Giving the dog a bone

I recently discovered the "change font color" option on my toolbar. I don't have much to say today, so enjoy the following trivia game and some video clips. Claire, Stew and I are headed outside to do some landscaping. I'm in charge of manure distribution. You might want to watch your step if you ever come over for a visit. I'm just sayin'...

Oh, and here's a handsome picture of me balancing a Milkbone dog biscuit on my snout. Stew wants me to toss it in the air, snap it into my mouth and chew it up. But, it's easier just to lean forward and have the biscuit drop to the floor where I can simply pick it up in my mouth and carry it to another room to snack on. Stew has a way of making easy tasks much more difficult than they need to be.

Hair Band Trivia Game:
http://zone.msn.com/en/celebtrivia/hairbands_default.htm?GT1=9951

Stew's score on his first (and only) attempt = 21,760
...for some reason, he's very proud of this score and won't stop talking about it.

More from the Reno Sheriff's Department:

Who's your daddy?
http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=16941

Hide the dope...
http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=12342

DUI's aren't funny... except for this one...
http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=12331

The REAL no spin zone... The Daily Show - the only place to get the true news stories without all the Right- or Left-wing spin:

Dubya sends his goons to perform unconstitutional acts...
http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=87225

Scandal? What scandal? It's just Left-wing rhetoric and political theatre!
http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=87519

The Democrats' barks are worse than their bites...
http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=87456

NAFTA sucks

In light of the recent crow attacks in my backyard, I decided to Google "how to kill a crow." I was pleasantly surprised to find the following entry at the very top of the search results page:

Crow Busters - Why Hunt Crows
Except for the handful of recipes for preparing crow, why in this day of rampant animal rights fanaticism should we continue to hunt and kill an animal that has no real monetary value?

The reason is that the crow has and continues to exhibit behavior that ranges from simply annoying to highly destructive. In agricultural areas, be it the pecan plantations of the south or the cornfields of the midwest, crows continue to account for extensive crop damage, including the nasty habit of pulling up sprouting grain in the spring... not to mention continuously pooping on vehicles parked in our driveway, directly below the huge Silver Maple tree in our front yard.

Furthermore, I've learned crows are a rogue element that I once believed to be allies of the evil squirrels that lurk in our backyard. However, I've recently discovered the crow to be a different form of backyard insurgent. While crows and squirrels both view my presence in the backyard as an immoral occupation of "their land", the two varmints are bitter enemies. As you can see in the attached photo, nobody is immune to the kamikaze attacks of the crow. So, now I'm perplexed. Do I fight the squirrels or do I start attacking crows? Both seem to hate my freedom, yet they also appear to hate each other. I think you'll agree that this presents quite a conundrum. I'm thinking a "Dog Park Saturday" is in order, where I invite all of my doggy buddies over to frolic in the backyard. For some reason, a high influx in canine presence makes both the squirrels and crows even more angry, but somebody needs to keep the order... and I'm the decider and decide it will be me and my puppy pals.

While once purely a country bird, crows have only recently moved into urban areas. The reason is NAFTA (North American Free Trade Agreement), which took effect January 1, 1994. I submit that NAFTA and its promise of laxed restrictions on continental migration drove the integration of crows into urban areas. Doing so has caused irrevocable harm to many, but mainly to the American Robin (Turdus migratorius).

A migratory bird of the thrush family, the American Robin has long been a staple of backyard suburbia. Their beautiful caroling can be heard throughout the day, and American Robins are often among the last songbirds singing as the evening sets in (listen to their song here: http://tools.wikimedia.de/~gmaxwell/jorbis/JOrbisPlayer.php?path=Turdus-migratorius-003.ogg&wiki=en). But ever since NAFTA, crows have taken jobs away from the American Robin to a dangerous level where I rarely even see or hear a robin in our backyard anymore. All I typically hear are annoying crow screams. So, I'm calling for a repeal of NAFTA!

In the meantime, Claire wants to play, so it's time for her to chew on her book. I don't want to put words in her mouth (pun intended), but we're hoping Claire eventually wants to read the book. Now, here are some random clips from this past weekend...

This sounds like Stew, but he was nowhere near Milwaukee this weekend:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18914479/?GT1=9951

Ironic quotes of the day

"(The President's) record has been to promise cooperation while finding new ways to subvert and obstruct... efforts to bring peace."
- President Bush speaking about Sudanese President Omar Hassan al-Bashir (referring to the civil war in Darfur)

Senator Kit Bond of Missouri, referring to newly declassified documents (part of a Senate Intelligence Committee investigation released Friday) that make clear the Bush administration was warned about the very challenges it now faces as it tries to stabilize Iraq. Senator Bond says the Senate Intelligence Committee "has become too embroiled in politics and partisanship to produce an accurate and meaningful report."
In case you missed it, the irony is that the report is both accurate AND meaningful (but was ignored).
http://www.forbes.com/feeds/ap/2007/05/25/ap3760783.html

Fallen Hero

On May 10th, my cousin Dakota passed away. My thoughts and best wishes go out to Uncle Doug and his family on the loss of a great dog. Dakota was nearly 12 years old and was a champion hunter in her prime. There wasn't a pheasant, duck or goose that could out-fox old Dakota, and I know she brought a lot of good times to Doug and his family. I'm going to head out to the backyard and give Dakota a 21-bark salute. Dakota, although I only recently got to meet you, please know you will be missed.

Nevermore

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Believe it or not, yet another infidel has infiltrated the back parcel of our property. This time, it's a pesky crow. I know it's a crow as opposed to a raven, but I don't know of any creepy Edgar Allen Poe poems about crows; thus, the entry begins with the first verse of Poe's The Raven (and a picture of Stew's favorite child-star-done-good, Raven Simone... you might remember her from The Cosby Show -- she was the cute little girl that WASN'T "Rudy").
Crows and ravens, although in the same genus (Corvus) are different birds (think of Kenmores and Hoovers; both are in the genus Canine Eradicatus, and are obviously related, but they are quite distinct vacuum brands/tribes). The words "crow" and "raven" themselves have little or no real taxonomic meaning. For example, Australian "ravens" are more closely related to Australian "crows" than they are to the North American Raven (Corvus corax). In general, the biggest black species, usually with shaggy throat feathers, are called ravens and the smaller species are considered crows. Regardless of their size, crows are pure evil.

The particular crow that has invaded our backyard is a total menace. Therefore, we have named it "Dennis". Not only does Dennis insist on expelling bird doo-doo onto both Stew and Momma's vehicles, but he also likes to attack me kamikaze style. Dennis will perch in a tree or on a power wire and "caw-caw" at me incessantly (Momma says the crow is "cock-cocking", to which Stew always lets out a snicker). Regardless of the pronunciation of the crow's taunt, it's quite an annoying little sound. Stew wants permission to purchase a pellet gun (as is his Constitutional right), but Momma is afraid that he'll "accidentally" shoot her with it (or shoot his eye out). She's probably right in either case, so Stew is stuck throwing sticks at Dennis and giving him "the bird"... and I'm not sure the latter act is an appropriate thing to do. Can one actually give a bird "the bird"? Anyway, I'm posting a few pictures of Dennis diving at me. You'll notice how cool I am about it, but Dennis had best make sure he doesn't get any closer to me when he dives at me like a kamikaze. One of these days, I will do my King Kong impersonation and swat Dennis out of the air... then, I'll promptly grab him by the throat and shake him ferociously (or, I might just take a few steps backward and bark like a mad dog). I haven't decided what I'll do just yet, but I assure you it will be merciless... and Dennis will be nevermore.

In other news, here's a Jon Stewart clip from October 2006... back when Dubya's approval rating was WAY up in the mid- to upper-30 percentage points. The clip is to remind us all of what the president's job entails:

http://onegoodmove.org/1gm/1gmarchive/2006/10/a_very_bad_job.html

Now that we know what his job is, something you might not know is that Dubya issued what is called the National Security Presidential Directive #51:

http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2007/05/20070509-12.html

This directive essentially makes Dubya "King of the World" if there's ever a "catastrophic event... with mass civilian casualties" anywhere in the world. Not just the U.S. but ANYWHERE in the world. Just more scary stuff from Georgie and Dick. Here's a link to a liberal website, which is the only place I could find any media talking about this. Luckily, I'm incredibly confident Congress will squash this little directive. I mean, they've done such a bang-up job of corraling this corrupt administration so far (and I thought Clinton was corrupt!)... I'm sure we can trust Congress on this one:

http://progressive.org/mag_wx051807

And, what the heck? Why not some more political humor? Enjoy this clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dtf_Gxy9ZRY

Insomniac

Claire has become an insomniac, so it's been difficult for me to blog during the day. She used to take much longer naps, allowing me to whip out a blog entry. Now, she doesn't nap as long - or as often - and I have chores to do while she's asleep. Therefore, you'll likely be seeing fewer blog entries. But fear not, for I have some amazing news to report on the Kenmore Terror Network, not to mention even more outdoor advisaries to tell you about... and I'm talking more than just ducks this time, too!

When Claire isn't playing with Stew or taking a quick little nap, she's been putting together a new workout video she's calling Body by Claire. In the video, she plans to show how she has developed rock-solid abs while maintaining a soft-as-a-baby's-bottom buttocks. I'm attaching several video stills of Claire performing exercises you can expect to see in the video, which will be available for purchase just in time for Christmas... make checks or money orders payable to "Bogart Stewart" in the amount of $25.95 ($19.95 + $6.00 postage/handling). Claire says the key to her success is a steady diet of baby formula. She says, "It's okay to indulge in solid foods every now and again, but don't eat as much of it as your parents want you to... throw a fit if you need to, but avoid eating a complete meal at all cost! I've found that projectile vomiting works wonders in getting them to stop force-feeding me the slop they call 'baby cereal'."

When Claire isn't shooting her workout video, she also likes to chew on her books. She also has a stuffed dog that sings songs like, "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes". Unfortunately, she has yet to show Stew where her nose is located, yet he continues asking. And when I walk over to him and show him my nose by sticking it in front of his face, all he ever says to me is, "Ohhhh, my god, Bogart... your breath smells like ass!" I don't think that's a compliment, but I'm going to continue sticking my nose in his face regardless. I'm not sure what he expects my breath to smell like, and I assume Stew's never tasted the "dog chow" he serves up to me in a dirty bowl everyday. They say "you are what you eat", and if you eat crap day in and day out, then I summize your breath is not going to smell like roses. And let's be honest here - there are times I need to "pamper" myself that involves sticking my tongue in places you don't want to know about. Let's just leave it at that, shall we?

In other news, Aunt Dee (Florida) sent me this: “When you have done something good, you will receive one Schrute buck. One thousand Schrute bucks equals an extra five minutes for lunch.”
- Dwight Schrute

Where do I begin?

Greetings, faithful bloggees (if any of you still remain following my hiatus). I've missed blogging to you, but not nearly as much as you've missed me. Right? If not, then keep it to yourself. I'm not sure where to begin, so I'll start at the end and move backwards...

WAR ON TERROR EXPANDS
This morning, I discovered a new form of intruder had infiltrated the back parcel of our property. There were two of the winged combatants (I don't recall ever seeing them before), and I wasted no time dispatching my vengeance upon them. They took to the air before I could detain them to administer "enhanced interrogation techniques" (a new phrase Right-Wingers are using in place of "torture"; something I learned last night while watching -- with both paws over my eyes -- the Republican Presidential Primary Debate on the Faux News channel). Stew chastised me, telling me the creatures are "only ducks", as if that matters. To me, they join squirrels in the category of "outdoor terroristic threat", so I'm putting ducks on notice. Speaking of squirrels, I recently heard that there are those in the world who actually feed squirrels, as if the rodents are harmless furry pets. In my mind, people who do this are unpatriotic treasonists. Feeding squirrels only emboldens our enemies and underminds my troops as we battle all that is evil (squirrels, vacuums, mail carriers and possibly even ducks). Shame on you... you know who you are!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!
To all you mothers out there (no, I don't mean you, Myrold), I'd like to give a shout out and wish you a Happy Mother's Day. Obviously, I'm a little late with my well-wishes, but what can I say? Stew had the computer tied up round the clock for the last several days trying to finish his short-story for Minnesota Monthly Magazine (the Tamarack Award writing contest). It only took him several days to write 14 double-spaced pages... equating to 3,992 words. This is something that should've taken, oh... I don't know, about four hours? But, Stew's obsessive compulsive tendencies to write, edit, re-write, edit again, re-write again, etc... made the endeavor take a little longer to complete.

Anyway, we had a fabulous Mother's Day here. Following is a poem Claire asked me to post on the blog in honor of Momma. You'll need to give her a break on her rhyming ability cause she's just a baby...

My momma has a first name,
It's L-I-N-D-A;
My momma is a perfect mom,
In each and every way;
Oh, I love to hug her everyday,
And if you ask me "why?" I'll saaaaay...
'Cause my momma really has a way of
L-O-V-I-N-G me!

And following is a little message from me...

Momma, you're my number one girl;
And that's a soft place to fall.
When the world has betrayed me,
You're the first one I call.
I'm your little "Bogey";
My devotion is true.
I know that you love me,
'cause you're always sayin' so to Stew.
You saved me from Katrina,
So I wouldn't get wet.
And, you graciously scoop my stools
To take to the vet.
Happy Mother's Day, Momma. I love you!
And to all you other moms out there [winking], What up, ladies?
You lookin' real good...
Why don't you stop over some time and pet my chicken?
Peace out, home girls.

TWINS WIN! (and then lose)
On two consecutive weekends, Stew attended Twins baseball games. On the 12th, Stew and Momma witnessed the Twins get trounced by the Detroit Tigers. They attended the game with their squirrel-loving friends, Kara and Mike. Mike provided awesome seats, so Stew was willing to look beyond the fact that Mike feeds squirrels. I, on the other hand, am not sure how I feel about it. Let me chew on it for a while and get back to you. Stew attended a Twins vs. Boston Red Sox game the previous Saturday with Uncle Jimmy, some guy named Mike "Simply Irrestible" Simpson, and Uncle Jimmy's nephew. Stew called a cab sometime around 11PM to take him home from the bar after the game because his belly was filled to capacity with beer. What a lightweight.

McMANSION TOUR
Last Friday night, Stew, Momma and Claire went driving around a couple different neighborhoods to look at houses. Apparently, we plan to move sometime within the next two years, so they are psychotically looking for houses now. For some reason, they are starting their search by looking at houses we could never afford (aka "McMansions"). My theory is that looking at houses they can't buy will somehow motivate them to make more money... which, in Stew's case, means he'll need to start bringing in more than $0. Shouldn't be too difficult for an award-winning salesman of quality furniture at a modest price. They arrived home from their tour with Dairy Queen ice cream desserts and a list of properties. Momma looked up the houses on the World Wide Interlink Thingamajob while Stew sat in the big recliner and spilled his Blizzard down the front of his shirt while saying, "why don't they turn the Blizzard upside down anymore when they hand it to you?" (just as he's turning his Blizzard upside down). Mystery solved. Meanwhile, Momma discovered the asking price for the cheapest house on the list to be $1.1 million. Apparently the houses are all made of gold. The search continues...

MY ACHING PAWS
On the 5th, Momma and I joined our buddies for the Humane Society's Walk for the Animals while Stew and Claire stayed at home to watch cartoons and eat huevos rancheros. I got to wear a nifty bandana, and here we are with our friends Aunt Dee and Remmy (the black lab) and Aunt Julie and Lily (the beagle). That means I'm the mutt in the picture. The walk was interesting, and I saw an alligator (I think Momma even petted it). Stew ate "Gator Bites" once, and he says they tasted like (a rubber) chicken... which I think I would like very much. There were also a few clowns on the walk. And by "clowns", I mean clowns. Not the way Stew is a clown, but the way a psychotic person paints their face and wears silly clothes clown. I wasn't real interested in the clown. And, apparently Momma is deathly afraid of clowns, yet she managed to suppress her fear long enough to pose for this picture. Momma's good at suppressing her feelings, which I guess explains why Stew is still allowed to live with us. Anyway, we must have walked like three miles, which isn't that far. But, when the only exercise you get is running laps around the big trees in your backyard, three miles can be a long way. Luckily, Aunt Dee drove us to and from the walk. I got to ride in the way back of her little Volvo station wagon while dripping druel on its nice leather seats.

I think that about covers it. I'm currently still running some reconnaissance missions on the Kenmore terror network, and I should have some new findings to announce in the near future. The Operation Spring Cleaning appears to have been a ruse to throw me off track. Then again, nothing around our house actually happens on schedule, so -- as always -- I'll remain on full alert. In the meantime, I have to go get ready to watch a TV show called Lost. In tonite's episode, Jack devises a plan to do away with "The Others" once and for all, and Sayid uncovers a flaw in "The Others'" system that could lead to everyone's rescue. Plus, Charlie's dangerous task may make Desmond's premonition come true. And by the time the episode ends at 10PM, there's a good chance my head will have exploded.

Parting shots

I couldn't leave on sabbatical without a few parting shots. So, here's a picture of Claire doing push-ups on her Smart Pad blanket thing that I'm not allowed to walk on or even sniff. I'm also including some funny and/or insightful video clips for your enjoyment. I strongly encourage you to take the time to watch the two (2) Bill Moyers' interviews at the end. In both clips, Moyers interviews Jon Stewart. And, both clips will give you a tremendous amount of insight as to why I love Jon Stewart and his TV show on Comedy Central, as well as why I think he's the only person who can save America from the mainstream media and cable news channels.

In the meantime, here's a hilarious clip from The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, courtesy of Cousin Ed. Ed is actually Grandma Helen's cousin, but since Ed lives in or near a bayou, I feel extremely close to him since I'm originally from New Orleans. Thanks for the clip, Cousin Ed!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-J0X9rm20Qo

The Daily Show clip, Mess O'Potomac:

http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=86300

Bill Moyers interviewing Jon Stewart last week on Bill Moyers Journal, his new PBS show:

(33 minute clip) http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/04272007/watch.html

Bill Moyers interviewing Jon Stewart in 2003 on Moyers' previous PBS show, NOW. This is another good interview... here's a little taste: [Jon Stewart comparing Fox News to some other news channel] "...news wants to be objective. Leaving Fox News out of it because that's sort of a different animal. And, by the way, a very entertaining animal. I enjoy watching Fox News, and I think every country should have their own Al-Jazeera."

(20 minute clip) http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/archives/stewart_vid.html

Updates before my sabbatical

From time to time, it's important to take some time off. I learned this by watching Dubya for the past year and a half. So, I've decided to take a little sabbatical from the blog. Besides, Stew has to finish editing his short-story entry for the Tamarack Award, a writing contest sponsored by Minnesota Monthly Magazine. And by "finish editing" I mean "start writing." The deadline is May 15th. And if I know Stew like I think I do, there's a very good chance he'll spend every other day re-writing what he wrote the day before, and the finished product will be close to the draft he started out with on the first day. The grand prize for the contest is $10,000, which would undoubtedly buy me a lot of doggie biscuits. So, before my sabbatical, I want to provide you with a couple updates on some past entries...

CLAIRE (STILL) HATES LOVIN' SPOONS FULL OF MUSH...

You might recall we recently started Claire on solid food. Unfortunately, she didn't take to eating out of a bowl or with a spoon too well. In the previous blog entry,
(http://stay-at-home-dog.blogspot.com/2007/04/solid-attempt-at-solids.html)

I posted pictures of Claire's first meal of baby cereal (delicious organic rice flavored). Well, here's a picture of her 2nd meal later the same day. Now for the good news... last night, Claire actually ate some cereal for the first time without [I'm quoting Stew here] crying like a little girl... which Stew knows a thing or two about.

NCAA MARCH MADNESS BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT WAS FIXED!

It's been bothering me big time that my Georgetown Hoyas were robbed of the NCAA men's basketball title. Apparently, Florida never got the memo that said it's nearly impossible for a team to repeat as NCAA champions. Also, Ohio State University obviously ignored the fact that their team is simply too young to go as far as they did in the tournament (knocking off Georgetown in the semi-finals to advance to -- and lose -- the championship game). Now, thanks to Don Imus and his comments about the Rutger's women's basketball team, I'm not able to share my true feelings on how I feel Georgetown played in their final game. Clearly, the Georgetown team that showed up to play Ohio State in the semi-finals was NOT the Georgetown Hoya team I was counting on to win the championship. So, if Don Imus had not made his racist and sexist comments, then I probably would have said something like the Georgetown team played worse than the St. Joseph's 3rd Grade Girls Basketball Team. But, I don't want to offend any girls out there, let alone any 3rd graders. I understand it's tough enough just trying to hold your own in a school made up of a bunch of mean 4th, 5th and 6th graders (not to mention nuns with rulers and itchy trigger fingers). And, I certainly don't want to offend any Catholics out there because, as Stew once told me, they can cast spells on me... and I really don't want that. So, let's just say I'm disappointed in Georgetown's play and leave it at that.

CLAIRE IS EXCEPTIONAL!

At her 6-month baby check-up, Claire got high marks (again) for her length, weight and head size. She's in the upper 92nd percentile with her 27" length (she's currently wearing 9-month size baby clothes). Her weight of 17lbs 6.5ozs puts her in the upper 80th percentile. And her head size of 17.25" means she can now wear Stew's baseball caps (remember, Stew is somewhat of a pin head). Even though none of us know what these percentiles really mean, we equate them to brilliance. Stew is CONSTANTLY telling Linda how he was in the upper 99th percentile for math and english according to something called an SRA test given to elementary school kids in the 1970's. Well, I'm sure his mother is proud that he really put those smarts to good use... Stew now realizes she was right all along and that he should have been an Actuary. He would've saved a ton on wardrobe -- instead of wearing the suits he wore as a salesman, he could've gotten by with just one knit tie, a couple short-sleeved button-down shirts, and a pocket protector. Mothers do know best...

It is a rough road that leads to the heights of greatness.

I'm still quite proud (and totally amazed) that Stew ran a 10K with Momma. I'm not surprised Momma ran it, and she will be back in her prime running form soon... she has the Twin Cities' Marathon later this year - yikes!

But, it appears Momma and Stew are not the only athletes in my family. Uncle Brad (the self-appointed StewRat) recently completed two bike races in Florida: 1) The Bike Across Florida (a 150-mile trip), and 2) the Tour de Forts 2007 (a 75-mile race). Here's a picture of Uncle Brad going slightly off course at the Castillo de San Marcos Fort in St. Augustine, FL (site of the Tour de Forts). Despite this mishap, Brad still managed to finish the race. So, I send a high-paw to Uncle Brad in Florida!


In other sporting news, Uncle Matthew "Mattie" Myrold took 2nd Place in the 2007 Mandan Mountain Jam disc golf tournament last weekend. Not only does success at disc golf involve amazing stamina walking from hole to hole, but also a great deal of skill to fling your disc into the bucket (or to locate your errant disc under a pile of tree branches and leaves after you fling it into the forest). It's a great sport for those seeking a leisure activity without a lot of danger. Then again, one of the last times Stew played a round of golf with Uncle's Matt, Pete, Kermit and Russell, Stew ended up in the emergency room receiving four stitches to close the laceration above his eye caused by a (deliberate) disc to the noggin (thrown by Kermit). Anyway, a high-paw to Uncle Mattie. Well done, lad!

Here's a little something to give us all inspiration for whatever it is we want to accomplish - be it destroying the household vacuum cleaner, training for a marathon, or writing your first book...

It's lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in myself.
- Muhammad Ali

The principle is competing against yourself. It's about self-improvement, about being better than you were the day before.
- Steve Young

The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will.
- Vince Lombardi

You are never a loser until you quit trying.
- Mike Ditka

I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.
- Michael Jordan

Never let your head hang down. Never give up and sit down and grieve. Find another way.
- Satchel Paige

If you aren't going all the way, why go at all?
- Joe Namath

It ain't what you eat but how you chew it.
- Delbert McClinton

If you chase two squirrels at the same time, both will surely escape.
- Bogart Stewart

Mission Accomplished

Major road racing operations by Stew have ended! Saturday morning, Momma and Stew ran a 10K road race with their friend, Bev. Let me repeat that again -- Momma AND STEW ran a 10K race. For Stew's sake, I was hoping the "K" stood for "step" or "second"... but it's apparently an abbreviation for kilometer, which I'm told is quite far. Now, if you're anything like me - a short, hairy, four-legged, ladies' man (sorry Uncle Kermit... you are one leg shy) - then you are undoubtedly asking yourself, "how the heck did Linda get Stew to agree to this nonsense?" Well, I got my answer Saturday morning when I found Stew wearing his "Show me your boobs!" t-shirt and his pimp shoes (as their name suggests, these are shoes that resemble those that only a pimp would likely wear). Apparently, Stew didn't realize he was running a 10K. Instead, he insists that Momma told him they were going on a pub crawl, which explains why Stew was wearing his favorite drinking shirt (not to mention his "going out" shoes). Momma said, "I knew Stew would never agree to a 10K, but he'd be fired up for a pub crawl... he hardly slept the night before because he was so excited." For those who have never been on a pub crawl, consider yourself lucky. The event (or crawl) starts at one pub, where you have a few drinks before you are taken via bus or trolley to the next pub. This cycle continues until you eventually drink yourself erect (i.e., upright in position or posture). At the end of the crawl, you will either go home in a taxi OR to jail in a paddy wagon. These are your only two choices, assuming you skip the "bail out" option: a ride to the hospital in an ambulance about midway through the pub crawl.

Anyway, once Stew learned that he'd be participating in a 10K, he hopped on the computer to Google "has anyone ever died from a 10K". To his horror, Stew found the answer he was NOT hoping for (http://www.mywire.com/pubs/MercuryNews/2006/03/26/1325035?extID=10037&oliID=229). Then, knowing a failure to stretch before running would lead to a crippling effect due to his sciatica issues, Stew immediately ran downstairs and popped his Rodney Yee's Yoga for the Back DVD into the player. Within 10 minutes, Stew was screaming for help because he had somehow gotten his right leg stuck behind his head... we are unsure how or why this happened since there are no exercises on the DVD instructing one to place one's leg behind one's head. Frankly, I'd just like to drop the subject if you don't mind. So, shortly after we untied Stew from his human pretzel, he changed from his pub crawl clothes into his jogging gear (see picture at right).

Soon after Stew was ready, Aunt Karen showed up to dog-sit me and baby-sit Claire while Momma's plan to "eliminate" Stew via a heart attack and/or stroke was put into motion. [Rumor has it that Stew has quite a hefty insurance policy on his head... and Momma REALLY wants a dinette set and new rain gutters.] As Stew and Momma were leaving, Aunt Karen presented Stew with a bag of chocolate chip cookies. Apparently, the cookies were intended to be a reward for AFTER the race, but Stew mistook them as a dessert to follow up the one little energy bar he had for breakfast. After picking up Bev, Stew drove everyone to Minnehaha Park where the race took place. Regardless of a severe traffic jam, the three managed to make it to the starting line just a couple minutes after the start of the race. Luckily, Stew had 10 minutes of his yoga prior to the race, but neither Momma nor Bev had a chance to stretch, so they had difficulty keeping up with Stew's 4-minute mile pace.

There's no need to provide any details about the race itself. Stew would quickly lose his 4-minute mile pace and decide to run alongside Linda instead. Rest assured the race was as ugly as you'd expect. Miraculously, Momma and Stew both finished with the exact same time of 1:10:52 (a little quicker than an 11.5 minute per mile pace). Out of 2,154 men who ran the race, Stew finished in 2,063rd place; Momma finished 1,563rd out of 1,888 female runners. Bev smoked them both by finishing three minutes earlier. Here's a photo of the event. Linda is wearing a white shirt, Bev has a blue shirt on, and Stew is running shirtless. About 200 yards before the finish line, I'm told Stew turned to Linda and said, "I don't ever want to do this again." Therefore, I can confidently tell you: Mission Accomplished.

With the end of the race came the end of Stew and Momma's Chubby Challenge. To refresh your memory, the Chubby Challenge was a 12-week contest where both Momma and Stew agreed to drop 10% of their body weight. Unfortunately, the Chubby Challenge was a bust in that neither participant lost any weight (Stew actually gained 5 lbs.). The problem with the challenge is that they were not competing for any reward at the end. They were only playing for pride. However, Stew has never had any pride in himself, and Linda lost all hers the day she married Stew. So, to celebrate the end of the challenge, the two lovebirds dined on chili dogs and homemade Mac-N-Cheese. A Chubby Challenge II is in the works. Instead of pride, I think the two are going to try to "do it for Claire" instead. She's definitely worth the effort, so I'm thinking this second attempt might work better. Plus, Stew has agreed to start cooking healthier meals and to do away with Chili Dog Night every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.