Thinning the herd

Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. With no natural predators to thin the herd, it began to reward those who reproduced the most and left the intelligent to become an endangered species. This idiom has never been more true than today, particularly within the entertainment business (and don't get me started on Washington, D.C.). We need to start thinning the herd. At every turn, you find yet another untalented person who is, for reasons unknown, considered "famous". It seems to me the quickest and easiest path toward success in Hollywood involves any one of the following (increase your chances of stardom by combining as many of these as possible):

1) Create and market a sex tape (while pretending not to know about the existence of said tape). The mere existence of a sex tape is all that matters. Unfortunately, from what I've seen - and trust me when I say I've conducted a fair amount of research on this subject - "talent" is not a prerequisite for having a successful sex tape. Apparently it's all in the marketing, which I find highly disappointing and just downright wrong! I wonder if I can sue them for false advertising for using words like "hot" and "sexy" to describe the tapes?
2) Have a famous mommy and/or daddy... once again, talent is secondary and - in most cases - not even a requirement. You'll achieve even more fame if you're a complete asshat, and you'll rocket to success if you team up with someone as equally vile as you (anyone remember Paris & Nicole?).
3) Get yourself cast on a reality TV show - ideally a show on MTV - and do your very best to be the biggest douchebag on the show (which is way easier said than done because all reality shows are full of douchebags).
4) Be a fairly talented child with a parent more concerned about making you into a star than they are in actually raising you to become a decent person and productive contributor to society. This will almost certainly insure you a spot on the Disney Channel and/or Nickelodeon.

Seriously! Have any of you ever heard the Jonas Brothers perform? I've seen them on Ellen (the Ellen Degeneres Show) a couple times, as well as once on some stupid awards show. I have nothing against these fine, young, wholesome lads. However, in each instance, I was shocked and dismayed at how horrible they sound. Yet they are the biggest musical act in the business right now. Seriously, none of them can sing. So why are they so famous? Well, they're probably a poor example, but I don't really want to post a picture of Hannah Montana or any of Lynn Spears' daughters on the blog. And Lynn Spears wrote a book about raising kids? I say a blogging dog is more interesting than a hick from my home state of Louisiana. Where the heck's my book deal!

Anyway, I just wanted to post this entry to encourage my four faithful readers to join me in helping to thin the Hollywood herd by boycotting any product or TV show that directly or indirectly benefits anyone who is famous for no discernible reason (except for The Hills TV show on MTV... those kids are darling!). No, I'm talking more about people like Kim Kardashian... and her entire family for that matter. Kudos to Kim for her ability to successfully achieve three out of the four aforementioned steps to instant stardom. After reading THIS post about Ms. Kardashian today at The Superficial (bar none THE best celebrity gossip website on the planet), I decided to visit her personal site and post a comment congratulating her on her success.

Anyway, there's really no other reason for this blog entry. And I'll bet a bunch of you thought I was going to blog about the attendees at the CPAC (Conservative Political Action Committee) Conference currently underway in Washington, D.C. Well, I'd love to dedicate some time to this topic, but I've already alienated most of Stew's family due to my left-leaning ways. So, I should probably keep my trap shut for a bit.

Scooby Doo vs. The Bratz

Well, Momma stayed home sick from work today... although she still participated in about four hours worth of conference calls while lying on the floor in her robe with one hand continuously massaging her forehead and temples. So since Claire was in good hands, Stew and I decided to run over to the local Denny's and grab some breakfast. Stew ordered a Grand Slam Breakfast, while I elected to go with their newest special, The Octo-Mom Plate (named after the strange, Daffy Duck look-a-like who just gave birth to eight babies). It's a new breakfast offered at Denny's. It includes 14 eggs, no sausage, and the guy at the next table pays for it.

As you might recall, Claire and Stew attend school for 90 minutes on Wednesday mornings. This week, Stew was beaming when he entered the house after school. No, it wasn't because Claire completed multiple art projects. Side note: anytime a toddler squiggles a mark on any sort of piece of paper, the teacher's aide sends the paper home with the parent... so, Stew came home with four pieces of paper yesterday, each with a series of brown crayon scribbles on them. So watch out, Pablo Picasso! Anyway, the topic of discussion in this week's parent's class was "Media: Yesterday versus Today". They talked about how cartoon characters from the "olden days" were less violent (such as, The Roadrunner) and more wholesome (like the bunch of pot-smoking, jobless, ambiguously gay, meddling kids and their mystery-solving dog named, "Scooby") while today's cartoons depict mouthy, bootylicious, whorish, young girls (I think they call them "Bratz"). They also discussed how much "screen time" is appropriate for two and three year olds. That's when one mom said, "We don't watch TV at our house... except for when we watch Fox News." They don't just watch the news, they watch "Fox News". This apparently thrilled Stew to no end, so now I think he has a secret crush on her.

Before heading out the door for school each Wednesday, Claire packs her "school bucket". The bucket is used to carry Claire's favorite items in the event she ever has a meltdown due to separation anxiety after song time (after song time, the parents say "good-bye" to the toddlers and go to a separate room where they smoke cigarettes and play poker using coupons instead of poker chips). Anyway, Claire always puts her zebra "Zebby" in the bucket, along with a nuk/binky/pacifier and a miniature Dr. Seuss book from Aunt Dee (Florida). Although Claire has only had one meltdown (on her first day of school here in Chaska), she still takes the bucket with her. In fact, she won't go to school without her bucket. So here's a picture of Claire holding her bucket and wearing the glasses Momma wears whenever she "puzzles" (puzzling = the nerdy act of putting together a puzzle with my Uncle Peter Karl). In the photo, Claire is clearly smiling. However, please note her natural smile looks nothing like this, but this is the face she makes when directed to "smile" for a picture.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays, Claire and Stew head to Tot Time at "the gym" (the Chaska Community Center). Claire especially loves to look through the big glass windows that overlook the huge indoor swimming pool and waterslide. Plus, there are always elderly ladies aquacising in the pool who enjoy waving at Claire after she starts banging on the window. But Claire's favorite part of going to the gym is "hoops!" If you ask Claire what she does at the gym, she will say "hoops!" So, it appears Stew's dream of making Claire into a star basketball player for the University of Minnesota is becoming a reality. Claire has her very own ball, and Stew even took a Sharpie and wrote Claire's name on it (as if some other 2-1/2 year old is going to steal the ball from Claire and run out of the gym with it). When Claire's not shooting hoops, she enjoys building bridges with foam cushions and running or jumping across them. Stew's favorite activity at Tot Time is to make all the moms in the gym feel REALLY uncomfortable by staring at them. And since the Tot Time gym is located on the 2nd Floor of the community center, it overlooks another basketball court. So Stew also enjoys watching what he describes as "nerds trying to play basketball" in the court below. His favorite moment is after someone actually puts the ball through the hoop and a slew of high fives ensues. "Have you ever watched a bunch of nerds trying to high five each other?" Stew once asked me. "It's hilarious!" Apparently nerds don't have the hand-eye coordination of an award-winning seller of high-quality, modestly-priced furniture who was a mediocre player but still co-captain of his high school basketball team and will never let anyone ever forget it. Ever.

In other news, one of my favorite comics - Demetri Martin - has his very own show, Important Things with Demetri Martin. If you've never seen Demetri, then I encourage you to seek out one of his shows on Comedy Central or at a comedy club near you. Part of his stand-up routine involves the use of a flip-chart (click the picture so you can read the flip-chart). And as any good Chaska Stewart Family member can tell you, there's a lot of utility in a good flip-chart or whiteboard (Momma uses words like "utility" and "dyad" and "stratification" whenever we have our weekly Team Stewart meetings, and she encourages all of us to use such words in sentences as often as possible). Anyway, Demetri's new show airs Wednesdays at 9:30pm (CST) on Comedy Central... just before The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I've yet to watch an entire episode because I keep forgetting that it's on, but I did catch the following skit from last night's show. I enjoyed it so much, I decided to share it with y'all. Please enjoy!

Important Things with Demetri MartinWed 10:30pm / 9:30c

Brains - Greatest Minds

Joke of the Day
Stand-Up Comedy

Free Online Games
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Here's another one I like...

Important Things with Demetri MartinWed 10:30pm / 9:30c

Power - Jokes About Power

Joke of the Day
Stand-Up Comedy

Free Online Games
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Unchain my heart

As a dog, I'm not a big fan of chains. While I've never been chained up to a tree or even tied by any means to an immovable object (unless you count my being on a leash held by an out-of-shape Stew), I still cringe at the site of a dog being restrained by any means. I extend my disdain for chains to chain emails, which typically consist of a message that attempts to induce the recipient to pass along a copy of the email to as many other gullible people as possible. Common methods used in chain emails include emotionally manipulative stories, get-rich-quick schemes, or the exploitation of superstition to threaten the recipient with bad luck or even physical violence or death if he/she "breaks the chain" and refuses to adhere to the conditions set out in the email. Such as, "If you don't forward this email that proves Obama is a Muslim/terrorist/elitist/radical/socialist/foreigner [insert the latest Right Wing anti-Obama talking point here], then puppies will die!"

Well, following is a chain email I received from Stew's Aunt Almita. It's the kind that includes an emotionally manipulative message, and I'm buying it hook, line and sinker! In fact, I think it's an awesome email, and I encourage everyone to do as directed. Read it below, and if you don't adhere to the conditions set out within the message, then puppies WILL surely die. Don't be a puppy killer!

This is pretty simple... Please tell ten friends to each tell a further ten today!

The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily so they can meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute (about 15 seconds) to go to their site and click on the purple box "Fund food for animals for FREE".

This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising.

Here's the web site! Please pass it along to people you know. http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/

Desperate for a Hint from Heloise

So I'm watching Fox and Friends this morning on the Fox News Channel because I apparently hate myself and have no sense of dignity. Plus, Stew was watching the show, and I'm unable to change the channel with the remote due to a lack of an opposable thumb (good one, God... I really appreciate your qwirky sense of humor). For those fortunate enough to have never seen the show, allow me to tell you a little about its three hosts. Before I do so, let me just say I'm sympathetic to Fox News. You see CBS, ABC, NBC, MSNBC, CNN and PBS are all staffed by snobs who got their masters degrees in Journalism from schools like Columbia University. But Fox prefers to hire common folk (as long as they're Republican). Good people. The guy/gal next door types... who you hide from in your garage when you see them outside watering their lawn or shoveling their walk because you really don't want to talk to them. First there's Steve Doocy, who I think was a weather man or reporter from Kansas before moving to New York City and Fox, and I don't think it's a coincidence his last name rhymes with "douchie". Then there's Brian Kilmeade, who's every bit as stupid, uneducated, and unlikable as he pretends to be. Lastly, we have Minnesota's own Gretchen Carlson. She's the 1989 Miss America, and I'm still waiting for her to provide solid evidence that she graduated from Stanford and studied abroad at Oxford as her bio claims. Seriously, she's an imbecile. FYI - I stole most of this bio info from another blogger who apparently can't stand Fox and Friends either [source]. Anyway, there was a point to this story that I've since forgotten since watching this unwatchable morning show has turned my brain to mush... which I guess makes me an ideal candidate to host my own show on Fox. Heck, I could just lie on a couch and lick myself for three hours, and I still think Fox viewers would tune in. Note to self: call Fox News about my Breakfast with Bogey pitch.

So what I'm REALLY interested in learning from you is a solution for getting spaghetti sauce stains out of Claire's clothes. I've soaked her shirts in Oxy Clean for about three days now but to no avail. And since the shirts are not white, I can't try using bleach. A close confidant has told me I'm basically screwed because the sauce will never come out. Stew makes his own homemade pasta sauce, so I asked him what he puts in it to make it so toxic. He claims it's simply onions, garlic and crushed red pepper sauteed in olive oil followed by some Italian seasoning, salt and a large jar of Grandma Helen's canned tomatoes. He says he has a secret ingredient he cannot divulge, but everyone who lives here knows it's pure maple syrup. Stew puts maple syrup in everything. And I mean everything. No wonder his blood sugar level is through the roof. Anyway, I'm not sure what to do about Claire's shirts. Stew used to tell Claire to "stop spilling food on your shirt", but that didn't seem to work. So now both Claire and Stew are shirtless at the dinner table, but Momma has yet to join in the ritual despite Stew's incessant pleading. So if anyone knows of a secret way to remove sauce stains from clothing, please do tell.

In the meantime, I leave you with a funny pic sent to me by Uncle Kermit. The pic comes from the website LOLcats. Click the link to go to the site to mainly see pictures of stupid cats. There's also a link on the site to LOLdogs (where I found the second photo below). Enjoy!

Stay gold, Ponyboy... stay gold.

Are there any fans of the 1983 Francis Ford Coppola movie, The Outsiders, out there? If you're a Patrick Swayze fan, then I assume the answer is a resounding "Oh, yes!" Based on the S. E. Hinton novel of the same name, it's the story of the Greasers, a gang of young men growing up facing hard times when they have little going for them. Two opposing groups, the Greasers and the Socs (pronounced SO-shehz), continually fight against each other and their "turf". The Greasers are the greasy-haired poor kids from the wrong side of the tracks, while the Socs are the snobbish, popular, rich kids from school. Ponyboy and his pal, Johnny, are younger Greasers who are on the run from the cops after Johnny accidentally kills a Soc during a street fight. Anyway, this weekend, Claire decided she wanted to become a Greaser after she found a jar of vaseline in the bathroom and decided to rub the stuff in her hair. Two days and two baths later, Claire still looks like a Greaser. Lord knows there are probably plenty of Socs to be found in Chaska, but hopefully Claire will grow out of this rebellious stage before too long and turn into a Soc (and the starting point guard on the Chaska Girl's Basketball team). Here are a few more pics of Claire modeling her new hairdo...

In other news, Claire was supposed to pose for some pics so we could send Valentine's Day cards to our grandmas and aunts. Unfortunately, Claire was not in the mood for a photo shoot, so I'm just going to post what I have here.
Also, you might recall my Momma is quite the goal-setting machine. In fact, you can't walk around our house without finding a whiteboard hanging in pretty much every room, complete with tasks and "benchmarks for success". Lucky for us, Stew used to sell high quality whiteboards at a modest price, so he still gets a good deal on them from his pal, Candyce (office manager at his former company). Basically, she gives Stew whiteboards if he promises to stop dropping by the office to say "Hello". I guess she doesn't appreciate Stew's ability to turn a two minute story into a drawn out 90 minute tale. And just imagine being one of Stew's old customers... forced to sit through a meeting listening to Stew tell you about why you need to buy his furniture. Speaking of which, Stew says "Hi!" to Katie, Karla, Emily and Sonia... the four interior designers from his favorite Minneapolis architectural firm. These poor ladies had to sit through monthly hour-long lunch presentations while a nervous, monotone Stew who would drone on and on and on about the benefits of the passive ergonomic features of the KI Piretti seating line (all the while having random thoughts popping into his head, such as "I wonder if it's obvious I have no idea what I'm talking about..." and "I hope I don't have a booger hanging from my nose..." and "I can't believe these gals show up for this meeting every month..."). At least they got a box lunch out of the deal... unfortunately those lunches didn't come with a "meeting after" pill they could take afterwards to help them forget what they just went through. Anyway, it appears I've gotten a little off track. What I was going to tell you is that we recently added a whiteboard calendar to our household goal achieving toolbox. The calendar helps Stew remember when to take Claire to school, to the library or to the gym (community center), plus there's a section for listing grocery needs and "to do" items. Here's what February looks like (click the pic to enlarge it).

Finally, here are some video clips from Talk Show with Spike Feresten, a show on Saturday night that replaced Mad TV. I find these clips amusing because they highlight a couple of my favorite TV shows. I hope you enjoy them...

The Lil' View - watch more funny videos

Lil Bill O'Reilly - watch more funny videos

Potpourri

Okay, since I haven't been blogging lately, there's a lot to get y'all caught up on. Stew tells me "potpourri" means a miscellaneous collection of stuff, so I'm going to go out on a limb and - against my better judgment - trust his and name this post "Potpourri". I've always thought of potpourri as a mixture of dried, naturally fragrant plant material used to provide a gentle natural scent in a house... as well as something Stew often mistakes for a fancy version of Chex Party Mix. You should see Stew at Grandpa and Grandma Thullner's house at Thanksgiving. Grandma always has bowls of Chex Mix strategically placed throughout the house... as well as bowls of potpourri here and there. One time he came out of the bathroom with a sick look on his face and told Grandma, "I think the Chex Mix in there has gone bad."

So, first off, let me clear up some confusion related to our new TV. The fact is we are NOT getting one, even though I inferred the contrary in a previous post. You see, Ellen Degeneres is always giving away free 32" Vizio televisions via her morning talk show. So one day I sent Ellen an email in an attempt to make the case as to why we need a new TV. But nothing happened. So until Ellen Degeneres sends us a new TV, we have no plans of actually purchasing one.

Secondly, we lasted about 2.25 months before Stew renewed our cable TV subscription. So we said "good-bye" to bad network television shows like House and The Mentalist (that's right, Peter Karl... I said The Mentalist). And now we watch stupid people on reality shows like the Bravo Network's Real Housewives of Orange County... a show about a bunch of multi-millionaire housewives that spend money like Stew drinks beer (quickly and in large quantities) while simultaneously being ignorant to the fact they're raising their kids to be vile, disgusting turds with a profound sense of entitlement (basically miniature versions of the wives themselves). And then there's MTV's My Super Sweet Sixteen, which is a show about extravagant Sweet 16 birthday parties that some rich folk throw for their kid(s). I usually can't get through an entire episode because the birthday boys/girls on the show are the most repugnant people on the face of the earth. I guess this is what the Republicans mean by "GOP family values". I don't know what these families are going to do when their Bush tax cuts are either repealed or allowed to expire. I'm not sure they'll make it.

The rest of this post will be clips from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart... he's had some brilliant segments on lately. I'll start with a clip involving Fox News' very own Bill O'Reilly. If it weren't for Sean Hannity, I firmly believe O'Reilly would hold the title of "Biggest Douchebag on TV"... but 2nd Place isn't all that bad, Billo.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Bill O'Reilly's Right to Privacy

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Funny Political News
Joke of the Day

This next clip highlights the hypocrisy of the so-called fiscal conservatives in the U.S. Senate, who are freaked out by the Economic Stimulus Bill. Remember, these are the same clowns who allowed and even supported G.W. Bush in his endeavor to ruin America by creating a $1 trillion deficit. Plus, the clip includes some coverage of South Dakota Senator John Thune, who Stew claims to know from his days working for SD state government AND playing city league basketball in Pierre. According to Stew, Thune would kick Obama's ass in a game of one-on-one basketball. But I don't think Thune would fare too well on Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader? if the topic was 1st Grade Economics. Watch the clip and you'll see what I mean...

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Clusterf#@k to the Poor House - Economic Recovery Plan

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Funny Political News
Joke of the Day

I wonder how high we could go if we stacked a couple million unemployed Americans on top of each other? I'm thinking the next time my Grandpa Bob takes his cattle to market that he should demand to be paid using the John Thune Method of Economics. Instead of getting a "per head" price for each steer (anywhere from $400-$600), Grandpa Bob would get a stack of $100 bills measuring from the ground to the tip of the steer's ears for each "cow" he brings to market.

Lastly, here's a clip that asks, "Why Are You Such a Dick?" Enjoy.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Why Are You Such a Dick? - Audio Tape

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Funny Political News
Joke of the Day

Scooby Doo, where are you?

I need some help. There's a reason I haven't been blogging for the past few weeks, and I'm not exactly sure what to do about it other than to call in Scooby Doo and the Gang. They seem to know how to best handle scary things like ghosts and goblins... so perhaps they can do something about the screen saver Stew installed on my personal computer (pictured below). The screen saver depicts a dog's worst nightmare, so now I'm afraid to go anywhere near the computer. Plus, there's been a pack of coyotes howling in the middle of the night in the wooded area behind our house for the past several days, so now I'm afraid to go outside to pee or poo. In fact, it's been 13 days since my last movement. If you've never heard a pack of coyotes howling in the middle of the night, it's almost as frightening as the thought of a Sarah Palin presidency. Now that's scary stuff! So think of that before you call me a wussy. Anyway, as soon as I figure out how to get rid of the screen saver, I'll return to blogging from home instead of at the local Carver County Library (where I can sit on a high quality modestly priced chair Stew sold them years ago).

So here's what is called "a dog's worst nightmare"... I think Stew got this picture from either Aunt Dee (Florida), Aunt Dee (Rosemount) or possibly Aunt Julie. Regardless, all three aunts are now on notice. Mark my words, I'll be back.