Earth Day - Part 2

I'm still a bit shaken from yesterday. Although I've found a new friend in Pam, I'm still taken aback at the mysterious powers of the Internet. I'm also very concerned because how am I supposed to spread my venom via passive agressive rants if there's a chance the recipient of my yammering just might read my writings? A pusillanimous dog can only eat so much crow. Plus, I was fully prepared to write a lengthy diatribe about my evil ex-girlfriend, Fifi, but there's no way in heck I want that crazy bitch -- which I, of course, mean as "female dog" --showing up on our doorstep. She has a firearm permit AND voted for George Bush... TWICE. Yikes!

So, today, I'm just going to post some pictures of Claire helping me make mulch by feeding me sticks from the backyard. I'm including a few other photos of Claire taken over the past couple days on our back 40 (which is actually closer to .10 acres). She's just so darned cute that I can't resist sharing her photos with y'all. Enjoy!

Claire also LOVES to wear my dog harness that hangs by the back door. Momma and Stew call it my "bro", and you Seinfeld fans will understand the "bro" reference.

I love realtors!

Let me be clear. I love me some realtor! I respect and enjoyed meeting most of the realtors I've encountered in my life. And to any realtors - don't let my incessant barking at you fool you... it's just my way of saying "hello... please remove your shoes when you enter my doghouse." Frankly, I've never met a realtor I didn't like. Obviously, some of my faithful readers have had their own "issues" with their own realtors (thank God we don't live in Alaska). But Stew tells me sales is a difficult profession, and all sales fields are full of bad salespeople. Keep in mind, Stew was a manufacturer's representative for a high quality furniture maker that offered its goods at a modest price, so he's met plenty of salespeople in his lifetime. In fact, a majority of the furniture distributors (called "dealers") he dealt with were greedy, lying, whining weasels with whom he was forced to work. But the guy called "Bumper" out in Pierre, SoDak, was the exception to the rule (Stew made me write that just in case Bumper reads this).

Well, I have a confession to make. In light of recent events, my NEW favorite realtor (just behind our current agent) is... wait for it... Pamela Norman of Edina Realty! It turns out that one of you 4-5 blog readers either knows Ms. Norman and informed her of this recent post whining about her, OR one of you sneaks is posing as Ms. Norman in this recent comment (supposedly from Ms. Norman). If it's really from her, then I say "Bravo, Ms. Norman!" I appreciate your comment and the class you display be refraining from name-calling and/or personal attacks (which is my modus operandi). Rest assured I've forwarded your comment to my stewing handlers. And thank you for your kind comments about the appearance of our doghouse. However, let's not go nuts. In addition to my attempts to slowly kill off the backyard lawn over the winter with my acidic dog pee, those who know Stew know any upgrades he's made that involved the use of a hammer will not likely last through the summer. Plus, we're confident you or your client probably had to step over a dog hair fur ball that slowly tumbled across our living room floor when you entered the house. Regardless, I've got a big serving of crow awaiting me in my dog dish... plus a side of chopped spinach to keep my pee toxic. I hear Stew's thinking of doing some yard work this weekend if the rain/snow clears...

Ms. Norman, if that is your real name, please know that nobody actually reads this blog. Trust me. I've applied for "Professional Blogger" jobs only to be told "uh... thanks for your application, but nobody reads your blog so why do you think we'd hire you to write for us?" Plus, those who do read it either don't live in Minnesota or they have a personality disorder... or both. But I will gladly recommend your services to anyone out there looking to move to or within the Twin Cities area. And to those looking for a new home, don't be bad customers and make your realtor show you 30+ houses. Just buy the first available house you find and whine about all the problems later.

2Dogs Productions Presents - Rap Master C!

Step back, 50 Cent, 'cause here comes Half Penny! That's right. Rap Master C is in da house, y'all! Claire's been practicing her rap skills and gave Momma, Stew and I a performance the other night in her nursery. But since she doesn't have a microphone, Claire uses her mini-shampoo bottle. Now all she needs is a DJ to spin discs while Half Penny raps her rhymes. Send your applications to me (Lazy B) at 2DogsProductions headquarters, which are unfortunately still located in Robbinsdale...

Anyway, here are some photos of Claire paying tribute to Public Enemy by performing their classic social commentary, "Fight the Power":

As the rhythm designed to bounce

What counts is that the rhymes

Designed to fill your mind

Now that you've realized the prides arrived

We got to pump the stuff to make us tough

from the heart

It's a start, a work of art

To revolutionize make a change nothin's strange

People, people we are the same

No we're not the same

'Cause we don't know the game

What we need is awareness, we can't get careless

You say what is this?

My beloved lets get down to business

Mental self defensive fitness

(Yo) bum rush the show

You gotta go for what you know

Make everybody see, in order to fight the powers that be

Lemme hear you say...

Fight the Power!

Happy Earth Day!

In honor of today being Earth Day, the first thing I did when I woke up this morning was go outside to the backyard and fertilize the lawn. Twice. I mean, when "doody" calls, I answer. I'll probably chew sticks into mulch later today and disperse it around the yard, depending on when the rain decides to show up. It's supposed to rain all week, except for Wednesday. Of course, the sun is shining brightly as I type this post, so I guess I'll chalk this one up to yet another stellar forecast prediction by our local weatherman.

In other news, I've been absent lately due to Stew not relinquishing control of the computer. He's been obsessively searching the Internet for the cheapest and easiest path toward obtaining a real estate license. If the couple real estate agents who have shown interest in our home are any indication of the level of competence within this field, Stew's very confident he could easily reach the level of TOP REALTOR or PRESIDENT'S CIRCLE or MILLION DOLLAR CLUB simply by being his normal incompetent self. It appears a monkey could do this job, but I mean no offense to any realtors out there who might actually do a good job at serving their clients.

Take, for example, Edina Realty's Pamela Norman. She showed our house to an interested party eight days ago. After the showing, she implied to our agent that her client was planning to make an offer. Two days later, this party returned for a second showing, after which we were told (in writing) "The buyer is considering this one and one other. I should know today or tomorrow if they will choose one or keep looking." So, after receiving this information, a day passed with no word from Pamela Norman. Then two days... then three... and it's now been six days and still no word. Our agent has phoned Ms. Norman asking for feedback just to confirm what we assume to be fact - that no offer is coming - but still no word. I mean, come on! How difficult is it to dial a phone to call our agent back and say "sorry, my buyer is no longer interested"? My apologies to Ms. Norman for trashing her good name. As a member of Edina Realty's PRESIDENT'S CIRCLE, she obviously knows how to sell houses. But dialing a phone must be another matter. There's simply no excuse for leaving us hanging with no feedback.

And then there's the mystery Remax agent who scheduled a showing but never showed up with his buyer. Not a big deal, but the fact he has yet to return our agent's call asking "what's the deal?" has pushed Stew over the edge. Stew told me, "Bogey, even the worst salesperson in the world who practices good follow through is better than a top salesperson who doesn't follow up with his customers. And I'm proof of this fact. I became an award-winning seller of high quality furniture at a modest price despite the fact I can hardly sit in a chair without falling out of it. But I knew how to pick up a phone to keep my customer informed of issues affecting them." Then Stew added, "And don't forget that back in my senior year of high school, I was the state's (South Dakota's) free throw percentage leader with a 92% shots-made percentage." When I asked Stew what this has to do with selling, he replied, "Not a thing... I just like to remind people of my free throw shooting expertise as often as I can."

So, Stew is still fuming (Momma calls it, "STEWing"). And he's turned into a crazy dictator. He even has Claire putting her own books away and dusting her book shelves. He's threatened to make me vacuum the basement carpet, but I just turn and head the other way whenever I see Stew rounding a corner in my direction. This dog won't hunt, nor will I push a vacuum.

Who wants a cookie?

Our house hit the Multiple Listing Service (MLS) today, and so did my beautiful mug! So, feel free to contact our realtor with all your requests for a tour of our doghouse. Scratch that -- just put a bid in now 'cause this place won't be on the market long. Not with all the exceptional work Stew's done in the basement. Oh, by the way, Stew asked me to say "screw you" to the two jokers who poked fun at the white vanity in the upstairs bathroom that doesn't match the 1950's brown crapwood trim around the window and the linen closet. Me thinks he's a bit sensitive about this subject...

Anyway, I'm posting some of the MLS photos... plus a few extra that show work Stew did that DIDN'T make the realtor's list of photos. For example, here's ANOTHER picture of the upstairs bathroom (after being "staged"). Aunt Dee (Rosemount) came over this past weekend to help Momma stage the house while Stew loaded up the big storage container in our driveway. I watched him haul stereo equipment, an extension cord, and a big ice chest into the container, but then I never saw him again for several hours. I'm fairly certain the cooler contained a case of Budweiser and the stereo equipment included "Dog Tracks Volumes 1-8" ... Stew's homemade CD's full of 1970's and 1980's era tunes. But, he still somehow managed to get the container "loaded" (pun intended). And here's a picture of the BEAUTIFUL walk-in closet in the basement. The closet didn't make the realtor photos either (mainly because there is still some trim work to be completed). And don't mind Claire... she's just walking around the basement holding the TV remote control, which is her favorite "toy" in the entire house. Well, unless you count the electrical outlet in the downstairs wall. It's apparently A LOT of fun sticking your tongue in the outlet. Psyche! Just kidding, Grandmas! We have all outlets covered by safety plugs, but Stew can't figure out how to get them off. Therefore, the house hasn't been vacuumed for about 6 months.

Here's the basement guest room Stew's been working on for the last five years. He put in the ceiling last summer, but only recently added the wall trim and built a window sill and put up the window trim and vertical blinds. And the other shot is taken from the guest room looking into the guest bathroom (and you can sort of see the walk-in closet). Stew added a locking bathroom door, so guests enjoying the Saturday morning newspaper while "taking care of bidness" no longer need to worry about a stray dog (or child) wandering into the bathroom unannounced. We still have some trim and floor thresholds to install. But, so far, no phone calls from interested buyers. I don't get it. The house has been on the market for close to eight hours. What's everyone waiting for?! Let's get crackin', folks!

Since you are supposed to bake chocolate chip cookies prior to any house showings, Momma gave Stew permission to buy a tub of cookie dough from Costco. So, Stew came home with a 50 gallon drum of Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough last week. Unfortunately, he has to go back this weekend to get more. You see, Momma and Stew have been "practicing" baking cookies every night since Stew arrived home with the dough.

Anyway, you can view more pictures here. And help us sell this place... Claire's excited to put up her new sign!

Wanna buy a house?

Finally... the realtor (pictured here) showed up yesterday to shoot photos of the house. Of course, Stew was here to follow her around the house asking, "may I take your jacket... PLEASE?" We will officially be on the market on Friday, but don't tell the real estate sign company. They mounted a "For Sale" sign in our front yard over a week ago. So, we've had people driving up to our house, jumping out of their cars and running in our front yard to grab a brochure from the little box that sits atop the "For Sale" sign. Unfortunately for them, there are no brochures (yet). And, unfortunately for me, I can't get out the front door to chase them off my lawn. My lobbying efforts to have Stew install a doggie door in the front entry have gone unappeased. But I promise to get one good chunk out of the postal carrier before we move.

Anyway, Stew was up until 4:30am Wednesday morning (Tuesday night) finishing the walk-in closet in the basement (just painting, laying carpet, etc...). But, it turned out okay and just needs a little trim work. I won't post any pictures because some of you jokers might point out that the wall color (light blue) doesn't match the ceiling color (white). You know who you are. You are the same two people who pointed out the new white bathroom vanity upstairs doesn't match the window trim or linen closet door. But, you go try to find a (nice) vanity made out of brown 1950's era crapwood. Anyway, I'll post a link to our house pictures on Friday... after the realtor gets the house listed.

In the meantime, I leave you with a week's worth of Claire. Enjoy!

Claire's new spring jacket and her winter hat (she put the hat on all by herself)

Claire likes to wear Momma's summer hat (and sweatpants)

Claire wearing Stew's "these-make-me-look-young-and-hip-right?" shoes

Mmmmmmm... Claire can't get enough of her banana-apple smoothie

Ohhhhh... too much banana-apple smoothie

Grandma Helen sent Claire magnets made out of pictures of the SoDak farm animals. Here's Claire pointing at the gaggle of piglets...

And here Claire is about to point at the cow...

Claire has had enough of pointing at pictures and has decided to take her smoothie and go home... but since she's already home, she will simply walk back into the office and return to pointing at the computer screensaver while saying "baby" (everything Claire points at is labeled "baby")...

Sometimes we don't wear pants when we have our morning snack, and sometimes Claire likes to sniff her toes during snack time. Apparently, she thinks it's funny, but I promise to continue working on her comedic timing. Here, watch this: "Claire, come over here and pull my paw!"

But Claire's not falling for that old trick again...

What did I say about deadlines?

Well, as I stated yesterday, Stew's not much for deadlines. Unfortunately, Momma is part to blame for the latest fiasco that has caused yet another delay in our listing the house for sale. That's right. I said "another delay." In fact, we might not be moving for quite some time. Allow me to explain...

Remember the treadmill I mentioned yesterday? The one with a running surface that weighs about 250 lbs. The one that doesn't have any handles for ease of transport. The one delivered on a pallet by two burly, bearded men wearing flannel shirts. Well, it appears the treadmill running surface in question is about 20 lbs heavier than Momma bargained for. Miraculously, Momma and Stew were able to get the surface all the way up the stairs without damaging the stairs, walls or Stew's body. But, things took a turn for the worse when the surface was being moved through the opening between the kitchen and the front room. The surface had to be lifted and turned on its side to fit through the 29" wide opening. And remember when I said there are no handles on this thing? Just let me tell you that it would be helpful for future models of the treadmill to come with said handles, because the surface slipped out of Momma's hands... and here's a picture of the hardwood floor after we finally moved the treadmill surface out to the storage container. I'm fairly certain Stew's not going to attempt to repair the floor on his own. Actually, Momma already called the hardwood floor guy who originally sanded/buffed our floors when we first pulled up the shag carpet. But allow me to walk you downstairs... to the location directly under the floor where the treadmill was dropped. As you can see, the tremor from upstairs caused part of the drywall ceiling to crash to the floor, along with a bunch of fiberglass insulation. Luckily, Stew is quite the drywall hanger and will likely make short order of this repair. And by "short order" I mean "it's about a 6-month project". So, as you can see, there's a good chance we aren't moving for quite awhile. Luckily for Stew, Momma doesn't blame him for the mess, and he's at least smart enough not to say "stew-pid" things like, "I thought farm girls were supposed to be strong!"

If you haven't guessed by now, then let me make it official: April Fool's! The photos above are actually from a house currently for sale that's being marketed as a "fixer upper", and I'm fairly confident it's not going to make our list of houses we want to see.

Well, I'm in a bit of a hurry, but I want to post a link to last year's April Fool's gag because I think it was way better than this one. But who knows, maybe I fooled somebody out there today...