Shopping list: milk, bread, cigarettes and health care

I'm not sure my four faithful bloggees know this or not, but there's a serious debate going on about revamping the American health care system. The fact that you read this blog tells me you likely don't know what day it is let alone give a rat's ass about health care. And since I long ago lost my politically "conservative" readers (aka most of Stew's family), I'm guessing the chances of me offending anyone with this post is fairly low. Plus, my over-use of the word "douchebag" on this blog has most certainly scared off any readers who go by "Grandma" or "Grandpa", so I'm just going to go ahead and continue with my rant... but not until I post this funny granny picture.
I'm getting tired of hearing how the "free market" is the answer to all our woes. But don't get me wrong, I love me some free market enterprise. It's awesome. Stew even graduated college with a business degree (although none of us can figure out how he did it) and could still one day start his own business (that he will surely run into the ground). But there are some things the free market has no influence over, such as health care. We can't just pick up a nice little health plan at Super Target along with our Milkbones and hemorrhoidal cream. And I'm growing increasingly weary of rich, old, white guys (plus one young, handsome senator from South Dakota who is REALLY good at repeating GOP talking points instead of showing any sort of individual thought and, thus, pissing me off) going on TV every single day to tell the story that we should surrender all of our power to corporations and just let them govern us because a mystical but all-knowing godlike force called "the free market" will eventually solve all of our health care problems. Seriously? And when exactly is the free market going to force skyrocketing health care premiums back down to a level where ordinary citizens can actually afford to buy it?

But why should congress try to focus on a solution when they can get airtime on any cable news outlet any time they want to spew total bullshit about "socialized medicine" to scare all the Glenn Beck fans out there. By the way, thank you to the so-called "liberal" mainstream media for shining a light on these lies about rationing and "the government coming between you and your doctor." Oh, that's right - that's why we have PBS... where the only true journalism takes place these days (but nobody watches).

Come on, people! Are we a nation of citizens or a nation of consumers? Are we a democracy run by citizens, or are we a corporatocracy that holds consumers locked in dependency by virtue of their consumption? Um, unfortunately, I'm going with the corporatocracy thingy. By the way, please go read THIS article by Thom Hartmann that I just plagiarized word for word. And today I read a post on another blog that - in my opinion - makes the case of why "free market" principles cannot be applied to "health care". It's a slam dunk, and you can read it for yourself by clicking: The Cranky Media Guy.

The dildos we've all sent to Washington, D.C. (Douchebag Capital) need to stop destroying the country and finally learn how to work together on a health care solution... something that includes a public option along with private plans. Then again, who the hell am I kidding? As long as corporate interests can continue to give millions to THEIR puppets in congress, we the people are screwed. Damn, I should've written about campaign finance reform instead of health care. Oh well...
[Add the following to the Halliburton cartoon above]
5. In 2007, after you've made billions of dollars off no bid contracts, move your corporate headquarters to Dubai, UAE, to avoid paying corporate income taxes in the United States.

Inquiring minds want to know

Well, we've been rather busy around here lately. Last week, we had our main level painted by "professionals" because Stew cannot be counted on to complete any sort of home improvement project on time (remember how it took him eight years to finish a basement bedroom w/ bath in our last house?). So, since we had a painting crew in the house, Claire and Stew spent a couple days exploring area lakes while I was locked in the mud room like some sort of criminal (and notice the empty food dish in the corner... I'm lucky if Stew even feeds me in the morning). I'm confident the painters would learn to love my incessant barking and growling at them, but I wasn't even given the chance. Perhaps I should find a way to be labeled a terrorist so I could go live in Bermuda (note to self: contact Fox News to do a fearful story about me). Anyway, Stew gave me some pics of Claire playing in various parks and cruising around Lake Harriet in her jogging stroller (which should be renamed a labored-breathing-while-walking stroller when Stew's in charge of navigation). I'll post the pics at a later date, but here's a little of what you can expect to see.

In the meantime, Claire has entered the stage of development where every other question out of her mouth is, "What's this, Papa... what's this?" I must hear this question no less than 172 times per day (212 times if she skips her nap). And after Momma gets home from work, the question morphs into, "What's this, Momma... what's this?" Regardless of who gets asked the question, the answer is invariably always "Bogey's dog hair". Apparently I have a shedding problem, although I think it's only natural. Although I admit I'd be a much happier dog if I didn't have this shedding problem, not to mention the occasional itching I must endure, so I did a little research.

That's when I discovered Dinovite. Did you know that healthy dogs, no matter their breed, DON'T shed year 'round? Did you know that dogs should not stink, itch and scratch all day and all night? I learned dogs (and pesky cats) seasonally shed twice a year, as opposed to every couple hours like I prefer to do. Side note: cat shedding can be cured by slow cooking Tabby in a 200 degree oven for eight hours... trust me - it works - and you'll be glad you did it! Anyway... luckily, I don't stink, except when I decide to roll around in something nasty when out for a walk with Claire. You see, commercial dog food is cooked at extremely high temperatures, which destroys many of the delicate nutrients I need to be healthy. Basically, I'm walking around in a slight state of malnourishment, missing things like delicate vitamins, minerals, digestive enzymes, beneficial bacteria, essential fatty acids... and only on "good" days when Stew remembers to feed me! Excessive shedding, itchy skin and stink are usually signs of a nutritional deficiency. Fill in this gap, solve the problem.

So, I went to www.dinovite.com and completed a custom solution guide (HERE) to find out what Dinovite products are right for me. I'm a large breed dog who eats a meat-based dog food, so my customized solution will likely differ from, say, one of my wiener dog comrades from the Land of Fargo. So if you are constantly chasing your dog around the house with a vacuum... or your dog is scratching all day and night... or your dog stinks beyond belief, I encourage you to visit the Dinovite solutions center and pick up a nutritional supplement.

The products come with a 90-day guarantee, and I look forward to the day Claire points at me and asks, "What's this, Papa... what's this?" and Stew answers, "Why that's your happy, healthy, incredibly talented blogging dog who no longer sheds excessively!"

Stew is Missing In Action

The typical morning routine around here consists of Momma and I waking up anytime between 4:45am and 6:00am... depending upon how ambitious she feels about doing Pilates or taking a run. If she goes running outside, then I'm right there with her; otherwise, it's back to bed for me. Meanwhile, Claire usually wakes up when she hears Momma turn on the shower. That's when Stew brings Claire from her crib into the master bedroom, where she runs into the bathroom to hang out with Momma while Stew goes back to bed. Eventually Stew has to be nudged to wake up again, get out of bed and start parenting. Which he does happily, I might add (but he made me write that).

But today, things were eerily different. Stew was nowhere to be found when Momma got up at 5:30am. The obvious place to start looking for Stew is the bathroom, definitely his favorite room in the entire house despite the presence of a shower (something he doesn't seem to know how to use). In fact, Stew loves the bathroom so much that he's been trying to convince Momma that we should buy this toilet shaped house in South Korea if we ever move from Chaska. Anyway, after a quick check, Stew did not turn up in any bathroom. The second place we checked was the walk-in closet downstairs where we keep shoes and cleaning supplies. It wouldn't surprise me if he wandered into the closet to get a pair of shoes, saw the vacuum cleaner in the corner and became distracted by the mysterious machine he's never seen before (even though his second most important stay-at-home-dad-related job behind caring for Claire is to maintain a clean house). Our only other thought was that he went outside to get an early start on watering his prized jalapeno garden, but the only critter I found out there was a rabbit I was unable to chase down (this time). So Momma went into our office to place a call to the local authorities to inform them of a missing, slightly overweight, overwhelmingly under confident, yet still oddly handsome man. And that's when she noticed the wall calendar, on which was hand-written in BIG BOLD LETTERS: NATIONAL DONUT DAY!!!

Despite Stew's incessant reminders, we had forgotten that ever since 1938, the first Friday of each June is deemed National Donut Day. The holiday celebrates the doughnut (a.k.a "donut") — an edible, ring-shaped piece of dough which is deep-fried and sweetened. Many American donut stores offer free donuts on National Donut Day. In 2009, both independent donut shops and large national franchises are offering free donuts in the United States. And therein lies the problem. The Chaska Bakery recently closed its doors after 137 years in business. Plus, there's not a single Dunkin' Donuts franchise in the entire state of Minnesota, which is simply ridiculous. Kristy Kreme also went belly up in this state, so I'm not sure what all the Oles and Lenas around here are eating for breakfast. If I owned a Minnesota bakery that served all the big Swedes that live here, I think I'd be offering an open sandwich topped with hard-boiled eggs and cod caviar squeezed from a tube... you know, your typical smörgås. Anyway... Stew, not knowing there's likely another locally-owned donut shop in the next suburb over, decided to hop in his SUV and head for the nearest Dunkin' Donuts... in Milwaukee, WI.

With this post about to go to press, Stew phoned in to let us know he's about 45 minutes away from returning home. He slipped into a sugar coma between the hours of 10am and Noon, but he put the pedal to the metal to get back home as quickly as possible. You see, Momma has plans to be in Fargo to meet up with some Pierre (SD) girl friends, and she can't leave until Stew gets home. And with Momma gone for the weekend, that could only mean one thing for us: a chili dog eating marathon for Stew. With any luck, he'll survive the weekend long enough for Momma to make it home to let me outside to pee before I have to make a mess on the floor. Claire seems to do a good job changing her own diaper whenever she feels like it, so I'm not worried about her.

They Grow Up So Fast - Part 2

Part 2 in the I-have-no-idea-how-many-parts-this-will-go series, They Grow Up So Fast (Part 1 can be found here)...

This morning, Stew attended the second meeting of his parent advocacy group, where he actually gave a presentation. Momma volunteered to transfer his materials into a Power Point presentation, but Stew declined because he didn't "want to look like a nerd in front of all the ladies." You see, Stew is the only dad in the group (so far). And after the last meeting he was tasked with the responsibility of researching early childhood education organizations within the state, as well as national resources, and reporting his findings. Stew's parent group would like to learn about other similar groups, as well as find any organizations in Minnesota that lobby the legislature to increase early childhood education funding. You know, other socialist groups that want to indoctrinate kids with needless skills that will only ready them for kindergarten. And when I say "early childhood education", it not only includes the Early Childhood and Family Education (ECFE) program Claire and Stew attend, but it also involves all other sorts of quality early education available via some day cares and preschools (meaning the care centers that don't just set the kids in front of a TV for eight hours straight).

Anyway, I'm not sure if Stew volunteered for this task or if it was assigned to him. Either way, it can't be a good idea putting Stew in front of a computer that's connected to "the internets" (and not for the reason that's obvious to those who know Stew best... you sick puppies). Instead, I'm referring to how Stew cannot manage to go online without buying something he doesn't need. Seriously. Ask him about his strumstick or the set of bongo drums he never plays. So while I'm sure Stew's little group would find it intriguing to learn how he spent sixteen hours researching golf clubs online before he finally bought a new (used) Ping G-10 Driver via the 2nd Swing Online Golf Store, I'm sure they'd rather know about Ready 4 K, a grassroots organization in St. Paul that advocates for early childhood education AND even offers free parent advocacy training (exactly what Stew's group needs)! Then again, who wouldn't be impressed by the fact Stew was able to find some $110 Nike golf shoes on clearance for more than a 50% discount at some sort of off-shore golf outlet store? Oh, did I happen to mention the fact Stew golfs about twice per year? So I'd say that was some real quality time he spent online...

Then again, Stew's also been trying to find someone online willing to trade their lawn tractor for an unused set of bongo drums. So far, he's only found one taker off Craig's List. The picture to the right shows the actual riding mower Stew's got his eye on. Then again, he's not really interested in a self-propelled model like this. Stew says there's not much sense in buying a riding lawn mower that requires such intricate navigation. So, Stew's been back online looking for gas powered machines that only require you to turn a steering wheel every now and again (like when you're about to run over your beloved family pet, Bogart, as he naps in the front yard). So, Stew's pretty fired up about this hot-rod lawn tractor he located in the online magazine, Redneck Digest. Apparently the current owner has no use for it since he burns his yard rather than mows it. All Stew needs to figure out is how to make a barrel of moonshine for payment because the owner [quote] "Ain't got no use for your fancy Yankee dollar bills." In the meantime, Stew's been hiring the neighbor lady to mow our lawn... which usually runs us about two bottles of Charles Shaw ("Three Buck Chuck") wine, so it's quite the bargain. However, I do find it odd that she met Stew's demand that she wear a uniform consisting of a cocktail dress with heels. Weird.

Okay, so I have no pics of Claire readily available to post, but I plan to do so sometime soon. In the meantime, check out this trailer for the soon-to-be-released documentary, The Evolution of Dad. If it doesn't make you cry, then you don't have a heart. In the least, it will hopefully make you look at Stew and other stay-at-home dads differently. Particularly you ladies who, after watching this clip, might feel the urge to flash your boobs at every stay-at-home dad (and dog) you see. I encourage you to go with that urge. It's only natural. Anyway, take note of the part of the film where it shows the dad as "an outsider". It brought a tear to my eye and made me think of the mean mommies at the playground. And if you're able, give your dad a call sometime soon. I'm sure he'd appreciate hearing from you...