Save Stew's Starbucks Campaign

I'm a very busy dog these days, so I leave you with more Stephen Colbert... and a very worthy cause (well, at least Stew thinks so).

This just in...

A Fight to the Furnish

I've recently started lobbying Stew for a bigger house. I mean, if he and Momma think they need more space, then so do I (what's good for the dude, is good for the dog). And speaking of houses, we had another offer on our house. We got the offer about three weeks ago, and I'm just now cooling off since it was another "we'll give you a crapload less money than you want, plus we want you to pay our closing costs... plus give us another $12,000 on top of all the other crap we're asking for." Needless to say, we politely turned down the offer. Anyway, I still want a new house in order to intimidate the terrorist squirrels in the backyard. You see, if they see me investing money in a state-of-the-art dog mansion (complete with missile launchers), then they'll be forced to spend all the acorns they've saved for the cold winter just to keep up with my spending.

Still confused? Well, to better explain what I mean, watch this Stephen Colbert clip where he brilliantly talks about defeating the terrorists.

A Star Wars Kind of Week

RETURN OF THE JOHNSONS
It was a Star Wars theme at our house this past week. Of course, I'm speaking of the George Lucas epic space opera sort of Star Wars... not the Ronald Reagan missile defense system named after the movie. Unfortunately, I have not yet developed a ground- and space-based missile defense system to protect the Stewart Doghouse from attack by strategic deadly ballistic acorns launched by squirrels hiding in our backyard maple trees. But such a defense system is not far off, and I plan to give it a much cooler name than "Star Wars". I'm thinking more along the lines of Squirrel House Intruder & Terrorist Slayer (it's going to be the SHITS)! In the meantime, I'm sticking to my current strategic offense doctrine of mutual assured destruction (which seemed to have worked nicely for both the United States and Russia during The Cold War). Plus, I have sharks with laser beams attached to their heads ready to launch a subaquatic attack in the event of a nautical assault by a squirrel on water skis. Don't laugh... they're out there, and I have photographic evidence. But please don't tell the squirrels about my underwater defense plans... I want them to be surprised when Special Agent Jaws devours them.

Anyway, The Johnson Family returned for a visit from their windy death star - more commonly known as "Chicago". And the three Johnson Jedi Knights (Spencer, Blake and Nash) - accompanied by their mom, Princess Jane, and their Wookie dad (aka SexyFatDad101) - met up with Momma, Stew, Claire and Auntie Karen at the Science Museum of Minnesota
where a Star Wars exhibit was... well, being exhibited. And since Stew has led such a sheltered life, he knows very little about Star Wars and had no clue as to what a "Sith" is... why it's so angry... and, more importantly, why it holds such a grudge in that an entire movie has been dedicated to telling of its revenge (Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith). I'm not much of a Star Wars aficionado either, so I went online and took this test to determine which Star Wars character I am most like. While I fully expected to be tagged as Yoda or Obi-Wan Kenobi... you know, one of the wiser characters... it turns out I'm more like Billy Dee Williams (aka Lando Calrissian from Episodes V and VI)... probably 'cause Billy Dee is so dang cool and a smooooth ladies man. Plus, we both look damn good in a cape!

Stew claims the level of nerdiness of a Star Wars fan is just barely below that of a Trekkie (a fan of the 1960's TV series, Star Trek). While both types of fans generally live at home in their parent's basement, most Star Wars fans are still capable of carrying on an adult and coherent conversation with a stranger (some have even been known to talk to a girl). Trekkies, on the other hand, have no ability to communicate effectively with a non-Trekkie, so they tend to babble on about "the Federation" and eventually start talking gibberish (which they claim is actually Klingon language). Anyway, after the museum visit, the starfleet of jedis, wookies and princesses all headed over to Auntie Karen's friend's house for a dip in the pool and some tasty burgers. Thanks to Jeanne for having us over! And by "us", I mean "everybody but me..." However, Stew tells me Jeanne's husband, Jay, said I was welcome to come jump in their pool anytime (as long as I wear a swim suit).

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK... this time with stock options!
In a separate Star Wars like episode that actually started earlier in the week, Momma retrieved The Stewart Family Whiteboard from the closet for another series of Team Stewart meetings to discuss the family jewels (i.e., finances). Stew cried a little at first, but eventually composed himself long enough to take notes. In light of a slumping economy, higher gas prices, a crashing mortgage industry, and an apparent lack of career path at her current employer, Momma decided to enter into talks with the dark side of the Force (aka Momma's former employer, whose name I refuse to write in this blog for fear of reprisal from the dark lords who reign over said evil empire). The purpose of this series of family meetings was to decipher the best course of action to pursue for the benefit of Claire's future and Stew's addiction to Starbuck's iced mochas. To make a long story short -- yes, it can be done if I put my mind to it -- Momma has accepted a position of Director of Product Development for the dark side of the Force. We are quite excited for this new chapter of our Team Stewart life, although responses from family and friends to this announcement have been less than exuberant. But we understand hearing the words "Linda's going back to the dark side" do not evoke immediate words of encouragement and support. But those who know Momma best understand she has a never-ending drive to succeed and is fully capable of making good, sound decisions (notwithstanding her marrying Stew). Momma is pretty much the polar opposite of Stew, who prefers to lie on the couch munching Cheetos while trying to watch unwatchable television (i.e., The Tyra Show).

Momma wasn't always without a soul. She began life as a South Dakota farm girl. She attended a state college in Minnesota and started her career in SD state government before joining the MN Department of Health. After several years in public service, Momma was seduced by the dark side (i.e., the corporate world). Her boundless abilities fueled a sense of pride that eventually hastened her fall. She'd take on more responsibilities than her role within the enterprise would require. She viewed the phrase "That's not my job" as words of betrayal to the empire and a sign of weakness, and Momma would soon be known to take on any project thrown her way. In the chaos that accompanied Momma's rise to power, she became one of the empire's most loyal servants. But the birth of Claire brought a new perspective to Momma, and she left the evil empire in pursuit of a better work-life balance. Well, that didn't work out as planned as it seems "ruling the galaxy" and "work-life balance" are mutually exclusive. Therefore, Momma's heading back to the dark side come August.

Do you think George Lucas will make a gazillion movies based on Momma's life? For obvious reasons, I'm thinking Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie could play Stew and Momma respectively... and I would, of course, play myself since I have prior acting experience as the stunt dog in the movie, Underdog. I believe I'm ready for a speaking part now, Mr. Lucas, so have your people call my people and let's sniff out a deal. Arroooooh!

Unreliable sources

Well, I've finally done it. It was totally unintentional, but that still doesn't make it right. In fact, I'm incredibly embarrassed by my faux pas (emphasis on the "paw" sounding word). No, I am NOT referring to my refusal to post a picture of Stew's callipygian assets (emphasis on "ASSets") after he chose to bare his buttocks to the world... and by "the world", I mean the dozen people (formerly known as "Stew's friends") seated at the table facing Stew's posterior when he chose to moon the camera. Fear not, for my intention remains to never show the resulting photo on this blog or anywhere else for that matter. No, the mistake I'm referring to was using Stew as my single source of information when writing about the gifts he received the day of The FranDog 40 Fiasco. My failure to cross-check Stew's "facts" with another source (i.e., Momma) was clearly irresponsible journalism. It's exactly like Fox News using the daily fax the network receives from the White House press room as its (the network's) sole source of information. I have now become the Brit Hume of doggy bloggers, and I am disgusted.

Unfortunately, Lily the Beagle has already posted a correction to my error before I could write this blog entry. Thank you, darlin'! Last week was my summer break, so I took some time off from blogging about the things that matter most to you -- me... oh, and Claire. But now that I've returned, I need to point out that in my last post I mistakenly informed you that Aunt Dee (Rosemount) presented Stew with a wallet that has a picture of two kitties on its cover (and a $40 Starbucks gift card inside). However, it's come to my attention that said wallet and gift card came from my Aunt Susan and Uncle Kermit - two of the most wonderful human folk in the whole world (see photo at left: Susan is the gorgeous blonde... and Kermit is, well, he's NOT the gorgeous blonde... he's actually the guy standing next to her with a cat-that-ate-the-canary grin on his face). Uncle Kermit often has said grin on his face because he's usually up to no good. In fact, rumor has it that he's responsible for some mischievous activities (that I am not allowed to discuss) the night of The FranDog 40 Fiasco. Just be careful when Uncle Kermit is around, or you just might end up... well, again, I'm not allowed to say. Use your imagination.

Well, it's almost time for Stew to Swifter the floors... which means it's time for me to head to the basement and hide until the coast is clear (i.e., the Swifter sweeper thing is back in the closet where it cannot attack me). In the meantime, I leave you with a couple more photos from The FranDog 40 Fiasco weekend (compliments of Uncle Franny and his camera)...

A few victims who witnessed Stew's full moon the night of June 28th...

Claire and her Uncle Franny (Claire seems to have a "holy crap, look at the size of those nostrils" look on her face)...
Claire and her Uncle Jimmy (also known as Claire's favorite place to sit)...
Stew showing what he majored in at college: beer and shots...

Believe it or not, these were four highly-sought after T.F. Riggs High School studs back in the mid-80's. Oh, how times have changed. Nobody ever said 40 is pretty. And, YES, that's a Hello Kitty necklace around Stew's neck!

Stew's Booty

Don't worry... this post is not going to be about Stew's buttocks, so please remain seated until the post has completed its taxi down the blog runway to the terminal that is the sick side of your brain. Instead, I'm going to share some info about some of the bizarre gifts Stew received for his 40th birthday. But first, allow me to tell you about the nice, appropriate gifts Stew received... the ones that don't make the hair on the back of my neck stand up (more on that later in the post).

Aunt Dee (Florida) sent Stew a VERY cool package of goodies. The package included the latest David Sedaris book, When You Are Engulfed In Flames. Since Mr. Sedaris is Stew's favorite author (translation: basically the only author Stew reads because he still can't seem to get himself to read more books), this would be deemed an "appropriate" gift. Also included in the package were numerous pictures of Stew as a baby, a toddler, as well as photos of Stew with his feathered hair while in high school and college. And, probably the coolest thing of all, there was a copy of the First Edition of The Stewart Howler -- a newsletter published by Stew's Grandpa Forest A. Stewart on March 13, 1933, after the birth of Stew's Aunt Almita! For those who don't know, Stew is the editor/publisher of The Stewart Family Barker -- our own family newsletter mailed out at Christmas. Stew never knew his Grandpa penned a family newsletter, let alone called it The Stewart Howler. So, this was an extremely cool surprise! And speaking of cool... we also received two bottles of Valient wine from Momma's Aunt Lois and Uncle Gaylen from Sioux Falls, SoDak. The Valient grapes used to make the wine come from Momma's Uncle Chuck's vineyard in Utica, SoDak. Watch out, Robert Mondavi Winery... there's a new fine wine maker in town!

Additionally, Stew received a kick-arse 13" Calphalon frying pan that he's used everyday since Sunday. He also got a $40 Starbuck's gift card (which is already down to a $1.24 remaining balance), and a $40 Macy's gift card he's supposed to use to buy some nice shirts (but does Macy's sell vintage t-shirts?). Now, on to the weirdness...

One day, we received a package addressed to "Bogart Stewart". Inside the package was a single recipe card on which was handwritten the following: "Happy Birthday, Stew!" Along with the recipe card was a kitchen towel -- one of the HUGE white ones your mom and grandma own that have some sort of design hand-sewn on them (and we have about 10 of these towels ourselves). The design on this particular towel shows a tree stump. On the tree stump is an acorn, and next to the stump is a hammer-wielding squirrel who is about to crush the acorn. Now, I'm not sure if I'm to interpret this towel as a threat or a show of support. But what's really strange is the return address on the package. It was simply a street address that I Googled, which lead me to The Countryside Family Restaurant in Roseville, MN. Now, I'm not familiar with this fine establishment, and I don't know if someone who owns, manages or patronizes this place actually sent the package. But what I do know is the restaurant offers genuine Broaster chicken, and we'll be dining on a bucket of bird this 4th of July weekend. In the words of my least favorite Food Network star (Rachel Ray), "Yummo!"

The other gifts Stew received are of the variety that really get under my fur. The cat-related gag gifts that "some people" think are funny. But, as a dog warrior, I take very seriously my role as Protector of the House against all things evil -- cats, squirrels/rodents, postal carriers, vacuum cleaners and, of course, little old church ladies who come callin' at our house. And I find these gifts to be a slap upon my snout with a rolled up newspaper. Case in point, the KittenWar playing cards from Aunt Julie. Sure, I'll admit kittens are cute; however, they are simply miniature versions of true evil... sort of like the characters on the Comedy Central TV show, Lil' Bush. No good comes from kittens. And then there's the little wallet from Aunt Dee (Rosemount) that has a picture of two, cute kittens imprinted on its cover. Not cute... although the aforementioned Starbuck's gift card inside the wallet is very much appreciated. But Aunt Dee didn't stop there... she had the gall to also present Stew with a home-made Fox News.Com throw pillow (which I have since THROWN into the trash)!

Anyway, I'm confident I've missed a gift or two, so I apologize to anyone reading this blog who also presented Stew with a gift. Nonetheless, I've enlisted Claire's assistance in showing y'all the most horrendous gifts so you, too, can share in my utter rage for these despicable acts of betrayal. Aunts Julie and Dee (Rosemount), you are officially on notice. Consider yourselves warned!

Blog Poll Results: FranDog 40 Fiasco doesn't suck!

The results are in, folks... and as unbelievable as it might sound, The FranDog 40 Fiasco didn't suck. In fact, it was quite a success. I'll give you a minute to pull yourself up off the floor and back into your chair. I know this is difficult news to grasp. Are you ready? Okay.

It's true, and it seems as though most people who attended either the picnic and/or the party at the bar had a good time... especially the guy in this photo, who shall remain nameless 'cause nobody knows who he is. He just wandered into the picnic site, sat down and started drinking. And despite my cynicism, nobody ended up in the emergency room... nobody got thrown into the drunk tank... and nobody got naked in public (unless you count Stew baring his succulent buttocks for a photo opportunity at the bar). But don't worry... I don't have said photo, and I have not requested it from the photographer. Momma had great concerns that Stew would make a fool of himself at the picnic, but it seems he waited until he got to the bar to make an ass of himself (by showing his ass). Stew's birthday motto has always been: You can't drink all day unless you start in the morning! Luckily for all of us, he paced himself rather nicely during the day. Plus, the weather during the picnic was so nice that Stew and Momma decided to go swimming. Here's a photo of Momma in her bikini rubbing Stew's bulging (and old) belly. I know what you're thinking, and I have NO idea how Stew managed to convince Momma to marry him. I guess some things are beyond comprehension...

Everyone who showed up at the bar got to see and hear a phenomenal performance by Bus Nine (click the link to visit the band's MySpace page and buy some of their music)! Here's a photo of Bus Nine when they opened for the classic rock band, Kansas (don't quote me, but I think this photo was shot at a past Moondance Jam held in Walker, MN). Miraculously, both Uncle Franny and Stew made it until the bar closed at 2AM... although Stew was under the impression that Minneapolis bars close at 1AM, so he slowed his four-beer-per-hour intake down to just a single Mich Golden Draft Light after the clock struck 1AM.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your interest), Stew didn't take any photos at either event (except for one picture of some Aberdeen, SD, natives sitting at a picnic table during the picnic... these folks would not sign a waiver to have said photo published on the Internet). But, we have some cute pictures of Claire enjoying her time with Grandma Helen, who was the official babysitter (and dog-sitter) for the weekend. She did an outstanding job, and we are forever grateful for her assistance!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go lie down by the front storm door and await the postal carrier's arrival... at which time I will bark at him relentlessly until Stew comes to yell at me. I leave you with some awesome cuteness below!