Deadlines are for suckers!

Well, Momma and Stew were supposed to put our house on the market last Thursday... but Momma called the realtor to delay things until tomorrow (Tuesday). Well, after reviewing the "progress" made this weekend, Momma is calling the realtor again today to tell her we'll be ready on Monday, April 7th. Stew and deadlines don't mix. I can't recall a time when he's actually made good on any Momma-imposed-deadlines... unless you count the times (in the old days) when Momma and Stew would have plans to meet friends out for drinks. Momma would tell Stew to be ready to go by 6:00pm, which meant Stew would be ready by 4:30pm and sitting in the basement drinking beers and getting an early start on the night. Anyway, we could probably have the house ready sooner, but Momma has Georgia on her mind (my cute way of saying Momma is flying to Georgia for work on Wednesday and won't be back until Friday night).

One thing Stew managed to do within a reasonable timeframe is order a storage container and have it dropped off in our driveway this morning. We plan to put all the junk from the basement (junk = Momma's "stuff" from college and her pre-Stew years), plus a couple pieces of furniture in the container so we can "stage" the house. The container carries a monthly rental charge, and some dude will be back next Monday to pick it up and take it to the storage container lot. Then, after we put the house on the market, we cross our paws and hope the house sells very fast so as to avoid multiple monthly storage charges from the container company. I'm also interested in seeing how Stew and Momma manage to move the 250 lbs treadmill from the basement, up the stairs and out to the container. I don't have high hopes for a successful outcome.

In the meantime, here's a picture of Claire hugging her Easter chick from Grandma Judy. Maybe one of the grandmas will buy Claire a comb one of these days... Anyway, more Easter photos and house project "progress" updates to follow sooon.

Claire Gone Wild!

Claire is on Spring Break this week, so no classes yesterday! The only problem is that Claire can't decide on where to spend her break. She's narrowed it down to: 1) Cabo San Lucas, Mexico (and doing tequila shots with Sammy Hagar at his Cabo Wabo Cantina, where land ends and the party begins), or 2) visiting Who-ville with Horton the Elephant to help build Habitat for Humanity homes for the Whos (and dine on green eggs and ham). While she's learned much about charitable giving from Momma, Claire also has a party gene she inherited from Stew. So, I'm thinking she's going to opt for Cabo and partying with The Red Rocker (that's Sammy Hagar for you older folks OR youngsters under 35 yrs of age). The downside is that Claire has developed a penchant for disrobing at parties. It's something we are growing increasingly concerned about, but we're hoping it's just a phase. Regardless, here are a couple of pictures of Claire visiting with The Mueller Boyz of SoDak two weekends ago. It only took her about 10 oz of milk before she lost all inhibitions and decided to free herself of her sweater. And this isn't the only time our little darling has been caught on tape showing her business to the world. Not a day goes by that Claire doesn't at least attempt to take off her shirt. In fact, Stew's so concerned by it that he now only dresses her in onesies or body shirts (garments that snap in the crotch area so the child cannot remove said article of clothing). And bathtime doesn't happen until Claire first runs a few laps around the upstairs in either a diaper or her birthday suit... and Momma encourages Claire by chasing her, which only makes me go crazy and bark at them both. I don't know why that is... I guess I just don't like them using my castle as their personal racetrack.

Anyway, I have to go help Stew cut door trim and wall moulding downstairs, so I leave you with a couple more shots of our little exhibitionist princess (from about 5 months ago... we've since stopped taking pictures of Claire topless). But I'm trusting you with these photos... we can't have them showing up on the Internet!

Some sage advice

Following is part of a daily email Stew receives from http://www.allprodad.com (thanks to Uncle Peter Karl - the Uncle with two first names - for subscribing Stew to this be-a-better-parent advice email thingamajob).

SUBJECT: HAS YOUR DOG TURNED INTO A CAT?

The writer Adair Lara says young children behave like dogs -- they’re affectionate and love being around you. But when they hit the teen years, they start acting like cats -- distant and finicky. They make you feel unneeded. But realize that your teenager still needs you and your affection. Just change your approach. Be available and let them come to you. When they do, don’t smother them or cling too tightly. Let them have their moods and offer them understanding. The teen animal can be tamed with your unconditional love.

I would like to add:

And if your teenage kitty insists on acting like a selfish little [insert your favorite expletive here], then kick them to the curb. Better yet, toss their lazy meowing ass on the roof of the house and dare them to take a Nestea Plunge off... they're supposed to land on their feet, right? If they land on their feet, then they learn an important lesson about facing their fears and learning to trust their instincts. And if they don't land on their feet, well then they learn the most important life lesson of all: cats are ineffectual creatures that are not to be imitated. Besides, nobody likes a copycat.

Construction Zone

Greetings, Humanoids. It's been a while. How y'all been? Me? I've been okay... thanks for asking. As you know, I've been trying to help Stew get the house ready to put on the market for sale. And, it probably goes without saying that things don't always go as planned when Stew's involved. You all know Murphy's Law? It's a theory that says Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong. Well, I've come up with a new law - Stew's Law. It goes something like this: Whenever Stew picks up a hammer, Momma's checking account shrinks by another $100. You see, Stew's not a professional carpenter. In fact, he's not even a semi-pro or an amateur. Let's just say "carpenter" is not on the List of Things I Would Call Stew. So, when Stew attempts to "build" something, it typically involves 3-4 unplanned trips to Home Depot or Lowe's... and another $100 in expenses that weren't on Momma's original budgetary spreadsheet. Therefore, Momma gets angry... and you wouldn't like Momma when she's angry. She doesn't always turn green and tear off her clothes. It's more like a reddish-purple hue, and she usually stays fully clothed. But, she doesn't hesitate to grab the whiteboard and point out to Stew that he's "not following the family plan!" [click HERE if you don't "get" the whiteboard reference]

But, to quote a (supposed) great American -- President G.W. Bush -- we're "making progress" and "the surge is working" on our house projects, but it's "hard work" and we need to "stay the course." And if using Dubya's definition of "progress", one could say Stew's been making progress on the basement for the past five years. And despite major construction operations having ended in the basement back in 2003 (Mission Accomplished), Stew's still been occupying the basement and slowly tearing down the house under the guise of building a better basement (Operation Bachelor Pad). Well, this is one instance where perhaps Dubya's Theory of Outsourcing might work: Whatever can be outsourced will be outsourced, even if that means military operations or basement construction projects, as long as someone gets rich at the tax payers expense. Does Halliburton have a basement remodeling subsidiary? Well, Momma wants Stew to cut and run on his mission (Shock and Awe Shucks I have to go back to Home Depot for more supplies) so we can move on to bigger and better things, like a bigger and better house. However, Stew seems to be following the John McCain Plan -- a continuous occupation of the basement until victory is our's! And by "victory", I mean... well, quite frankly, I'm not sure. We just hope these pesky house projects don't follow us to our new home.

Anyway, this concludes the political commentary for today's blog. I leave you with a couple "Before" and "After" photos of the upstairs bathroom. My goal is to eventually post a "Before-After" video if Stew ever completes Momma's list of projects... otherwise, you can look forward to a video of Stew slowly walking down the street -- his head hanging low while he carries a duffel bag full of his four t-shirts, three pairs of underwear, two pairs of tube socks, his Homer Simpson beer bottle opener, and his 32 oz "I Got Trashed In Louie's Backyard" tumbler from Spring Break 1991 (South Padre Island) -- after Momma kicks him out of the house for "failing to complete his assigned tasks as related to the Stewart Family Plan".

BEFORE

AFTER

Look out below!

Is there anybody still out there? My apologies for the extended absence, but I've been busy. It was a Festival of Colors at our house last week. One might say our house was briefly transformed into a vomitorium. Is that even a word? If not, it should be.

That's right. Early last week, poor little Claire caught a stomach flu bug. As we've since learned, the flu shot she received with vaccinations is for her respiratory system and doesn't do much for the prevention of the stomach flu. That's just great. So, Claire's first projectile was Monday night around 8pm, and she was not particular as to where or on whom she puked. She just let it fly, so I had to be on guard at all times. By the time she finally fell asleep around 11:30pm, the toll on garments and furniture vomitized by Claire included: the recliner seat cushion, two large spots on the downstairs carpet, one small spot on the upstairs rug, two sets of Claire's pajamas, two throw pillows, two blankets, three bath towels, Stew's Atari t-shirt and a pair of jeans, Momma's sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants, and - finally - Stew's G.I. Joe t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. On Tuesday morning around 9am, Claire started things up again by spewing on the kitchen floor. At 9:01am, Stew was in the kitchen calling, "Bogart.... come here." Unbenounced to Stew, I was in the kitchen at 8:59am and saw what was about to occur, so I hightailed it outta there. Can you believe Stew expected me to clean up the mess? I can. Typical...

Around 10am Tuesday, Stew was on the nurse line speaking with Nurse Ratchet about dehydration and other fun topics. She told Stew that if Claire showed any signs of dehydration that he should "bring her in!" Incidentally, Tuesday was also Stew's first experience administering a rectal thermometer. But don't worry, it wasn't a self exam! No, he remembered from the (what he thought were useless at the time) birthing classes he and Momma took while Claire was still a zigote that you are always supposed to take the baby's temperature before calling the clinic. Give Stew a gold star for at least remembering this. Stew was pretty good with the thermometer, and he could probably make a living selling thermometers if he ever goes back to a sales job. Anyway, Tuesday was a long day.

Wednesday morning around 9am or so, Momma came walking in the house, home from work early! So, I quickly grabbed my chew toy and brought it to her while wagging my tail like nobody's business. But she walked right past me and into the bathroom, where I soon heard sounds I hope to never hear again. Yup... Momma caught the flu, too. So, while Momma spent the day traveling between her bedroom and the bathroom, Stew was downstairs with Claire all day trying to get her to stop crying. Claire basically cried or slept all day Tuesday and Wednesday, while Momma made crazy noises in the bathroom.

On Thursday, Momma was still sick and decided to stay home from work. Plus, Claire was still acting like a little zombie... very tired and cranky. So, Stew decided to diagnose Claire as being "dehydrated", and he took her in for a 10:10am appointment to see the first available pediatrician. It takes about 12 minutes to drive to the clinic, plus another 4 minutes just to park. It's about 2 minutes more from the parking garage to the 4th Floor Pediatrics Clinic, and you typically have to wait about 4 minutes after checking in. So, after a 22 minute investment of time, Stew and Claire were face-to-face with Dr. Bob. He asked Stew a few questions before examing Claire, then he sent Stew and Claire on their way back home after about 3 minutes in the exam room. Apparently Stew's definition of "dehydration" differs greatly from that of Dr. Bob (not to mention the American Medical Association's). Dr. Bob said that if Claire's condition didn't improve within 24 hours, then he would suggest a urine test. To test for what, we're not sure, but he's the doctor. Anyway, after another long day, Stew brought a late dinner of four burritos smothered in cheese downstairs to enjoy while watching some TV before bedtime...

Friday morning around 5am, Stew was wishing badly that he hadn't decided to eat four burritos at 9pm the night before. By 7am, it was apparent it wasn't just the burritos that were making him sick... it was that blasted flu bug. Since Momma was feeling better, she went to work because she had back-to-back meetings at 9am and 10am. Luckily for Stew, she called before her 10am meeting to see how things were going. Needless to say, Momma arrived home at 11:15am to take care of everybody. Luckily Claire was feeling better, but Stew spent the rest of the day traveling between the bedroom and the bathroom.

Everyone is back to normal now, but house projects have been delayed. You might recall we hope to relocate, so I've been busy helping Stew try to catch up on the projects. So, bear with me while we work on other things. I'll still try blogging about Claire as often as I can, though. In the meantime, I've since learned to keep one eye looking upward for flying vomit. A fella can never be too careful.