Since it's been a while since my last blog post, I thought I'd give you a little scoop on the poop that's been stinkin' up our doghouse over the past week or so. And since most things that occur in our house can be termed as "backasswards", I'll start with the most recent events first...
First and foremost, I need to give a BIG bark and howl to my Fargo dawgs (not to mention their respective dogs)! I have several folk I consider aunts and uncles in Fargo (Veronica, Matthew, Michelle, Peter, Naiya, Russell... plus their many friends we've met over the years). Last Saturday night's report had them all safe and dry (and enroute to a Thai restaurant of all places). Here we thought they'd all be huddled in an attic somewhere with various flotation devices around their necks, but this just goes to show Fargonians are a tough breed (albeit just a tad bit crazy... and wood-chipper happy). And my Fargo pals have all been sandbagging for the past week or so... which up until now I thought was only a term used by Momma to describe Stew's level of effort in the bedroom (as in deliberately performing at a lower level than one is actually capable of). Who knew sandbagging could have two totally opposite meanings? My bet is Peter Karl knew. He's brilliant, despite the fact he's a big fan of the unwatchable TV show, The Mentalist. Anyway, as most folk know, Fargo is now being hit with a winter storm including high wind gusts that could impact the river and the temporary levees. As Aunt Veronica recently wrote, "I guess we're ready for anything... except locust!" Luckily, there is no such thing as a winter locust. Trust me. I checked, and I'm an expert with the Google. Hang in there, Fargonians!
Today, Stew resumed his workout program which apparently consists of two days in a row of running on the treadmill, followed by 10 days of sitting on his ass. Under this program, he's managed to gain two pounds... although it's my understanding he's actually trying to lose weight. He's also popping fish oil tablets at the advice of a doctor after a recent wellness exam. Prior to his using the couch as an exercise machine, Stew actually played basketball a couple nights per week (that was five years ago). But he gave up hoops because he could never straighten his back the next morning after playing ball. He went to see MD's, chiropractors and a physical therapist. All of them told Stew the same thing: his back would get stronger if and only if he worked on his abdominal muscles. Apparently what Stew heard was, "completely replace your abdominal muscles with about 25 lbs of blubber and pretend your back feels better." Recently I saw Stew shirtless, and I'm pretty sure I saw man boobs forming on his chest (and not the good kind like the dude has in the photo to the right). Needless to say, his back still hurts and will "go out" if he walks too far or stands too long (like when he stood in the beer tent at the Herreid, SD, Centennial Celebration for about six straight hours a few years ago... which eventually lead to a visit to the Emergency Room the next day after he couldn't get up off the floor).
So here's a video clip showing Claire and Stew working out this morning. The sound you'll hear is Stew attempting to sing along with the 1980's music he has loaded on the iPod. You just might want to mute the sound on your PC while watching. You've been warned.
GIRL GONE WILD
The good thing about Claire misbehaving during her Spring Break was that I was the benefactor of one of her most mischievous acts. The day after Stew slow cooked a big pork roast we received from Grandpa and Grandma's farm, he had a Tupperware container full of BBQ pork sitting on the kitchen counter. Apparently Stew was distracted by something shiny. More specifically, the newest Fox News multi-millionaire, assclown, political commentator (Glenn Beck) was ranting about how everyone needs to fear impending socialism, so Stew left the kitchen to go sit on the couch to soak in the propaganda like a sponge. And this was all the time Claire needed. She reached up, snagged the BBQ pork, took it into the front room and set the pork down in front of me... then she gave me a wink and a smile. And that's all I needed to finish the pound of BBQ pork in record time. Stew was not amused as there's not much in this world he enjoys as much as his BBQ pork. Luckily for me - not to mention the rest of the family - Claire did not serve any baked beans with the meat.
All in all, it was a fun Spring Break for most of us. I'd tell ya more, but it's time for me to go get dinner started. Smell ya later!