Well, it's about time!

Have you ever tried to persuade a Fox News Channel "follower" to take a step back and possibly consider that their news source is a little bit less than credible... that perhaps they are operating off an entirely different set of facts than those of us who choose to lampoon Fox News because of its clear bias? Well, unless you enjoy the sensation of beating your head against a brick wall, perhaps you've avoided such confrontations. As for me, I rather enjoy it... but usually only over the safety of the Internet or a social networking site like FaceBook (sorry again, Aunt Julie, for attacking your fellow high school alumn on FB... but I recall you admitting to me that he is a complete tool, therefore I feel completely justified in doing so).

Anyway, ever since Fox News got a giant boner and decided to throw even more red meat to the teabagger community by manufacturing a "War on Fox" -- purportedly being waged by the White House because a WH rep dared to speak the truth about Fox News -- I've been waiting for either Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert to produce a poignant satire of this situation. And last night, Jon Stewart finally delivered...

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
For Fox Sake!
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Time to come clean

If you know me, then you know I like to clean myself periodically. Stew calls it "showing off", but I prefer to call it what it is - good hygiene. Anyway, I'm not talking about that sort of cleaning. Instead, it's time to set the record straight on a few items... in no particular order.

1) My unauthorized use of a photograph.
Normally I like to get a person's permission before plastering their mug on the Internet where, in the case of my blog, four to six other people will see it. I'm referring to the gorgeous photo of Pierre's very own Mike Mueller that can be found in my October 15th "More cowbell" post. In Mueller's own comment to the post, he (sarcastically) thanks Stew for posting "...my Bob Gray-sized head...on your blog." Shown at right is an unauthorized photo of (now) SoDak Senator Bob Gray's aforementioned head... and torso. Let's face it. Mueller doesn't have a large head, and the only thing bigger than Bob Gray's head is the Legend of Bob Gray's Jacket. Seriously. Those who know of the legend know the jacket has (allegedly) been around the world and back. I believe the legend is chronicled by Dr. Mike Bietz (another Pierre favorite of mine) on his old Crapola2000 website, but I could be wrong. Regardless, Mueller's head is chock-full of a repertoire of wit. I'm told Mueller is a remarkably adroit and determined quipster... very GrossBurger-esque. And those who had the pleasure of knowing GrossBurger will know this is the highest praise I can give someone, and it's befitting the man known simply as "Mueller".

2) Sh!t happens... and so does editing!
If you're one of the handful of folks who subscribe to my blog, then you know you receive an email containing each blog post the second it's posted. Essentially, you're getting the first draft of each post, and what you might not know is that I usually end up making changes to the post that you might not ever see. For example, sometimes I come up with a different way of saying Glenn Beck followers are insane or Sarah Palin is a buffoon (seriously, who wears pantyhose with running shorts... besides Stew?). So, I usually update the post; therefore, you might want to actually visit the blog from time to time to see what you're missing. Or not. Whatever.

3) Happy (belated) Birthday, Heidi!
One of my four faithful bloggees, and one cool chick!

4) Stew's weight loss = smoke and mirrors
I previously reported Stew lost 12 lbs in the first three weeks of his and Momma's new weight-loss program (using Weight Watchers). What I failed to mention is that in the two-week period prior to starting Weight Watchers, Stew put on about 10 pounds in a fit of sloth and gluttony (by spending 14 days lying on the couch eating gallons of ice cream smothered in Hershey's Chocolate Syrup). So, while he's now lost 14 lbs since starting the program, it only looks like he's lost five. And when Momma was in Fargo last weekend, Stew expected her to return with words of congratulations and encouragement from our Fargo friends. Instead, she came home to tell Stew everyone was "pissed off" and very determined to lose more weight than him. So now it's game on! Unfortunately, Stew operates through fear of failure, which means that if he doesn't try, then he can't technically fail. However, when he was an award-winning salesman of high-quality furniture sold at a modest price, he learned to be motivated by fear of being fired. So, we're trying to convince Stew to treat his weight-loss program as a job. And if our Fargo friends are nice, Stew just might let you touch his 6-pack abs at our annual New Year's Weekend at the cabin (there's a hot tub this year!)... which gave my Aunt Michelle the idea of sending this video clip to the eight other adults attending this year's upcoming New Year's Festivus. Come to think of it, Will Ferrell's character in this old Saturday Night Live skit does have a striking resemblance to my swingin' Uncle Pete.

For those about to rock...

We salute you!

The day after Claire's birthday, we woke up to find her downstairs (still in her Dora the Explorer overnight "Big Kid Pants") giving an impromptu jam session on her new piano (also known as a "pee-no" in toddler world). She's clearly well on her way to a remarkable career in the music industry (minus all the hillbilly tomfoolery of the likes of Britney Spears... we hope).

So, here's a little tribute video I threw together on the cheap to salute Claire's future #1 hit song, "It Doesn't Go in the Microphone". Please enjoy...

WARNING: This video contains sound; however, it doesn't begin until the 53 second mark of the clip. It's strongly suggested that you NOT adjust your volume upward during the first 52 seconds of the clip. You have been warned.

Weight, weight... Don't tell me!

Well, you might as well all know the little secret I've been keeping. Ever since we learned about a couple different family friends who have experienced successful results following Weight Watchers, Momma convinced Stew to join the program with her in an attempt to curve his skyrocketing weight gain back down toward earth. Some might know the program assigns "points" to all different kinds of food, and you are allowed to eat so many points per day... which means you go to bed starving each night. But since it costs money to join Weight Watchers, I think Momma figured Stew would be obligated to follow the program. However, she's either in denial or has forgotten about the last time she spent money buying an annual family membership to the Northwest Athletic Club when we lived in Robbinsdale. At that time, Stew went to the gym about 4-5 times within the first two weeks but never returned. Anyway, Momma and Stew are in their third full week of the program, and the results are shocking. Stew actually lost 10 lbs in the first two weeks and is on his way to losing 2-3 more pounds this week. I don't know Momma's results... all I do know is that Stew is kicking her butt (although he has lots more to lose than her). Stew's goal is to get back to his "playin' weight"... which apparently refers to how much he weighed a couple years after college when he fancied himself quite the "ladies man" back in Pierre (which a handful of disappointed women can attest to). So, Stew's about half-way to his goal... but yesterday presented a few challenges. Allow me to explain...

Stew was in charge of baking Claire's Red Velvet Birthday Cake, one slice of which is probably a day's worth of Weight Watchers' points. Anyway, Stew says he baked it "from scratch" because I think he thinks making it from a box actually IS "from scratch" since he's not buying the cake from a bakery. Momma decided to just let this go since she was happy that he would take care of preparing a dessert. So first thing Thursday morning, Stew and Claire baked the two round cakes that would eventually become the Leaning Tower of Pastry shown in my previous post. All was going well, and Stew removed the cakes from the oven and put them on a cooling rack to, well, cool. About 30 minutes later, while Stew was following his daily ritual of responding to SPAM emails offering free Viagra, Claire entered the office and presented her hands to Stew and stated, "I got cake on my fingers!" This sent Stew bolting out of his chair toward the kitchen... where he discovered Claire's engineer/scientist gene had finally kicked in (the gene is complements of Stew's siblings). They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so here's about 3,000 words for y'all:
Despite Claire's ability to design a plan involving the placement of a conduit between the floor and the counter top in order to achieve maximum ascension for the purpose of digging into the cake, it still turned out alright... just a little lopsided. Fortunately, it actually doesn't taste all that good, so Stew doesn't think he'll eat any more of it this weekend while Momma is in Fargo. However, I do know he has plans to make a chicken-finger-chili-dog-pizza with gravy for dinner tonite (gravy on the side, of course). So we'll see how he actually fares with his weight-loss program.

In the meantime, more pictures of Claire opening some more birthday gifts! Please note the red around Claire's mouth is not clown make-up but is actually smeared on red velvet cake.

There's something furry inside here...

Bogey sniffs the monkey's butt to make sure he's kid-safe.
Claire has Momma's "hoarder" gene and is careful not to destroy the bow so that it can be used later... and I just sealed my own death sentence by referring to Momma as a "hoarder". Please pray for me.

The orangutan seems to be enjoying himself, too!

Now if we could only teach Stew how to brush Claire's hair... maybe eventually train him to put her hair in a ponytail or pigtails or even use barrettes. Then maybe Claire wouldn't look like a hobo child in school next to all the other girls whose stay-at-home moms know how to make cute hairdos. Then again Claire doesn't need a stylist to be the coolest kid in class!

And finally... a little hay ride before bedtime...

You say it's your birthday?

Well Happy Birthday to ya!

Claire turned three years old today, so we had a little family birthday party for her last night since Momma is going to FarGOOOOH tonite to party with Aunts Michelle, Susan and Veronica. We'll have another birthday party for Claire when Grandma Helen and Auntie Karen come over next weekend. In the meantime, here are just a few highlights from last night. More to come later...

Oh, Dear God, who made this horrible Leaning Tower of Pastry?!?! It looks like Betty Crocker has fallen and she can't get up!
I'm THIS many! Now can we eat this massive frosting-covered blob?

Thanks to Grandma Stewart for sending this baby baby grand piano, we got to listen to Claire's rendition of Billy Joel's "Piano Man" all night long last night... and, so far, all of this morning... and I suspect it will continue through the weekend. At least Claire knows a song other than wedding songs and church hymns like Momma plays. Someone... ANYONE... PLEASE SEND SHEET MUSIC!!! Preferably some 1980's hits!

More cowbell!

Alright. I think I'm ready to come clean and tell y'all where we went on our recent road trip. You know, the trip where I was to be sedated because I hate to travel. In fact, I'd rather watch back-to-back-to-back episodes of Fox & Friends in the Morning than be placed in the back of Stew's SUV for eight hours. First off, the sedative didn't work... unless the intent of it was to give me symptoms of delirium tremens for the entire trip. It was only this past weekend when I finally stopped feeling snakes crawling on my back. Luckily, I was spared the so-called "sedative" for the long journey home. Anyway, getting back to our trip... A few weekends ago we visited Stew's homeland of Pierre, SoDak, for Mike "Hello, Mueller" Mueller's 40th birthday festivus (Seinfeld fans might catch one or both Seinfeldian references here). I was previously prohibited from disclosing our destination out of fear that someone would tip off the local authorities. As luck would have it, this was one of the few times Stew was able to visit his hometown without actually finding himself in the backseat of a police cruiser (ask Stew about Uncle Jimmy's bachelor party sometime...). And it was a fabulous weekend. Claire and I got to visit Steamboat Park for the first time ever, and the grown ups got to catch up with good friends. Speaking of good friends... Stew got to hangout with childhood pal (and fellow U of SoDak alumn) Trevor Jones and his family for a few hours, where Claire picked up a free scooter from the Jones girls. And before heading to the Izaak Walton Clubhouse for the birthday bash, Momma, Stew and Claire spent some time with the Smith Family (Mary, Addy and Jeff... also known as "SmitHead"). I'm told SmitHead broke out his world famous Vodka Slushies for a little pre-party primer:

Smithead’s Famous Slush

Boil 7 cups of water.
Take two cups of the boiling water and steep 4 bags of green tea. Let this cool.

To the remaining 5 cups of water add the following:

2 cups sugar

1 - 12 oz can frozen orange juice

1 - 12 oz can frozen lemonade

3 cups gin or vodka

Place in freezer for 24 hours.

Scoop slush into a glass and serve with 7-Up or Sprite.

Hold onto your socks because it's gonna be a long night!

Do yourself a favor and whip up a batch. You'll be glad you did... at least until the next morning, when you'll find yourself cursing "SmitHead!" over and over again in your head (another Seinfeldian reference for you Newman fans).

Anyway, I'm told the party was wonderful and a record number of Budweisers were consumed. And it turns out Claire is quite the dance machine, although none of Stew's phone camera pics turned out worth a darn. Apparently the phone camera lens mimics what the person pointing the camera sees, therefore all the pics are blurry. Plus, no faces are visible on any photos that include a woman in the shot (just a bunch of blurry boobs). Regardless, I simply must post at least one pic of Mueller on stage with the band playing his favorite (musical) instrument.
Momma and Claire headed back to the hotel around 8pm, while Stew stayed out with Mueller, SmitHead and a bunch of other pals. Stew eventually left the crew at The Legion Cabin sometime around midnight and wandered by himself to the Ker McGee Truck Stop for a [quote] "big-ass omelet". By 11am the next morning, we were heading back home.

But speaking of The Legion Cabin, Stew was pleasantly surprised to find high school friend, "Reverend" Rob Krogstad, tending bar that night. Sidenote: while living in Alaska, Rob formed his own church via the internet many years ago, thus he's now known by his followers as "Reverend Rob". One of the nicest guys you'll ever meet, it turns out Rob also invented The Paddlepac - an inflatable raft that connects to a kayak with metal poles linked to a belt the kayaker wears. The device can hold coolers, pets, camping gear, bicycles and more.There's a cool article in the Pierre Capital Journal newspaper about Rob and his new business venture. Check it out HERE... and be sure to visit the PaddlePac website HERE. Good luck, Reverend!

Fair & Balanced... but not so FABULOUS!

I'm taking the easy way out today by posting some funny The Daily Show with Jon Stewart clips pertaining to the gay rights march on Washington last weekend. Part of the clip has Stewart comparing the Fox News coverage of the gay rights event to its coverage of the Teabaggers a month or so ago. The clip also highlights Fox's fair and balanced coverage of the (manufactured) outrage over NJ elementary school children singing their "Mmm, mmm, mmm, Barack Hussein Obama" song (one of a medley of songs designed to engage the children in an activity to recognize famous and accomplished African Americans during Black History Month... seven months ago). Claire overheard Stew talking to his parent educator today about how to promote the school district's Early Childhood Family Education program. Stew has an idea of creating a similar YouTube video showing Claire and her classmates waving "I [heart] Obama" flags while marching in unison around their classroom (picture 3-yr old toddlers doing the goose-step and waving their flags). Stew said "...we'd get 24/7 coverage by Fox News and really raise awareness." Apparently the teacher just gave Stew a blank stare and slowly backed away from him.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Queer and Loathing in D.C.
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Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Ron Paul Interview

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Queer and Loathing in D.C. - Radical Gay Agenda
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Ron Paul Interview

I love, I love, I love my calendar girl(s)

This post goes out to Neil Sedaka... as well as to my friend Parker, who challenged me (sort of) via his Parker's Midweek Update to write this post. Note to Parker: my Momma says, "Please... don't encourage him!" Too late, Momma...

Keeping with the tradition of commenting on news stories after they've stewed for about a week and are no longer relevant, I'm here to tell you about the latest pin-up girl calendar (and by "pin-up girl" I mean "zealous fanatic woman of the extreme Right Wing"). That's right, the Clare Boothe Luce Policy Institute, a think tank geared toward female Conservatives, has released its fifth annual “Great American Conservative Women” calendar this month.The calendar is designed to celebrate strong female Conservatives and inspire young women to follow in their footsteps. God help us all. I've never heard anything more frightening!

Here are just a few of the little darlings featured in the calendar:

Phyllis Schlafly, Political Activist: One of 85-yr old Schlafly's claims to fame was her opposition to feminism and the Equal Rights Amendment in the 1970's. And now she's a pin-up girl. Weird, huh? And once the calendar is in full circulation, I'm sure that on any given night on the campus of televangelist Pat Robertson's (uber-conservative) Regent University School of Law (proud sponsor of the Bush Justice Department) you will hear ecstatic cries of "Oh... Mrs. Schlafly!" emanating from the male dorms (ooh, I just threw up in my mouth a little). And here's an awkward side note to consider - Mrs. Schlafly's eldest son is "a gay" (gasp)! Oh how I'd love to be a fly on the wall at the Schlafly house during Thanksgiving dinner... a fruit fly, of course.

Ann Coulter, Author & Infamous Tranny: Up until about a year ago, I thought Coulter was just a misinformed transvestite. Seriously. A few years ago I was monitoring Fox News and saw Coulter spewing vile rhetoric about gays and thought to myself, "Why is this dude being so hateful toward the GLBT community?" I realize there's a difference between a transvestite and a male-to-female transgendered person... and that not all crossdressing men are gay... but I don't want to get into the specifics of how I know this. Frankly, it's not important. The point is a tranny should have a bit more compassion for the gay community. Anyway, about a year later, I heard Mr. Anne say, "I'm more of a man than any liberal." Huh? What? Now can you understand my confusion? Anyway, he/she also wants "...Jews to be perfected" (by turning them into Christians, of course), and has a dream of taking a woman's right to vote away, saying "If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president." I'm simply shocked to learn Ann Coulter isn't married yet. She seems so delightful.

Michelle Malkin, Author/Blogger: Here's yet another hate-mongering author and "Fox News Contributor" who Geraldo Rivera once called, "...the most vile, hateful commentator I've ever met in my life. She actually believes that neighbors should start snitching out neighbors, and we should be deporting people." Geraldo is the only reason I occasionally turn to Fox News. Plus, he's especially hilarious when he's trying to be serious. Does anyone remember his live broadcast of The Mystery of Al Capone's Vault? Classic Geraldo. Anyway, Michelle Malkin is gross.

Michelle Bachmann, Bat-Shit Crazy Minnesota Congresswoman: When she's not hosting a fundraiser for the anti-gay Minnesota Family Institute or speaking on the House Floor about the dangers of sex clinics in public schools "whisking girls away to have abortions" or claiming the sole purpose of the United States Census (now that a socialist Democrat is president) is to collect data on Conservatives so they can easily be rounded up and placed in internment camps, she's warming the cockles of my heart. Seriously, folks. I can't make this stuff up. The woman is a clown. But at least her anti-government rhetoric hasn't (possibly) caused any unstable people to lynch a Census Bureau worker or anything crazy like that. Oh, that's right. Anyway, I'll give Ms. Bachmann credit for her physical attractiveness. She's oddly mesmerizing with her crazy eyes and all, and she actually makes a good calendar girl. She possesses all the qualities horny guys that purchase sexy pin-up girl calendars seek in a woman - good looks, lack of intelligence, and a whole lotta crazy!

I don't have time to get into the biographies of all these amazing women, but I assume you all know how to utilize the Google machine. Besides, you don't want to get me started on the former Miss California... who has now taught young girls everywhere that beauty is much more important in life than actual intelligence. Plus, if you can make yourself out to be a victim, then you just might make it into a Conservative women calendar yourself! Well done, Carrie!

Now in the interest of full disclosure, I have to come clean on a bit of my past for which I am not real proud. I, too, have been part of a calendar. More specifically, it was a beefcake calendar created by Puppy Love Magazine. I was a young pup and easily influenced... and I was Mr. December (I didn't even get any decent pet insurance quotes out of it). I'm posting a photo of the calendar below. Please note I've redacted my age due to some potential illegalities I wish to avoid. Additionally, I've strategically placed a bone graphic over my... well, you know. The photographer's assistant (known in the industry as a "fluffer") stood beside the photographer tempting me with a leash while excitedly repeating, "Who wants to go for a walk?!?! Who wants to go for a walk?!?!" Show me a dog that doesn't get turned-on by that, and I'll show you a dog that is obviously dead. Anyway, that's why I had to place the bone graphic on the photo. Sorry Grandma...

America's Finest News Source

If I didn't download these clips myself from The Onion, I seriously would've thought they were directly from the Fox News Channel. I mean, this is pretty much how Fox reports the news.. except there isn't an overabundance of bubble-headed blond "news models" like you find on Fox.


Poll: Happy, Healthy Obamas Out Of Touch With Miserable Americans

And here's one for the 2nd Amendment folks out there...

Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar

Note to Self:

Never EVER challenge these guys to a game of Beer Pong...