September 10th mindset hits Stay-At-Home-Dog Blog

For the last several years, Stew has been screaming at me, "Bogart! We need to fight 'em over there so we don't have to fight 'em here!" I've never been too sure who "they" are, but I do know he's been watching an extraordinarily absurd amount of Fox News ever since retiring from the contract furniture sales industry to become a SAHD (stay-at-home dude). Therefore, I can only assume he means "Keith Olbermann and the other liberal fascists on the MSNBC network" (Stew's words, not mine as I enjoy Olbermann... even though he's no Wolf Blitzer)! But recently, Randy Scheunemann (National Security Director for the campaign of Senator John "Insane in the Membrane" McCain) was quoted as saying, "Senator Obama is a perfect manifestation of a September 10th mind-set... he does not understand the nature of the enemies we face.” Now, I've looked into this Scheunemann guy, and he's an expert (source). I mean, he was an advisor to (former) Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld on Iraq, so he is obviously someone we should listen to. And that's when it hit me like a ton of bricks. My Stay-At-Home-Dog Blog loyalists also suffer from a September 10th mindset. Allow me to explain...

You people - some of you more than others - consistently ridicule my attempts to warn you of the dangers of rodents, cats, postal carriers, vacuum cleaners and the like. Well, the buck stops here - not to mention your incredulous comments implying cats to somehow be superior to dogs AND the outrageous justifications for the rehabilitation of injured rodents! Now, it's personal... literally. Click on this picture of an innocent-looking cat to find proof that THEY ARE HERE... and "they" are "extremist cats". Wow - Stew is actually right! How could this be? The photo links to proof an extremist cat has infiltrated the Humane Society of Stew's hometown of Pierre, SD... no doubt in an attempt to establish a terrorist sleeper cell (aka "cat nap crew"). And what's more is that the cat has stolen my identity! This is truly scary stuff. Thanks to Aunt Dee (Florida) - a true American patriot - for bringing this dangerous situation to my attention.

In light of these new developments, I dispatched Army Special Forces Captain Theodore Hertzel from the Midwest Bureau of the Department of Guardianship (DOG) to investigate this cat nap crew further. Some of you are familiar with Captain Theo, but for those of you new to this blog, here's a little bio: Captain Theo, a Fargo resident, holds extraterritoriality status which exempts him from the jurisdiction of local laws (the same thing commonly granted to foreign diplomats and/or current and former Bush Administration officials who perform acts of treason). Additionally, he has an extremely low center of gravity that allows him to conduct high-risk, life-threatening missions such as sneeking up on napping terror cats, burrowing into groundhog dens, and escaping charging vacuums by leaping into an open cloths dryer.

For security reasons, I'm unable to provide you with Captain Theo's complete report. However, I am able to declassify a single document that SHOULD scare you into action. Please note this blog entry will self-destruct in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

BREAKING NEWS! (well... sort of)

This just in... from Chief Eskimo Correspondent, Sir BLUE LeDoux of our Ninilchik, Alaska News Bureau. This story is a follow up to a previous posting mentioning how The Rios Family of Edina nursed an injured groundhog/rodent back to health...

Aberdeen, SD, fire claims pet squirrel

A small Thursday fire claimed an unusual victim. A pet squirrel belonging to an Aberdeen man died as the result of the accidental kitchen blaze. At 11:07AM, firefighters were called to an apartment at 214 N. Arch Street rented by Terry Kumpf. He was not hurt, fire officials said. However Kumpf's squirrel, a pet of nine years, could not be saved. The good news is his two canines survived. The squirrel was being kept in a cage and could not escape. When firefighters tried to retrieve the animal, it had inhaled too much smoke and died. Bob Winter, Shift Commander for Aberdeen Fire and Rescue, said the fire started as the result of a stove burner being unknowingly turned on, igniting plastic items on the stove. Flames damaged the stove and the nearby refrigerator. There was also smoke damage in the rest of the small apartment, he said. Lt. Tim Medenwald said Kumpf rescued his two dogs from the apartment. Fire department workers administered oxygen to the canines when they arrived. Medenwald said the dogs were lethargic, but doing fine. After a brief exam a short time later, the Aberdeen animal control office proclaimed the dogs in good health. No formal estimate of damage was available, but Winter said Kumpf lost some personal items.

Sir BLUE LeDoux, a distant relative of the apartment owner, added: "The story doesn't tell about how he tried to give the squirrel mouth to mouth for a half hour."

Source:
Aberdeen American News
By Scott Waltman, American News Writer
December 19, 2003

Future Golden Girls (minus Bea Arthur)

Last Saturday night, Momma, Stew and Claire left me alone to go have burgers with The Rios Family of Edina. Yes, THAT Rios Family... the one that took in an injured groundhog or squirrel or [insert the name of your favorite rodent] and nursed it back to health. I'm willing to bet that same rodent is sitting atop some roof- or tree-top in Edina taking pot shots at unsuspecting hounds (Edina squirrel terrorists wear berets as opposed to a kaffiyeh, the traditional Arab headdress made famous by that al Qaeda-loving Rachael Ray). But Momma and Stew both assure me that The Rios Family can be trusted and are held in high regard with our family. However, I choose to exercise my right to be cautious until I know them better. That said, presenting me with a doggy treat the next time the Rioses come over to visit would be a good start to building trust. I'm talkin' to you, Mike!

One thing Momma and Stew have done to help me get over my suspicions of The Rios Family is to show me photos of their beautiful daughter, Marin. I'm told Claire and Marin had a fabulous time playing together. And Claire - being about 8 months older - was all aloof and tried acting cool around her younger gal pal. But, Marin just laughed at Claire and followed her around. Plus, both girls apparently like the taste of baby fingers, so they have a lot in common (and I agree... baby fingers and toes ARE quite tasty). Claire REALLY wants to spend more time with Marin, but that would involve getting Stew and Mike (Marin's padre) out of their respective houses. So, good luck with that... Stew only leaves our house whenever we're running low on Mountain Dew OR when he has an extra five bucks to spend on a Starbuck's Venti Iced No Whip Mocha.

But, today is special. He's actually leaving the house soon and taking Claire to Costco to buy beer and golfballs for a charity golf tournament in which he, Uncle Kermit and a couple other guys are entered tomorrow. Beer and golf balls are two things Stew seems to "misplace" while on the course (not to mention his ability to speak coherently). The team got Last Place in 2007 (and they were six strokes worse than the second-to-last-place team). Anyway, it's for charity, but I hope they don't get thrown into jail.

Now, I leave you with a couple very cute pictures of Claire with her friend, Marin...

UPDATE: Anonymous inquired as to if Claire received a haircut. She has not had a haircut... unless you count the VERY small chunk of hair Stew took off her bangs before he panicked and abruptly stopped the procedure. He's now taking an online hair stylist course, so stay tuned for future pictures of me looking like a French Poodle.

And Bea Arthur (aka Dorothy from The Golden Girls)

It's such a fine line between stupid and clever...

It all started on June 25, 1968, in the maternity ward of Saint Mary's Hospital in Pierre, SD. Jeffrey "Franny" Fransen and Brett "StewDog" Stewart - while still in diapers - joined forces to become FranDog... one of the most influential soft rock duos to ever originate in South Dakota. From their breakout hit, "You can change my diaper, but you can't change me" to their 1986 best-selling ballad, "It's not stalking 'cause I love you", FranDog's awkward (and often times creepy) sound brought them great commercial success yet little favor with the ladies... especially throughout their heyday of the 1980's. Franny once said, "Making girls cry is second nature to us." StewDog added, "We're damn good at it, and it's a gift we want to share with the world." Please join FranDog for their 40-year Reunion Concert. Only gifts meant to humiliate the two are acceptable. Additionally, female fans are encouraged to refrain from throwing panties in FranDog's direction. The act of doing so is so 1986...

Anyone within reading distance of this posting is invited to attend. However, please note that if you EVER dated Stew (not including Momma), then you will be turned away at the door because we don't need any psychopaths showing up... besides, we'll have our hands and paws full just keeping a handle on Uncle Franny.

So, maybe you bought a high quality chair at a modest price from Stew back when he was (an award-winning) furniture sales rep... Perhaps Uncle Franny was a political strategist on your failed run for office... Maybe you share something in common with both members of FranDog (i.e., you've also puked in the back seat of Uncle Jimmy's 1980 Ford Granada)... Or, maybe you shared a jail cell with Stew and kept calling him "Rex" (I'm talking to you, Leonard Blue Thunder)! Regardless of your affiliation with FranDog, please show up to Decoy's in Downtown Hopkins on Saturday, June 28th. We told the bar we'd have 75 people in attendance but, as it turns out, FranDog only has about a half-dozen fans. So, we need some help. And to make it very easy for you, simply right-click on the guest pass below, hit "copy", open Word, hit "paste" and print as many of them as you need. Then, on the evening of June 28th, load up your Griswold Family Truckster and head to Downtown Hopkins. It's just that easy... but please RSVP to bogart.stewart@gmail.com as soon as you can if you plan to attend. The bar would like to know an approximate number of guests to expect in case they need to hire extra security guards.

It's all about Wild Max!

It appears I'm remiss in not acknowledging the naming rights holder for the aptly named FranDog 40 Fiasco event. And how do I know this? Well, I received a comment in yesterday's post from my Uncle Max from Alaska (aka "Wild Max"). Like the two members of FranDog, Wild Max was raised in Pierre, SD. After college, Max purchased a building in Brookings, SD, and created a coffee house he called, Joe House. The coffee house is rumored to have also been a shebeen because Stew was often found in the basement office swilling beer before he would leave Joe House to go bar hopping with my Uncle Max and Uncle JonCrete. Anyway, I guarantee Wild Max was a carnival barker in another life (or possibly a snake oil salesman). What I'm saying is he's quite the promoter, and it is Wild Max who came up with the name FranDog 40 Fiasco. For some reason, his comment has disappeared from yesterday's post. Regardless, I want to give Wild Max credit before he fires off another whining comment.

In addition to being a promoter extraordinaire, Wild Max is a Merle Haggard wannabe. In fact, he wrote and recorded his own country song back in Joe House days, and I've taken that song and put it to video. It's a song about lost love, so it doesn't really fit the video images. Plus Max's wife, Kate, is the REAL musical talent in their family (she even has her own album). But, today's all about Wild Max... and this is one of my all-time favorite songs. Enjoy!

A TV show by any other name...

Would undoubtedly still suck just as bad. Of course, I'm referring to The Bachelor... a television show where one lucky bastard gets to mate with something like 15-20 women over the course of just a couple weeks until just one "lady" remains. It's sort of like VH-1's Rock of Love (starring Bret Michaels of Poison fame), only without all the STD's, leather pants, headbands, hair extensions and overuse of the words awesome and cool in every sentence spoken on the show. Anyway, I caught The Bachelor marathon on VH-1 yesterday afternoon. You see, Claire fell asleep on the couch after lunch, so Stew and I were flipping through channels during Claire's nap and happened upon the marathon. We were so intrigued by the fact that this particular bachelor dude didn't seem to be a major league douchebag that we decided to watch... for the next six hours. When Momma arrived home from work, she teased us and called us "nerds", but both Stew and I were just so happy for Jesse and Jessica that we didn't care. Stew and I did find it odd that after just a few weeks, the guy and gals could fall head-over-heels in love with each other. Plus, it seems as if The Bachelor fella slept with (at least) the last three bachelorettes on the show, yet none of the "ladies" seemed to mind the fact that this dude was having a go with each of them. Throughout the show, Stew kept muttering "I could've been on this show back in the day..." And I'm assuming by "back in the day" Stew meant "before my 30 pound beer gut" or, more likely, "before everyone on television was attractive and interesting." Anyway, we never plan to watch The Bachelor ever again, but I could be wrong...

In other news, as my four faithful readers know, something HUGE is going to take place on Saturday, June 28th. Well, the said event now has a name: The FranDog 40 Fiasco. The name is derived from the following: FRAN (refers to my Uncle Franny) + DOG (refers to Stew's nickname of StewDog) + 40 (number of years ago that each fella was born) + FIASCO (a complete or humiliating failure). I'm not big into foreshadowing, but I think this name actually says it all. Stay tuned for more details yet to come...

Join the club

Last night, I received an anonymous comment regarding the fact that The FranDog Express just so happens to be a mini-bus. Specifically, the commentor referred to our tour bus as a "short bus", which is a derogatory term used by big bullies with small penises (see the Urban Dictionary's definition of "short bus" here). You see, it takes a lot of courage to ride the short bus. How much courage does it take to post an anonymous comment? I'm talking to you, Brenner! My apologies to The Brenner if I guessed wrong on who actually posted the comment (but I know it was you!). Anyway, Stew pointed out to me that he, in fact, used to ride a short bus driven by Coach Ellwanger when the Pierre, SD, freshman football team made road trips. So, I guess this means Stew can officially be dubbed as "Special."

Moving on... I am currently taking applications from you to join FranDog Club. Members receive absolutely nothing in return for their $49.95 monthly membership fee, although there's a good chance your mug could end up being (poorly) Photoshopped onto the body of a donkey in a future FranDog Club Newsletter. To sign up, simply email me your credit card information, and I'll do the rest. You might as well throw in your checking account details and your mother's maiden name in the event your credit card balance somehow extends your credit limit and/or your card gets shut-off due to suspicious activity. The first-ever FranDog Club event will take place on Saturday, June 28th, so mark you calendars now! More details will be provided over the next couple days. In the meantime, I leave you with a few words of wisdom from FranDog Club: Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.

All aboard The FranDog Express!

Way back in June 1968, two women shared a hospital room in the maternity ward of St. Mary's Hospital in Pierre, SoDak (home to Uncle Matt's Zesto). This was back in the days when soon-to-be fathers would drop their pregnant wives at the door of the nearest hospital and tell the nurse to, "Call me when she pops... I have to get back to my office." Anyway, one woman was about to give birth to her very first child, while the second lady was working on her fourth kid. The latter mom (Stew's mom and my Grandma Judy) was quite relaxed and anticipated no problems with the pending birth of her baby, but the soon-to-be first-time mom was quite frantic, saying things like, "What if my baby is ugly? What if it's stupid? What if it has a deformed nose? What if all of these things happen? Oh, the agony!" But my Grandma Judy -- who already had three, beautiful, gifted children -- told the new mom-to-be to "Just relax... I'm sure everything will be fine." Boy was Grandma Judy wrong!

On June 25th, both Jeff "Franny" Fransen and Brett "StewDog" Stewart entered the world just a few hours apart. The two lads would eventually become good friends to form the super-duo of FranDog. They aged rather quickly and in 1970 joined forces with Jimi Hendrix to briefly form The Fran-Dog Experience. After Jimi tragically passed away a year later, Franny and Stew returned to being FranDog and have remained together for nearly 40 years. To this day, the only disagreement they have is over who has the bigger nose -- Franny's is thick and wide, while Stew's is long and crooked. One thing they can agree on is that they are both somewhat peculiar looking, but what can they do?

Anyway, together with my Uncle Jimmy, the two fellas are promoting an extraordinary event to occur later this month to mark the 40th anniversary of FranDog. So, stay tuned for more details in the coming days. In the meantime, climb aboard The FranDog Express and enjoy the ride...

Have you seen my chew toy?

This morning, Stew was on the phone with some dude named Leroy "Encyclopedia" Brown. Apparently, he's some sort of boy detective who solves all sorts of crimes. Only Leroy's parents and teachers call him by his given name (a name he dislikes); the rest of the neighborhood children refer to him as "Encyclopedia" due to his intelligence and cleverness. This reminds me of Stew because only his mom and sister call him by his given name of "Brett", while his friends, brothers and wife call him "Stew" (or "StewDog"). It seems Stew decided against using the name neighborhood children gave him when he was growing up in Pierre, South Dakota. In fact, I don't think anyone's referred to him as "Pee Wee" in years...

Anyway, you're likely wondering why Stew contacted Encyclopedia Brown. Well, it's a Claire thing. Apparently Momma couldn't find her slippers anywhere in the house, and Claire's been known to take household objects and relocate them to her secret hiding places. So far, we've discovered stashes of hair brushes, car keys and contact lens holders in the following locales: the bottom drawer of the office file cabinet, the window sill of the front window (behind the drapes), the clothes hamper in Momma and Stew's bedroom, Claire's training potty in the bathroom and on the bottom roll-out shelf of the cupboard next to the refrigerator. So, it looks like we're hiring Encyclopedia Brown to come find Momma's slippers and a slew of other missing items.

Did you catch the line above about our kitchen cupboards having roll-out shelves? Who needs a 2-car garage when you can have roll-out shelving in your kitchen? So, take note realtors... except for the agent from Keller-Williams who scheduled a second-showing at our house for 3:45pm on Sunday only to cancel the appointment at 3:30pm and has yet to return our agent's phone call asking "why?" But before I go off on yet another rant about realtors, I'm sure the agent realizes what a pain in the ass it is to clean our house - a house trashed on a daily basis by a 19-month old toddler and a 3-year old dog with a shedding problem - and then get a crying toddler and an uncontrollably scared dog who hates to take rides into a vehicle to drive around for 90 minutes so said realtor can show her client our beautiful home. And I'm sure there's a perfectly legitimate reason why she can't seem to return a phone call to our agent. So, congratulations Keller-Williams Realty, you've made the top of my Real Estate Agencies That Suck list due to the ever-growing number of your agents who have missed scheduled showing appointments. I'm just going to group all of your branch offices together since I don't know the names of the agents or from which office they work. Maybe I should consider hiring Encyclopedia Brown to track you down. Better yet, I think I'll call Dog the Bounty Hunter. I hear he has a new show he's working on with HGTV that will air after House Hunters. It's going to be called Realtor Hunter, and here's the proposed theme song:

There's fear and darkness all around you,
The realtors are on the run;
You think you can just skip scheduled showings,
But that's unprofessional and wrong;
No use in hiding in your office,
I'll hunt you down 'cause I'm the Dog!
I'm the Dog...
The big bad Dog...
The Realtor Hunter!!!!