Boo who?

I've discovered a poltergeist living in our house, and here's the video evidence to prove it. I was going to use the Theme from the Exorcist for background music, but I discovered the theme song is about 274 minutes long. And, frankly, I don't have that kind of time. Regardless, I'm sure the music I selected - along with the video itself - will scare the bejesus out of you. View it at your own risk... and watch out for projectile vomiting at the end!

Joke of the Day (from Stew's Aunt Almita):

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with excrement and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk guy was stumbling by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunken man stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter because he had watched the whole incident) walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunkard, still staring down replied, "I don't know, but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

Happy Halloween

Claire's Little Ducky Theorem

Claire recently shared with me what she calls her Little Ducky Theorem. The proof for her theorem is: If bathtime = a large towel used to dry me AND a large towel used to dry me = no fun, THEN bathtime = no fun. Claire went on to say, "...and furthermore, if pigs could in fact fly, then bacon would be sold in the poultry case at the grocery store." Obviously, Claire is wise beyond her year. Anyway, this past weekend (on bath day), a naked Claire was scene fleeing the bathroom with one shoe in her hand while screaming, "You'll never catch me... I'm the wind!" Stew is often seen doing the same thing but, thankfully, nobody ever chases him or takes a photo.

This weekend, Claire got lots more fun things for her birthday. Her good buddy (and honorary cousin), Naiya, gave Claire a grocery cart full of food products. I think they're fake products, but I've yet to get one in my mouth to confirm. Claire also got a set of toy maracas that she likes to beat on my head (Thanks, Naiya... and Aunt Michelle & Uncle Peter Karl)! Aunt Michelle took some photos of Claire and Naiya, so I got a picture of the girls checking out the photos. Claire was especially amused by the slideshow capabilities of Aunt Michelle's camera.

We also had a few people over for Momma's birthday. Stew slow roasted a bird carcass and made some other vittles. Aunt Karen made a Red Velvet Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting, Aunt Dee brought over some baked brie, and Aunt Michelle made a batch of gluten-free brownies. Everyone else pretty much sat on their butts asking "is there anything I can do?" while knowing full well Stew would not accept their assistance. Aunt Julie gave Momma a gift of not one... not two... but THREE coffee mugs full of chocolates. This infuriated Stew, who has since exorcised the mugs of their delicious chocolate contents and deposited the mugs in a box in the garage marked in black permanent marker with the letters G-O-O-D-W-I-L-L.

On Sunday, Momma dressed Claire in her new Stowe, Vermont, fleece jacket... along with her pink bear hat... and took Claire and I outside for a walk. Claire holds my leash while Momma pushes the jogging stroller. Normally Stew holds my leash, but on Sunday afternoon he was downstairs lying on the couch pulling his hair out while watching the Vikings lose yet another football game. I'm not sure why he bothers, and this is about the time of the season when he starts cheering for the Green Bay Packers. You see, each year Stew starts out hoping the Vikings have a good season only to switch his allegiances to the Packers mid-season. It's a definite "no-no" to do this while living in Minnesota, but Stew says he grew up in SoDak and liked both teams as a kid. So, somehow this makes it alright. Plus, he often tells me, "Bogart, if these Minnesota sporting teams want my support, then they'd better start winning... oh, and lowering beer prices at the Metrodome and Target Center wouldn't hurt either."

On Sunday night, Momma's cousin Michael was in town for a visit. He stayed for dinner and watched Desperate Housewives with us. Aunt Karen came over just in time for leftover birthday cake. Michael recently got back from serving a tour in Iraq and will soon be finishing his Ice Dancing Degree at the University of Illinois (that's an inside joke...). At our house, anyone who wears a uniform is considered a hero... except for the Robbinsdale policeman who looks like Chief Clancy Wiggum from The Simpsons television show. This clown issued Stew a citation for rolling through the stop sign at the end of our block at 5:45AM one morning while Stew was enroute to work. There were no cars in sight, and Stew just barely rolled through the sign, but he got a ticket instead of a warning. He thought it'd be a $25 fine, but it turned out to cost him $150 and a couple points on his insurance record. Apparently ANY moving violation in Minnesota brings a minimum $150 fine. Guess how many times Stew has seen Robbinsdale police cars roll through stop signs since receiving his ticket. All that aside, we are extremely proud of Michael and very happy he's home and safe with his family in Chicago. I don't have permission to post his picture on the blog, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm fairly certain he could snap me like a twig over his leg, but I'm hoping he doesn't. He brought me some of Grandma Helen's homemade doggie biscuits when he arrived at our house, so I'm hopeful he still likes me even after posting his picture.

End of week updates...

It's been a busy week 'round here. Stew's been taking up space at the computer desk downloading and editing vacation photos, as well as pictures from Claire's 1st birthday. Plus, Momma had to fly to Long Island on business Wednesday - Thursday (no doubt for a meeting with Joey Buttafucco). Thursday (yesterday) was Momma's birthday, and she didn't get home from the airport until 9:00pm. But, she didn't have much to rush home to (other than Claire) because Pops doesn't have any money to get her a birthday gift... so, he made her a scrapbook of photos from their trip. Between you and me, based on the looks of the scrapbook, I think Stew hired the 4-year old kid from down the street to put the thing together. The price = one (1) Yoo-Hoo drink.

Anyway, as you might recall, Claire had her 1st birthday last week. She received books, toys and clothing. Unfortunately, she wasn't too interested in posing for a photo, but I did my best. She received lots more clothing than the little sweatshirt she's wearing, but I didn't think it was appropriate to pile the clothing on the floor. Apparently, that's Momma's job judging by the continual pile of her clothes that can be found on the floor of the master bedroom.

And... some might recall that Stew submitted a short story to Minnesota Monthly magazine for its annual Tamarack Award contest (winning prize = $10,000 and the story published in the magazine). Well, Stew did not win... not even an honorable mention. Here's a bio of the winning author (followed by Stew's bio):

The Winner: Eric Braun, 36, grew up in Reno. Eleven years ago, he moved to Minneapolis, where he works as a nonfiction book editor with Free Spirit Publishing. He holds a bachelor’s degree in English literature from the University of Nevada–Reno and a master of fine arts in fiction writing from Minnesota State University in Mankato. “I wrote my first short story when I was in the second or third grade,” Braun says. “I’ve been writing seriously for the past 10 years.” He is a former participant in the Loft Mentor Series, and his writing has been published in Green Mountains Review, the Great River Review, and the Adirondack Review.

Stew: Brett Stewart, 39, grew up in Pierre, SD. Ten years ago, he moved to Minneapolis, where he sits around all day in his underwear complaining about not having a writing career. He holds a bachelor's degree in Business Administration from the University of SD, which he put to good use marketing and selling extraordinarily high-quality furniture at a modest price for the past five years. He hung up his selling shoes last December to pursue writing while being a stay-at-home-dad. "I wrote my first - and only - short story when I was in the fourth grade," Stew says. "I basically plagiarized an Encyclopedia Brown story and called it my own. I don't consider myself a short-story writer, but I can spin a helluva yarn if I have an adequate amount of beer in my belly." He is a former participant in the Pierre Area Punt-Pass-and-Kick competition (1981), in which he placed Third. "I couldn't throw or kick a football," says Stew. "But I could punt one like nobody's business." Aside from this blog, Stew's writing has yet to be published, most likely because he only blogs and hasn't been writing. But, we're all confident he'll continue complaining about it until the time comes when his children are school age... at which time he'll need to dust off his selling shoes and get a job, thereby pulverizing his dream of ever becoming a serious writer.

Pretty as a postcard

Well, at least Momma looks good in the photos. Stew, on the other hand, needs some serious work done. Anyway, now that Momma and Papa have returned from their trip to Vermont, I can resume my blog posting. Yes, indeed... you ARE lucky people. I'll begin with a little photo taken by Stew somewhere south of Montpelier, the capital of Vermont (for those who cannot recall their 4th Grade geography lesson on state capitals). The second photo shows land (and horses) owned by the resort where Momma and Stew stayed in Stowe (http://www.topnotchresort.com/). Par for the course, it was cloudy everyday of their trip, except for Sunday... the day Momma and Stew returned home.
In typical Stew fashion, he created an itinerary for each day of the trip that mainly involved driving around in a rental car and looking at stuff. They visited towns like St. Albans, Northfield Falls, and Felchville (which held its annual town celebration just the week before their visit). Stew texted me a few observations he made during his travels, including the fact that each and every town in Vermont apparently has it's own "country store", a fleet of Subaru Outbacks, and at least one Dunkin Donuts shop. Plus, Stew reports that Vermont gas stations do not sell fountain soda pop. Finally, at the very last gas station they visited, Stew was able to locate a fountain pop dispenser. He was so excited he made Momma pull the car over and take a picture of him holding his 48oz fountain Coke while wearing his Dwight Schrute for President t-shirt.

I'm still in the process of editing and uploading all the vacation photos to the MY PICTURES link over there (picture me pointing my paw in the direction of the rightside of your computer screen). In fact, Momma even took part in a hair product photoshoot for Pantene. Notice how rich and full of volume her hair is in the photo...

Anyway, I'll post a couple other Vermont photos below while I continue creating an online photo gallery. But first, Aunt Karen sent a photo of Claire. The photo was taken after Claire spent a day with her grandmas, who obviously wore Claire out. Momma, Stew and I are all extremely grateful that Claire was so well taken care of these last few days. Plus, I got two square meals each day because nobody forgot to feed me. Ask me if I got my breakfast this morning now that Stew is back in charge...

I need some time off...

Claire had a rough birthday, but she survived. As previously reported, Claire injured her head while falling into a wall, thereby leaving a big red mark on her forehead. As if that weren't enough, Claire (might have) burned her finger after sticking it in the burning flame of one of her birthday cake candles (cake compliments of Aunt Karen Creations). Claire either burned herself OR scared the dickens out of herself... either way, she was screaming... and Stew was crying! And to top off the day, Claire bit (and cut) the inside of her lip just before bedtime. All in all, it was a tough 1st birthday. But Stew - always the optimist - suggested that having birthdays like this will only make Claire stronger in handling her future 21st birthday.

So, I'm taking a few days off while Stew and Momma travel around Vermont. Speaking of Vermont, Momma went to the Emergency Room last night after badly twisting her ankle while walking to her car after leaving work. No breaks... no crutches... just a swollen glob of gooing ankle. Looks like Stew will be carrying Momma around the mountain paths on his back like an ass (or is it burro?). Anyway, I'll report back next week. In the meantime, enjoy a photo of Claire -- who is now an official One Year Old!

Fun, fun... look who's one!

Claire is one year old today! And, to celebrate, she took a header into a safety gate in the living room. She was "running" across the room with a throw pillow. After tripping over the pillow, she fell into the gate... leaving a nice, red rug-burn-looking mark (which I believe is commonly referred to as a "raspberry"... or some other small fruit). Just in time for her one year photos, no less (including an upcoming session with a professional photographer... who is NOT Stew). Claire is healing by teaching Grandma Helen the fine art of napping. It's only 9:15AM, but it's been a long day already!

Luckily, I was able to use the timer on Stew's digital camera to shoot some birthday photos with Claire, which I'll post at the bottom of this entry. In the meantime, I want to thank everyone who voted for Claire in the Baby, You're a Star photo contest sponsored by Evenflo (a baby gear manufacturer). We don't yet know if Claire won. According to the contest website, "...finalists will be notified by phone, mail, email, smoke signals or Pony Express. The winner will be selected based upon online votes, and subject to approval by Evenflo." I think the last line means Evenflo will send someone to Minneapolis to confirm Claire is, in fact, a baby... and not a professional little person model.

The consultants

A couple weeks ago, Momma had to take some consultants out to dinner. One evening, she came home from work and announced to Stew "I won't be home tomorrow night until around 9:00 o'clock... there are some sons-of-bitches visiting our company, and I have to take the bastards out to dinner." Then she giggled like a little schoolgirl. I didn't understand why she was being so crass until later, when Stew showed me the following clip from a Seinfeld episode where George Costanza had to take some consultants out to dinner:

Those sons-of-bitches Momma was working with are from the South (the Carolinas to be precise). After one of them saw a picture of yours truly (that'd be me) sitting on Momma's desk, he inquired as to my breed. Momma explained that I originated in New Orleans and that recent DNA test results proved inconclusive. To which one of the bastards replied, "I'll bet he's got some English Shepherd in him... it's a very prevalent breed in the South, especially in rural areas and on dairy farms."

With Stewart being a Scots-Irish name and all, I'd hate to think I could possibly be part Limey (a racial slur referring to the British), but I Googled "English Shepherd" and discovered that those sons-of-bitches are probably right. The photo above is an English Shepherd, and you can see more pictures at www.nesr.info/index.htm.

In the meantime, here's my understanding of how the world of consulting works. You might have to click on the photos in order to read the text... then again, sometimes clicking on photos on this blog does nothing. But, the I.T. consultants at Blogger.com refuse to answer any of my emails... those sons-of-bitches!
Or, here's another good explanation:

The Grandmas are coming!

Both of my grandmas are coming to visit next week... which happens to be Claire's 1st birthday! Also, Momma and Stew are heading to Vermont for a long weekend (Thursday - Sunday), so the grandmas are going to spend the time wrestling each other for Claire. I just hope they remember to feed me. Stew forgets to do so about every other day, but luckily I'm a master hunter and can find my own vittles on the back 1/10th acre. Claire, on the other hand, prefers graham crackers and Cheerios. She's also apparently received Momma's "pack rat" gene in that Claire likes to file things away (where they'll never again see the light of day). Here she is filing her 10th little baggy of graham crackers. About every other weekend I hear Papa Stew asking Momma "can this go to Goodwill?" just before he stomps by me toward the garage while muttering "of course not... why would we ever want to get rid of a box of picture frames... that would only leave us with three more boxes of them?" I think this is called "sarcasm" mixed with a tinge of "bitterness".

But, I don't want you to be bitter. So, click HERE to vote for Claire in the Baby, You're a Star photo contest! You'll be glad you did.

On this date in history...

TODAY... you place your 11th consecutive vote for Claire in the Baby, You're a Star photo contest. Click HERE to vote if you haven't already done so.

October 11, 1991:
Comedian Redd Foxx dies in Los Angeles at the age of 68, shortly after clutching his chest and crying, "I'm comin' to see you, Elizabeth!"

1985:
Stew is one of five candidates nominated for King of Hearts at T.F. Riggs High School in Pierre, SD. The title is basically 1/100th as prestigeous as Homecoming King. He loses the crown to Todd Johnson, a 6' 6" lineman on the football team, at the King of Hearts dance that's held in the school gymnasium. Stew demands a recount but is laughed off the stage. Later, he's found under the bleachers in the corner of the gym rocking back and forth while repeating the phrase, "I AM the King of Hearts..."

1975:
William Jefferson Clinton and Hillary Rodham are married in Fayetteville, Arkansas. Bill is 29 and Hillary just 27 years old. It proves to be a successful merger for both entities.

1948:
Singer-musician Daryl Hall is born. He later teams up with John Oates in 1969 to form what would become the GREATEST rock and soul duo of all time, Hall & Oates.

1932:
Country singer Dottie West is born. That's all I've got.

Great Faces. Great Places. Claire Stewart!

Just in case this Baby, You're a Star photo contest doesn't work out (click HERE to vote now), Claire is working another angle as a spokesmodel for the South Dakota Department of Tourism (www.travelsd.com). The state's tourism slogan is: Great faces. Great places. South Dakota! I'm not sure if any of you have ever been to South Dakota, but I have... and there aren't THAT many great faces. Not since Momma left the state anyway. Most everybody else looks like Stew (i.e., bewildered). I believe the Great faces portion of the slogan is a take on Mount Rushmore, while Great places could be any number of Stew's favorite locations in his hometown of Pierre (Bob's Lounge, The Longbranch Saloon, the American Legion Cabin bar, Dudley's Valley Tap, The Hopscotch Club, Oahe Lodge, etc...). But, it's obvious to me it's a reference to Herreid, SD (Momma's hometown). Papa often jokes that traveling to Herreid is like stepping into a time warp... you leave Minneapolis on a Friday in 2007, but when you arrive in Herreid it's like 1953. Things move a little slower there, but at least you can get an ice-cold beer at The Water Hole for about $1.50 a bottle... if you can find a barstool. Papa wanted me to be sure to mention that it was my idea to poke fun at Herreid. Stew had nothing to do with it. So, Grandpa Bob and Grandma Helen, please don't cut Stew off from his supply of free, farm fresh beef and pork!

Anyway, I thought I'd post pictures of a few of Claire's favorite places around the house. I'm not sure how I feel about her sitting on my bed or digging in my food dish. Oh well... enjoy!

Wag the Dog is coming...

My second blog is still in the works, but I'll release it within the next 30-60 days. It will focus on the demise of the country, mainly at the hands of a worthless media elite that, instead of reporting on real news, is more focused on saturating the airwaves with current pop culture "icons" and partisan politics. So, stay tuned...


In the meantime, I can't stop myself from posting the following Bill O'Reilly (Fox News) quote. It's hard enough watching this arrogant moron's show, but he made the following statement on the October 5th episode of The O'Reilly Factor. You see, O'Reilly is all in a huff after Chris Matthews, host of MSNBC's Hardball, called the Bush Administration a "criminal enterprise." O'Reilly has his panties in a bunch because Matthews - and MSNBC - are hosting tonight's Republican Primary Debate. O'Reilly's had a boner for NBC (including MSNBC) for years... calling it a far-left wing network. Remember, Fox is fair and balanced. Oh, the irony...

(full transcript is here: www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,300129,00.html)

BILL O'REILLY: Now for the top story tonight, for the first time ever, a political party may have a network news organization in its pocket! Commentator Chris Matthews is a stalwart at NBC News. But last night, apparently, he called the Bush administration a "criminal enterprise." NBC has a tape of those comments, but will not release it... The key concern is how will NBC's bias affect the Democratic party?

Math Camp Massacre

Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free!Above is a little movie trailer for a flick I recently produced through my company, TwoDogs Productions. Since I'm a huge fan of the old slasher film genre, this movie is quite violent and gruesome. Seriously. Like me, it might look harmless on the surface, but deep down inside hides a ferocious beast. So, cover your eyes (or don't watch it) if you are easily grossed out.

It's a marathon not a sprint

Of course, I'm speaking of the Baby, You're a Star photo contest sponsored by baby gear manufacturer, Evenflo. As you may or may not know, I entered Claire in the contest that runs through October 14th. Whichever baby receives the most online votes wins! So, I've been voting for Claire everyday, and I'm assuming y'all are doing the same. That is, unless you are a (very) special someone who dined on fish tacos last Friday with Stew & Claire at Pepitos, the award-winning Minneapolis Tex-Mex bar & grill (www.pepitosrestaurant.com). Perhaps some of you didn't realize you can vote EVERYDAY until October 15th. So... click HERE to vote now!

MARATHON MOMMA
In other news... Momma's our hero! She ran the 2007 Twin Cities Marathon on Sunday and finished the race despite numerous injuries. You see, Momma stubbed one of her middle toes last Friday. It turned black and blue-ish, and Momma kept making Stew "look at it!"... which made Stew cry out, "but I don't want to anymore!" In addition to Momma's discolored toe, she also suffers from Iliotibial Band Syndrome (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iliotibial_band_syndrome). The link will tell you more about the "i.t. band" ailment, but I can summarize it for you. The i.t. band runs from your knee to your brain and transports the message "running a marathon is illogical and harmful to your health." However, inflamation of the i.t. band prevents this message from reaching the brain and causes the afflicted to ignore the severe pain in their knee and happily run along like a lemming off the edge of a cliff. Anyway, despite a bad knee and a busted toe, Momma still ran the marathon. But no big surprise. Anyone who knows Momma knows her determination is unmatched. So, Stew and Claire spent the day cheering her on at various points along the route. They met up with Aunt Susan, Uncle Kermit and The Erickson Boyz (Berkley & Ole) to watch Momma run past the 10 mile marker. She was reportedly in good spirits and had a big smile on her face, no doubt because she was using the shirtless Asian man - who had a striking resemblance to a hairy Buddha - to draft behind (no offense to any Buddhists out there... or chubby, hairy Asian men for that matter). Momma was right on target for her 11 minute/mile pace. The next location Stew & Claire stopped to see Momma was the 21 mile mark. Here's a picture of Claire playing in the grass while they awaited Momma's arrival. They got there about an hour before Momma's pace would have her there, so Claire enjoyed a liquid lunch of delicious baby formula before playing with leaves and learning about ants. After seeing the shirtless Buddha guy run by, Claire and Papa moved closer to the roadway to cheer for Momma. Several minutes ticked by... 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 30 minutes... then fear set in. Momma should've been there by now, so Stew was trying his best to conceal his worry. Eventually, Claire fell asleep in the stroller... just before Momma appeared at the top of a small hill. She was limping along badly as if dragging one leg behind her. According to Stew, it scared the heck out of him. But Momma stopped when she reached them to tell Stew that while her knee was in severe pain, she was "almost to the end." And like an idiot, Stew replied, "but you've got more than five miles to go! Your leg is going to fall off or something. Dang, that's gotta hurt and you look like hell!" Momma looked at him with a disturbed look on her face and said, "I've just got to keep moving..." and off she limped. On the way back to their vehicle, Claire decided she had had enough and started whining. So, they headed for home while Momma finished the race. But, Claire got her second wind and stopped crying while they were stuck in traffic, so they decided to meet up with Aunt Julie at the 24.5 mile mark to cheer for Momma one last time. Upon their arrival, Stew prepared Julie to expect the worse. At the 21 mile mark, Momma had told Stew that an EMT almost removed her from the race out of concern for her wellbeing, but she told him to "back off, Jack!" I'm not sure how she knew his name was "Jack," but perhaps he had his name embroidered on his shirt. Who knows? Anyway, when Momma appeared at the 24.5 mile mark, her limp wasn't as bad as before, plus she was actually smiling! Again, she stopped for just a second to say she couldn't feel her knee but that she recently decided to use a running style different from the "limping pirate" she was using a few miles back. Momma eventually finished the race, and Aunt Julie gave her a ride to her (Momma's) car while Claire & Stew picked up chicken strips and cole slaw from the grocery store. On a side note, congratulations to our friend, Bev, for also finishing the marathon and winning a medal! Momma and Bev trained together, so way to go, Bev!

Claire made a sign to take along to help cheer on Momma. We took pictures of the sign this morning, and I got to wear Momma's medal for the photo. Despite severe knee pain, a nearly broken toe and a sore back, Momma finished in a time of 5 hrs 44 minutes (which equates to a 13 minute per mile pace)... ahead of nearly 600 other finishers. I'm not good enough with words to describe how proud we all our of Momma. She's our inspiration on so many levels, and we love her more than I can begin to say. We're proud of you, Momma... you're our rock!