The Proof's in the Pudding... and the Pork!

I've been watching Stew very closely the last few days for any signs of the swine flu. You see, he eats an inordinate amount of bacon on a weekly basis. So I'm not only concerned about his arteries but I'm also afraid he'll eat a swine flu virus and pass it to the rest of us. Stew pretty much inhales his food and hardly ever spends time to chew it, so I'm convinced any virus will make it into his system without being harmed by his gnashing teeth. Then after I learned the swine flu originated in Mexico, I got very concerned when I found Stew in the kitchen this weekend frying up some chorizo for a batch of Stew's Fiesta Frankfurters... a freakish Mexican-inspired chili dog formed by combining hotdogs, chorizo, onions and hot peppers served on a hoagie bun (with spicy fries, of course).

So I've known for quite some time that pigs have the ability of flight. I also know life exists on other planets in the galaxy, and that our planet is currently inhabited by aliens who want to take over the world. How else do you explain Mitt Romney? And now there's scientific proof that pigs can fly because the current strain that originated in Mexico is a hybrid of swine, avian (bird) and human viruses [source]. The existence of the human virus is easily explained - lonely Mexican pig farmers. But the ONLY explanation for the bird flu virus is that pigs can, in fact, fly. Case closed.

In other news, it seems as though I owe Miss California an apology. I was convinced that she lost the Miss USA title not only because she was reportedly behind in the scoring after both the swimsuit and evening gown competitions, but also because she gave a rambling, nonsensical answer to a fairly straightforward question [view it HERE if you live under a rock and have not yet seen video footage of it]. Well, it turns out this is how you are supposed to answer these types of questions if you are a beauty contest finalist, so perhaps she should have won after all. Then again, I recently discovered footage of Miss Arizona giving her answer to a question about universal healthcare. And if babbling like an idiot and not saying anything of substance is what is important in a beauty pageant, then I'd say Miss Arizona got screwed and has the best case for demanding a recount. She babbled with the utmost conviction!



The good news for Miss California is that she has most certainly secured herself a job on the Fox News Channel (or spot on the Palin-Miss California 2012 GOP Presidential ticket). Unfortunately, Miss Arizona doesn't meet the hiring requirements at Fox News (she's not blond), so she's likely going to end up on either The Weather Channel or CNN. Poor girl. Finding a non-blond on Fox News is about as rare as spotting a jackalope... or hearing a statement on Fox News that isn't a Right Wing talking point.

But speaking of fair and balanced, I should at least write something to defend beauty pageant contestants. Shockinlgy, Stew has some experience being put on the spot. No, he's never been in a beauty pageant. However, he tells me that in his junior year of high school in Pierre (SD), he was interviewed by KCCR AM1240 Sports Director, Rod Fisher. Rod occasionally taped interviews with basketball players to air on his Friday morning sports radio show. Stew was a starting guard on the team (a fact he refuses to ever let die), and he was being interviewed about (nearly last place) Pierre's upcoming game against the #1 ranked Mitchell Kernels (home to the Mitchell Corn Palace). Unfortunately, I don't have an audio clip of the interview, but I was fortunate enough to dig up an old transcript from the KCCR archives...

Rod Fisher: I'm here today with Brett Stewart, junior starting guard on the Riggs High varsity basketball team. Thanks for being here today, Brett.

Stew: Um... You're welcome, Rod? Can I call you Rod, or should I call you Mr. Fisher?

Rod Fisher: Rod's fine.

Stew: Okay... Rod. [giggles]

Rod Fisher: So, you've got a big game Saturday night against the state's #1 ranked basketball team, lead by their seven foot tall senior, Bart Frederick. So tell me, Brett, is the key to winning going to be shutting down Frederick?

Stew: Um... no, I don't think so. Um... Mitchell has a lot of good players. Anderson and Byrd can both fill up the bucket and score lots of points, so I don't think we can focus on just one player.

Rod Fisher: So what's the game plan? How are you going to "pop" the Kernels tomorrow night?

Stew: Um, well... we're gonna need to shut down Bart Frederick. He's the focus of their entire offense.

Rod Fisher: Ooookay... so then do you plan to double- or triple-team him whenever he touches the ball?

Stew: Um... well... I don't think so because Mitchell has a lot of good players who can score. We can't just focus on one guy.

Rod Fisher: Well, I can't thank you enough for your time today. That was Brett Stewart, junior guard for Riggs High.

Stew: So that's it? We're done?

Rod Fisher: Yes.

Stew: Um... thanks, Rod. [giggles]

Pierre went on to lose to Mitchell by 36 points. At one point, a Mitchell player dunked a shot that went through the hoop and bounced off one of Stew's teammate's head. It was a humiliating experience for the Pierre team. The following year, the again #1 ranked Mitchell Kernels visited Pierre to play the not-very-highly-rated Pierre team. Pierre won by four points in a huge upset victory. Rod Fisher would never ask to interview Stew ever again, and his one and only radio interview still haunts Stew to this day.

Drill, Baby... Drill!

Wanna see Russia from your house? Well, now you can! My cousin Sir Blue LeDeux and his family are selling their authentic Alaskan log home, plus 1.24 acres of ocean front property. Enjoy a telescopic view of Mt. Redoubt, Mt. Iliamna, and Mt. Augustine on the edge of the Cook Inlet on the Kenai Peninsula of Alaska. All serious bids will be considered, including a possible home trade in order to get these fine folks back to the Midwest (where they belong)... but they'll also consider a trade from any exciting locale. HERE's a link to more information. And just think... after just 18 months of living here, you too will have enough foreign policy experience to run for Vice President of the United States! I think the picture below is a photo of Russia from the log home's front stoop (but don't quote me on that). These are just two beautiful views that remind me of why Earth Day is so special. Can you imagine how much oil and coal we'd find if we'd only tear down those mountains?
In other news, I'm still in shock over the fact the Miss USA "controversy" is still news worthy enough to be running again on morning cable news shows (and I only watch about 30 minutes of television in the mornings, so it's just ridiculous they're still talking about it). And, yes, I do see the hypocrisy of this statement since I too am still blogging about this story. But I will not be outdone by Fox News! Speaking of which... Fox News' Chief Douchebag in Charge of Inciting the Far Right Lunatics, Sean Hannity, even interviewed Miss California last night... basically just drooling all over himself and telling her what a great American and Christian she is for standing up for her beliefs. At one point I think she even said that her answer "had a rocky start..." Adding, "But I pulled it together at the end and said what I feel, so it's sad I'm being punished for my beliefs." I'm still holding out hope that Donald Trump (owner of the Miss Universe Pageant, which owns Miss USA) will step forward and say something like, "Miss California is a terrific girl. I think she's great, and I think it's great that she stands for something as terrific as opposite marriage. But let's face it. She never actually answered the question presented to her. Plus, she babbled like a complete idiot and didn't show an ounce of poise. And if I were a judge, I'd have to tell her 'You're fired!'" So let's go Donald... I know your pageant gets more publicity by allowing this story to drag on and on and on, but enough already!

Finally... Claire made out like a bandit with the Easter Bunny this year... not to mention with lots of cool gifts from her grandmas, aunts and great aunts. Below are some pictures of Claire modeling her Easter outfit, and in a couple of the photos she's holding her little green teddy bear that Sister Gertrude (Claire's great aunt) got for her.

The Audacity of Dope

No, this isn't a posting about the legalization of marijuana. Don't get me wrong, though. I think making marijuana legal has way more positives than negatives. I mean I love grass... especially eating it. I've never even tried smoking it, mainly because I don't know how to inhale, but I would if I could. But again, this posting isn't about marijuana, ghanja, gash, Mary Jane, giggle weed, KGB, bobo bush, bud, pot, shake, cheeba, frajo, grass... or dope. And don't worry right wingers... it's not about Sarah Palin either. Then again, the subject of this posting could someday end up as the Governor of Alaska... stranger things have happened (see the aforementioned Governor Sarah Palin).

Sunday nights around here are fairly relaxed. First, we watch 60 minutes... which usually scares the hell out of or infuriates us (or both). For the record, this past Sunday's episode fell within the "infuriating" category since it was about all the fees and charges hidden within 401K plans that go to fund managers, etc. After watching 60 Minutes, it usually takes another 60 minutes of channel surfing to come down from our rage-fueled high, just in time for Desperate Housewives. Then at 9pm (CST), we usually watch The Unit, a show about a secret, elite team of special ops soldiers that conducts covert (and usually illegal) operations in foreign lands under the direct authority of the Office of the Vice President. I know, I know... it's a totally absurd premise (except it probably happened under Cheney), but we enjoy the show anyway. Unfortunately, this past Sunday CBS decided to show some horrible movie instead of airing The Unit, so we were presented with the choice of either channel surfing or reading a book.

So since Stew was in control of the remote control, we were forced to watch the end of the Miss USA Pageant. Even more unfortunate is that we actually caught Miss California giving her now infamous answer to the question, "Vermont recently became the 4th state to legalize same-sex marriage. Do you think every state should follow suit. Why or why not?” Now, I don't care one way or the other how YOU feel about same sex marriage. Around our doghouse, we think homophobia is gay. I don't recall us ever discussing the topic of same sex marriage, but I'm fairly confident nobody here is afraid of it. Plus, we do enjoy the irony and joy that comes with the periodic "gay sex scandal" involving either a Republican congressman or a holier-than-thou televangelist. Anyway, Miss California's answer stated that she doesn't support same sex marriage, which she has the right to do. But she now says her views hurt her. She said, “I feel like I won. I feel like I’m the winner. I really do.” She adds that her answer "did cost me my crown."

So, it sounds to me that she thinks she should have won. Furthermore, she clearly thinks she was penalized because her answer was "from the heart" and not "politically correct". On the other paw, I propose that she lost because her answer was rambling and nonsensical. The basis of my hypothesis is simply her own words. It was nothing to do with her views. But her answer conjures up images of 2007's Miss Teen South Carolina babbling about "...South Africa and the Iraq and everywhere such as." [click HERE if you don't recall Miss Teen SC] But I'll let you be the judge. Here's a clip from my favorite liberal TV show, The Rachel Maddow Show, that provides a little background on the pageant questioning along with Miss California's answer in her own words:



So let this be a lesson for any little girls (or perhaps transgendered boys) out there who hope to one day become Miss USA. Unless you're pursuing the title of Miss Uninformed, then perhaps you should at least know a little bit about the USA. For example, you don't live in a land where you can choose either same sex or opposite marriage (unless you are a resident of Massachusetts or Connecticut - and coming soon to Iowa and Vermont). In fact, choice isn't a very popular concept... unless, of course, the choice is whether or not you have the right to own an assault rifle (or small arsenal of weapons). Anyway, this "Miss California got screwed" story was on every single morning news program today, yet not a single TV show host or correspondent dared to pose the question, "Doesn't anyone think she lost because her answer was so frickin' stupid?" I'm just sayin'...

Step aside, Dark Helmet... here comes Claire!

Are there any fans of the awesome 1987 movie, Spaceballs, out there? It was written and directed by Mel Brooks, who is a favorite of the men of our doghouse. It's a spoof of Star Wars and the lead character could work at Momma's office. His name is Dark Helmet (the equivalent of Darth Vader), and he says in the movie, "Evil will always triumph over good because good is dumb." So anyway, Stew and Claire came home from the store yesterday with a new biking helmet for Claire. And ever since trying it on, Claire refuses to take the darn thing off. In fact, I'm surprised she didn't wear it to bed last night, but I suppose Momma had a say in that matter. I'm attaching a couple pics of Claire enjoying her new helmet (and $1 sunglasses)...

I'm a little teapot, short and stout;
Here is my handle... here is my spout!

When I get all steamed up, hear me shout;
Then tip me over and pour me out!

Watching Curious George this morning. The look on my face should be enough for you to figure out how happy I am that Stew also bought Claire a butterfly net... and she apparently thinks my head is a butterfly that needs to be captured every 2 minutes...

And finally... her future's so bright, Claire's gotta wear shades!

No more burying bones... thanks to plastic packaging

Lately I've been worrying about my Alaskan friend, Sir Blue LeDeux (pictured here sitting on the floor of his authentic Alaskan log home). He lives real close to Mt. Redoubt, which was erupting periodically for a couple weeks in a row. Sir Blue was forced to wear a wet towel around his snout to keep the ash away during the Ash Warning Period, and he hasn't been able to chase moose for quite some time. Anyway, I've decided to package up some of my favorite bones and send Sir Blue a care package. The problem was that I wanted to send a variety of shapes and sizes, and I was having trouble finding a packaging company able to meet my shipping needs. Until earlier this week, when I discovered KSK Plastic Packaging.

KSK Plastic Packaging is a leading plastic packaging company specializing in custom plastic thermoforming and vacuumforming. They use the latest thermoforming technology with the highest grade plastics to give their customers the best possible plastic packaging products. For my bone delivery needs, I use their trays and packages that highlight and safeguard my products with the highest standards at the lowest prices. Once Sir Blue opens the package, he'll instantly see all the delicious bones neatly packaged inside. KSK Plastic Packaging offers a wide array of plastic packaging, so whatever my plastic packaging needs might be - from plastic clamshell packaging, blister packaging, plastic food trays, plastic food container to custom plastic thermoforming - I know KSK Plastic Packaging offers the best solutions. Their packaging plastics are not only safe at home, but are also recyclable so they are safe for the environment. Safe, clean, and right for you! They can even make a custom mold to my specifications if needed. In fact, if my t-shirt company ever takes off, I plan to have KSK Plastic Packaging design a tube for shipping my shirts. So, how about you go buy a t-shirt after you read this post? I'm still looking for my very first customer! But before you go t-shirt shopping, check out KSK Plastic Packaging to see what they can do for you (just click on their name above)!

Happy Trails

Well, if I haven't alienated all Stew's conservative friends or family by now, yesterday's post most certainly did the trick. Regardless, while I was ranting in the blog yesterday about the teabaggers, Stew and Claire were making their maiden voyage in Claire's new Burley. The Burley previously belonged to Claire's best pal, Naiya, who was generous enough to pass it along to Claire at a rock-bottom blow-out price point (plus Naiya threw in a tricycle, which Claire is obsessed with despite the fact her feet can't yet reach the pedals). One great thing about our new neighborhood is the existence of numerous walking/biking trails in close proximity to our house. In fact, Stew finally started taking Claire and me for a daily walk late last week, so Claire now knows some new words (stream and pond), plus some new phrases - "Don't poop there, Bogey" and "Dang, look at that hot jogger!" Actually, we rarely see anyone else on the walking trail other than pesky squirrels who are no doubt planning a future aerial assault from the trees. Those rodents have no idea who they're about to mess with...

So, Stew and Claire were gone for about two hours yesterday, so I knew something must have gone awry. As it turns out, Stew decided not to look for any bike path maps for the Chaska area and instead chose to simply set out haphazardly. To make a long story short, Stew and Claire arrived home thanks to the Chaska Fire Department's EMS Crew. Apparently Stew guided his bike and Claire's Burley so far from home that he had no power remaining to find his way home. According to Stew, "I've heard all these stories recently about people calling 9-1-1 because they didn't get enough Chicken McNuggets in their Happy Meal, so I figured my situation was way more dire and I phoned for assistance." The fire department was not amused and charged Stew $200 for the ride home. Luckily, Claire was able to play in a park before Stew got them lost.

When you've said "teabag", you've said a mouthful!

As most of you know, today is Tax Day - the deadline for filing your income taxes with the state and federal governments. One of the perks of being a dog, besides possessing the ability to lick ones own private areas, is the fact that I am not required to pay taxes. So, all the money I make taking online surveys or selling Stay-At-Home-Dog Blog t-shirts is all tax free. Then again, I've yet to sell a single t-shirt in the 18 months I've offered them for sale, so I guess I'm not as lucky as I think I am. Anyway, since I don't pay taxes, I've decided not to attend the local Twin Cities Tea Bagging Party. The fact is I'm not a teabagger in any sense of the word, specifically the definition "A conservative activist who is so ignorant of the fact Obama just passed the largest personal income tax cut in the nation's history (most likely a tax cut that benefits them) that they will protest being Taxed Enough Already by throwing a teabag into a river. Teabagging's not my cup of tea (pun intended) or something I could ever sink my teeth into. Besides, since I'm a dog I fancy myself more of a rusty trombone aficionado (and don't even get me started on the Dirty Sanchez). However, I support anyone who wants to exercise their right to assemble and protest. In fact, I hear there's quite a network of teabaggers out there. For example, one teabagger invites two friends to teabag, and those two invite two more friends to teabag, and so on and so on and so on. It's called Operation Reach Around, and it's been quite effective for the teabagger community for quite some time. So, if you want to protest against Obama's outrageuous plan to raise taxes on the richest one percent of Americans while cutting taxes for 95 percent of the population, you go for it! But you do realize the higher tax rate under Obama will still be 10 percent lower than it was under Ronald Reagan don't you? The guy who started this whole idea that deficit spending isn't all that bad. Okay... just checking.

And I support you if you want to make it known to the world that you are philosophically opposed to common sense economics that dictates the government needs to accelerate its spending in order to keep the economy from sinking further into the shitter at a time when neither businesses nor the citizenry are spending enough (it's called "stimulating the economy" for a reason). If you want to protest against the bailouts, I'm cool with that. I'm not a big fan of them because I live within my means. But please don't be one of those douchebags who goes around asking, "Where's my bailout?" Geezus, we live in the greatest country in the world and have it quite easy, but why not try to improve it? I'm saddened by how many people think they're entitled to this or that or blame others for their own problems. And god forbid we actually try to lend a paw to the less fortunate of our litter. Or try to fix the problems that have lead to our economy crashing while establishing a new set of regulations to insure it never happens again. Oh, that's right... that would be socialism. But we're awarding bad behavior! What about all "those people" who buck the system and defraud the government of millions of entitlement program dollars via fraud? Or those who take highly sought after turkey processing plant jobs away from unemployed Americans (who would never set foot in such a place)? Yea, I get it. Those people are not carrying their weight while bucking the system at our expense. They probably cost us in the hundreds of millions of dollars annually, and that sucks. But according to the General Accountability Office (GAO) and the IRS, 83 of the 100 biggest American corporations cost the rest of us $100 billion in lost tax revenue annually using off-shore tax havens. And that doesn't even cover tax fraud by all Americans. Plus, we still have no idea the extent of financial damage the Wall Street bankers have inflicted on the country. And just how is this bad behavior on Wall Street punished? With multi-million dollar salaries and bonuses (plus salary freezes and no bonuses for anyone below upper management). And speaking of socialism, what's with this crazy idea of making sure everyone has access to health insurance? Don't the crazy socialists know that putting more people into the health insurance pool will only drive down the cost for the rest of us while making American businesses more competitive and god-forbid profitable? And the crazy talk about focusing on preventative health care. What's all that nonsense? Why try to make America even better - to evolve - now? Don't they know we're in a crisis? Where do they get these ideas? Oh that's right, The Communist Manifesto, of course.

Truth be told, I wouldn't give a flying fart about these teabagger parties if it was just Ron Paul supporters and leftover Ross Perot fans involved. I like those folks. They're not scary, plus Perot was right about that "giant sucking noise coming out of Mexico" when all the jobs moved south after NAFTA was passed. But Right Wing organizations (lead by Newt Gingrich's American Solutions and Dick Armey's Freedom Works) saw an opportunity to exploit the tea party idea to their advantage. An interesting side note for you teabaggers: Dick Armey's Freedom Works made millions of dollars lobbying for bailout recipient AIG (not to mention lobbying for other Wall Street firms like Lehman Brothers, Merryl Lynch, and other TARP recipients). Anyway, I imagine the initial Teabagger Day planning conversation between Newt Gingrich and Dick Armey it went something like this...

Newt: Hey, Dick, since I've never been one to come up with an idea on my own, how about we piggyback off these Libertarians and use their tea party idea to show the country that the GOP can organize at the grassroots level just as well as the Democrats?

Dick: I don't think that will work, Newt... UNLESS, of course, we use the Fox News propaganda machine to get all the crazy Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity viewers to show up to the teabagger parties. Those people are lemmings and can easily be fooled into believing these tea parties are their idea. Hell, I'm pretty sure Glenn Beck could convince all his viewers to follow him to Jonestown, Guyana, if he wanted to. Those people are nucking futs!

Newt: Great idea, Dick! And let's use our two organizations to fund just a couple big events in select locations so we can still deny any involvement in the overall Anti-tax Day promotion. We can get Hannity, Beck and a couple other Fox News dweebs to host the select events... maybe bring in some top notch country music entertainment. Is Lee Greenwood available?

Dick: C'mon, Newt! Lee Greenwood is so 9-11... No, we need someone more up-to-date like John Rich from the country duo, Big and Rich. He's a delightful little man! Oh, and don't forget that Tom the Electrician guy.

Newt: I think you mean Joe the Plumber.

Dick: Tom, Joe... it doesn't matter what his name is as long as he's a working class guy that's ignorant to the fact that everything Obama stands for is good for him and the working class. You know, the type of white GOP patriot we need to win back the majority. "Real Americans" who don't bother reading news and will believe anything Fox News or Rush Limbaugh tells 'em.

Newt: Speaking of Limblah, how can we get him involved?

Dick: Are you serious? I'm afraid of Rush, and I don't want to have to apologize to him later if these teabagger parties are a bust.

Newt: Good call.

So, here's a little clip showing how Fox News is NOT involved. They continue to go out of their way to say they are merely covering the events (as opposed to promoting them). And in case you're still not convinced Fox News is a Right Wing organization, them simply go visit their new, little Fox Nation website. I'm sure you'll find it to be very fair and balanced. Roll the clip!

Baracknophobia

So much for picking an upset for the NCAA basketball tournament. Not only did my team play miserably, but I also failed to finish in the money in the NCAA March Madness pool I entered. And if that weren't enough, Stew informed me that not a single velour track suit could be spotted at the Chaska Community Center yesterday during Tot Time Gym. What is the world coming to? Regardless, I'm stating in right now - I will again pick Michigan State University to win next year's championship (unless, of course, I find a better team after the 2009-2010 season begins next winter).

So not only am I in mourning over MSU's big loss, but I've also been stewing for the past couple weeks. And by stewing, I mean: an extreme state of worry and mental agitation caused by seeing idiots like Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann consistently given air-time to spew her irrational beliefs that are based solely on GOP talking points as opposed to any sort of fact-based reality (see also Glenn Beck). It actually all started a couple weeks ago when Stew shared with me an email he received warning us about socialism now that Obama was elected (at the time the email was received, Obama had been in office a whopping 28 days). What makes me stew the most about this email (not to mention every single other email ever received from this same person) is that the content can easily be debunked by either visiting Snopes or actually reading something other than www.foxnews.com. I'm not saying you have to agree with everyone all the time, but for Pete's sake educate yourself, people! Otherwise, you risk looking like a huge dumbass (see Michele Bachmann).

So, in light of the fact I have friends in Alaska who tell me their neighbors are cashing in retirement plans in order to buy more gun ammunition... and I have a friend in Minnesota who tells me his dad is stockpiling hand guns (after watching Glenn Beck rant about revolution for the past two months)... and at least 2/5ths of Stew's family don't even read this blog because I "don't believe the way they do". I thought I'd post the following clip from last night's The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I wish I had this clip handy after I read the "watch out for socialism" email Stew showed me a while ago because it cleverly shows the hypocrisy and irrationality of thought the Far Right displays on a daily basis. I'm just so sick of them all and wish they'd hurry up and go build their bunkers in Alaska and stay there (sorry Alaska friends... but the further away from here the better)!

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Baracknophobia - Obey
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

A Final Day of Madness

I'm sure you're all as excited as I am about tonight's NCAA Men's Basketball Championship game between the Michigan State Spartans and the University of North Carolina Tarheels. I will politely remind you that I picked the Spartans to go all the way this year... and by repeating this fact, I've likely just jinxed any chance they had of defeating the favored Tarheels. Then again, a mighty soldier from an ancient Greek city should be able to easily defeat a huckleberry who slops tar onto the bottom of wooden British ships in order to both seal the ship and to prevent shipworm from damaging the hull. Am I right? I think I am.

Go Spartans!
Go Big Ten Conference!

If you can imagine it, you can achieve it;
If you can dream it, you can become it.

Square Peg, Round Hole

From time to time, you might notice a blog posting in here that doesn't quite "fit" with the other posts I write. Well fear not! I have not gone crazy (that would be Glenn Beck you're thinking of). Instead, I've simply found a website that allows me to generate advertising income by posting about certain products or services. Therefore, if I ever write about my favorite doggy clothing boutique offering design collections ranging from the powerfully sensible to the sophisticated thinking, rest assured I probably sold my dignity for about five bucks. So do me a favor and click any LINK you see in my postings. Thanks!

Wanted: A New Doggy Sofa

As you might recall, I've entered every single VIZIO television give-away or contest I can find in order to get a new set for our upstairs living room. We currently watch TV on the 19" Sony set Stew bought as a college graduation gift to himself in 1991. The remote control no longer works on this set, plus the volume control is all jacked up. The volume is pretty much set to the highest level at all times. Luckily we subscribe to digital cable, which comes with a cable box and remote, so the TV remote control is no longer necessary. So, in anticipation of winning a new VIZIO flatscreen TV that will mount to the wall above our fireplace (minus all the crap on the mantel that would block view of the TV), I'm now in shopping mode for a new sofa. And since I was banished from sitting on the furniture a couple years ago, I want my own piece of furniture on which I can stretch out and rub my fat belly (like Stew does on his couch).

That said, I recently stumbled upon THIS link to the showrooms of DirectBuy New York - the #1 way to buy direct for your home. For example, home furnishing retail stores average a 43% gross margin on products sold due to excessive mark-ups. So, I've decided to stop buying retail and instead I'm joining the club. There are DirectBuy showrooms located throughout the United States, but I prefer the one's in New York. Again, find the nearest NY showroom by following the link HERE... And tell the folks at DirectBuy New York that Bogey sent ya!

A Catastrophic Health-related Event

Did anyone catch Tuesday night's episode of FRONTLINE: "Sick Around America"? It's on that far left liberal network called PBS. So, I'm not even sure they get this channel in so-called Red States where by law you are only allowed to watch Fox News, The 700 Club, and the Trinity Broadcast Network (TBN founders pictured here... admit it, we've all stopped channel surfing long enough to watch this big-haired crazy lady wearing her bedazzled cross jacket and diamond jewelry while advancing the cause of charity... her own, that is). Anyway, this particular FRONTLINE episode investigated the stories of Americans whose lives have become a quest to find and keep health insurance. Momma, who we consider a health care expert around here, says almost every family is "one catastrophic health-related event away from financial ruin." What I love most about Momma is her rosy outlook on the future. But after watching this FRONTLINE episode, I'm convinced she is 100% correct. So the next time you're talking with a Right Winger and the discussion turns from NASCAR to health care policy, they will immediately begin parroting the Right Wing rant of "it's socialism" when you bring up the need for a new system that covers everyone. When that happens, thump them on the head and ask one simple question, "What's your solution?" This will almost certainly shut them up because tax cuts for the richest one percent of Americans ain't gonna lower health care costs for the rest of us. [side note: No offense to my friends who I consider to be somewhat "normal" even though you also enjoy NASCAR... but let's face it, NASCAR is pretty much a rednecky "sport", but I still love ya!]

Speaking of catastrophic health-related events... remember how I told you Stew's been running on the treadmill via his Two Days On - 10 Days Off Program? Well, today was Day #2, so he climbed aboard this afternoon after feeding Claire lunch. You'd think our biggest fear would be Stew collapsing from a heart attack, stroke or some sort of aneurysm. While these events are all still likely to occur, it seems there's something we overlooked that should forever prohibit Stew from running on the treadmill without adult supervision. First, I have to go back about four years to when Momma bought Stew and herself a health club membership in an attempt to get Stew to drop a few pounds. One day Stew was at the club running on the treadmill. They have little TV's everywhere so you can watch a show and read what they are saying as words scroll across the bottom of the screen. On this particular day, there was apparently a riveting episode of ESPN's Sportscenter. Stew was squinting to read the words because his eye glass prescription is about 10 years old (plus he never wears his glasses). That's when one of his feet missed the actual moving track of the treadmill and, instead, stepped partially on the immobile frame of the machine before slipping back onto the moving track. It's difficult to describe, but basically Stew nearly fell on his face. Luckily, he caught himself and immediately jumped off the machine and started acting like he was stretching out his legs (as if he meant to nearly crush his face on the treadmill track). That was the last day he ever went to the club... so much for the annual membership Momma had bought. So, fast-forward to yesterday. And instead of watching words scroll across the bottom of a TV screen, Stew was watching Claire shoot her hoops while trying to show her the proper technique for shooting a basketball (which apparently is to put on a wool stocking cap, form a "U" with your shooting arm, resting the ball on your fingertips before extending your arm upward and outward toward the basket, snapping your wrist just as your arm becomes fully extended). It was precisely at the point where Stew was flicking his wrist when his left foot slipped off the moving track... and his head came crashing down on the front handlebar of the treadmill. It was not a pleasant experience, unless of course you enjoy the sight of blood gushing out of a head wound (you know who you are... and please stay away from me). So after finding a towel to wrap around his head, Stew gathered up Claire and headed to the clinic. Five stitches and about two and a half hours later, they returned just in time to start dinner.

Under Stew's workout program, he has 10 days off the treadmill coming up. I suspect he'll stick to the plan, but you never know...

And by the way, in case you didn't already figure it out - April Fool's Day! Since it's hard to fool y'all three years in a row, I'm not holding my dog breath that I fooled anyone this year. If I did, then you should be ashamed of yourself (unless you happen to be a new reader who missed out on my pranks the last couple years). Stew is just fine but still hasn't lost any weight.