Too cool for skool

Claire had her first day of school yesterday, but she was not amused. In fact, she was downright defiant about going, claiming that she's "too cool for school!" Stew drove Claire to class anyway since she can't yet reach the gas and brake pedals while steering the vehicle. Before Claire left the house, I attached a recorder to her shirt for the purpose of documenting the 90 minutes of classroom activities. For anyone who has ever heard Stew tell a story, I'm sure you understand why I did not rely on him to report back to me. For the rest of you, all you need to know is that if you were to listen to one of Stew's stories, you'd eventually want to jab something sharp into your ear(s). He has a problem in that he thinks you need to know EVERY detail of the event (i.e., which door they used to enter the school building, what color the bathroom tiles are, the approximate cup size of the instructor, etc...). Let this be a word of warning to all of you in the event you ever get the urge to ask Stew, "Hey, tell me about your high school basketball playing days."

Anyway, Claire was the first kid to make it to class (15 minutes early). Technically, some other stay-at-home dad showed up in the classroom with his two kids, but he was in the wrong room. Plus, Stew held the door for the guy since he had his hands full, so technically we win! Upon arrival, Claire and Stew went to the corner of the room were the toys are located. Claire picked up a fake telephone in one hand, and a little square block in the other. She would not relinquish either item until much later. Then some other kid showed up with his mom and came over by the toys. Claire would have none of this and walked over to stand next to the mom (who was seated on the floor). Then the stare down started, and the little boy eventually ran over and grasped his mom with a "this little girl is insane" look on his face. So, Stew picked up Claire and took her to the plastic playhouse in which she could stand and play peek-a-boo through its two open windows (the house looks a lot like the picture to the right). After all the kids finally arrived, everyone sat in a circle to sing songs. First, they sang the welcome song to each child. I wrote about them before. Claire's welcome song goes like this:

HEL-lo, Claire!
HEL-lo, Claire!
HEL-lo, Claire!
We're so glad you're here!
[clap your hands]

After the welcome song, they broke into songs about snowmen. You might recall from my previous post that last week the teacher taught a song about snowmen that are "fat" (picture me making a circle with my forelegs in front of my belly as I say the word "fat"). It is my hope that this song will soon be stricken from the face of the earth, just like all snowmen will be come springtime. Luckily, this song was not part of yesterday's curriculum. Instead, they sang about a lone snowman who dared jump onto a sled. Unfortunately, due to the sled's wet surface, the snowman slipped off the sled and bonked his head. Not knowing if he had a concussion or any other internal injuries, the snowman didn't know what to do. So, he decided to phone the leader of all snowmen, Frosty (sort of like a human praying to god, I guess). The snowman explained to Frosty what had just occurred, to which Frosty replied, "If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times - NO LITTLE SNOWMEN JUMPING ON A SLED, Dipshit!"

After the snowman song, they sang "If you're happy and you know it..." Apparently, Claire did not know if she was happy because she never clapped her hands, nor did she stomp her feet or beep her nose as instructed by each respective verse of the song.

Then, after the songs, the kids got to play with the teacher's aides while the grown-ups (Stew and a bunch of moms) sat in a circle on the floor to get to know each other and share a little about themselves. I have no clue what the teacher looks like, but I picture her as a smoking hot poodle (I've got a thing for hairy French babes, so sue me). Apparently, when it came time for Stew to tell the group a little about himself, he was so nervous that he couldn't stop talking. At one point, the teacher looked at him while shaking her head and said, "Wow... you sure can talk, but we are limited on time and really need to get around to the others in the sharing circle." So, Stew kept his trap shut the rest of the time, and Claire eventually showed up in the circle carrying a big plastic spoon and a plate that she proudly presented to her Papa Stew.

Finally, before everyone left for the day, the children enjoyed snacks at a big table in another corner of the classroom. Each kid received a little paper cup full of Cheerios and other similar snacks. Once she got about halfway through her cup, Claire decided to pour her goodies onto the floor, thereby officially ending her snack time. So, Stew and her put on their coats and returned home. All in all, Claire seemed to have a good time, although you really can't tell based on these photos of her taken after she arrived back at our doghouse. But, I'm sure I'll have more to report to you after next week's class...

Curious Stew and the Hypnotist

So, Momma's work held its annual holiday/Christmas party last Saturday night. I hear there were about 500 people and one hypnotist in attendance. I also heard a rumor there was an open bar. And for those of you who might be unfamiliar with the term "open bar", let's just say it spells t-r-o-u-b-l-e for Stew. Momma works for a laboratory, so I drew a sketch of what I think a bunch of lab techs and scientists look like sitting at a bar (no offense, Aunt Dee-Florida). Fortunately for Momma, the open bar (free drinks) ended at 7pm. The two arrived at 6:50pm and had to stand in line for about 20 minutes, but the barkeep still gave them their first drinks for free. And while Stew was walking past the coat check enroute to his table, he noticed a few youngsters (20-something aged guys and gals) getting their coats to leave. One of them said, "the open bar is closed, so why stick around?" Stew immediately saw the logic in this statement and REALLY wanted to leave with them, but he decided to stick with Momma and continued toward his seat. And since Momma rarely carries cash, and Stew is nearly cashless these days, the prospect of him making a huge ass out of himself was low... yet not out of the realm of possibility. Remember, where there's a will, there's a way...

Momma and Stew shared a table with some of Momma's work friends. Plus, the hypnotist hired to perform after dinner was seated next to Stew. Yikes! Apparently it only took him two drinks before he asked her, "So, are you going to make people hump chairs tonight?" [see the not-safe-for-grandmas video at the bottom of this entry] She replied that she would not be doing so and that humping chairs is an act reserved for college campus crowds. And when he wasn't asking the hypnotist stew-pid questions, Stew was making creepy small talk with the 24-year old single girl seated across from Momma at the table. You know how old guys who don't know they're old will try (unsuccessfully) acting young and hip? Well, that was Stew, and the young lady eventually made her way away from the table after dinner never to return. So, Stew turned his attention to the other husbands at the table who were complaining about long cross-country business trips and demanding bosses. Stew just sat there quietly before joining the conversation with, "last week our daughter, Claire, made a poop so messy that it spilled out of her diaper and went all the way up her back." There was a brief awkward silence. Then, luckily, the lights were dimmed and the hypnotist started her act.

Anyway, it was a good night, and Momma claims Stew didn't do anything too embarrassing. And, Claire got to have a slumber party at Aunt Karen's house, while I was on security patrol all evening until Momma and Stew got home.

Speaking of Claire, here's a picture of her and her new book - a book she (or Stew) picked out when they attended the Early Childhood Family Education class last week.
And here's the hypnotist video (Newman sent it to me... thanks, Newman, I think):

Jonesing for some KG

Claire misses her some KG! That's Kevin Garnett for you sports-challenged folk. We in Minneapolis know KG as the 6' 11" kid drafted right out of high school to become - at that time - the youngest NBA rookie of all-time (and the first high schooler drafted into the NBA in more than 20 years). KG was going to save a lowly Timberwolves team, which had never managed to scrape together more than 29 games in any of its first six seasons in the league. During his 12 seasons in Minnesota (1995-2007), KG won more than his share of awards, including the 2004 NBA MVP Award, and also garnered nicknames like, "The Kid", "The Big Ticket", and most recently, "The Franchise".

But the Wolves traded KG away to the Boston Celtics before the 2007-2008 season began. How's that trade working out, you ask? Well, KG continues to dominate the league (see the photo at left of him climbing up the backboard after slamming home a dunk on Toronto's Chris Bosh), the Boston Celtics have a record of 33 wins and 6 losses so far this season (and are arguably the best team in the league), while the Wolves hold the league's worst record at just 6 wins and 34 losses. Instead of trading away great players (like all Minnesota sports teams seem to do), I wish we could get rid of some of these owners and General Managers. But, what's a dog to do?

Anyway, Claire was running around the house today wearing Stew's Timberwolves stocking cap while babbling the words, "Why, KG, why?!?!"

Got Dignity?

Has anyone seen Stew's dignity? It's around here somewhere, but we haven't seen it in a few days. The last time it made an appearance was last Friday evening when Stew was beaming with pride for having swept and scrubbed the floor behind the refrigerator earlier that afternoon. Apparently there was some sort of gremlin living back there, and Momma was so proud of Stew for having taken the initiative to move the fridge. She was excited to learn the appliance actually has wheels that allow you to move it out from under and beside the cupboards. Who knew?

Then on Saturday, things took a turn for the worse. Do you remember the guest bedroom Stew's been remodeling for the past two, three, four, or is it five years? Well, he's now been hanging drywall in a walk-in closet. Once the closet is finished, Stew will be able to move on to tackling a slew of much smaller projects. He still plans on painting some walls, installing window and door trim, putting a lock on the bathroom door, and - anticipating he'll eventually be moving into the guest bedroom - fitting the room with a flat screen TV that drops down out of the ceiling when you press a button (the button next to the Momma-brings-Stew-a-sandwich button). The photo at left is what Stew and Momma envision the closet will look like upon completion. Stew and Claire head to Home Depot everyday looking for the blonde chick, but he has yet to figure out which aisle she's sold in... and, of course, he can't ask any Home Depot employees for assistance. Doing so would be a sign of weakness.

Anyway, since Stew's SUV isn't large enough to carry a standard 4' x 8' sheet of drywall, he had to rent a truck from Home Depot to haul drywall and lumber to the house when he was in full swing of the project. However, now that he's toward the end of the major construction phase of the work, he's been using smaller leftover drywall scraps to piece together the walls and ceiling of the closet. So, needless to say, there are A LOT of seams to be covered in the closet, and Stew is not happy about this. He's been begging Momma for permission to cover the drywall with vintage posters from the 1970's and 80's. But, it appears she really has her heart set on a painted ceiling and walls, so Stew will have to mud and tape the drywall seams. He is not excited about this as he fears it will look like crap, and he's probably right. Oh well.

So, after he hung his final piece of drywall, Stew stepped back to admire his work while, at the same time, dreading the mudding and taping work ahead of him. Then, to his horror, he realized something that would drain him of all self pride and respect. On one side of the closet is a cutout and junction box for some track lighting. The ceiling is too low for a light, plus there are furnace ducts running above the ceiling, so track lighting was the only solution. Stew did the electrical work himself, so it remains to be seen if it will actually work. We think it will, but that's not the issue. The issue is that Stew somehow forgot to install a light switch for the lighting, and the closet is going to need lighting. Darkness attracts evil spirits and beings (see photo at right). So, Stew will have to remove several of the small, leftover pieces of drywall in order to run wiring and install a light switch. Luckily, he figured this out before actually mudding, taping, sanding and painting the wall. Regardless, chalk this up to yet another home improvement project gone astray.

Tomorrow, I'll tell you all about Momma's work's Christmas party that was held this past weekend. But first, I'll give you a three word teaser: "open", "bar" and "Stew". 'Nuff said.

Head of the class

Stew took Claire to school today to see what she thinks of the Early Childhood Family Education class being offered through our local school district. Don't tell Momma, but they almost didn't make it to the sample class because Stew was thinking it started at 11:30am instead of 10:30am. They scrambled to get ready on time and, surprisingly, Stew showered! Luckily, it turns out the school's only about a five minute car ride, so they were actually early. And if any of you are wondering about the photo at left, it's Arvid Engen from the late-1980's TV show, Head of the Class... which also starred Howard "Johnny Fever" Hesseman.

Upon arrival at the school, Stew and Claire found an instructor, two tiny infants, four toddlers, one (insane) preschooler, and six members of The Hot Mom Club (see photo at right). Since Claire is between 15-16 months old, she's still considered an infant in terms of program curriculum. For the first 15 minutes, it was play time. And play time for Claire when other children are around consists of her standing in one place and having a 2-minute stare-down with each of the other kids. She eventually wandered to a table where there were a couple play (mobile) telephones, so she picked up one of them and carried it around until it was time to take a tour of the facility.

The tour lasted all of five minutes since they only had an infant room, a toddler room, a preschooler room and a sibling care room to show the parents and children. Then it was back to the main classroom for circle time (similar to a reading circle). Circle time today consisted of placing carpet mats on the floor in the form of a circle. All the moms and Stew sat on the mats with their respective kids. The infants just hungout in their strollers. Slackers! Apparently, Claire was not in the mood to sit, but she didn't fuss too much. Then the instructor went around the circle and taught the group how to sing a song for each child. Claire's song went like this:

Hello, Claire!
Hello, Claire!
Hello, Claire!
We're so glad you're here!
(clap, clap, clap, clap...)

Unfortunately, Claire didn't clap at the clapping part (not for herself or any other child), but neither did any of the older kids. Since Stew viewed this as a form of competition, he chalked it up to a tie. Nice job, Claire! Then the instructor taught the group a song about snowmen that made Stew feel very uncomfortable. You be the judge. The song goes like this:

Start by holding up five fingers then begin singing,
Five little snowmen fat (your arms make a circle in front of your belly),
Each had a funny hat (touch your head),
Out came the sun and melted one (take down one of your five fingers),
What a sad thing that was (make a sad face),
Down, down, down, down (move both hands down toward the floor),
Four little snowmen fat... (the song repeats until there are no snowmen left)

After Stew heard the first line of the song, he started envisioning pushing Claire in a cart through the grocery store. They turn down the snack aisle and encounter a slightly overweight person browsing the Cheetos shelf. In Stew's vision, Claire points at the person, then puts her arms out in a circle in front of her and starts yelling, "Fat! Fat! Fat!" And then there's the rest of the song that goes on to tell the story of dying snowmen. Apparently it's never too early to teach a child about death and misery... not to mention judging people (and snowmen) by their physical features instead of the content of their character.
But despite the uncomfortable song, everything else seemed to be real positive. Stew signed Claire up for a morning class (he will also attend). Luckily, the preschooler will not be in her class. Apparently the kid was actually quite normal, aside from him constantly climbing up on bookshelves in order to reach push toys that were hanging on the wall. His favorite push toy seemed to be this mobile bubble with balls that bounce inside the bubble when you push the toy. Stew was visiting with an instructor when he noticed the preschooler repeatedly pushing this toy into Claire's feet. But like the pro she is, Claire simply stood her ground. She'd look down at the toy that was bumping her feet, then she'd look up at the little boy with a "What the heck do you think you're doing, Dipshit? I don't think you know who you're messing with" look on her face. Eventually, the boy's mother saw what was going on and came over and grabbed her kid while Claire continued her search for another stare-down competition.

And before Stew and Claire left for home, the instructor made it a point to tell Stew that there are other stay-at-home dads enrolled in the program. This seemed to comfort Stew a bit because he was feeling a bit nervous about members of The Hot Mom Club constantly fighting over who gets to sit next to him during circle time. He remembers how uncomfortable he felt in college always having coeds hitting on him. At least now there will be other guys around to give the hot moms attention.

Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite?

Do you remember my other blog? You know, the one I wrote about last October. The one I said would be up and running in November (but it wasn't). The one I wrote about (again) in The Stewart Family Barker Christmas newsletter because I expected the blog to be ready for viewing by Christmas week (which is wasn't). Well... I'm announcing today the RE-LAUNCH of Wag the Dog. It took longer than expected to hire a team of journalistic hounds, but I've got a full crew assembled, and I wrote my first editorial last night. Since we're in the thick of the presidential primaries, the editorial is about our endorsement for the Presidential Ticket. But don't worry, the blog won't be all politics all the time. I promise. In the meantime, click on the picture above to read my new blog (or click on its title in MY LINKS section over on the right side of this page).

In other news... here's a picture of Claire and me after Stew announced this morning that "we're going to school tomorrow!"

The frightened look on my face is not an exaggeration. I do NOT want to go to school as I feel I do not require any further education. I am a good dog and very obedient. Notice the dumbfounded look on Claire's face, as if she's thinking "Watcha talkin' 'bout, Papa? I don't need no stinkin' schoolin'!" Luckily for me, I soon learned that I am not invited to attend classes via the Robbinsdale Area Schools Early Childhood Family Education Program. Tomorrow's class is a "sample class" so Claire and Stew can decide if they want to enroll in the 13-week program. I will likely retire to the master bedroom and sleep on my doggie bed for a couple hours while they're away. Here's a picture of Claire with her book bag and her probably thinking, "what I am supposed to do with this thing?"

Anyway, Momma and Stew think Claire could use some socialization with other toddlers her age. For some reason, they don't think having Claire couped up in the house all day with me is the best thing for her. But I disagree. I've been teaching Claire important life skills over the last 15 months. Such as, how to bury your bones and hide your chew toys (Claire now is quite adept at hiding her toys in the office filing cabinet... inside the antique umbrella stand in the living room... and in a variety of kitchen cupboards). I've taught her how to drink from a dog dish, and how to talk like a dog (she says "Arf! Arf! Arf!" over and over again, although it sounds exactly like a blaring car alarm). This spring, I plan to teach Claire how to track, capture and eradicate Al Qaeda-recruited extremist squirrels. I see them all over the backyard, and I think they're sneaking into the garage and holding training meetings. But they have no idea that I'm planning my own surge with an army of well-trained toddlers. I've seen how surges clearly work (based on reports I watch on Fox News), so I'm excited to put my plan in motion. Stew asked if I have a Plan B in the event the surge doesn't go as well as planned, and I just shrugged him off. I don't plan for defeat or surrender, my friends.

Anyway, I hope to have a report on Claire's first day of school sometime tomorrow. Stay tuned...

I call this meeting to order... Part 2

I fear the content of my previous post could possibly have been misinterpreted, so I feel it's imperative that I clear up a few points. First, one could construe from the last posting that Stew is a weak, little willy-nilly. Unfortunately, this would be a correct understanding of the post's intent. However, one might also think the post depicts Momma as a mean-spirited authoritarian who only accepts that things go her way or it's the highway! But this is NOT the case. Perhaps including the picture of Darth Vader was an exercise in poor judgement on my part (not my own Photoshop work... just a graphic I Googled)? To my knowledge, no riding crop was used on Stew to engage him in conversation. No, a simple look of disappointment on Momma's face is incentive enough (even though you'd think Stew'd be used to that look by now). Anyway, Momma is very loving and caring, but she's also an extremely skillful, capable and accomplished professional. One could even call her a crackerjack. And I submit she belongs on the cover of a magazine... even if it's a Houston-area periodical. Does this magazine cover remind anyone else of Designing Women? I hate that show (I find re-runs on the Lifetime Channel from time to time).

So, part of our Family Gameplan has already been put into motion. And, sorry, Grandmas... but it's not the part about increasing the number of Stewart children. Besides, that's a private matter, and I promised Momma I would not write anything about the goings-on inside the master bedroom (it would bore y'all to tears anyway). Also, in response to my pal, Scott (a.k.a. SexyTryingToLoseWeightDad101), Stew has no plans to become a male ecdysiast. Although, while attending college, he was approached by some coeds to do just so at a surprise birthday party for one of their girlfriend's (but you need to know they meant it to be a joke... but I don't think Stew saw it that way). But thanks for giving Stew the idea. Seriously. Since he's been researching income-generating ideas, he's excited about this idea. And now we think he'll probably end up looking like this guy in a few years (sans the moustache - or "MOLESTache" - since Stew is incapable of producing one). Incidentally, I think this is a picture of Schneider (from another horrible TV show, One Day at a Time).

Anyway, in an effort to eat healthier and exercise everyday, Momma has proposed (and enacted) that she and Stew initiate the Body for Life Program. It's a 12-week program of exercise and meals (the meal part's called Eating for Life) designed to transform your body. Stew's suggestion that they "continue eating Cheetos and Chili Corn Chips and see what happens" was vetoed by Momma. So, I think Momma's suggesting that the two of them take a photo together (wearing nothing but their swimsuits), and then take another photo in 12 weeks. Does the thought of seeing Stew in a Speedo cause anyone else out there to throw up in your mouth... even just a little? You can (sort of) see the people on the cover of the book that have done just so. If not, here's another photo of a female who participated in the program. I don't know who she is and, frankly, I don't care. I'm just grateful for Google Images! And, after looking at this photo, I'm confident a few of my male readers are, as well.

So, Stew was back on the treadmill in the basement this morning. He turned the TV to Live with Regis & Kelly because he has a secret crush on Kelly Ripa. Don't worry. I haven't disclosed anything Momma doesn't already know. She also knows about his crushes on Jennifer Love Hewitt and Carrie Underwood, and he knows about her affinity for Harrison Ford and Bruce Willis. Apparently Momma has some sort of old man fetish. Who knew?

Anyway, Stew set the TV to the Ripa show, turned up the volume and crawled onto the treadmill. Within a few minutes, I could hear him mumbling with each step, "this sucks... this sucks... this sucks." At first, I thought it was some sort of method of helping him set a pace. But, after just a few minutes, Stew stepped off the treadmill, grabbed Claire (who was playing with her new over-sized Leggos -- thanks cousin Jane & family), and headed upstairs. A few minutes later, I mosied upstairs to see what was going on, and I found Stew dressing Claire in her coat and hat before heading out the door saying to her, "let's go get Papa a Starbuck's!" Needless to say, I don't think Stew's off to a good start on his program. So, after they returned home, I addressed this with Stew. But he assures me he will succeed, telling me "I have my own gameplan." Then he took me downstairs to the guest bedroom, where he had a bunch of (what appeared to be) goals taped to the wall. Then he disappeared to the guest bathroom. When he reappeared, he had a fake beard glued to his face, and he was wearing some nerdy looking glasses. Then he sprang into a karate chop pose and yelled, "I am invincible!" Luckily, I had my camera and snapped a shot of it. Good luck, Stew...

I call this meeting to order!

We had a family meeting the other night, complete with a flip chart and markers. I've been living here more than two years, and I don't recall us ever having a family meeting before. Judging by the look on Stew's face and the trembling in his voice when he spoke, I don't think he was expecting the meeting. I think he was having flashbacks to when he sold high-quality furniture at a modest price. When he was in sales, Stew had lots of office meetings... which usually resulted in Stew leaving his office afterwards, driving to the nearest city park, pulling his vehicle into the parking lot, and sobbing uncontrollably for about 90 minutes. So, Stew's natural reaction whenever he's in a meeting is to simply shake his head in agreement and avoid saying anything. Unfortunately for him, Momma was running this meeting (see the Darth Vader picture), so his repeatedly shaking his head up and down while saying "sounds good to me" was not acceptable.

The agenda of the meeting was simple: to create a family plan. More specifically, to set goals relating to family (i.e., how many Stewart kids to "shoot" for), health (i.e., how to get Stew off the couch and onto the treadmill), home (i.e., when will we move out of our current love shack), careers (i.e., what will Stew be when he grows up) and finances (i.e., where can Stew find another resource to pay for his daily Starbuck's Venti Iced-Mocha now that he's burned through all his Christmas money from Grandma Helen). And just to be clear: the photo at left is a pregnant Britney Spears slurping down a Starbuck's frappuccino. It is NOT a picture of Stew, although it would be difficult to tell if he were to actually wear Britney's lovely outfit. They'd practically be twins.

Active participation in this meeting was mandatory, and Momma's business executive skills shown brightly. Dale Carnegie once said, "The expression a woman wears on her face is far more important than the clothes she wears on her back." This is all Stew could think about as he sat there trying to think of words that would please his beautiful bride and mother of his child. At one point, Stew blurted out, "You ain't got to be so bad, got to be so cold... this dog-eat-dog existence sure is gettin' old... got to have a Jones for this, a Jones for that... this runnin' with the Jones's, boy, just ain't where it's at... you gonna come back around to the sad sad truth... the dirty lowdown." With a disgusted look on her face, Momma says to him, "stop quoting Boz Scaggs songs and get serious... I want your input!"

"But I'm easily distracted by other things in the world around me," Stew replies in a plea of mercy. "I have a tough time sticking to goals... I'm more of a freelance artist. I'm like the wind."

To make a long story short (because a The Sopranos rerun is about to start on the A&E Network in 15 minutes), the two developed a family plan. And, I suspect it's only a matter of days before Momma has an Excel spreadsheet complete with bar graphs and pie charts created in order to track progress. One goal Momma and Stew set is to read more books aimed at improving their parenting skills while spending more time teaching Claire stuff. So, since I don't want to see Stew get into anymore trouble, I ran out and got him a Dr. Seuss book he can use to teach Claire NOT to mess with Momma (thanks to Aunt Michelle in Fargo for the book tip).

Speaking of books, here's a picture of Claire being read to by her best buddy, Naiya, at the cabin over the New Year's weekend.

I'm depressed

Please forgive me, but I'm a little depressed. No, not because Hillary Clinton was just projected by NPR to be the winner of the New Hampshire Democratic Primary (although her still having a realistic shot at the nomination is a good reason to jump off a cliff). [For you Fox News junkies, NPR is an acronym for National Public Radio... a legitimate news source where educated and insightful folk get their news.] No, I'm depressed because I just spent a fabulous three days over the New Year's weekend with my dog pals - Berkley & Ole Erickson (aka The Erickson Boyz), and Theo & Tucker (the Fargo wiener dogs). You can view pictures of our New Year's weekend here in case you missed them in yesterday's post. Then, just as I was about to go into a deep depression after New Years 'cause I missed the boys, I found out I'd be staying with my good buddy, Remmy, for a few days. I don't get to see Remmy as much as I'd like, so I was thrilled to find Remmy at the end of a very long and anxious ride from Robbinsdale to Rosemount. I don't like car rides, so I pant the whole time and drip druel all over Stew's backseat. He loves it. Anyway, Remmy and I had a blast for two straight days. We wrestled... we played tug-of-war... we took naps (LOTS of naps)... we ate two square meals a day... and I even got to sleep on Aunt Dee's bed! Aunt Dee also handles the affairs of Sammy the Cat. As you might have guessed, I'm not a huge fan of cats. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why a human would want such an arrogant, selfish creature living in their home. Regardless, I trust Aunt Dee's judgement. So, even while I played and napped, I kept one eye open in the event Sammy the Cat should decide to attack. I watch the Discovery Channel, so I know how sneaky cats are. That said, my guard dog instincts kicked in from time to time, and I kept a close eye on the downstairs quarters where Sammy the Cat is known to reside. And despite the presence of a feline nemesis, it doesn't get any better than getting away for a few days. But, now I'm home. Home - where I'm lucky if I even get a meal. Home - where I'm not allowed on the furniture (even though I used to sleep on Momma and Stew's bed when I was a puppy). Home - where the little human we call "Claire" tugs on my ears, my tail and my back hair. Otherwise, she's trying to grab my nose or pluck out my eyeballs. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love Claire! But, sometimes a fella needs time to be alone when he's got the blues.

Speaking of Claire, here's our little angel showing us her best Annie Oakley impersonation at Christmas (she's carrying Grandpa Bob's new fireplace starter). And don't get all crazed about a toddler playing with a gun. I mean, c'mon... it's not even loaded!

Blue, you're my boy!

Happy New Year... again! Since my handlers headed out-of-town unexpectedly shortly after New Year's Day, I spent a few days with my Aunt Dee (Rosemount) and her black lab, Remmy. Remmy, you're my boy! (for you fans of the movie Old School). Rumor has it that I was a good dog during my stay in Rosemount, but that's just how I roll. Anyway, now that I'm back home and have access to a computer, I need to update y'all on our New Year's weekend at the Ten Mile Lake Resort... where men wear sarongs and women wear looks of disgust (because they just don't understand the feeling of liberation that comes with wearing a "man dress"). I warn you this posting is fairly long and not my best work 'cause my new favorite TV show, Paranormal State, comes on in 45 minutes, so I don't have time to edit. Sorry.

The crazy folk Momma and Stew hang out with over New Year's (not to mention numerous other times thoughout the year) refer to themselves as NARMY - an acronym for Not A Role Model...Yet. The group formed in pre-Claire and pre-puppy times, thus the clever name. The photo shown is the NARMY group sans Uncle Russell, who made other plans this year... so the humanoids had to settle for store-bought Irish Cream instead of devouring Russerio's homemade elixir. Anyway, look at the picture and see if you can guess who did NOT shower prior to the photo shoot. Here's a hint: I'm looking right at him in the photo... and he is NOT the one holding his wiener (dog).

In addition to going shower-free for several days, group members occupied their time by participating in numerous mini-tournaments (complete with prizes no less). Okay. Okay. I have to come clean. Most everybody showered daily. Most everybody. I'm not saying who didn't because they know who they are... and so did the rest of us. Peeew! Anyway, there was a Bingo tournament (see the photo of Momma with her number markers organized by color and lined up in perfect little columns positioned just above her playing card... who does that?). There was also a Texas hold 'em tournament (won by Peter Karl... who, it is my belief, was channeling Chris "Jesus" Ferguson, a World Champion poker player pictured at left). Both are gentleman gamblers who happen to look eerily alike... in a good way? There was also a Hearts tournament, which was won by a giggly Uncle Kermit. We know he wasn't smoking any "fun stuff", yet he had a permanent smile plastered on his face throughout the game. And despite Aunt Veronica and Stew forming a secret coalition dedicated to destroying him, Uncle Kermit proved unbeatable (with a score of "0" no less, which is an incredibly unlikely score for a drunk guy to attain). Unfortunately, due to a lack of time, there was no Mini-shuffleboard Tournament. Uncle Peter is the reigning champion, so he brought the Mini-Shuffleboard traveling trophy (as is required by NARMY bylaws). Alas, Stew will have to wait another six to 12 months to win the title... and the trophy. A trophy he's had his sights set on ever since designing the damn thing several years ago. There's also a Skittles traveling trophy, but Aunt Veronica "forgot" to bring it so no Skittles Tournament was held this year either. As retribution for not bringing her traveling trophy - as required by NARMY bylaws - Aunt Veronica is officially on notice.

Speaking of Aunt Veronica, here she is holding a little wiener named "Tucker"... two individuals with LOTS of spunk!

In addition to the Bingo and card tournaments, there was snow shoeing, ice fishing, Backgammon, Chess and puzzling. That's right, puzzling - the act of putting together a puzzle. You see, two of the NARMY-ites formed their own mini-group and call themselves "The Puzzlers", but everyone else simply refers to Momma and Uncle Pete as "The Nerds". Each New Year's weekend, they put together a 1,000 piece puzzle while the "cool kids" party and raise all sorts of hell (translation: lie around on the couches and recliners while watching DVD's and nursing their beers or hot chocolates). And when all the crazy puzzling is done, it's nap time. Apparently, puzzling really takes a lot out of a person. I wouldn't know because I'm part of the "cool kids" crowd and was outside hunting squirrel and rabbit during the puzzling shenanigans. But I never miss a chance to be part of a photo with Momma and Claire. You can view ALL the pictures from our New Year's weekend by going here. There are lots of cute pictures of Claire and Naiya (Karl), not to mention scary ones of Uncles Matt and Peter... and there's even a picture of something called a Clitorisaurus Rex!

Last but not least, I need to tell you about the food and drink. Everyone is assigned two meals, and Stew likes at least one of his meals to have a theme. For example, two years ago his New Year's Eve dinner theme was Mardi Gras (in honor of my having been born in New Orleans). He cooked some Emeril Lagasse Cajun dishes and served Hurricanes (really strong rum drinks), and he passed out before midnight. This year, Stew and Momma's dinner theme was A Taste of Vermont to showcase their trip to Vermont last October, so everything they served was drenched in maple syrup. Seriously. Everything. Baby back ribs, sweet potatoes, you name it... and most everyone seemed to like the food. Especially Uncle Kermit. We found him wandering around the kitchen at 2AM each morning in a maple-covered-ribs-munchy-trance. He'd poke his head in the fridge a few times before finally asking Stew, "where'd you hide that syrup meat?" Maybe he WAS smoking something and just didn't share. Who knows? Additionally, Momma and Stew brought some South Dakota wine they got from Momma's Aunt Lois last year. The 2006 Valient grapes were grown on Momma's Uncle Chuck's vineyard in Utica, SD (the valient is a hearty grape ideal for SD temperatures... or so I'm told). Then, Aunt Lois and cousin Jenny (from Sioux Falls) helped harvest the grapes and bring 'em back to Sioux Falls where Aunt Lois or Uncle Gaylen (I'm not sure who) transformed the grapes into wine in their winery (winery = garage or basement or kitchen or... bathtub?). The end result was fabulous, and everyone raved about it... then the raves turned into anger when everyone discovered we only had one bottle to share. Stew was banished from the cabin in subzero temperatures and was only allowed back inside after vowing to bring a whole lot more of the wine for next year's event.