'Tis the season... to warn of the apocalypse!

Don't worry. The end of the world isn't here... yet. However, mark you calendars for December 21, 2012. And if the world is still spinning after this date, then it will certainly cease to exist after May 13, 2029. You see, it's Armageddon Week on The History Channel, and what better way to spend the Christmas holiday then watching back-to-back-to-back TV shows about the end of the world? It makes me feel all warm inside. Incidentally, the Mayan Calendar says the world will drastically change on 12/21/2012. It might not "end", but it won't be a happy place. And, since the Mayan Calendar (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maya_calendar) has apparently been extremely accurate for the past 2,000 years, I can only summize one thing for 2012: yet another Bush is elected to be President, and the world ends. And if we are somehow able to survive another Bush in the White House, we have 5/13/2029 to look forward to - the date that a ginormous astroid will pass dangerously close to the Earth's atmosphere (and if it actually enters our atmosphere, then we're all toast). Learn more about the multitude of ways the world can end by visiting: http://www.history.com/shows.do?action=detail&showId=173253

Watching these shows has got me thinking. Based on some recent events, I'm thinking the apocalypse is upon us now! We might not have until 2012 or 2029... and here's evidence to prove it:

1) Rosie O'Donnell calls Donald Trump "annoying". Donald Trump calls Rosie O'Donnell "ugly" and "a bully". On the very same day, the pot reportedly calls the kettle "black". Just a coincidence? I think not. (http://thesuperficial.com/2006/12/rosie_odonnell_and_donald_trum.html).

2) Britney Spears calls Paris Hilton to say she (Britney) has decided not to be seen in public with Paris "for now". Apparently, Britney has an image to uphold. The same week, Britney is named "Worst Celebrity Dog Owner of 2006" (Paris, 2005's winner, is a close runner-up): http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061218/ap_en_ce/people_britney_spears

According to the Chinese calendar, 2006 is the Year of the Dog. Somewhere in all this mess is an equation for disaster... I'm just not smart enough to make the correlation (yet).

3) The Deptarment of Interior has decided that the polar bear should be listed as "threatened" under the Endangered Species Act, signifying the Bush Administration is acknowledging the presence of global warming without actually having to say so. Polar bears swim from floating ice chunk to floating ice chunk in search of both food and lovin'. Unfortunately, the bears are drowning when they leave one floating ice chunk to swim to the next one that they can't find... or worse, they are getting stranded on an ice chunk with no lovin', thereby succumbing to death by blue balls. (http://news.independent.co.uk/environment/article2108212.ece)

Speaking of global warming, according to The History Channel program, Countdown to Armageddon, the #1 threat to the Earth's existence is global warming. Al Gore's movie, An Inconvenient Truth, is an excellent film (http://www.climatecrisis.net/trailer/), and scarier than anything we've seen on The History Channel. Yes, Al Gore is a Democrat. No, this film is not political. Yes, you're an idiot if you can't watch this film with an open mind. No, I am not receiving royalties from it. You don't even need to like or trust Al Gore to watch it. But, if you can't rent or buy this DVD, then at least go download the following short cartoon movie clip instead. The message is the same but is easier for you Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity followers - who actually deny the existence of global warming - to grasp: http://www.motherjones.com/commentary/fiore/2006/08/hoax.html

And, before Stew's relatives start forwarding more sarcastic "Ways to Be a Good Democrat" emails, please note our household is registered Independent... as in independent thinking (defined as "the process of being able to think on your own, without someone else guiding you."). In fact, Stew actually voted for Bush in 2000, yet it sickens him to admit it. Stew feels the same as the author of this Al Gore movie review (read the first paragraph) - http://www.flickfilosopher.com/blog/2006/05/an_inconvenient_truth_review.html. So, instead of participating in the blue state vs. red state rhetoric that has cripled America, spend your time writing congress to demand they address the global warming issue before it's too late. And if global warming doesn't concern you, at least write congress about SOMETHING for which you are passionate - like your right to keep multiple, deadly assault rifles and oozies in your house because you think the Constitution says you can, or how we need to fight terrorism by banning gay marriage (or whatever your rationale is for turning your religious belief into a political issue for the rest of us).

And so there you have it. The end of the world is inevitable. And if you humans don't kill us all by global warming, then an astroid surely will. So, Happy New Year!

"Man's Best Friend" or "Man's Favorite Scapegoat"?

I don't know about you, but I'm getting real sick and tired of dogs getting blamed for the misguided acts of lesser (domesticated) animals. Earlier this year, we learned of a heroic dog that perished in a fire while attempting to save the family cat (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15317373/). One loyal bloggee (Kermit Erickson) hypothesized that the fire was started by said cat. Although no evidence exists to support this theory, I believe it's both sound and compelling. Today, while surfing the interlink thingamajig (aka Internet) looking for organic cat-flavored doggie treats, I stumbled upon this story - "...ferret, not dog, gnawed off baby toes" (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16312314/). Am I missing something here? Isn't the ferret related to the skunk? Do people actually keep skunks as pets? Also, is it a coincidence that ferrets are cat-like? I think not. If it acts like a cat, smells like a cat, and is evil like a cat... then it's a cat! This story takes place in the South, so anything is possible. Then again, I was born in Louisiana -- the same state in which this story is set -- and I think I have sense enough NOT to invite a ferret into my home, let alone allow it to roam free and gnaw off Claire's toes! Anyway, people with common sense will agree that there's no better family pet than the dog. Period... end of story. And I'm sorry if this offends all you cat lovers out there, but sometimes the truth can sting. I don't make this stuff up -- I only report it.

People let me tell you 'bout my best friend...

He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end.

People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun, whether we're barkin' at the squirrels or at the dog park for a run.

Cause he's my best friend... Yes, he's my best friend.

They say man's best friend is his dog, but they never tell you who the dog's best friend is. Well, in my case, my best friend in the whole world is Ole Erickson (pictured here with his lovable mommy, Susan... quite possibly the nicest person in the world). No offense to Stew. I mean, he's right up there on my Best Friend List. He's always the first guy I go to whenever I need to alarm somebody that the mailman is approaching the house. But Ole is my bud. My comrade. My chum. That's why I was so concerned when I heard that he was missing Friday evening after Susan was hit by a car while walking Ole (learn about the crazy story here http://wcco.com/pets/local_story_351224503.html). So, not only was my best friend missing, but one of our family's nearest and dearest friends was also hurt in the terrible accident. Many people helped look for Ole, and a bunch of Susan's friends even posted "LOST DOG" signs throughout the neighborhood and along the parkway where Susan and Ole walk. Stew used his superior math and logic skills to determine an area where he was sure he'd locate Ole, then he set out Sunday morning on his search (iced mocha in hand, of course). On Sunday night, a couple local news stations ran the story about Ole being lost, and Kermit started getting calls Monday morning from people who had seen Ole running through their neighborhood. And finally, a guy on his way to work saw Ole dart past his SUV and run into some trees/shrubs in the back lot of a local greenhouse/nursery. With the assistance of a tree delivery guy, the two men were able to coax Ole into the back of the SUV. Animal Control was contacted to confirm Ole's identity before Kermit was notified. By 9AM Monday, Ole was reunited with his Papa Kermit (http://wcco.com/pets/local_story_352171124.html). As it turns out, Ole was found about 8-10 miles from where Stew was searching (Stew's blaming his error in judgement on a faulty protractor). So, while we're all so relieved to have Ole home safe and sound, Susan continues her recovery at the hospital. I'd appreciate if you'd think a good thought or say a prayer for Susan and her family during this time. Susan's an awesome person who is so caring of others, and she should be home with her family. We love you, Susan... get better soon because we miss your hugs!

14 more shopping days 'til Christmas...

...and five (5) more days until Stew leaves his job. His last day peddling high quality furniture at a modest price is Friday. And, in early January after Linda goes back to work, Stew will offically change his title to Primary Care Giver. The other day I heard Stew say, "I seem to get mixed reactions from people when I tell them I'm planning to stay at home with Claire... most guys tell me that I'm their hero while the ladies typically want to know what Linda does for a living." Heck, we'd all like to know what Linda does for a living at United Health Care. We just know that she does it well because they keep telling her that she's doing well at whatever it is that she's doing... and that she should keep doing it. Stew just tells people that he thinks she's Director of Something, but he really has no idea of what the something is. For all we know, Linda could be living a double-life as a CIA operative. Then again, how many CIA operatives do you know that are deathly afraid of clowns? I dare guess the answer is "none", so let's drop the topic of Linda's vocation and move on to something more interesting... such as strapping fake antlers to my head for the family Christmas photo. That's right, today was Photo Day at the Stewart house. If this little project goes like most of our projects around here, then family and friends should receive our first-ever Christmas photo card sometime in mid-March. And, if you've never received our annual Stewart Family Barker newsletter, then feel free to email your contact info to me at bogart.stewart@gmail.com to be added to our mailing list... which means we should probably actually start an official mailing list. Sounds like a job for a Director of Something...

Reindeer games

Today, momma is participating in the Life Time Fitness Reindeer Run, a 5K race around Lake Harriet. This is her first run since a 5K back in March. She's joining her running buddies, Bev and Karen, and Stew thinks they're ALL nuts! It's like 400 degrees below zero right now, so Stew, Claire and I are lounging around the house in our toasty pajamas. Claire is currently impersonating a bear cub by making growling sounds, which means she's either hungry... or she's "full". Stew's reading the newspaper, and I was surfing the internet looking for a job before deciding to blog. I'm looking for a job application to be Britney Spears' new stylist. That girl is in desperate need of some underoos. More importantly, I'm in desperate need of her putting on some underwear. If I see another picture of her bare yoo-hoo, I'm fairly certain I'll go blind. My first act as her new stylist will be to take her shopping for some underpants. My second act will be to throw out all her trucker hats that have "Shut Up and Do Me!" embroidered on them. But, if she decides to stay with her current stylist, I'm hoping to become her publicist or image consultant. Not only does this girl need some pants, but she also needs a major league image overhaul. Leaving her multi-talented husband appeared to be a move in the right direction - toward the less offensive end of the White Trash Continuum... the end where we simply see Britney driving her SUV with her baby in her lap. Britney's explanation: "I'm country, ya'll... it's what we do." If I were a country dog, I would dismount my cousin right now in protest! This is not the image good country folk want portrayed by their cultural icons. So, please hire me as your image consultant, Britney! Even though you've mystified the world by selling a gazillion records despite having no singing talent whatsoever (just like your idol, Madonna), I fear you are just one crotch shot away from ruining your career forever... and I'm pretty sure that hitching your wagon to Paris Hilton's star will only lead you to a life of porn. Plus, am I the only one who remembers how Paris treated her supposed one-time best friend, Tinkerbell? http://www.nydailynews.com/news/gossip/story/337266p-287967c.html This is how Paris treats her friends, Britney, so be careful. Your best bet is to pack your millions into the back of your pickup and follow the banjo music back home to the mountains, y'all.