We're getting a new television!

As some of you know, we have a morning routine around here. First, the alarm goes off at 5:20am, and Stew shuts it off. Then he shakes Momma awake... and she says, "what... huh... okay" and then rolls over and goes back to sleep. At 5:45am, Stew shakes her again and grumbles, "it's 5:45... get up." Finally, sometime between 6:00 and 6:15AM, Momma rolls out of bed and heads into the bathroom. Within a minute of two of the shower turning on, Claire wakes up and starts shouting baby gibberish that translates into something like, "come get me outta this crib so I can help Momma get ready for work!" So Stew falls out of bed, goes to get Claire, sets her on the floor, she runs into the bathroom shouting "Momma!", and Stew crawls back into bed for another 30 minutes until Momma and Claire emerge from the bathroom... Momma looking sharp and professional while Claire has make-up smudges on her cheeks and lipstick on her nose. Then we all head downstairs where Claire starts requesting breakfast by chanting "bar!" over and over and over and over again until she gets her "bar" (an organic pop tart thing Stew buys in bulk at Costco). After Momma heads off for work, Claire, Stew and I head for the front room so we can wave at her as she drives away. Then we're off to the dining room so Claire can finish eating her "bar" and drink some juice. Later, Stew and I check email accounts in the office while Claire sits in her green patio chair with her feet up on a stool and reads a magazine before beginning her day of destroying the house by scattering toys, newspapers, throw pillows, blankets and anything else that's not bolted down. Precisely at 8:59AM, Stew turns on the TV so we can all prepare to watch ellen - the ellen degeneres show. For those of you who actually have jobs and aren't familiar with the show, Ellen gives a monologue then dances every morning... and Claire loves to dance with her. Then Ellen interviews guests... sometimes has some games she plays with the audience... and usually has a musical act. But this morning, Ellen gave a flat screen TV to some woman. Apparently the woman wrote to the show saying her three grown kids recently moved back home, and now they all share a single TV set. The woman was complaining that the family can't agree on what shows to watch and that a new TV would help alleviate some of the tension, and Ellen actually gave the woman a TV. So, after watching the show, Claire decided to fire off her own email to Ellen requesting a new flat screen for our house (plus, dog treats for me, airline tickets to Florida to see Grandma Stewart, Aunt Dee and Uncle Brad... and an at-home job for Stew). And since it seems Claire has a way of getting whatever she wants, I'm fairly confident Ellen will at least be shipping us a new Vizio flat screen within the next few days. Hurray!

The Price Is Right comes on after ellen. So, as soon as Claire hears "Come on down!", she walks over to the TV, changes it from Channel 4 to Channel 5, points at the screen and says "The View". But we typically only watch about 15 minutes of The View before Stew starts shouting insults at Sherri Shepard, calling Barbara Walters "a bore" and asking Elisabeth Hasselbeck, "How can somebody so hot be so [bleeping] stupid?" I believe he actually thinks Elisabeth is going to respond. Then he gets off the sofa in a huff and stomps over to shut off the TV while simultaneously instructing Elisabeth to, "Stop parroting ridiculous Sean Hannity talking points and say something original for once!"

This gets us to about 10:15AM, and I'll let you imagine how the remainder of our day goes. Don't worry, though. I'm doing my best to insure Stew doesn't model Claire after himself and turn her into a bonehead. You have my word on that.

Mission Accomplished!

Well, I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first? The bad news, you say? I suppose it's good to get the bad news out of the way first because when we deny our pain, trouble is sure to follow. Sometimes, things get so complicated that we feel hurt or guilty about feeling bad. That can set up a trap, unless you can somehow remember that it's perfectly canine (or human) to feel hurt once in a while. Feeling hurt when something bad has happened is actually good. It's positive proof for me that there's life on Planet Bogart. When I hear the bad news first, I've saved the best for last. That way, when I move on to the next crisis or the next preoccupation, I'm charged up from the good news I've just heard. Maybe that's why we eat dessert at the end of the meal. Now please pass me another pig's ear.

So, what were we talking about? Oh, that's right... the bad news. The bad news is that I think we're probably going to be moving back to Robbinsdale. The good news is that the Macy's Department Store in the Brookdale Mall near our old house is closing [source]. Yeah! Momma has accomplished yet another goal in her life. And for those who don't know, the main reason we moved away from Robbinsdale is because of a horrid experience Momma had with a sales clerk at this Macy's. Forget the fact the local school district was nearly bankrupt when we moved. That's a minor issue in comparison to a sales clerk who refuses to do her job. I'll spare you the details, but Momma came home from Macy's that night and announced, "We have to get out of this [bleep] town" (please note I've cleaned up her actual comment considerably for this blog posting). So, not only did we move away soon afterwards, but Momma has been boycotting Macy's ever since... waging her own personal vendetta against the Macy's organization and all those who support it. Well, everyone except Grandpa Bob, who absolutely loves the Brookdale Macy's. You see, there's always a 60% off sale every September when he and Grandma come to visit. It's like Macy's knows when he's coming to town. Weird. So every September, Grandpa goes home with some fancy shirts from Macy's. Sometimes he'll even pick up a fall jacket. Anyway, I can only assume that we're moving back to Robbinsdale after hearing this good news. There's really no reason not to return. Then again, I think we sort of like it here in Chaska, so perhaps I'm misinterpreting the hoots, hollars and "Hurrays!" coming out of Momma's mouth last night after hearing the news about Macy's. Come to think of it, Momma might have been celebrating after learning that Stew actually showered yesterday. Who knows? Either way, it was a good day for all of us.

And since this is a teaching blog, allow me to share some words of advice from Stew for those out there in sales or some other customer-driven vocation. Remember, Stew won awards when he was selling high quality furniture at a modest price, so he knows of what he speaks. One day he tells me, "Bogart, it doesn't matter if the product or service you're selling is total sh!t as long as you provide exceptional customer service to your client." Adding, "I should know... I once sold my favorite Minneapolis architectural firm an entire office of drafting table stools without any seats. Then it took about four weeks to resolve the simple matter, but the firm still promotes my products to this day. Come to think of it, they probably just felt sorry for me and my former company. So, forget what I said about customer service. It's not important. What's important is looking so pathetic that your customer feels obligated to buy from you." Words to live by. I'm certain this is how Stew got Momma to marry him, too. The man is a genius disguised as a blockhead.

School Daze - Chaska Style

Claire had her first day of school in Chaska today, and things went very well. She seemed real happy when she and Stew returned this morning. Plus, Stew wasn't crying about "...all the mean moms picking on me." To commemorate the day - and since I don't have any pictures ready to post - I wrote you a song (set to the tune of Winter Wonderland). Enjoy - and I don't want to hear about it if it doesn't rhyme to your satisfaction.

School bells ring, Claire's not listening.
A new outfit, she is christening.
We should be alright,
If Claire doesn't fight
With all the little Chaska snots at school.

Gone away is the old place.
Here to stay is a tax base.
The school is real nice,
But sort of high priced,
Just to teach Chaska tots how to share.

In the classroom Stew is quite a showman,
Pretending he's some sort of circus clown.
Moms say "Stew, are you for real, man?"
"Because you're gonna have to tone it down."

When it's time to sing good-bye songs,
Sounds from Stew just sound plain wrong.
But we'll frolic and play, the Chaska way,
Attending Claire's new weekly toddler class!

Yes We Can!

I don't know if any of my faithful readers went out and adopted a pet over the holidays, but the good news is that the Iams Home 4 the Holidays pet adoption campaign was a success. In fact, rumor has it Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin and her family adopted this trio of southern redneck hounds. According to my sources, the governor stated, "Those dogs there are real dogs from 'Real America' that don't bark one way there in San Francisco and then also bark another way in 'Real America'... they bark stupid all the time, so that's why I like 'em then." Anyway, upon return from the Ten Mile Lake Resort and its 26 feet of snow on the ground this weekend, I was greeted by the following email in my inbox from my new pal, Victoria (the marketing guru who contacted me about my blog):

Dear Bogart--

Thank you SO MUCH for that fantastic post! I love it! You know so many fantastic adopted and rescued dogs, and they are all so precious. Thanks for sharing their stories! I also have some great news about Home 4 the Holidays--in week 13 of Home 4 the Holidays we saw 122,222 pets adopted into forever homes!

With one week to go before our deadline for this holiday season, we are very excited to announce that we've crossed our goal line!

ONE MILLION EIGHTY-EIGHT THOUSAND, FIVE HUNDRED AND SIX PETS HAVE FOUND FOREVER HOMES SINCE WE STARTED THIS EVENT ON OCTOBER FIRST, 2008!

So thank you for your support and working with me on this great project!! I'll be sure to keep you in mind for any future projects that I think you might enjoy!

So, give yourselves a collective pat on the back. And if you didn't adopt a pet over the holidays, perhaps you'll consider doing so in 2009. Everyone should have a dog... unless, of course, the person plans to place said dog inside a Louis Vuitton handbag, in which case the person should be "put down". The next cause I plan to support -- er, make that START -- is a campaign to have Sherri Shepherd (pictured at left) removed from The View. I swear she's dumber than a box of, well, practically anything (except maybe an entire box of little Sherri Shepherds). And after perusing the YouTube this morning, I see my pal Keith Olbermann feels the same way...