Chasing tail

I don't mean to beat a dead horse by continuing the use of animal-related idioms, but I've been chasing my tail like a bat out of hell all week. Claire's been going ape about being outside, but I finally found some time to sit down and bang out a post. In the future, I will bear down and attempt to post more regularly, but sometimes I think blogging is for the birds... especially when there are plenty of squirrels and bunnies to be chased outside.

Anyway, first things first. I've nominated myself in a "Best Blog" contest (the link is at the top of the column on the right, or you can simply click this cute kitty picture). Now, since I've yet to sell a single blog t-shirt to any of my four faithful bloggees, I'm not really expecting much from any of you. But the least you could do is to go vote for my blog before the end of the year. It's nominated in four categories, so I'm asking you to vote four times. If you do vote for me, there's a good chance absolutely nothing good will happen to you... and nothing cool will appear on your desktop after your fourth vote... and you will not be granted a wish within the hour (unless that wish is, "I wish I could see more of Newt Gingrich spouting nonsense on television."). But you just might get a warm feeling inside for doing something nice for a friend... unless, of course, you had tacos for lunch, in which case the burning feeling could simply be indigestion.

So last weekend, I got to go stay with my pals Aunt Dee (Rosemount) and Remmy the Black Lab. We explored the local bark park while Momma, Stew, Grandma T and Auntie Karen headed south to Rochester for a wedding. I'm told Claire's godfather, Frank, married his fiance`, Margo, and that it was a fabulous celebration. Claire managed to sneak this postcard into their wedding gift:It's also my understanding both Frank and Margo are doctors. Thank goodness Minnesota is a progressive state where doctors are allowed to engage in "opposite marriage". Then again, Minnesota is home to bat-shit crazy congresswoman, Michele Bachmann, so there's a good chance she'll someday introduce a bill to put a stop to these unholy quack unions! Anyway, there were a few other doctors at the wedding who had attended medical school with the bride and groom. So I can just imagine Stew - being a huge fan of the Chevy Chase movie, Fletch - running around the reception introducing himself as "Dr. Rosenpenis". Plus, there was free beer at the reception, so I'm almost certain he did some other things to shame the family name. Well, according to Momma, Stew could easily have been arrested for stalking the wedding photographer. At one point, Momma overheard Stew asking the photographer, "The virtue of the camera is not the power it has to transform the photographer into an artist, but the impulse it gives her to keep on looking... you know what I mean?" At which point the photographer raised her camera and took a photo of Stew, prompting him to ask, "Why did you do that?" She replied, "So that if I turn up missing, the police will know who to talk to first." With that, Stew scurried away to refill his empty beer glass. But before too long, he bumped into Dan, one of the ushers. Literally. He ran right into the guy. They started talking and upon learning Dan is a freelance writer, Stew immediately turned into a smitten schoolgirl (no offense to any schoolgirls out there, smitten or otherwise). You see, it's long been Stew's dream to be a writer. He also wants to be a professional cowboy, but that's for another blog post at another time. Anyway, Dan graciously suggested that Stew send him "some of his stuff". Unfortunately, the only writings I've ever seen of Stew's have been the notes to Momma that he sticks on the bathroom mirror... such as, "I"m sorry for embarrassing you at Frank's wedding" and "I'm sorry for disappointing you last night... again." But, hopefully, Stew will eventually write something to send to Dan. In the meantime, we look forward with great anticipation to the article Dan is writing for the August or September issue of Runner's World (it's an interview he had with Sarah Palin, which might explain why he was so good at understanding the nonsensical babblings coming out of Stew's mouth)!

On Memorial Day, Claire helped Momma dig holes in which to plant some little yellow flowers. And if there was ever any doubt that Claire's been spending too much time alone with Stew, it was erased when at one point she threw down her toy shovel and announced, "My back hurts! I'm done!" Here are a couple photos from the day... the last pic is supposed to show the fat lip and bruised left eye Claire sustained after taking a spill in the driveway... but you have to look closely to see the damage. So enjoy!

Busy as a.... beaver?

Sorry for the lack of postings, but I've been busy lately. Now, I'm no expert on the work ethic of the American Beaver, but I am familiar with popular English animal-based idioms. Although, come to think of it, I believe the bee is the busy critter I'm thinking of while the beaver falls more into the "eager" category. What I am certain of is that it IS possible to grab a bull by its horns. And you can kill two birds with one stone, but is this theory applicable to squirrels? Sort of makes you think, doesn't it? I know having ants in your pants is not necessarily a bad thing, and herding cats is apparently a difficult proposition (which is why I elect to simply eat them). Speaking of cats, it is not a good idea to let the cat out of the bag. Again, another good reason for simply tossing the entire (preferably burlap) bag of cats into the nearest river or lake. I'm told every dog has its day, but I'm still waiting for mine. Perhaps I'll join the next traveling dog and pony show that comes through town and live high on the hog? Then again that could stir up a hornet's nest around here. I mean, who would take care of Claire if I left? Stew's like a fish out of water around toddlers. And I don't mean to get up on my high horse, but Stew's like a small dog in tall weeds when it comes to parenting, and you can't teach an old dog like him new tricks. Let's face it - Stew's stubborn as a mule. Plus, Claire is still only knee-high to a grasshopper and is happy as a dog with two tails, but Chaska isn't a little one-horse town. I mean, it's a dog eat dog world out there, so Claire needs some positive influence! We don't want her walking into the lion's den unprepared. Rather, we want her growing up knowing the world is her oyster. And while Stew was (and still is) somewhat of the black sheep of his family and still manages to make an ass of himself on a consistent basis, I'm still confident Claire will continue to make me as proud as a peacock while she grows up. In the meantime, going down the slide at the playground is the bee in Claire's bonnet. And if she sees her stroller or the bike + Burley, it's like waving a red flag in front of a bull. All you can do is get out of the way while she charges as fast as she can and jumps into one of her rides and announces, "To the slide!"

Speaking of bike rides in the Burley, Stew and Claire have been going on lots of trips lately... ever since Stew found a dollar bill while riding around the "Richie Rich" neighborhood by the local golf course. Stew's so proud because he thinks he's debunked the theory that money grows on trees wherever rich people dwell. Apparently, since he found the dollar bill on the ground, he hypothesizes that money grows up from the dirt. Sort of like rhubarb. Unfortunately, he's yet to find anymore money growing in the golf course neighborhood, so he assumes he was simply too late for the annual dollar harvest. Better luck next year, Stew.

"This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become The Masters champion ... He's on his final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2 iron I think ... IT'S IN THE HOLE!"

"Can you smell it? I smell mean girls!" Claire senses the presence of the older neighborhood girls who give her dirty looks because they don't like it when Claire messes with their sand sculptures in the community playground sandbox.
Playtime with Momma on Mother's Day
Horsing around on a duck...
Speaking of ducks... here's Claire checking out little ducklings at the local Tractor Supply Company (don't ask what Stew was doing taking her there...).

"Look, Ma... no hands!"

They grow up so fast

It seems like only yesterday that Stew was sitting on the couch in his underwear eating Cheetos and screaming at the television. Come to think of it, it was yesterday. I forgot Stew was watching Glenn Beck on the Fox News Channel again. Stew should really stop doing that or else his head is going to explode. Every time I catch him watching Mr. Beck, I always think to myself, "This is it. This is going to be the day Stew suffers a stroke." But he always seems to pull through despite his certainty that democracy as we know it will soon come to an end. You see, we've never viewed Stew as a glass-half-full kinda guy around here. In fact, he doesn't even see the glass as half-empty. On the contrary, Stew believes the glass is completely empty because someone (most likely an illegal immigrant) stole his water and has pawned the glass for cash. But just last week, Stew managed to surprise our entire family when he announced over dinner that he is helping to form an Early Childhood Family Education Parent Advocacy Group here in Chaska. I'll give you a moment to get up off the floor and back into your chair before I continue. Ready? OK. Sorry to startle you like that, but we were all just as shocked as you. In fact, I nearly made a mess on the dining room floor when I first heard the news. Now, read on...

First off, what exactly is Early Childhood Family Education (ECFE)? Well, up to this point, I've simply referred to it as "Claire's school"... or the 90-minute class Claire and Stew attend every Wednesday morning (they're currently on break until mid-June). More specifically, the ECFE program Claire and Stew attend is one of 330 statewide. As far as we know, Minnesota is one of about three states with an ECFE program. The program incorporates 1) parent-child activity time when Stew and Claire usually shoot hoops at the mini-basketball hoop in the corner of the classroom, followed by 2) parent discussion time where the parents meet with a licensed parent educator to share experiences and information about child development and parenting techniques. And while the parents sit around and bitch about how their little angels are turning into demons, the toddlers participate in 3) child activity time where they learn with a licensed early childhood teacher and teacher aide and practice social skills as they interact with each other (Claire usually hangs out with Miss Ruth, her favorite teacher's aide).

Unbenounced to our family, apparently a lot of people think ECFE is one of two things. Some think it's a program for poor, disadvantaged families who need extra help parenting. While others think ECFE is for privileged homemakers who use the program as "just something to do with the kids to pass the time" (the term coffee klatch came up at Stew's first meeting while discussing existing stigmas of ECFE). The truth is ECFE is simply a program for all families, and it's been great for us. The research is indisputable as to the profound benefits ECFE has on early brain development, parent-child relationships, child development and providing clueless parents like Stew with the tools necessary to (hopefully) raise a confident, bright, empathetic, future starting point guard for the Minnesota Golden Gophers Women's Basketball team.

The reason Stew got involved in this parent advocacy group is because the Minnesota State Legislature came close to severely cutting funding for ECFE this year. But with a nearly $5 billion budget deficit, ECFE and other early childhood education programs are being looked at again for cuts next year. And if Stew's learned anything from watching Glenn Beck, it's that grassroots movements work best if they are fully promoted by the Faux News Channel (see my previous rants about tea bagging). Therefore, Stew has already fired off emails to the socially conscious network requesting to be a guest on The Glenn Beck Show, The O'Reilly Factor, and Hannity's America... although I doubt Stew realizes these are the very folks who will invite him on their shows so they can bash him for supporting the socialism movement that wants to indoctrinate small kids (and their parents) with facts based on scientific research. Facts, especially those based on science, are never welcome on Fox News!

Anyway, I encourage you to please learn more about ECFE by watching the video found HERE. And I think the picture below might provide some insight into why Stew's so passionate about his newly found cause...
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
- Only half of Minnesota's children are fully prepared for kindergarten (which causes a domino effect when extra time has to be spent helping get those kids up-to-speed with the rest of the class... everyone falls behind). A Minnesota study conducted by the state Department of Human Services demonstrated that children in quality child care are measurably more ready for Kindergarten than are children who lack that opportunity. ECFE gives every child this opportunity.
- Every $1 spent on quality early education saves taxpayers up to $12. For example, you won't have to spend those extra dollars on incarcerating a teenager who grew frustrated from being behind in class and decided it was easier to vandalize, steal or break the law in some other way. A barely sufficient one percent of Minnesota's state budget goes to this cause, even though the first five years of life are arguably the most important in forming the character, skills, and outlook of any human being.
- Public benefits of investing in early childhood education includes better performance in K-12 by students, which leads to better-paying jobs, less crime, and less dependence on public assistance in their future.
- Giving all children access to high quality early education helps the next generation reach its full potential. Whether it's ECFE or daycare -- child care is early education! It is not baby-sitting or only a workforce development program; it is about giving our youngest citizens the best quality early learning experience possible, so they can be ready for school and ready to succeed in life.

WTF (What the Fox)?

I'm in shock. I actually found something from the Fox News Channel that I could watch without wanting to jab a sharp stick into my eyes. I recently found a video clip of a story done last month by the Fox & Friends Weekend crew... a group as equally unlikable as the weekly "Friends" cast, except I only have to see these clowns once a week. Anyway, it's a nice little story about stay-at-home dads that might provide a little more insight into what goes on inside the head of a guy who stays home with his daughter (and already suffers from low self-esteem and an extraordinary fear-of-what-others-think-about-him anxiety disorder). Unfortunately, Stew is so anti-social that I doubt he'll ever join a "Daytime Daddy" club like the one shown in the story... although he is open to hanging out with Mike and Marin at the park (he just won't pick up the phone to call them, though).

Anyway, I'm keeping my eye on the Animal Planet channel for an equivalent fluff piece about the psychological effects child rearing has on a stay-at-home dog. In the meantime, here's the little news story from my friends at Fox & Friends Weekend...

And here's a clip from the workout tape Stew's been using in pursuit of his goal to drop 10 pounds by June 1st. Note: Since we don't have an infant around here for some of the exercises, Stew uses a big pot roast instead.

Th-th-th-that's all, folks!

Around here, I take what Vice President Joe Biden says very seriously. Especially when he once said, "You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.... I'm not joking." Therefore, I take Joe at his word when he says to stay out of Mexico, airplanes, cars and closed containers. But I'm taking it a step further and am blogging to you from the pantry closet in our basement. I have a lit candle next to me, and a battery hooked up to the PC with just enough power to generate this post. Once I'm done writing, both the PC and I go into snooze mode until the coast is clear. Stew, on the other hand, is building some sort of bunker at the other end of the basement. Yes, he's been watching Fox News' Glenn Beck again.

Speaking of swine, I hear Mr. Beck is going to have a live audience tonight on his show to discuss what "real Americans" think about the media's coverage of the recent tea-bagging parties. It seems Fox News is a bit upset by how the liberal media portrayed the teabaggers. Of course, according to the Fox News Dictionary, "liberal media" is defined as "Any form of media that is not Fox News or some other blatantly conservative source". So let me get this straight. "Real" Americans are now the people who would actually stand in line to see a Glenn Beck show? I'm confused. When did "real" become synonymous with "crazy"? And are these the same "real" American's Sarah Palin so eloquently talked about during the presidential campaign: "The people in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hardworking, very patriotic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this great nation." As opposed to the seedy underbelly of America that's populated by people with liberal notions, big-city ways and, no doubt, dark skin. Oops... I think I got a little off track, but I look forward to learning how many people of color are actually in the Beck audience tonight.

Anyway... regarding the swine flu pandemic, Claire says, "Bring it on, Pig!" She's not going to let a little virus keep her from enjoying stroller rides to "see the pond" or trips to the park to "see kids play" and to "slide". But we're taking some precautions...
And here are my Alaskan pals, "Wild" Max and daughter Charlotte. This photo was taken after Mt. Redoubt puffed a little ash, but the masks come in handy for swine flu, too...
And here's my Alaskan cousin, Sir Blue LeDoux, protecting his snout from Mt. Redoubt ash. Safety first, people!

NOTE: If you want some more liberal bias regarding the torture topic, then feel free to visit my other blog for my most recent posting. I couldn't resist barking my two cents on the subject...