On the road again...

Unfortunately, Uncle Willie (Nelson) won't be joining us this trip... although his Greatest Hits album will be... as will The Essential John Denver. That's right - we're hitting the road for a New Year's weekend at Ten Mile Lake Resort, located near luxurious Dalton, MN. This is one of the few lodges we've found that allows dogs (actually, it's the only one we've found because we stopped looking after such a good time on our first visit two years ago). And by "we", I mean "Aunt Susan and/or Uncle Kermit". They are the handlers of my cousins, Berkley (Bernese Mountain Dog) and Ole (a fellow mutt). So, along with Susan, Kermit, Berkley, Ole, Momma and Claire... we'll be joined by Aunt Veronica, Uncle Mattie, Theo & Tucker (the Dachsunds that like to hump me), Aunt Michelle, Uncle Peter and cousin Naiya... who are dogless but full of love. Unfortunately, we won't be joined by Uncle Russerio - King of All Homemade Irish Cream Makers - who apparently received a better offer this year. This will be Claire's first New Year's weekend trip, and she's excited to put her new salt and pepper shakers to good use.

Once again, we've secured The Canvasback Lodge on the grounds of Ten Mile Lake Resort. We're lake side for easy access to the ice fishing house. Stew's bringing a toboggan this year so someone (Uncle Mattie) can pull him to and from the fish house. You see, Stew rarely ventures outside any cabin in which we've ever stayed, so it will be a first if he actually makes it off the cabin porch (where the beer is stored). And although Stew asked Aunt Susan to add him to the list of "people who want snow shoes", I doubt he'll actually go snow shoeing now. Not after Sunday night, when Stew discovered a Monster Quest marathon on the Discovery Channel. It wasn't so bad when the first show was about Big Foot, because Stew's convinced Big Foot resides in Washington state. But the next show in the marathon was about some sort of hybrid wolf-dog that has purportedly devoured horses, livestock and even dogs in northern Minnesota (as well as in Maine and West Virginia). The beast supposedly resembles a hyena (its hind quarters are lower to the ground than its front), and it looks like a dog with a short snout. And if that weren't enough, the next show in the marathon was about black panthers that are apparently making their way to North America... and one was even spotted in Hugo, MN (about 45 minutes from my doghouse). So, Stew's afraid to leave the cabin, but I have no fear. Bring it on monsters and big cats!

We hit the road bright and early Saturday morning, and it's only a few hour trip to the resort. Then again, wasn't the S.S. Minnow on a short 3-hour tour when disaster struck? And isn't Stew about as bright as Gilligan (and approaching the size of Skipper)? Wish us luck. In the meantime, I hope to post tomorrow since I'll be on vacation until after New Year's, so stay tuned... but don't hold your breath.

Fleas Navidog!

From our dog pound to yours, we wish you a Merry Christmas! Reach out and touch someone this holiday season... or grab their nose... or tug their ear... or just do whatever it takes to let them know how you feel.

And compliments of Aunt Dee (Florida)...

My gift to you and yours...

This year, instead of sending everyone personlized pencils (you know, pencils engraved with your name), I decided to give y'all the gift that keeps on giving. Don't worry, I'm not talking about anything contagious... unless you consider pictures of the cutest and coolest baby in the world "contagious"! That's right, I've finally updated the MY PICTURES link on this site. Specifically, I uploaded about five months worth of Claire photos. Check it out. There are plenty of pictures in there that have not graced the pages of this blog.

In return for my generosity, please feel free to send me a box of Milkbones or a chew toy. Aunt Julie and Lily the Beagle got me a chew toy in the form of a Christmas tree. Please don't tell Bill O'Reilly (Fox News commentator) because I don't want him dragging me into his War on the War on Christmas. He calls dogs like me "secular progressive" and thinks I hate Christmas. On the contrary, I love Christmas... especially my new Christmas tree chew toy. Thanks, Aunt Julie and Lily the Beagle!
UPDATE: A few days ago, I posted some disturbing material provided to me by my Uncle Kermit. One thing I posted was a video of this German guy (envision me pointing my paw in the direction of the photo on your right) lipsyncing to a Jamie Walters song. Since them, Mommy has inquired as to how I know this guy is from Germany, as well as how I know the song is a Jamie Walters song. My response: journalistic integrity. As a journalist, it's my responsibility to present you with the facts, and not facts that I make up on my own to serve my own agenda. This is my personal blog and NOT a Fox News media outlet. So, I visited YouTube and tracked down this guy's personal profile, in which it specifies he's from Germany. As for knowing he's lipsyncing to a Jamie Walters song, I need to point out that I spend a lot of my time during the day watching TV... and the FX Channel occasionally airs reruns of 1990's shows, such as The Heights (a short-lived drama that aired in 1990 and produced by Aaron Spelling). Jamie Walters played musician Alex O'Brien on the show, and his hit, "How do you talk to an angel" was the series' theme song. A few years later, Walters went on to play Ray Pruit in seasons 5 through 7 of Beverly Hills 90210. Ray was a construction worker and the love interest of Donna Martin (Tori Spelling's character) before he eventually cheated on Donna with Val (played by Tiffani Amber Thiessen). And if the cheating wasn't enough, Ray eventually started using Donna as a punching bag before he was sent to rehab and written off the show. Such drama!

What would Stew do if he had a brain?

We had a water softener sales & service company visit our home the other day. After about eight years, Stew finally noticed that he's hardly ever put any salt pellets in the water softener tub. Ask Stew to define "hardly ever" and his face turns real red and smoke starts pouring out his ears as he storms away after posing a rhetorical "do I look like the #$!%&`-ing Culligan Man?" So, my guess is that "hardly ever" translates into "never" in Stew speak. Besides the obvious signs of a hard water problem, you'd think the fact that Stew's flesh has slowly been falling off the bone would give a strong indication a problem exists. Instead, Stew would just walk around the house muttering, "boy, my eczema has really been acting up ever since we moved in here..."

Anyway, some water softener expert dude showed up. Let's just call him "Dan" because that's his name. Oh, in the interest of full disclosure, I need to let you know that I am retelling this story from facts as presented to me by a witness I'll call "Claire." You see, I am not allowed to run free in the house whenever a repair man is visiting because my incessant barking freaks Stew out, so I was locked in our office when Dan was here. Claire was in Stew's arms, so I'm trusting her story is accurate.

As the two men and a baby made their way downstairs to the laundry room, Stew explained that he rarely puts salt in the softener... maybe just a couple times a year. See how his story changed? This means he's embarrassed by the truth, so telling this little fib protects him from being exposed as the dumbass he really is. When they reached the bottom of the stairs, I think I heard Stew say something like, "ya, I'm thinking we're gonna need about a 30,000 grain tank that's high efficiency with demand initiated regeneration capabilities..." This tells me Stew must have Googled "how to fake like you know what you're talking about + water softener" the night before.

The group arrived at the scene (the corner of the laundry room), and this is where Claire says Stew's ego was ruthlessly crushed by the one called "Dan." As I'm told, Dan walked over to the softener and looked at it for about two seconds. Still facing the softener, he turned his head back toward Stew and asked "you say the softener has never cycled on its own?" to which Stew replied, "right." Dan turned back to the softener and pointed at some dials and asked Stew, "you see these little pegs on this smaller dial... you need to press at least one of them outward so the little dial engages the larger control dial and the softener cycles." Stew tried to look shocked, as if a grumpy old troll that lives behind the water softener has secretly been coming out of hiding to make sure all the little pegs are flipped inward so the softener doesn't produce the hideous sounds it makes when it cycles. Regardless, Stew's dumbassity was exposed. Stew even asked Dan as he was leaving if this was "the dumbest service call you've ever had?" To which Dan mumbled something like "Ohhh... I get all kinds." So, I took Dan's reply to actually mean "No way, dude! You are clearly the biggest dumbass I have ever met. By the way, thanks for the colossal waste of my time... you're lucky I'm not a plumber, otherwise, I'd be charging you $200 an hour. I cannot wait to tell the boys back at the shop about you. Next time have your wife look at the softener before calling me."

In other news, Claire showed me her best Nick Nolte mugshot impression today. Check it out...

Reading Is Fundamental... but a bit messy.

After yesterday's post, I feel it's critical I get back to blogging about the real star of this weblog: Claire. Don't get me wrong. I love my Uncle Kermit with all my heart, which is why I had to respond when I received his numerous, not-so-subtle cries for help. And help is on its way, Uncle Kermit! Hang in there (that goes double for Aunt Susan). For now, I need to move on and distance myself from your scroto-art links and videos of lonely German guys lipsyncing to Jamie Walters in their apartments. Consider yesterday's post an intervention of sorts, and now it's time for you to actually work when you're at your job instead of finding crap on the internet and emailing it to me.

Today, I found Claire reading in her room. It would seem she doesn't have quite enough books to keep her interested and/or entertained. By the time I found her, she must have read nearly every book on her bookshelf because she had them all piled up on the floor... as if she tossed each book aside after reading it. At least when she's in her room reading Claire isn't following me around the house attempting to tear my ears from my head. She can play a bit rough. At least I hope she's playing with me and not really trying to remove my ears.

In addition to reading and chasing me, we've learned that Claire enjoys having her teeth brushed. At last count, she had about 10 teeth, but there are probably a few more that we can't see. Plus, I've learned that Claire has inherited her Momma's morning breath gene. Anyone who has ever used the term "dog breath" to describe someone in a derogatory manner clearly hasn't encountered Momma's morning breath. I fear if I say more that I'll be banished from the house or have my TV privileges revoked by Momma, so I'll move on. I'm just saying Claire has quite the smelly breath in the morning. I tried giving her a greenie (a dog treat that strengthens teeth and freshens breath), but she didn't like it. Whatever.

Well, since I had Stew put a plug about my other (new) blog in The Stewart Family Barker Christmas newsletter, I suppose I should actually create the other blog. I've been working on it for weeks, and by "working on it" I mean "wishing I had never said anything about it". Now I've got to get the thing up and running by the time people get the newsletter. I purposely side tracked Stew today so that the newsletter won't get mailed until tomorrow. I convinced him the Bravo channel was running a The Real Housewives of Orange County marathon today, so he was glued in front of the television until around 3pm when he finally realized it wasn't going to happen. So, now Momma's "disappointed" in Stew because our Christmas cards and newsletters probably won't arrive at their destinations until after Christmas. But, it's not the first time Stew's disappointed Momma... and it won't be the last. Smell ya later...

Please help my Uncle Kermit... he's sick.

My apologies for the lack of posting lately. I'm sure my four faithful bloggies are upset, and I don't blame you. Unfortunately, living with Stew these past couple years has rubbed off on me. Meaning, I'm now incapable of completing even the simplest project on schedule. Come to think of it, I've started watching The View more regularly. Yikes! I'm more like Stew than I thought. Anyway, I've been forced to help with our annual Christmas card and newsletter mailing. Instead of starting The Stewart Family Barker newsletter a few weeks ago, Stew decided to try completing it in one night. He was up until 4am Sunday night (Monday morning). Then, after we reviewed the newsletter together Monday afternoon, I ended up changing more than half of it. We spent part of today stuffing envelopes, so the first mailing should go out tomorrow. And we usually end up with more mailings later after realizing we forgot somebody on our list...

In the meantime, I'm still in shock. I'm sure you all heard about Britney Spears' little 16-year old sister being pregnant. If not, then forgive me for not realizing that you likely have a life and/or a job and don't spend every waking moment scouring the internet for salacious gossip. Unfortunately, the only thing shocking about this story is: 1) it didn't happen three years earlier and 2) it's not Britney who is pregnant again (yet). Anyway, I don't mean to ridicule our country's very own Redneck Royalty that is The Spears Family of my home state of Louisiana, but c'mon, Y'all... see if you can guess which person in this photo is the 16-year old girl. I rest my case. If Momma starts dressing like Claire when Claire becomes a teenager, then I'm calling in the fellas with the white coats and straight jackets.

Anyway, the real reason I'm in shock is due to the passing of a great American singer-songwriter, Dan Fogelberg, on Sunday. I'm a huge fan of his music (well, mainly the stuff from the 1970's), so it's sad to learn of his passing. Aunt Susan sent an email titled The day the music died with a link to this story. I knew if there were only one other Dan Fogelberg fan in the world, it would be Aunt Susan. But I know lots of people enjoyed his music.

Just for a moment I was back at school,
And felt that old familiar pain;
And as I turned to make my way back home,
The snow turned into rain...

Well, for the past several days, my Uncle Kermit has been emailing me blog ideas. For example, one day he emailed me a link to a website with the question "Can this go on the blog?" in the subject line of the email. I'm posting the link, but before you click on it, I need to warn you. IT IS NOT SAFE FOR GRANDMAS (NSFG)! It's something I've decided to call "Scroto-art" from some artist who seems to think male genitalia is art. You be the judge... if you dare. HERE it is.

And here's another picture he sent. No explanation... just this picture. I'm not sure what it is or from whence it came, but I am certain that I do not want to know the answer to either question. My theory is that these are two of Kermit's Quake pals he must've met online. For those who don't know, Quake is some sort of computer video game in which players take on the role of a soldier sent into a portal to stop an enemy. This brief description alone is enough to give you and idea about the type of person who would actually play this game. Say it with me: nerd.

And here's a video Uncle Kermit sent me that defies definition. I'm guessing this is what Kermit would do if he lived alone in a crappy apartment in Germany like this guy. It's just a guess, but I'm thinking I'm dead on.

And finally... here's a picture of Uncle Kermit taken at last year's RAGBRAI (the Register's Annual Great Bike Ride Across Iowa), a 7-day bike ride across Iowa. Lance Armstrong, multiple winner of the Tour de France, showed up at RAGBRAI. Being the competitor he is, Uncle Kermit took exception to being passed by Armstrong in the home stretch of the Mountain Stage of RAGBRAI (which takes place in the not-so-widely-known-about mountainous area of Central Iowa). You see, the winner of the Mountain Stage gets first dibs on Mr. Porkchop's offerings at the evening BBQ (http://www.mrporkchop.com). And Uncle Kermit is deadly serious about his grilled meats.

Photo courtesy of Peter Karl Photography

"Make a lasting impression with a little Peter - Peter Karl Photography."

'Tis the season...

...to dress your beloved pet in ridiculous Christmas garb for the sole purpose of humiliating the one and only true friend you probably have! As you know, Stew likes to build himself up by breaking others down. So, when Stew's not depriving me of delicious morsels of succulent chicken and rice flavored dog chow that's supposedly rich in protein, he's strapping a silly hat to my head or hanging a sign around my neck so he can add his photos to MY blog. By the way, whoever invented the phrase "tastes like chicken" clearly hasn't sampled the chicken & rice flavored slop I'm forced to choke down every day (or every other day... depending on if and when Stew decides to feed me). My meals taste more like dog butt and, trust me, I would know.

Anyway, it was PICTURE DAY at The Stewart house yesterday. Even my Auntie Karen -- and her long fingernails that are perfect for scratching me behind my ears -- participated in this nonsense. Momma and Stew apparently hired her as the photographer for this year's family photo. Her payment appeared to be a grocery bag full of stuff she left here after the Chicago cookie-baking trip. If I was her, I'd have asked for a gift certificate to Williams-Sonoma or something, but Karen seemed perfectly happy with a bag full of stuff she already owns. To each his (or her) own...

Well, while I was prepared for the humiliation I was certain would be an elf suit strapped on my back or a red blinking nose clamped to my snout, Claire did not seem to understand the magnitude of the occasion. You see, last year Claire simply had to sit in Momma's lap and look extremely cute (while Momma fails to support Claire's head appropriately). I, on the other paw, was required to sit still and look happy even though I had faux reindeer antlers duct taped to my head. Even MacGyver had sense NOT to use duct tape on a dog's melon. Then again, Stew's no MacGyver, but I digress. Please allow me to get back to informing you of the wonder that was PICTURE DAY at The Stewart house...

Our little angel, Claire, was dressed in her cute little Gingerbread man sweater and new (faux) fur boots. Unfortunately, someone should have weighted the boots down because Claire was not interesting in sitting still. Instead, she preferred to run back and forth in front of the camera while the rest of us sat and looked fabulous. And by "rest of us" I, of course, mean "Momma and me." So, I blame Claire for our not being able to get an appropriate picture for this year's family Christmas photo card. And, I also blame Claire for causing today to be... PICTURE DAY - PART 2 at The Stewart house. I swear I think Stew keeps a chest full of costumes hidden in the garage, and those of you on our Christmas mailing list will soon see the results ("soon" = sometime before February 1, 2008). If you're not already on our Christmas mailing list but would like to be, simply email me your contact info... and mail me $5 so I can buy myself some Milkbones for the holidays.

I leave you with the results of just a few of the photo sessions I've endured over the years...

You want a cookie?

Momma and Claire went to Chicago with Auntie Karen to bake cookies at Cousin Jane's house. What did I just say? This whole cookie baking thing is sort of a tradition... I think this was the third year for everyone (except Claire... this being her first), but what the heck do I know? Well, I know I'm frickin' awesome, but not much else. So, with the ladies gone for the weekend, that could only mean one thing: a chili dog eating marathon for Stew while I starve because he forgets to feed me for three straight days. Our local Costco sells Ball Park Franks in packs of 32, plus hoagie buns in 18-packs. The hoagie buns allow extra dog, chili, cheese and onions without compromising convenience (translation: the ingredients actually stay in the bun instead of spilling out all over your hands, Atari t-shirt, lap and/or floor). In addition to choking down chili dogs all weekend, Stew decided to invite a few friends over to play cards and drink some beer. However, Stew failed to remember he has no friends, unless you count the two he met playing an online Solitaire tournament last month (Sexy_Fat_Dad101 and RemingtonSteeleFan). So, we basically did nothing. Correction. I basically did nothing. Stew, on the other paw, decided to tackle the guest bedroom project. Of course, with nobody around to supervise (or should I say babysit), the logical thing for Stew to do is work on the electrical wiring first. Nothing like Momma returning home to find a pile of ash underneath a smoldering Atari t-shirt in the basement. For those saying "huh, what's with the Atari references?", allow me to explain... Stew seldom wears anything BUT his vintage Atari t-shirt. Therefore, the shirt is most likely fire retardant by now due to the amount of Stew juice embedded within it's fibers... gross, I know). Anyway, it took all weekend, but Stew finally managed to install some lighting and outlets in the guest bedroom without burning down our house OR electrocuting himself. He even managed to feed me my two square meals a day. Needless to say, we're all still in shock that the house is still standing.

Upon Momma and Claire's return home, I learned about Hobbs. A handsome Golden Retriever looking fella who belongs to cousin Jane and her family. Apparently, Claire took a liking to 'ole Hobbs. I wonder if she pet him like she does me (picture a burly carpenter smashing a hammer down upon the head of a nail... that's how Claire likes to show affection). Notice the beautiful rug under Claire and Hobbs... looks sorta like a hand-crafted rug. I wonder where YOU could get one... or two. I dunno, maybe here? Anyway, Grandma Stewart made Claire a little apron specifically for this occasion. However, Stew accidentally left the apron at Grandma Thullner's over Thanksgiving, so Claire only had the bottom portion of it for the cookie bake. Chalk it up to yet another disappointment Stew has given his mother. She's probably used to it by now, and we'll make up for it at Christmas with lots of pictures of Claire wearing her Christmas apron. Stew has a long history of disappointing women, but that's not important here. I simply wanted to get it on record before I move on to other things... like showing you a picture of the Cookie Baking Crew. Please note I believe some of the folks in the photo are actually members of the Margharita Testing Team... and some are members of both organizations. In fact, I believe Cousin Jane is Captain of both groups. Also take note that Claire is NOT the child licking the cookie. No, I think that's the one they call "Nash"... but I call him "Dennis the Menace" because of his relentless attacks on my tail during his visit last summer. Then again, he can't be all that bad because Nash and his brothers sent a bunch of toys home with Claire. She's especially fond of the ice cream truck she's holding in the photo. Unfortunately, she thinks the truck is actually an all terrain vehicle because she keeps trying to drive it on my head, my back, my paws... I think you get the picture.

Finally, have you noticed me writing about Grandma Helen's rugs lately? Have I ever mentioned her friend, Darlene, who also makes the rugs? I think Darlene was part of Stew's Margharita Testing Team a few summers back when the ladies came for a visit. They sold A LOT of their hand-crafted rugs at the local Hopkins Farmer's Market that trip. The "Homemade Bread Guy" couldn't attend the market, so there was a spot open for our rug sellers and they jumped on it. One particularly bitter regular vendor came over to politely (and by "politely" I mean "snarkily") tell Grandma, "you know, this market is only open to farmer's to sell things." To which Grandma proudly responded, "I am a farmer... now get out of my face!" Well, the first part is accurate, but I think Grandma should've handed the other lady her ass. Anyway, the rugs look cool, so buy some!

Speaking of potty training, here's a video Stew plans to start showing Claire soon...

Hell freezes over and Claire is not amused

You are not going to believe what I am about to write, but I assure you it is accurate and true: Stew put toddler-proof drawer locks on the nursery dresser. I repeat, Stew put toddler-proof drawer locks on the nursery dresser. Indeed, hell has frozen over. And if you're like me, you can't believe this task was actually completed before Claire is old enough to enter high school. And if you're like me, you're perpetually tan and always have a runny nose, but that's a whole other story. One problem with the locks is that they are apparently also Momma-proof, but I fear for my safety if I were to write about it further. And, the only other problem is that Claire is NOT amused by the locks. At approximately 2:25pm this afternoon, Claire let out what is now known as the scream heard 'round the house. This was the precise moment she discovered the drawers would not open more than just an inch or so. Upon hearing Claire's shriek, I immediately roused Stew from his nap on the couch so he could grab the camera and document the momentous occasion (I don't know why you can't click on this particular photo strip to enlarge it, so go get a magnifying glass to look at the individual shots):Claire eventually lost the will to go on any further and simply rolled over on the big, red rug in her room. To encourage Claire, I started toward her to nudge her back on her feet, but Stew -- most likely still angry from being awakened from his nap after a lunch of four chili dogs and a 6-pack of Budweiser -- yelled, "get back, Bogey!" because I am not to enter the sanctuary known as the nursery. So, I could only sit by and watch Claire flail away on the floor as Stew shot photos while telling her to "work it, baby... work it!" Then, he told her to "suck it up" and taunted her with a rhetorical "is this how you're going to react whenever you're faced with a challenge?" But in a total Jekyll & Hyde moment, Stew became calm, knelt down, gently lifted Claire off the floor, and started hugging and rocking her while whispering softly in her ear, "shhhhh... it's okay, Claire... it's okay."

Portions of the last paragraph are true while some are false... I'll leave it to you to believe what you wish.