A solid attempt at solids

Claire had her first taste of solid food today when Momma fed her rice cereal. And let's just say things didn't go well. It appears Claire prefers a bottle of milk over a bowl of cereal. Momma even attempted a feeding technique where she tried to convince Claire that the spoonful of cereal was actually an airplane and that Claire's mouth is a hangar in which the airplane must land. It seemed to be working up until the point where Stew started swatting the spoon out of Momma's hand and beating his chest while shouting "I'm King Kong! Grrrrrrr!" Momma then changed the spoon from an airplane into a buzzing bee, but Stew still swiped it out of her hand while crying, "Stop that! You know I'm afraid of bees!" So, Stew even tried to help out by showing Claire how to eat out of a bowl using a spoon (except Stew's bowl contained a piece of blueberry cream pie). After five bowls of pie, Stew stopped trying to help and ran off toward the bathroom. Upon his return, Stew called in the big dog - that's right, yours truly. Stew started feeding me pie out of the bowl so Claire could learn my technique. Unfortunately, she doesn't have my licking prowess, so this method didn't work either. Eventually, Momma fed Claire a bottle, and we decided we'll try again tonite. We also have a chair in which we can strap Claire for feeding purposes, so we'll give that a try, as well.

In the meantime, here are some video clips I find humorous... enjoy your weekend and watch out for rogue vacuum cleaners!

Reno 911 clip... mount up!

http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=85685

More evidence showing why you should avoid all cable news networks (compliments of Jon Stewart):

http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=85992

Is anyone else disturbed by the fact that evangelist, Pat Robertson, owns a law school and that more than 150 graduates of his (Tier 4) law school have been hired by the current administration (including the former Senior Counsel to Attorney General Ali G)? This must be what Dubya means by a "faith-based initiative":

http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=85993

I'm mad as heck, and I'm not gonna to take it anymore!

Momma's out running errands, so Stew and I hopped on the Internet. We missed a PBS special last night that we wanted to see, so we watched it online and posted it below. Unfortunately for all of you, the PBS special enraged us. So, no humor today... except for the picture of the cat stuck in the refrigerator that Stew received from his brother, my Uncle Brad. We think it's hilarious! So, enjoy the information below and draw your own conclusions. I think you all know where I stand by now. NO NEED TO READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ARE ONE OF THE 28% OF AMERICANS WHO APPROVES OF DUBYA AND HIS ADMINISTRATION (except for the PBS report... it might enlighten you as to how the "war" was sold to us). Consider yourself warned...

Bill Moyers had a special on PBS last night that EVERYONE, regardless of political affiliation, needs to see. It's called "Buying the War", and it's eye-opening in terms of how the mainstream media is being used nowadays to sell political agendas. In the last year, I've read several articles, reports and speeches by Bill Moyers criticizing the mainstream media for a lack of true journalism which, ultimately, has lead largely to a failure of the American public to know the true facts about important issues facing us today. In my humble opinion, independent journalists are the only (possibly) legitimate news sources we have left. Fox News is the biggest joke, seemingly taking talking points directly from the White House and calling it "news"... CNN and the like are nearly as unreliable and biased. If cable news is your main news source, then you are not getting the real facts... and network news is not much better. To the cable and network news channels, ratings equal revenue. If it bleeds, it leads! PBS and independent news sources are the most reliable sources available to us. If you didn't happen to catch Bill Moyers' special on PBS last night, then PLEASE do yourself a favor and watch it in its entirety. It's well worth the time, and if it doesn't make you angry, then I suggest you continue watching your cable news shows, absorbing their biased rhetoric like a sponge, and keeping your head buried in the sand of deception:

Chapter 1 of 5: http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/video_popups/pop_vid_btw1-1.html

This is the guy Stew wanted for President in 2000 (Senator John McCain). Instead, Stew decided to vote for Bush... and he wants me to tell you all that he's REALLY sorry, and he didn't make the same mistake in 2004. Anyway, remember McCain's Straight-talk Express from the 2000 election campaign? Well, the Express is apparently back, except it seems to have a problem pulling way over to the right nowadays (and driving in circles). In this clip, Jon Stewart discusses the Iraq civil war, the ridiculous right-wing talking points (their fear campaign), plus the definition of "troop support" with Senator McCain:
http://www.crooksandliars.com/Media/Play/16620/1/TDS-McCain-042407.wmv/

In response to Rudy Giuliani's comments at a Lincoln Day Dinner in New Hampshire last night (where he basically states electing a Democrat for President in '08 guarantees more terrorist attacks), Keith Olbermann released a rant on his MSNBC talk show. Some of it is just that - a rant. Yet, despite his left-leaning political stance, I think he still makes some good points [toward the middle and end of the clip] about the hypocrisy of Giuliani's comments (Dick Cheney should listen to this, as well). Like me, you might find the rant a little over-the-top. But, if you are just as sick as I am about the terror-mongering talking-points of an administration that has put us in more danger than we ever were before, then you'll agree that Olbermann makes some valid points. And, if you're an Independent like me (or an EX-CONservative like Stew), then you'll simply continue longing for a viable 3rd Party candidate and an end to the partisan rhetoric that continues to cripple America. And, no, I'm not talking about Jesse Ventura or Joe Lieberman. How about Bill Moyers?
http://www.crooksandliars.com/Media/Play/16640/1/Countdown-SC-Giuliani.wmv/

A little R & R

It's a great week because Momma is home all week before she starts her new job! So, we've been doing more family activities lately, which means there likely won't be as many blog entries this week (stop your whining, Myrold... even a guard dog needs a little R & R from time to time). The good news is that Stew assures me his sources tell him the cleaning equipment terror network's Operation Spring Cleaning assault will not occur this week. Even so, I remain on guard, plus I know where the Kenmore Progressive vacuum is currently hiding out. If I find it has relocated, then I'll go on full alert and into combat mode.

In the meantime, allow me to tell you about some new friends I made last week. A couple of gals came for a visit over the weekend -- Aunt's Kathi and Julie. I was warned ahead of time to be on my best behavior as neither lady is a huge fan of dogs. Therefore, I did my best not to be a douche. I don't know what a douche is, but Momma is rumored to use this word all the time to describe Stew... and the Urban Dictionary shows a picture of this guy (my paw is pointing to the right) then gives the word the following meanings: 1) An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of credibility, behaving ridiculously in front of others with no sense of how moronic he appears. 2) Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and a__hole. 3) Anyone who competed against Stew in the contract furniture sales industry. I'm told I was a "good dog", so I assume I won over the ladies with my charm.

Anyway, while Kathi and Julie were here, we all went to Lake Minnetonka to go swimming. Momma and her buddies go way back, so they still often dress alike. Here's a picture of the three girls at the beach this weekend showing off their fancy new red swimsuits. Momma and Kathi each snatched a lifeguard rescue can before Stew snapped this shot of the girls standing in front of the lifeguard's jeep. They were going for some sort of "Baywatch look", but I think they missed the mark. Unfortunately, Stew also had a new swimsuit to show off (not to mention some new brown shoes and socks)... but none of us who know him would agree to pose with him. Luckily, Stew found a couple drunk college girls who agreed to pose for $20 each and a promise from Stew that he would stop staring at them and blowing them kisses. Come to think of it, Stew still owes me $40...

Well, I'm being told that we're going for a w-a-l-k, so that's my cue to start running around the house whining constantly for the next 15 minutes until we actually leave the house. Meanwhile, here's a clip from the Late Night with David Letterman show. I believe Dave provided this Top 10 clip for the April 21st White House Correspondents' Association dinner. Thanks to Uncle Franny for sending me the clip...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vtfmQ5Audg

I can't believe I ate the whoooooole thing

Here's a picture of Claire after her morning bottle. She'll be out for about 30 minutes or so, then she'll be ready to play. As you can see, she has her papa's shiny red nose. Stew's worried that she's going to have his crooked teeth, as well... but we'll see. In the meantime, I thought I'd post her picture and update you on yesterday's water hazard in the basement. Stew shocked me by actually resolving the issue within 12 hours... but it was close.

Stew is now able to pump his (HVAC) unit all day and night with the new Frotec condensation removal pump he purchased at Home Depot. Unfortunately, about 12 gallons of water spilled onto the basement floor before the pump was installed and properly working. Apparently, the bypass lines were clogged due to hard water build-up, plus the fetzer valve was stuck. Of course, these were the last things Stew checked last night after whining all day about the new pump not working properly. The good thing is that the floors are concrete where this problem occurred. No carpeting was damaged in the water attack.

However, I encountered yet another nemesis yesterday... the dreaded Shop Vac. I haven't seen this badboy since Stew was throwing up drywall in the basement when I was just a puppy. The Shop Vac is the Sherman Tank of the cleaning equipment army. While it has no fancy gadgets or Inteli-Clean Systems it can use for tracking me, the Shop Vac is still a worthy advisary. Besides its loud roar, what scares me the most about this evil doggie slayer is the drowning tub concealed within its bowels! As you can see from the diagram on the left that I recently obtained through an unidentifiable source, the Shop Vac uses its Doggie Identification Removal Trap (DIRT) to draw in its prey. Once the DIRT has ahold of you, you're sent into "the death bucket". Depending on how the machine is being utilized against you, you will either find yourself in a chamber full of drywall dust or, worse yet, a pool of dirty water. Either way, certain death is imminent. Luckily, I survived the Shop Vac's onslaught yesterday. In fact, I simply chewed on a doggie bone upstairs while the Shop Vac was roaring away in the basement. Since the Shop Vac is less mobile, I have never seen it make its way upstairs. Then again, maybe it's lulling me into a carefree state before it unleashes its upstairs assault. That said, I'd better make another round through the house to check on the Shop Vac's whereabouts.

In the meantime, here are some funny videos to enjoy...

Sex before marriage? You decide...
http://www.jibjab.com/jokebox/jokebox/jibjab/id/460409/jokeid/18891

Ketchup (rated "E" for Everyone EXCEPT Grandmas)...
http://www.jibjab.com/jokebox/jokebox/jibjab/id/495495/jokeid/61117

Miracles do happen (this is an article instead of a video)...
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17972624/?GT1=9246

The Perfect Storm

This morning, we had what Stew called "the perfect storm." I'm not sure what this phrase means. All I know is that I had muddy paws and Stew scared the heck out of me, so I ran. Allow me to share a little more detail...

The storm started brewing yesterday... you'll recall from yesterday's post that we have a mysterious water problem in the basement, so Stew was down there yesterday crying like a little girl because he couldn't figure out how to [quote] "make it stop... please, just make it stop!" I'm not sure who he was talking to yesterday, but whoever it was -- he/she didn't listen. After much investigation and a slew of bad words, Stew deduced that he had a faulty condensation removal pump on his HVAC unit (furnace?). So, off to Home Depot he went with Claire to get a brand new, Frotec #554401 VCMA-15ULS 115V pump to replace the worn out one. At first, Stew thought it was the fetzer valve connection to the bypass line, but it turned out to be a faulty pump instead. The nice thing is that the pump comes with 20 ft of plastic tubing. And plastic tubing is the new duct tape. Just ask McGyver.

So, about that perfect storm... This morning, we were all going about our business. I made my rounds in the backyard and picked up some muddy paws because of some dew cover on a patch of exposed topsoil. So, after my patrol, I was sitting on the rug inside the backdoor waiting for someone to clean my paws (it's in my Protector of the House contract that I don't clean paws... much like the maid doesn't do windows). Since I don't read, I failed to notice the Wipe Your Paws door mat on the back step. Plus, I refuse to wear ridiculous doggie boots. So, while I'm sitting, Momma's heading downstairs to iron a shirt, and Stew is in the nursery changing Claire's dirty diaper (I believe poopy is the term I heard used to describe the diaper). All is normal until I hear Momma shout up to Stew, "I think you need to come down and empty your bucket!" My thoughts exactly - What the heck does that mean? Is Momma getting fresh with Papa Stew? Well, not exactly. Since he never got around to installing the Frotec pump yesterday, Stew put a 5-gallon orange Home Depot bucket under the furnace leak to catch drips throughout the night. So, as Stew was finishing up by placing a new diaper on Claire, she decided that she was still not finished expelling impurities via her backside... and Stew was not quick enough to move his hands out of the way. And, to add insult to injury, Claire decided it was an opportune time to go ahead and pee.

So, you get the idea. Momma is shouting up to Stew, and now Stew is yelling "just a minute!" back at her. Meanwhile, I'm just minding my own business waiting for my paws to be cleaned. Eventually, Momma returns upstairs and heads back to the nursery. I'm assuming she took over watching Claire after the diaper was changed because - out of nowhere - Stew comes bolting through the doorway into the kitchen where I'm sitting by the back door. He startled me so badly that I took off running. I was certain the Kenmore Progressive Vacuum with Inteli-Clean System was ambushing me while I was a sitting duck (or dog). Looking back now, it's quite funny. Especially the look on Stew's face as he's chasing me from room to room screaming "sit! stay! sit!" And those fluorescent green shorts he likes to wear... yikes!

Overcome by laughter, I finally stopped running. Stew cleaned my paws then patted me on the head before heading downstairs... where he soon discovered that a 5-gallon bucket is not quite large enough to hold a 9-gallon leak. So, I'm going to wrap this up and head downstairs to offer Stew some moral support. Meanwhile, you all enjoy some video clips...

"Progress" is finally defined by The Daily Show:
http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=85244

Classic "Hot Pocket" bit from Jim Gaffigan:
http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=78851

A compilation of scenes from one of the greatest movies of all-time, Fletch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SriU5QGT9bU

Attack of the Jedi squirrels!

The squirrels are at it again. Taunting me. Throwing insults (and twigs) at me from high atop the big trees in the backyard. I even caught a snapshot of some Jedi squirrels practicing underneath the neighbor's tree. Luckily, their Jedi mind-tricks don't work on me... at least, I don't think so. Unfortunately, Stew was never a Star Wars nerd, so I have nobody I can go to for knowledge on the ways of the Jedi. Also, in addition to the Jedi squirrel knights, I found evidence of some commando squirrels. I asked Momma to prop up this captured soldier so I could document his image for his permanent file. He'll be up on charges of war crimes as soon as I can get a date for his tribunal. In the meantime, I've got him in lock-down inside the Weber grill. So, just when I'm getting ready to wage an attack on the Kenmore vacuum terror network, the squirrels are back. I haven't really had to deal with them much since last summer... when Stew got into it with them and nearly burned down our house (http://stay-at-home-dog.blogspot.com/2007_01_01_archive.html).

Anyway, thanks to Uncle StewCat, I've discovered a new secret weapon to use against the squirrels. I received this intelligence report from StewCat via encrypted email this morning.
http://www.killsometime.com/video/video.asp?ID=870
I'm okay sharing it with y'all because I'm fairly confident squirrels don't have access to the Internet unless they've somehow hacked into the cable line running from the alley into our house. Come to think of it, I best go check just to be sure. In the meantime, enjoy the clip.

And if the clip isn't funny enough for you, imagine Stew in our basement curled up in a fetal position and crying because there is mysterious water all over the basement floor. So, not only does he still have to fix the kitchen hot water faucet-handle-thing, but he also has to figure out where this water is coming from and how to stop it. Much to my dismay, I hear rumors a Bissell Wet-Dry Vac is lurking somewhere inside our house waiting for an occasion like this to join the insurgency...

Secret weapon discovered!

While I am completely confident my natural instincts - along with the combat techniques I've recently learned - will guarantee victory over the evil-doers currently attempting to permeate the confines of my house, I'm not yet ready to don a flight jacket and announce "mission accomplished" just yet. That would be extremely irresponsible on my part. Besides, major military operations against the Kenmore vacuum and the hand-held cleaning equipment combatants has yet to truly begin. But when that happens, the insurgency won't know what hit 'em. Allow me to explain...

Recently, I learned of the myotonic goat, also known as the stiff leg or the Tennessee fainting goat (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fainting_goat). When startled or excited, the goat's legs stiffen causing the goat to momentarily collapse (for about 10 seconds).

(4 minute video) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rB5ToejoAg

(shorter video) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TB_zHBO9bOY

Historically, these goats were used by sheep herders wanting to protect their expensive sheep from wolves, coyotes and other awesome predators from the dog family. The herders would mix stiff leg goats in with the flock of sheep. When a predator attacked, the sheep would run to the barn while the goats would be on the ground waiting to be devoured. My attack plan against the Blue Emir (Kenmore vacuum) will be to have these goats strategically located throughout the house. Once the Kenmore starts devouring the goats, I'll pounce on the vacuum and restrain it with my powerful jaws. Then, once in captivity, I can begin the interrogation process to learn the origins of this mighty soldier and if there are more Kenmores planning to attack my home or yours. I've said it before, and I'll keep saying it because people seem to buy this ridiculous line of crap: if I don't fight them here in my home, then this insurgency will follow me to yours!

I learned about the myotonic goat from my cousin, Monty. Monty is named after British Field Marshal Bernard "Monty" Montgomery, who lead the Allied ground forces in the Normandy invasion during WWII. Monty brings a lot of military expertise to the table, and I'm grateful for his knowledge. Monty currently resides in St. Louis Park (MN) with my Aunt Heather and Uncle Ivy. That's right, I have an uncle named "Ivy." He's a tremendously popular female impersonator, not to mention quite successful. He also does a mean Bill Cosby imitation after 10 or so beers. Anyway, back to the goats... I'm currently scouring Amazon.com and eBay trying to find a herd of these badboys. So far, no such luck. But fear not, for I have a back-up plan! Thankfully, Claire has about 400-500 stuffed animals in her possession that I'm thinking can accomplish the same thing as the myotonic goats. I'll just have to lob the stuffed critters in front of the Kenmore, but I'll have to be precise. The margin of error on this plan is nil (that's "zero" or "none" for you less versed in military speak).

Speaking of stuffed animals, here are a few more pictures of Claire posing with more of her buddies on her 6-month birthday...

Lordy, Lordy, look who's 6-months!

Today is Claire's
6-month birthday so, as you can see in the attached photo, she's really pumped about it. Basically, she's just sitting in her Baby Papasan sucking on a nuk while waiting for her morning bottle. I don't think she even grasps the magnitude of the situation. If she were a dog, she'd be 3-1/2 years old today, which is HUGE! Anyway, I overheard Stew telling Momma that we're all going outside today (it's supposed to be 70 degrees). Claire's going to play in her Jumperoo on the patio while Stew picks up four months worth of my doggie droppings. It's going to be a blast!

In military news... I've always been a firm believer in life-long learning - bettering yourself mentally, physically and emotionally. Along those lines, in my ongoing effort to enhance my combat abilities, I conducted training maneuvers over the weekend in an undisclosed canine agility proficiency plaza (commonly referred to in layperson terms as a dog park). I felt that if I'm going to engage in battle with the Kenmore vacuum and its associated cleaning equipment comrades, then I'm going to want some additional instruction in tactical techniques from some specialists. Therefore, I asked my buddies Lily-the-Beagle and Remmy-the-Lab to provide me with coaching in enemy excavation (Lily) and seizure/retrieval (Remmy). Since Lily and Remmy are mercenaries, I'm not allowed to post their actual photographs. Not only will their expertise aid me in my crusade against the Kenmore terror network, but these new skills will also come in handy during my daily skirmishes with the loathsome squirrels, which have recently started infiltrating the backyard in greater numbers. And just this morning, I found two ducks back there! That's right - ducks. A mallard and a wood duck... and they barely made it over the fence before I got to them. The lucky ducks.

Speaking of the backyard, I've got to get going and make a safety sweep before Stew and Claire head out there. Stew's no Senator John McCain, so I don't need to have a whole platoon of mutts assist me, but I still want to make sure the perimeter is safe for Claire. You never know when a rogue squirrel might decide to attack the patio where Claire will be engaged in the recreational activity I call bouncing (in her Jumperoo).

Ambushed!

Last night, I was ambushed in the basement and held captive by the Swifter hand-held cleaning equipment insurgency! The entire ordeal was caught on the basement nanny-cam. Not only was I blindfolded and forced to breathe dust particles from a feather duster, but I was also interrogated by The Shark -- a hand-held mini-vacuum capable of jumping on my back and sucking the life out of me at any moment. The Shark is known to hang out on the metal shelving in the basement while it's plugged into an electrical outlet recharging its battery. The Shark is particularly menacing due to the fact it is battery operated; therefore, it's difficult for me to outrun as it's not bound to a 30 foot distance like the Kenmore upright vacuum. Additionally, The Shark is part of the Royal Family of cleaning equipment (better known for its Dirt Devil family members). Stew seems brainwashed by the Royal Family in that he also has a portable Dirt Devil vacuum in the garage for cleaning vehicles. Like their Saudi counterparts, the Royal Family of cleaning products purports to be the friend of honest, hard-working Americans while secretly supporting those who want to destroy the greatest Americans - also known as Man's Best Friend - the family dog. These cat-loving anti-Americans hate us because of our freedom to roam the house and jump on furniture when nobody is home, and there is no curbing their hatred for us or our fur. But I will try my best. If I don't stop them in my own home, then I can assure you that these vacuums, dusters, brooms and mops will follow me to YOURS! If you don't support my plan, then you don't support freedom, liberty and the pursuit of happiness (i.e., chewing on the rug in the front room of my house).

Speaking of freedom, after about five hours of interrogations, I was extracted from the Swifter camp by Momma. She saved me! As it turns out, Stew was snoring up a storm at 2:00AM. Momma's typical method of stopping Stew's snoring - sharp elbow and knee jabs to his spinal cord - proved unsuccessful. Therefore, she decided to take her pillow and go sleep on the couch. That's when she found me. With one huge sweep of her hand, so grabbed the dusters, broom and The Shark and threw them into the abyss (the area in the basement next to the furnace). For the rest of the night, I slept at the foot of the couch with one eye on my Momma and the other scanning the perimeter for another sneak attack.

It's obvious the insurgency's Operation Spring Cleaning has started. Therefore, today I'm calling up more specialists from the Fargo office of the Department of Guardianship (DOG). First, Retired Captain Theodore Hertzel (U.S. Army Special Forces) brings an enormous amount of field expertise in hand-to-paw combat, particularly against smaller devices like dusters. Captain Theo, as he's known to the pups once under his command, is a ferocious fighter whose bark is certainly not worse than his exceptionally strong bite. Also making the trip from Fargo is a special operative (some might call him a mercenary), Friar Tucker. He is known to be one bad-ass motherTUCKER to those who have fought alongside him. Although still a youngster, Tucker has seen his fair share of conflict - primarily attacks from squirrels in his Fargo backyard combat zone. Together, Captain Theo and Friar Tucker create a wrecking force unseen in these parts. I'm including a picture of a recent training exercise where Theo and Tucker are teaching me an interrogation technique called Hump-a-rump. After just 30 seconds of this grilling tactic, I was ready to give up my mother just to get them to stop. So, a little Swifter duster doesn't stand a chance against this dynamic duo!

One reason we need to capture and interrogate the insurgent hand-held cleaning equipment is so we can locate the whereabouts of their leader - the Kenmore Progressive Upright Vacuum with Inteli-Clean System. Our approach is that it will be much easier to seize and detain the smaller equipment than it would be to track and bushwhack the mighty Kenmore itself. However, once we know where the Kenmore hides and plans its attacks, we'll be able to design a strategy to overwhelm and, eventually, destroy it. Metaphorically speaking, cutting off the head of the dragon will kill the entire force (unless, of course, the Kenmore has regeneration abilities that we don't know about). To aid us in our efforts of locating the whereabouts of the Kenmore Progressive, we've strategically placed WANTED posters throughout the house. Eventually, a small household appliance or a frightened chew toy will provide us with the information we seek. Or, you can help out. If you happen to visit our house in the near future and see The Blue Emir lurking in the basement or other part of the house, I'd appreciate if you'd slide me a note. Besides, it's your patriotic duty. I'm doing this for you, too!

Assume the position...

Well, it's official... Momma has accepted a new job! She starts her new position at Medtox Scientific (http://www.medtox.com) on April 30th. Stew, Claire and I could NOT be happier for her (or us). Although we still have no clue what Linda does for a living, or what her title will be, we just know that Medtox is supposed to be "family friendly", which means 70 to 90 hour work weeks are not the norm. So, there's a good chance we'll actually see Momma at home before it gets dark outside. In fact, we have a family plan to uphold Sacro Desco, which is Italian for “sacred table” - a commitment to share at least one meal all together as a family every day. Dinnertime is not just about feeding the body; it's also about nourishing the soul
(source: http://www.allprodad.com). Since Linda has forbid me from writing my true feelings about her current employer, I'll let the following clip do my talking as it perfectly sums up my feelings on the last 4+ years of Linda's employment. Just imagine the Kevin Bacon character (receiving the spanking) is an 8-month pregnant Linda (thanks to Scott H. for the idea).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKpKSZGSkuo

In other news, in honor of Dwight Schrute, I'm posting a link to every quote ever made on The Office (thanks to Florida's own Aunt Dee for the link):
http://www.officequotes.us/index.php

Lastly, I'll be conducting some reconnaissance tonite after The Office. I fear the Kenmore and Swifter terrorist networks' Operation Spring Cleaning is dangerously close at hand. I'll keep you posted on my findings. In the meantime, consider the threat level "HIGH" (dogs don't use color codes for threat levels because:
1) we don't see color, and 2) using colors is pretty stupid when you can simply say "HIGH" or "LOW" or "MODERATE"... like Smokey the Bear does when warning of forest fire danger levels... go visit a forest if you don't understand the Smokey Bear comment... or just look at the picture to the left).

Feels like a Lewis Black day...

The weather sucks, so I'm stuck inside all day. Plus, Stew just broke the hot water faucet on the kitchen sink, so now he's a raving lunatic. He's ranting on and on because he can't figure out how to fix it, and he just knows Momma will insist upon hiring a plumber when Stew is perfectly capable of... oh, heck, what am I saying? We all know Stew will either procrastinate fixing the faucet, OR he'll completely destroy it to the point that a plumber's expertise is required. The only good news today is that Stew will be attending a Timberwolves' basketball game tonite with Uncle Jimmy (even though the 'Wolves also suck, at least he'll get to see the Dallas Mavericks play -- and the Mavs are quite good again this year).

So, since I'm feeling grouchy, I thought I'd post a couple clips of one of my favorite comics, Lewis Black. For those unfamiliar with Mr. Black's work, you need to know he is not afraid of using profanity. Therefore, the following clips are rated "E" for "Everyone, except grandmas". I posted this rating in the past, but Linda still forwarded a profanity-laced video clip to a co-worker. In her defense, Linda stated "I didn't read the entire rating..."

Lewis Black on Dubya, John Kerry, the 2004 Presidential election, and other stuff...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGgR0BvvwM4

Lewis Black on smallpox and greedy people...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN6TgyTTiwE

We're out of coffee...

Easter goodies

Here's more proof that Claire is the cutest little girl in the world. Claire made her first visit to Grandpa Bob and Grandma Helen's farm in South Dakota, and I have to say Bob & Helen are lookin' pretty good, too! Claire tells me that she saw pigs while she was on the farm, and she says they smell different than the fluffy ones she has in her nursery. She also got a basket of Easter goodies from Grandma Helen (which Stew promptly devoured shortly upon Claire and Momma's return home... he said that "Claire will never know..."). Stew also received fudge, cookies and other sweets from Helen. I wish him well with his Chubby Challenge with Linda. Anyway, I'm including a picture of Claire with her Easter basket, plus the little stuffed bunnies she received (Great Aunt Florence got Claire the pink Peeps bunny, and Aunt Dee from Florida sent the soft, white one... which also looks quite tasty... I'll be watching to see if it ever makes it's way to the floor).

Stew's rambling on and on about needing the computer to work on The Stewart Family Barker Christmas newsletter... which has morphed into the Spring 2007 Edition. Linda gave him a deadline for completion, which has already passed, so he needs to finish it up. So, I leave you with a video of a toy that I want...

http://www.jibjab.com/jokebox/jokebox/jibjab/id/483794/jokeid/112766

Happy Easter (but watch your back)!

Exactly one year ago today, a crime was perpetrated upon Momma's tulip garden - a crime committed by the Easter Bunny but attributed to me. Following is a news report with details of the crime. Some of you have never seen this. For others, this will be a bitter reminder that nobody is safe from corruption... not even on Easter. Here's the story...


[from The Stewart Family Barker newsletter - Spring 2006 Edition]
Local resident charged in Easter Sunday tulip massacre
Authorities discover evidence still dangling from suspect’s mouth

ROBBINSDALE, MN – What started out as a typical Easter Sunday at the Stewart house turned dreadful after Stew ventured to the backyard and discovered Linda’s tulip garden had been destroyed. Rather, devoured is a more accurate description of the carnage.

“Bogart and I were playing tag when I noticed a tulip petal lying in the middle of the backyard,” said Stew. “I went to Linda’s tulip garden to see how it looked when I discovered that 12 tulips were missing all their petals.”

Authorities immediately took Bogey into custody for questioning and discovered that he actually had a tulip hanging from his mouth when he was apprehended. He tried to allude capture by running laps around the large tree in the backyard, but he was eventually caught after being enticed by a police officer with a pig’s ear.

“We know it was Bogey,” barked a confident Detective McGruff, local crime dog. “We have evidence that shows him casing the scene prior to the attacks. This was definitely premeditated.” The evidence referred to is a photo that Bogey posed for on Saturday, April 15th, the day before Easter Sunday. In the photo, you can clearly see Bogey sitting next to several tulip plants in full bloom. All the tulips were found destroyed less than 10 hours after the photo was taken, and crime scene photos are not suitable for print.

Despite overwhelming evidence against him, Bogey is maintaining his innocence, accusing the authorities of corruption, and even offering up a second suspect.

“I was framed!” demands Bogey. “I was force-fed peanut butter, and a dead tulip was shoved in my mouth. Everybody knows peanut butter is like crack to a dog. I was in a very vulnerable position.”

To prove there is no corruption on their part, police brought in a sketch artist to draw the suspect Bogey allegedly saw running from the scene moments before Stew discovered the atrocity (see sketch at left). However, authorities have found no evidence to support the defendant's contention that a bunny delivering Easter eggs was the actual perpetrator. Local authorities are calling the case “closed”.

Hippity Hoppity, carnage is on its way...

I was planning to wish everyone a Happy Easter today, but that will have to wait until Sunday. There's been more chatter on the Kenmore vacuum terror network, and I'm getting real nervous about this Operation Spring Cleaning. Recruitment efforts on the part of the household cleaning equipment (aka "insurgency") has escalated, and reports are that the Kenmore and Swifter tribes are now in cahoots with my other nemesis - the rodent. And I'm not just talking squirrels, my friends. No, I'm talking squirrels, bunnies, mice, gerbils... you name it. If it's disease-infested and hairy, then it's involved [insert your own distasteful genitalia joke here... such as the Bobby Krier classic: What's worse than a dead cat on your piano? A diseased beaver on your organ!].

Anyway, based on the latest chatter, I've intensified my patrols of the house. Additionally, instead of my usual routine of making a trip through the house every few hours, I've made random rounds to throw off the insurgency. And it's paid off! As you can see in the photo, Stew is holding a rodent I captured in the laundry room downstairs. By the time you read this posting, this piece of garbage will be in a cheese-induced coma due to the latest interrogation techniques being taught at the FBI Academy in Quantico, Virginia (Virginia is for lovers... Maryland is for crabs... and, some would say, Minnesota is for loons). Anyway, the technique, known as "cheese turding", is used to obtain information, coerce confessions, and for punishment and intimidation. Cheese turding consists of immobilizing the rodent and shoving cheese down his throat to simulate choking, which produces a severe gag reflex, making the subject believe his death is imminent while ideally not causing permanent physical damage. The subject typically slides into a cheese-induced coma and, eventually, severe cramping occurs before an eventual HUGE cheese dump a few days later. The subject will be so relieved (literally) that he'll say or do anything to keep you from performing a second round of the torture (or whatever we're calling it these days).

As stated in a previous post, I've called up my freedom-fighting cousins, The Erickson Brothers (Ole and Berkley), to help plan my own operation against the insurgency that we're calling "Shock and Paw." Following the brilliancy of the Bush Administration's Iraq Occupation Plan, I've decided to outsource part of our operation. Some call it "war profiteering", but I call it "necessary". And I'm the decider when it comes to Shock and Paw. As a retired general from the Special Forces Unit of the DOG (Department of Guardianship), Berkley Erickson still has connections to freelance commandos who can assist us. So next week, we're bringing in a double agent with whom Berkley has familiarity (see artist's rendering at left). For security reasons, I'm unable to expose the true identity of our spy. But I can assure you, he's ruthless and very efficient at his job. This guy's infiltrated more homes than any girlscout selling cookies ever has. And we all know how much everyone loves girlscout cookies, so you can be darned sure that this guy is a pro. Furthermore, by early next week, we should have confirmation of the availability of more Specialists from our regional DOG office in Fargo. These Specialists have advanced training on combating the hand-held cleaning tools, such as the members of the Swifter tribe mentioned in previous posts.

I'm expecting a quiet weekend but, then again, my enemy might be planning on such. Therefore, I remain on high alert. In the meantime, I leave you with the best Easter greeting I've ever received (it arrived via email from Uncle StewCat and cousin Dakota earlier this week).

HAPPY EASTER, EVERYONE!

2007 Walk for Animals - Go, Lily & Julie!

My friends, Julie & Lily, are signed up for the 2007 Walk for Animals event on May 5th. Apparently, Momma and I will also be walking (as long as we can find a babysitter for Claire). Stew will be spending the day with his buddy, Jimmy, as they prepare for the Twins vs. Red Sox baseball (night) game. As I'm sure you all know, it's an all-day ordeal preparing for a ball game... let's just hope Stew doesn't appear on the jumbotron with his pants off OR get thrown in jail... or both.

Anyway, without Julie's permission, I'm posting her plea for dollars (see her letter below). Unfortunately, I wasn't the first to contribute to her campaign, but I believe I was #2 (damn you, Penz/Bellus Clan! -- imagine me shaking my paw at you). I'm confident this gets me nothing. Additionally -- and also without Julie's permission -- I'm posting a picture of her with Al Franken. No reason. I just like it. Julie's friend, Jen, is standing to Al's left; however, I don't know Jen nor do I have her permission to post her picture on the Internet. I'm fairly confident Julie won't sue me, but I'm not sure this Jen person can be trusted (I think she's an attorney). Therefore, better safe than sorry. Lastly, so as not to alienate the conservative readers of this blog, I'm also including a picture of your posterboy, Rush Limbaugh. If Fox Noise can claim to be fair and balanced, then so can I! I downloaded Rush's image from the Internet, and I believe it's his mugshot from when he was busted on drug charges. I considered posting Bill O'Reilly's mug instead, but I draw the line at phone sex enthusiasts.

Now, on to the good stuff... please help Julie help the animals that can't help themselves.

DONATE FIVE BUCKS - WIN A KITTEN!

I recently accepted the challenge to participate and raise funds for the newly-merged humane society's 2007 Walk for Animals. This annual event (and largest animal walk in the country) helps support the programs at five Twin Cities area shelters. I am asking for your help to support my fundraising efforts and a cause that is close to my heart. Your tax-deductible gift will make a difference in helping to ensure the health and welfare of more than 35,000 animals annually. The pets in our lives give us a lot. Help me help to give back. You can make your donation online by simply clicking the link at the bottom of this message. Thank you!

Go here to visit my personal page:
http://events.animalhumanesociety.org/site/TR?px=1036521&pg=personal&fr_id=1030&s_tafId=1061

Go here to view my team page for Lily's Posse:
http://events.animalhumanesociety.org/site/TR?team_id=1790&pg=team&fr_id=1030&s_tafId=1061

In other news, some words of wisdom sent by Aunt Dee (from Florida):

Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided he would NOT fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings, and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped all over the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But it turns out that the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then, a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him... The moral of this story:

1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.

2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap you're in is not necessarily your friend.

3. If you're warm and happy in a pile of crap -- keep your mouth shut!

Separated at birth

If you think I'm going to post a picture of Claire next to an angel based on the title of this post, then you are wrong. Of course, Claire is the most beautiful little baby girl in the world, so it's not hard to believe that she is part angel. However, I've come across evidence of some possible genetic connections that need to be exposed. First off, there is Phil Specter (insane music producer currently on trial for a 2003 murder) and The Great Gazoo (a tiny, green, floating alien discovered by Fred Flinstone and Barney Rubble). I don't know much about this Phil Specter guy other than he produced a bunch of famous 1960's era songs, but it would appear that he's in dire need of a stylist. Then again, I think he once said that he "has bipolar disorder and is relatively insane." Relatively speaking, he has the insane look down pat, so he'll probably get off the murder charge.

Now, the next two separated at birth photos are more difficult to figure out since neither person has green skin. To the contrary, both have uber-pale skin, crooked noses and bad teeth. One is a renowned musical genius, while the other is a (former) award-winning seller of high-quality furniture at a modest price. So, can you tell which one is Billy Bragg and which is Stew? I'm thinking only a mother could tell the two apart... except I just now noticed that one of the photos is stamped with Fully English: Billy Bragg. Then again, this could simply be a trick on my part designed to fool you (since I now know how gullible you all are thanks to my April Fool's Day hoax). And if there's anyone out there who doesn't yet appreciate the musical talents of Billy Bragg, then checkout one of my favorite albums -- Mermaid Avenue: Billy Bragg & Wilco (Volume 1)... buy it here:
http://www.amazon.com/Mermaid-Avenue-Billy-Bragg-Wilco/dp/B000007NC0.

In an unrelated item, here's a picture of Claire trying to get out of her baby papasan. More pictures to come next week...