Move over E.F. Hutton... Bogart Stewart is barking!

Now I'm no E.F. Hutton, but when I bark people seem to listen. Lately, a lot of people have been asking me, "Bogart, what's your advice to get through this latest financial disaster?" And when I say "a lot of people", I mean "nobody". Regardless, I've recently discovered my investment portfolio is virtually unaffected by the stock market or the sham "bail out" of Wall Street (or is it Main Street?). So, I thought I should share my advice with you lowly humanoids... and more on my advice in the next paragraph. But first off, let me be clear -- I am not an economist, nor do I know how to solve the latest Wall Street problem. My inclination is to allow banks and other companies who hold toxic assets (i.e., worthless mortgages) to fail because they made poor decisions (and/or lied about the value of those same assets -- I'm talking to you, Washington Mutual and Wacovia). If I make a poor investment decision, then I should expect to face the consequences, and this should be the same rationale by which we approach this proposed bail out. And since I have good credit, I seriously doubt I'll have a problem obtaining a loan to buy Stew a new lawn tractor (so he can keep our new lawn cut to a level low enough that grass tips don't tickle my poop depositing port when I do my business... because there's nothing worse than a tickle on your rear private area when you're trying to poo). Anyway, I don't know how to solve the credit market crisis, but I'm confident there are hundreds of economists and trustworthy bankers who do (if Congress would actually listen to them). I just don't think a bail out is the right answer. Then again, perhaps it's just too risky not to do the bail out because so many small businesses rely on the credit market for their payroll, etc... But what I am certain of is that regardless of what happens, if there's a bozo in Washington D.C. who is up for re-election who has an "Incumbent" behind their name -- they gotta go (especially MN Rep. Michelle Bachmann, pictured at right giving President Bush a good tongue lashing after a State of the Union Address). Bachmann is batshit crazy... and I thought Jesse Ventura was an embarrassment to our state! Minnesota's Congressional District 6 should check out THIS site before you vote in November. You can't stop the insanity without first stopping the insane! Say "NO!" to Bachmann...

So why am I so optimistic about my retirement savings? I'm glad you asked. I've found a risk-free high-return security instrument. It's bones -- listed as BNZ on the Canine Assets & Securities Holders Money Exchange (known in the dog world as the CASH Money Exchange). I don't want to bore you with the details. But I can guarantee you that no matter where I invest (aka "bury") my bones, I know they're always right where I left them. The only risk to my investment is a blind squirrel who thinks my bone is a nut and tries to run off up a tree with it. But I have ways of dealing with blind squirrels that involves improvised exploding acorns that you really don't need to know about.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go dumpster diving for cardboard boxes with Stew. When we went out last weekend, I made Stew agree to let me drive this time while he sloshes through the dumpster.

I leave you with pictures of Claire helping pack (note: this is not a box that was found inside any dumpster).
Here's Claire making her scary face... And here she is checking her packing list...

We're movin' on up, Weezie!

...but not to a deluxe apartment in the sky. Although, if Stew insists on chugging a large iced mocha each morning (made with whole milk and extra chocolate syrup), the thickening of his arteries will likely force him into a lease sooner than expected. Anyway, inquiring minds want to know where we will be moving on October 24th... and by "inquiring minds" I mean "Professor Mike Rios" (aka "Super Fan of the Dog Blog"). Well, here are some clues to the name of the 'burb where we'll be moving to: 1) the first inhabitants of this community are believed to have been Mound Builders... yikes! 2) The Dakota Sioux refer to this region as The Big Woods. 3) In the early 1800's, Jean-Baptiste Faribault established a trading post here (primarily to trade squirrel pelts). 4) In a 2007 national poll, this town was named The 8th Best City in the United States. Finally, 5) the town was obviously named after the theme song to the hit Bollywood movie, Kyaa Kool Hai Hum (English translation: We Are So Cool) - a movie about Karan Pandey and Rahul, two friends who work in a fashion designers office and live in a rented apartment. Unable to pay their rent, the two are evicted and hilarity ensues when they sneak back into the building. It's sort of like Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure meets Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle... but without all the weed.

Yes, you guessed it, we're moving to Chaska, Minnesota... the county seat of Carver County... a town of 17,449 people. No census data exists as to the number or rogue squirrels, but I suspect they are plentiful due to the aforementioned Big Woods and squirrel pelt trading references. I'm told we were hoping to move into either the Edina, Minnetonka or Wayzata school districts. But, as Stew put it, "Hello... Minnetonka... the 1980's called, and it wants all it's over-priced houses back!" I guess this means the houses in our price range that are located in Minnetonka require more updating than we want to perform (and I don't think Momma wants to wait another eight years for Stew to complete a remodeling project). But, there are whopping big houses in Chaska on large lots that are only about 10-15 years old. To prove my point, I leave you with some pictures of my new bathroom that Stew thinks he's going to use as a Bocce and Lawn Golf playfield. Boy, I cannot wait to destroy this grass with my toxic urine. Cheers!
And here's one of Claire getting ready to drive Stew to school yesterday...

Good Morning, Little Schoolgirl!

You guessed it - Claire started her fall semester of school last week. She attends a 90-minute class each Wednesday, and Stew tags along to carry her books and keep the little toddler boys away. There are about 12 kids in the class, including one little girl - Elizabeth - who Claire knew from spring semester. After their first class last Wednesday, Stew arrived home with an attitude. He was all in a huff because he didn't know any of the songs the new teacher sang to the kids. He practiced Hickory Dickory Dock, Five Little Squirrels, and the Hello, Claire songs all summer long only to find out the toddler class sings a whole new slew of songs. Plus, there's another stay-at-home dad in the class, so Stew's no longer the only eye candy in the classroom.

Today, Stew and Claire are going to decorate Claire's new school bucket. That's right - Claire has her very own school bucket. I guess we're supposed to fill the bucket with things that calm her down when Stew and the other parents separate from their kids and leave "the toddler room" and go to "the parent room". Apparently there's a condition called "separation anxiety" that can afflict some toddlers after they see their parent leave a room. My guess is Claire will handle the separation just fine and will likely lead the other toddlers in a Congo line. But, just in case, we're sending Claire's stuffed zebra, a bunch of Nuks (aka "pacifiers"), and her Walter the Farting Dog: Trouble At The Yard Sale soft cover book in her bucket.

Speaking of Claire, she hasn't allowed me to sit at the computer for longer than 20 minutes before trying to crawl into my lap and/or dancing around the office crying. So, needless to say I haven't been blogging much lately. Plus, I've got a hot date with the lipstick-wearing Pit Bull who lives down the street. She's not real bright and definitely isn't a deep-thinker, but her hottness causes one to look past all her faults. And she has a real knack for firing up the mindless cats in the neighborhood whenever she gives stump speeches in the park across the street -- regardless of the fact everything she says is either a lie or an ideology espoused by far right neo-cons who are responsible for the downward spiral the country has been in for the last eight years. But did I mention she has great legs? What Harry Truman asked in 1948 is extremely relevant today (listen up, lip-schtick lovers): How many times do you have to get hit over the head before you figure out who's hitting you?

Anyway, I've got some pictures from Claire's first day of school, plus a few more pictures of her with her Bucket-O-Zebra. Otherwise, there's not much more going on around here other than us finally buying a house. Have a great day!

And finally... I don't watch much Saturday Night Live anymore because it's simply not a funny show. However, in case you missed it, here's a clip of a humorous skit that started the show this past Saturday night. Well, at least it would be humorous if it weren't so eerily accurate...

Good-bye, Anarchy... Hello, Change?

They say, "The worst thing in the world next to anarchy is government". And by "they", of course I mean Henry Ward Beecher - 19th Century American preacher/writer/speaker - an advocate of women's suffrage, temperance and Darwin's theory of evolution. A foe of slavery and bigotry of all kinds (religious, racial and social), Beecher held that Christianity should adapt itself to the changing culture of the times. Abraham Lincoln once said of Beecher that no one in history had "so productive a mind".

So why all this talk of anarchy? Well, unless you've been living under a rock, you'll know the anarchists - calling themselves The RNC Welcoming Committee - were in St. Paul this week for the Republican National Convention (RNC). Anarchy is based on the belief that people are inherently good and can organize themselves without government or bureaucracies. Apparently the anarchists have never met Karl Rove. On the other hand, in the view of the RNC, the world is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions because of Godless liberals who earn less than $5 million per year. And by "biblical", I mean Old Testament real wrath of God type stuff... fire and brimstone coming down from the skies... rivers and seas boiling... forty years of darkness (well, four more years anyway)... earthquakes, volcanoes... the dead rising from the grave (to become our next president)... human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria! That's right - dogs and cats living together! Needless to say, I've been hiding under the bed all week while Stew's been running around the house with a slingshot yelling "Bring it on, hippies!" You see, Stew thinks anarchists are the same as hippies, plus Momma won't allow a gun in the house. So Stew fashioned himself a slingshot out of a cedar tree branch and one of Momma's bras.

Well, it looks like the anarchists got it wrong this time because the times they are a changin'! That's right. Instead of nominating a rich old guy to be the next president, the RNC nominated a REALLY old, REALLY rich guy for president. And he's running as "the change candidate" because replacing the word "Bush" with "McCain" in "Bush Economic Policy" and "Bush Foreign Policy" is somehow the equivalent of change. Who knew?

Anyway, I'm no politico... so I'll leave it to the experts. Here are some more fabulous clips from Jon Stewart to educate you in the event you don't watch cable news 24 hours a day like I do. I'm told Aunt Dee-Rosemount and Aunt Julie attended last night's taping of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and I just want to say to them - Hey, I'm sorry I missed your phone call inviting me to tag along... I must've had my ringer set to "off" or something.

And finally... here's yet more evidence of why Evangelicals should not be allowed to vote. I blame them for giving us eight years of Bush because Dubya said the seven words Evangelicals love to hear most out of their candidate - God told me to run for President. This is a clip of Pastor John Hagee, John McCain's spiritual advisor (or whatever). If ignorance is bliss, then they are the happiest people on earth (but it's so hard to tell because they always seem so angry). I wonder how this fella feels about stay-at-home dogs?