How to start each day with a positive outlook

If you're like me, then you're in dire need of a shave... especially in those "hard to reach places". Plus, you're completely fed up with politicians of both parties making promises that will undoubtedly require the taxpayers to write checks our butts can't cash. Or, in the case of Insane in the Membrane More of the McSame McBush McCain - starting wars our butts can't fight without a draft. Now, I don't particularly enjoy putting my political views on display at this blog. And despite my left-leaning ways, there are still some Republicans I actually respect on a political level (i.e., Uncle StewCat?). However, neither Bush nor Cheney fall within that category since they're both treasonous assmonkeys (definition: A disagreeable idiot who has successfully combined being an asshole with the brainpower of a monkey fed LSD.). Therefore, enjoy the following tip I received from Grandpa & Grandma Thullner. I find it to be of value:

1. Open a new file on your computer.
2. Name it "George Bush".
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of 'George Bush'?"
6. Firmly Click "YES!!!"
Feel better?
GOOD! Tomorrow we'll do Dick Cheney!

It's official

After just 139 short days on the market...

I Ain't Got Time To Bleed (or blog)

Here's the deal - I have a lot going on in my life right now. I've had a slew of humans traipse through my doghouse over the course of the last couple weeks... I've had a squirrel that goes by the name "Rocky" send me a greeting card postmarked in Michigan... I picked up a bucket of Broaster chicken from The Countryside Family Restaurant in St. Paul and found a note taped inside my carryout bag warning me about little devils wearing fur coats (also known as "hedgehogs")... plus, Grandpa Bob and Grandma Helen were here from Thursday night until Monday afternoon. So, I've been busy. And, now I have to go with Claire and Stew to go conduct drive-by surveillance on some neighborhoods we're looking at moving into. My main concern is tree coverage because evil lurks within the darkness of the tree's shade. And you can quote me on that.

In the meantime, look at how darn cute Claire is at 22 months old!

The Peter Karl Invitational - 2008 Edition

This weekend, Momma, Claire and Stew are off to luxurious Waubun, MinneSOOOta. Waubun, a community of about 400 people and 52 dogs, is a town in Mahnomen County "up north". The community name derives from the Ojibway Tribe term for "morning" or "east". The latitude of Waubun is 47.180N, and the longitude is -95.938W. It's in the Central Standard time zone, and it's (current) elevation is 1,240 feet above sea level. And, as can be seen on the attached graph, the average snowfall level for August is zero... zilch... notta. Waubun is home to John and Diana Karl and the Peter Karl Invitational -- a lawn golf, disc golf and croquet tournament that is not for the timid (and did I mention there's usually beer involved?). When I think Peter Karl Invitational, I envision Bobby Kennedy chasing his older brother, Jack, across the south lawn of the Kennedy Compound in The Hamptons during a touch football game being played on a warm summer afternoon in the 1950's. But then I'm jolted awake by reality and the image to the left pops into my head. I'm told Uncle Matt has finally trimmed his mullet, Uncle Kermit recently bought a new v-neck t-shirt that is not yet soiled with pork-n-beans juice stains, Uncle Russell was told to wear pants at all times, Uncle Peter has promised to use the indoor bathroom this year (rather than the flower pot next to the patio), and all the "ladies" are required to wear a bra (or tube top) - no exceptions! But all these new rules still don't bring me much comfort. Cue the banjo music...

Anyway, I'm not attending the Peter Karl Invitational this year. Instead, I'm chillin' with my boy, Remmy, at Aunt Dee's (Rosemount) doghouse. I love it here because nobody forgets to feed me, plus I get to play with my favorite black lab buddy. In fact, Remmy's helping me type this post since there's not an opposable thumb between us. But did I mention Sammy the Cat is also here? There's not much I can do about since I'm actually a guest here and, as you can see, he's quite handsome. I like to annoy Sammy by refusing to "flush" after I use his bathroom. He is not amused. Have a nice weekend, y'all!

Drill this!

UPDATE: I added some more research, compliments of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
---------------------------------------------
I just finished checking the pressure of all the tires on our family vehicles, including Claire's Jeep brand stroller. Plus, I think Momma has a 50,000 mile tune-up scheduled for her Nazi-wagen Passat, so I think we're all set. But, I've been meaning to blog about Obama's crazy idea about oil conservation... you know, the one where he says keeping your car tires inflated and engine properly maintained will increase fuel efficiency, thereby helping to lower gas consumption. I mean, where does he get this load of crap and why does he think anyone would actually take personal responsibility to help conserve energy? Someone needs to remind Obama about Jimmy Carter and his cardigan sweater (Google it, folks!). Besides, any educated person - as well as Right Wing lunatics like Newt Gingrich - can tell you that the only way forward is to drill here and drill now! I actually support drilling (such as on the 68 million acres already permitted to the oil companies), and that's why I plan to start drilling in our backyard. The feds seems to enjoy handing out billions of dollars in tax credits and other incentives to anyone willing to drill, so I'm on-board with this plan. Plus, there's a good chance I might find that steak bone I buried out there last spring that has gone missing... probably stolen by a squirrel.

Anyway, I did some research and found more information about Obama's insane (not to be confused with "McCain") automotive maintenance tips. Leave it to Stephen Colbert to set the record straight.

What's happening?

I don't know what it is, but I just can't seem to get into the bloggin' spirit these days. I think I've been hanging around Stew too long, and now all I want to do is lie around the house licking myself. But, hopefully, my four faithful bloggees are still out there in the blogosphere reading my scattered rantings. Perhaps if I borrow a few Pink Floyd words, I can reach them:

Hello, hello, hello...
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone at home?

Or maybe Pink Floyd's not your thing, in which case I can always lean on some great Lionel Richie lyrics. Besides, I have a sneaky suspicion there's a higher likelihood of my bloggees owning a Lionel Richie album rather than anything from the collection of Pink Floyd "space rock". Anyway... Hello?

I've been alone with you inside my mind,
And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times.
I sometimes see you pass by my blog door...
Hello, is it me you're looking for?

Cause I wonder where you are,
And I wonder what you do.
Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart,
For I haven't got a clue.
But let me start by saying, "I love you..."

Now that I've sufficiently loaded the first half of this blog entry with drivel, I can get on to the business of telling you what's been happenin' 'round here.

Momma and her gal pals had a jam session two weekends ago. They really got down with their bad selves and made a crapload of mixed berry jam. Aunts Veronica and Michelle drove from Fargo to join Momma, Claire and Aunt Susan at our house. Momma created a production flowchart designed to maximize jam output by implementing a process of individual skillset optimization. In other words, Aunt Veronica was in charge of keeping wine glasses full and staying out of the way. Meanwhile, Uncle Kermit and Stew went golfing... where Stew set the land speed record for losing four balls on Hole #1 of Theo Wirth Golf Course. He also came close to tying his record of losing an entire 12-ball box of balls before "the turn" (for you non-golfers, "the turn" is the area between Hole #9 and Hole #10 where time stands still long enough for golfers to down a beer and a bratwurst before continuing on their quest to master an unmasterable game). Afterwards, the two duffers went to a local pub where they met up with a couple "friends" to play a couple rounds of Big Buck Hunter. And by "friends", of course I mean "strippers". Unfortunately, due to the presence of the strippers, neither Stew nor Kermit did very well. I'm told they both kept shooting prematurely (at the deer on the arcade game screen, that is).

In other news, Momma climbed into her Millennium Falcon spaceship this morning (aka "Volkswagen Passat"... Wookie co-pilot not included). Today is her first day of work at the Death Star that is ________ ________ (insert the name of the evil empire that I refuse to mention on this blog ever again). Meanwhile, Stew is currently Swiftering our hardwood floors while babbling something about "Bogart and his [bleeping] dog fur and paw prints... blah, blah, blah." You see, we need to keep the house clean. We recently adjusted the price of our house to better reflect current market conditions (i.e., we bent over to prepare for a spanking). Doing so has led to an increase in the number of house showings we've had. In fact, we're waiting on another offer from a showing we had last week. I remain optimistic since this particular party inquired as to if we could close on the house later in the year in order to give them time to come up with more cash for a down payment. Based on every previous offer we've had, none of the parties had any down payment money since they were all using a housing program that makes the seller responsible for a large chunk of the down payment.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go roll around on the living room throw rug Stew just vacuumed before I go shake dog hair in every other room of the house. Smell ya later!

Dog tired

The lazy days of summer continue... Claire has a new wading pool, plus we've had a few more house showings in the last week. Therefore, I've been spending more time outside the house lately and less time at the blogging machine. That said, it's easier to just post stuff written by other people. For example, here's a clip from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart... also known as the place where I get most of my political news since the "real" news sources cannot be trusted to actually (gulp) report the news. I equate getting your news from the corporate media to getting your automotive maintenance done at the car dealership. In either scenario, you're getting sold a load of garbage you don't need. That's why I go to Jon Stewart. He's my favorite neighborhood grease monkey (no offense to any grease monkeys out there who are offended by the term "grease monkey"). Please enjoy the clip!