A Thankful Mutt

I guess I've been ripping on stupid people a little too much lately (i.e., Joe the Plumber and Sarah Palin). The other day, Stew says to me "Bogart, you can't build yourself up by breaking others down." He was simply repeating the phrase Momma says to him about every night after he screams profanities at the "idiot" contestants on Wheel of Fortune when the answer to the word puzzle is obvious. But, I suppose there's a bit of truth to what Momma says. I admit I've been a little holier-than-thou when it comes to ripping on people with whom I disagree, and 'tis the season to count your blessings rather than tossing folks under the bus.

That said, I want to share a couple commercials I found today on the YouTube. See if you can watch the entire clip without either falling off your chair in a laughter seizure OR screaming the words, "What the f____ was that!?!?!?!?!"

Wow, what a fine representation of a cross section of "Real America" - a bunch of unattractive, confused white people, and a black guy dressed up like a Puritan (or is he supposed to be an Amish person... or perhaps a Hutterite?). You tell me because I'm clueless. I've always thought black guys in Right Wing World were required to dress like pimps or gang members... or, more recently, as radical community organizers. And can you believe the announcer guy actually uses the word "articulate" to describe Sarah Palin? If Sarah Palin is articulate, then I guess that makes George W. Bush an oratory virtuoso. Anyway, today on Sean Hannity's Right Wing nutjob radio show (which I'm forced to listen to whenever Stew's in charge of the radio dial), Shamitty was reading some article about how Sarah Palin's popularity has grown beyond what anyone ever imagined. As if it's some sign of the times that people are ready for "real change" in the form of George W. Bush in high heels (notice I did not say lipstick on a pig). Apparently, what folks in Right Wing World fail to realize is that Palin's popularity is akin to the popularity of "Wolfboy" Prithviraj Patil of India. She's the freakshow of the 2008 political circus. Her popularity is like a political gawker slowdown on the John McCain Expressway... with people slowly driving by to take a look to see just how bad the accident that is Sarah Palin will turn out to be. Trust me - it's going to be bad, and Right Wingers will eventually start eating their own. It's going to be awesome to watch!

In the meantime, I'm thankful this holiday season that I do not live in Stew's Right Wing World - nor do a majority of my nearest and dearest friends - and I hold out hope for the rest of y'all! And I'm thankful the Right Wingers, despite their best efforts, have not completely ruined the country. Happy Thanksgiving!

P.S. My camera is currently charging, so I expect to FINALLY have more pictures of Claire after our trip to Grandma & Grandpa Thullner's farm in SoDak. Then again, Sarah Palin might open her mouth this holiday weekend, and I'll be forced to post yet another politically-charged blog entry. Until then, I leave you with a photo of Claire and Grandma Helen that was taken when we moved into our new doghouse last month.

A cable box... my kingdom for a cable box!

Ever since moving to THE LAND of CHASKA, we elected to scale back our cable subscription to what I believe is called "standard cable". Translation: "we" (Momma and Stew) thought it was a splendid idea to save about $40 a month and get rid of all the good channels. Now I no longer have access to MTV, so I have no idea what the girls of The Hills are up to. I keep on the lookout for some 21 year old hot babes running around our Bavaria Hills neighborhood, but all I ever see 'round here are little rug rats! Anyway, most tragic of all is that I don't get to watch Comedy Central (The Daily Show and The Colbert Report) or the FX Channel and shows like, The Shield... It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (funniest show on TV)... Damages... and Rescue Me. The downside for Stew is that without the Fox News Channel, he simply wanders around the house all day muttering phrases like, "Who's going to tell me how I should think now?" So, now we're forced to watch "normal" network television. You know -- ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox and a few other channels. And now that I've been watching these channels for three weeks, I have a few questions for those of you out there who might know the answers:

1) Can someone please explain the popularity of House and/or The Mentalist? How are either of these shows so highly rated when they are clearly unwatchable? Are there really that many crackheads out there watching TV? If you watch these shows, then please stop so they will go away. Oh, and my god, why is ER still on the air?

2) Where did Sherri Shepherd come from (pictured here)? More importantly, how quickly can we send her back? I guess she's been on The View for a while now, but I've only been watching the show consistently for a few weeks. Regardless, I can honestly say she must be the dumbest person who is paid (a lot of money) to be on television. She is the Joe the Plumber of The View in that whenever she opens her mouth, something incredibly stupid comes out. And I always thought Elizabeth Hasselbeck was the moron on this show. Go figure...

Speaking of Joe the Plumber... I heard he got a book deal. Really? So let me get this straight. A dog with the ability to write and manage his own blog can't get a book deal while an unemployed imbecile who believes tax cuts for millionaires and billionaires is somehow better than getting his own tax cuts can? Unbelievable. The next thing you're gonna tell me is that airhead Sarah Palin is going to get a book deal, too. What's that? Excuse me. Really? You're kidding, right? Ohhhhh... why does god hate me so much (it's a rhetorical question Right Wingers... you need not answer)? Check this out... it appears Palin stands to make about $500,000 per minute for her 15 minutes of fame. I swear that throughout the end of the McCain campaign, I kept expecting McCain to jump in front of a camera with Ashton Kutcher at his side and scream, "Y'all just been punk'd, yo!" At least that would've explained why he made such an unbelievably poor choice for his running mate.

And who doesn't think of a turkey whenever hearing the words Sarah and Palin? Well, unless you're a Right Winger, you've probably already seen the video below. Apparently Governor Palin ceremoniously pardoned a turkey (to spare it from demise just days before Thanksgiving) then gave an interview to a local Alaskan TV news station... while a turkey was being slaughtered directly behind her. I just wish there were sounds of a screaming turkey to cover up the shrill noise that is Sarah Palin's voice. I need a drink... I'll bark at y'all next week. And don't worry - I finally found my camera and plan to get back to posting pictures of little Claire so you Right Wingers (aka Stew's family and Pierre, SD friends) can finally return to reading the blog. Later...

Yes, We Did!

So what if I'm a little late with my post-election blog entry? But I've been busy going through boxes trying to find my delicious Breath Buster dog biscuits. You see, Momma is always complaining about my dog breath, so I get to eat these biscuits that are supposed to help my breath (which they don't). Anyway, I have to constantly remind Momma that I am, in fact, a dog that takes breaths several times throughout the day. Therefore, it's safe to assume I will possess "dog breath". Anyway, I overheard Momma yesterday asking Stew to put "schedule a teeth cleaning for Bogey" on his To Do list. The two of them attempted to brush my teeth last night, but I juked and jived until I made my way to the safety of the mudroom, where I raised a paw and waved it side-to-side while barking, "Oh no you didn't!" Unfortunately I have yet to locate my magic lasso to use on Stew to force him to tell me where he's hiding my dog breath doggy biscuits!

I've also been quite busy in these post-election days living in Right Wing World by listening to the likes of radio "personalities" Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity (who I like to refer to as Uber-douchebags). Trust me when I tell you Right Wing World is an extremely scary place where you are not allowed to think for yourself. Luckily, you need only turn on the radio or flip on Fox News Channel to learn everything you need to know to be a good Right Winger. For example, in Right Wing World, the failing economy is apparently "President Obama's" fault... sort of like how the 9-11 attacks were Bill Clinton's fault, even though Dubya ignored a briefing paper given to him by the Clinton Administration stating "Bin Laden Determined to Attack Within the United States"... and even though the attacks occurred well into Dubya's first term as president. And correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe Obama doesn't actually become "President Obama" until mid-January 2009. Then again, facts are irrelevant in Right Wing World. In fact, just yesterday I learned in Right Wing World that Obama is using fear to push his policies forward. Really? If this is true, I wonder how life will be living in a country under the leadership of a fear-mongering administration? YIKES!

About a month before Election Day, I intercepted a Right Wing World email correspondence meant for Stew (who still lives in La-La Land). The purpose of the email was to inform him that "This is the scariest election we as Christians have ever faced, and from the looks of the polls, the Christians aren't voting Christian values. We all need to be on our knees!" You have to remember that Obama is a Muslim (i.e., terrorist) in Right Wing World, while McCain is... Methodist? Lutheran? Well, we're not sure what religion he is but it really doesn't matter because he was a POW (not to mention he's a white dude). The email goes on to encourage Stew to spend one hour each day praying "that the Bible will remain the basis for the laws governing our land..." Who needs that silly Constitution, right? Well, Right Wingers, God has given you his answer hasn't he? Now can we please keep the televangelists in their churches (where they belong) and out of the White House? And to show God still has a sense of humor, he (or she) allowed bat-shit crazy Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann to remain in Congress for two more years. I fell off my doggy bed when I heard the news... good one, God!

So, it's my hope this will be my last politically-oriented posting for a while so I can get back to telling you stories about Claire. Then again, I might have something to say about Al Franken in the coming days or weeks. In the meantime, I leave you with Change We Can Believe In... even Right Wingers! I'm not sure anyone knows, but I was elected Bavaria Hills Neighborhood Watch President. I ran unopposed, and I'm currently the only member of the organization. But I saw a squirrel's nest high atop a tree in our backyard shortly after we moved in, and I felt it was my duty to serve. I protected Robbinsdale for two years, and now it's my honor to protect the Bavaria Hills neighborhood of Chaska. You're welcome!

Very Frightful Night(s)

Now that the internet goblins have finished chewing on the local Chaska Wi-Fi cables, I can finally return to my blogging. And for you techno-geeks (aka "Uncle Kermit"), I realize Wi-Fi is just the trade name for the popular wireless technology used in home networking, mobile phones, video gaming and other electronic devices that require some form of wireless networking capability... in particular the various IEEE 802.11 technologies... and there are no actual internet cables coming into our home, but I feel the interruption to our internet service during the Halloween weekend can only be explained by goblins chewing on network cables (or possibly George W. Bush mistaking Wi-Fi equipment for a delicious little kitten - I just LOVE this picture). In the words of the most annoying Food Network celebrity, "Yummo!"

So, where do I begin? How 'bout at Halloween? Claire informed us that she would rather distribute cavity-making food to the little neighborhood turds - I mean, "children" - instead of walking around the neighborhood dressed up in a costume while her Papa Stew follows closely behind carrying an open 12-pack of Budweiser. Most of the dads who showed up at our house were merely carrying one or two cans of beer, but Stew has always enjoyed the phrase "go big or go home!" Anyway, Claire dressed up in a polyester suit that Momma wore when she was 2-years old. Earlier in the day, Stew almost bought Claire a pimp hat but decided it was probably inappropriate. It's true... Stew is actually capable of making the right decision but simply chooses to rarely exercise the frontal lobe of his brain (where the ability to recognize future consequences resulting from current actions - or to choose between good and bad actions - takes place). Anyway, Claire helped Momma hand out candy while meeting a few of our neighbors. But not once did a neighborhood mom or dad comment on Claire's "costume"; therefore, we've concluded that all our neighbors think we dress Claire in 30+ year old hand-me-downs... and we can't afford shoes for her (she just likes to go barefoot).

Last Saturday night, Momma and Stew attended a Halloween costume party in Chanhassen (the 'burb just up the road from Chaska). Momma dressed up like Governor Sarah Palin while Stew went as Joe Six-Pack. Momma's costume cost about $9.99 (the cost of the Tina Fey glasses). Stew had to buy a mullet wig and a Lynyrd Skynyrd cap, but he owned everything else (including his original hideously crooked, yellow teeth). His bowling shirt was compliments of Uncle "Wild" Max Fjelstad, the original owner of JoeHouse Coffee House in Brookings, SD. Max and his family moved to Alaska a couple years ago and can confirm their governor is less than impressive. And Stew created the pins they wore on their costumes:










Momma and Stew also wore nametags with "Sarah" and "Joe", respectively. Unfortunately, I'm told the first three people who saw Stew (and at least 3-4 more people throughout the night) referred to Stew as "Joe the Plumber". Now, I'm assuming these folks have never seen Joe the Plumber, the bald-headed dumbass from Ohio who - according to John McCain - "...didn't ask to be famous" yet could be found at press conference after press conference, not to mention multiple McCain-Palin rallies. I'm sorry, but I hate that guy. Anyway, Stew was pretty sure that if he wore a mullet and carried a six-pack of Budweiser silos (which are 16oz beers for you non-redneck lingo speakers) that people would immediately recognize him to be Joe Six-Pack. Oh well. There were several other scary moments when a few people shouted to Momma, "Hey, Sarah! I'm voting for ya!" Yikes... I wonder what they were drinking? Me? I'll take the Obama Kool-Aid! There was also another Sarah Palin at the party who looked less like Governor Palin than Momma does, but the other Sarah had a semi-automatic machine gun and a baby as part of her costume that I thought was a nice touch. When Joe Six-Pack met this other Sarah Palin, the following conversation took place:

Sarah Palin: "Joe, you have bad teeth!"
Joe Six-Pack: "Well... I can't afford insurance."
Sarah Palin: "That's okay... I want to give everyone insurance!"
Joe Six-Pack: "Are you sure? That sounds a lot like 'socialism' to me."
Sarah Palin: (doesn't say anything)
Joe Six-Pack: "I think Obama's the one who wants to make sure everyone has insurance... you're plan leaves several million households uninsured."
Sarah Palin: (still doesn't say anything)
Joe Six-Pack: "But I would rather live without health insurance than live under a socialist like Obama!"
Sarah Palin: "Right on, Joe!" (pointing machine gun upward and firing multiple rounds into the ceiling before walking away)

Stew and Momma also met a couple of nice painters who were together... handing out Obama pamphlets. Obama '08! Stew drank too many Bud silos (through a straw because of his teeth) to remember their names, but one of them was dressed as Vincent van Gogh. She had a bandage around her head with blood stains where her missing ear should be (she carried the severed ear in a little box). Apparently Joe Six-Pack didn't realize it was a costume, so he continually shouted at her for fear she couldn't hear his words... sort of like how Stew and my Grandpa Bob speak louder, slower and with less adjectives or adverbs whenever Grandpa's German-speaking Austrian cousins come to the U.S. to visit (examples: "We go to town now." or "We go town drink beer, yes."). There were also an extraordinary number of pimps at the party, as well as some woman with a black eye (wearing a nametag that said, "Hello... my name is Susan"). Joe Six-Pack leaned in to Sarah Palin (Momma) and asked, "What's with the woman with the Susan nametag who has a black eye?" Momma just sort of looked at him and replied, "Ummm... she's a black-eyed Susan."

Anyway, following are several more pictures from the night... including a VERY inappropriate photo of Joe Six-Pack with Hannah Montana (who I'm told is some sort of hillbilly version of Britney Spears... is that even possible?).

Here's what's on the front of Joe Six-Pack's t-shirt

Palin vs. Palin
Joe Six-Pack meets Billy Ray Cyrus (Billy Ray and his daughter, Hannah Montana, shared the "Best Costume" award with a woman dressed as a One Night Stand)

Joe Six-Pack with Hannah Montana (I'm definitely going to Hell for posting this one...)
And here's the One Night Stand lady (notice the torn condom wrapper, not to mention the panties dangling from the table lamp)

Wassup?

I've been having Internets problems in the Chaska... meaning, I haven't been able to blog. However, I have some stuff to tell y'all about. In the meantime, enjoy this uplifting take on a classic Budweiser commercial (compliments of Uncle Kermit).