Stimulate me!

Are you still trying to figure out how to spend your economic stimulus check? It's my understanding it's a big decision. Fortunately, I don't have to worry about it since I don't get the rebate. You see, Stew and Momma apparently failed to list me as a "dependent" on their tax return again this year (I blame way-too-honest-tax-man-extraordinaire, Andy Jacobs of Jacobs Financial, for the screw up)! So, instead of drowning myself in Milkbone dog biscuits, I get nuthin'. Stew, on the other hand, has already purchased $600 worth of Chili Corn Chips, while Momma and Claire have put their money into savings (suckers!).

But, in the event you're still sitting on your $600 worth of stimuli, I thought I'd give you Bogart's Top 5 Recession Buster Ideas:

5) Buy our neighbors some hubcaps for the multitude of vehicles they have parked in their driveway and on the street. There are three people who live next door, but they own five vehicles between them. Unfortunately, the one vehicle that's in mint condition is parked in the garage at all times. That leaves the driveway and street available for the two compact cars, one sedan that doesn't run (not to mention a flat tire), and a rusted out Tommy Bradford van - which is a VW van for those too young to know about the classic 1980's TV show character from Eight is Enough played by Willie Aames. And each vehicle is missing AT LEAST one hubcap. If I were a cup-half-full kinda dog, then I'd say "at least these cars aren't up on blocks!" But I'm not that kind of dog, so on second thought, forget the hubcaps and just send a couple tow trucks!

4) Buy Stew a riding lawnmower (he likes to call it a "lawn tractor") so that he finally shuts up about buying a hobby farm in Delano! The only reason Stew wants a hobby farm in Delano (a small town about 30 minutes west of the Minneapolis metro area for you non-Minnesotans) is so he can get a lawn tractor to maintain the acres upon acres of lawn he anticipates having. However, I submit to you that if you were to purchase him a lawn tractor - preferably with red flames painted on its side - Stew would be perfectly fine living in a loft in downtown Minneapolis. He just wants a lawn tractor. Period. But I fear Stew would get arrested for mowing down Hennepin Avenue pedestrians while enroute home from O'Donovan's Pub on a Saturday night if we moved downtown. Plus, where the heck would I play... or poop? If folks don't take kindly to gang banger gun play in downtown Minneapolis, I doubt they'll tolerate a dog droppin' a deuce on the sidewalk in the middle of Nicollet Mall (unless said deuce were to plop atop a poster of Osama). Anyway, for those planning to have a lawn tractor delivered to Stew, please take note: No John Deeres! According to Grandpa Bob, "John Deere" is to "lawn tractor" as "Ford" is to "pick-up". Translation: "junk". Grandpa Bob likes red tractors and Chevy trucks. And he's a farmer, so he knows of which he speaks.

3) Pay for me to go to treatment for the severe passive aggressive affliction that contributes to my trashing good, honest, hard-working people on this blog. Let's face it, I'll never be able to confront someone to their face ala Hell's Kitchen's Chef Gordon Ramsay (that guy's my hero, you fat cows!). Instead, I hide in cyberspace and use this blog as my mouthpiece. And then somebody out there goes and sends my blog to Pam the Realtor -- a kick-ass realtor, I might add -- so that she can read my words rippin' on her without all the facts to support my unjust claims. My apologies again to Pam. But a word of warning to the mystery RE/MAX agent and the Keller-Williams realtor, neither of which ever showed up for their respective scheduled appointments. Once I learn your names, I will slap you upside the head with a blog entry you'll never forget! Yes, that's right. Be afraid... be very afraid. In the meantime, I anticipate our neighbors will be showing up at the door wanting to whack me over the nose with a newspaper after they read this post 10 minutes after it hits the Internets. Our neighbors are way cool... they just happen to have more vehicles than I think they need... with way less hubcaps than I think is appropriate.

2) Contribute your government rebate check to an organization that fights wasteful government partisan politics! One such organization is R-Calf USA - a national, non-profit organization dedicated to ensuring the continued profitability and viability of the U.S. cattle industry. Plus, R-Calf USA is a major proponent of mandatory country-of-origin labeling (COOL) for beef sold in the United States. American consumers today are often unable to distinguish U.S. beef from imported product. Meat products from the U.S., Canada, and Australia can be sold side by side with no distinguishing labels or other origin information. Even consumers who want to seek out U.S. beef too often have no way of knowing where the product they purchase comes from. In fact, it's easier for you to find out where your toys and clothes are manufactured than to learn the origin of the food you eat (so enjoy that package of lead-tainted Beef Lo Mein you just bought). Although COOL was passed into law in the 2002 Farm Bill, implementation has been delayed as a result of an aggressive campaign against the law on the part of meatpacker, processor, and retailer lobbyists (Wal-Mart has more to do with the price you pay for beef than you realize... even though you probably don't even buy Wal-Mart meat... they have enough power to affect what you pay at your neighborhood grocery store). Okay... you got me. I stole this idea from Grandpa Bob, who is a hard-working cattle (and pork) producer. Together with Grandma Helen, they are a perfect example of the American Family Farm. And it's simply criminal how much power corporate farms and retailers yield in Washington, D.C. (with Republicans and Democrats alike). Plus, I hate Wal-Mart, so please don't shop there. Oh, and fight the power and support the American farmer!

And the #1 way for you to spend your economic stimulus check... spend it on me!

1) BUY YOURSELF -- AND YO MOMMA -- AN OFFICIAL STAY-AT-HOME DOG BLOG T-SHIRT! That's right - I've opened a t-shirt shop at Cafe Press called Bogey's Boutique. It was free, so the price was just right. Unfortunately, with the free "basic shop" I opened, I can only offer one design per t-shirt style... as opposed to offering you a plethra of t-shirt designs from which to choose. Also, I really have no say over the shirt price. It is what it is (a bit high if you ask me). But you've got $600 burning a hole in your pocket, so you might as well buy a dozen or so shirts. You can knock $3 off the cost of the shirt if you only want a design printed on one side of your shirt... but you'll have to email me to request that I modify the design so you can save three bones and buy a shirt. There's a 30-day money back guarantee, so just bite the bullet and load up on t-shirts. I plan to make other designs as soon as I find more artwork to steal off the Internets... Thanks in advance for your huge order (that's what she said)!