I love, I love, I love my calendar girl(s)

This post goes out to Neil Sedaka... as well as to my friend Parker, who challenged me (sort of) via his Parker's Midweek Update to write this post. Note to Parker: my Momma says, "Please... don't encourage him!" Too late, Momma...

Keeping with the tradition of commenting on news stories after they've stewed for about a week and are no longer relevant, I'm here to tell you about the latest pin-up girl calendar (and by "pin-up girl" I mean "zealous fanatic woman of the extreme Right Wing"). That's right, the Clare Boothe Luce Policy Institute, a think tank geared toward female Conservatives, has released its fifth annual “Great American Conservative Women” calendar this month.The calendar is designed to celebrate strong female Conservatives and inspire young women to follow in their footsteps. God help us all. I've never heard anything more frightening!

Here are just a few of the little darlings featured in the calendar:

Phyllis Schlafly, Political Activist: One of 85-yr old Schlafly's claims to fame was her opposition to feminism and the Equal Rights Amendment in the 1970's. And now she's a pin-up girl. Weird, huh? And once the calendar is in full circulation, I'm sure that on any given night on the campus of televangelist Pat Robertson's (uber-conservative) Regent University School of Law (proud sponsor of the Bush Justice Department) you will hear ecstatic cries of "Oh... Mrs. Schlafly!" emanating from the male dorms (ooh, I just threw up in my mouth a little). And here's an awkward side note to consider - Mrs. Schlafly's eldest son is "a gay" (gasp)! Oh how I'd love to be a fly on the wall at the Schlafly house during Thanksgiving dinner... a fruit fly, of course.

Ann Coulter, Author & Infamous Tranny: Up until about a year ago, I thought Coulter was just a misinformed transvestite. Seriously. A few years ago I was monitoring Fox News and saw Coulter spewing vile rhetoric about gays and thought to myself, "Why is this dude being so hateful toward the GLBT community?" I realize there's a difference between a transvestite and a male-to-female transgendered person... and that not all crossdressing men are gay... but I don't want to get into the specifics of how I know this. Frankly, it's not important. The point is a tranny should have a bit more compassion for the gay community. Anyway, about a year later, I heard Mr. Anne say, "I'm more of a man than any liberal." Huh? What? Now can you understand my confusion? Anyway, he/she also wants "...Jews to be perfected" (by turning them into Christians, of course), and has a dream of taking a woman's right to vote away, saying "If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president." I'm simply shocked to learn Ann Coulter isn't married yet. She seems so delightful.

Michelle Malkin, Author/Blogger: Here's yet another hate-mongering author and "Fox News Contributor" who Geraldo Rivera once called, "...the most vile, hateful commentator I've ever met in my life. She actually believes that neighbors should start snitching out neighbors, and we should be deporting people." Geraldo is the only reason I occasionally turn to Fox News. Plus, he's especially hilarious when he's trying to be serious. Does anyone remember his live broadcast of The Mystery of Al Capone's Vault? Classic Geraldo. Anyway, Michelle Malkin is gross.

Michelle Bachmann, Bat-Shit Crazy Minnesota Congresswoman: When she's not hosting a fundraiser for the anti-gay Minnesota Family Institute or speaking on the House Floor about the dangers of sex clinics in public schools "whisking girls away to have abortions" or claiming the sole purpose of the United States Census (now that a socialist Democrat is president) is to collect data on Conservatives so they can easily be rounded up and placed in internment camps, she's warming the cockles of my heart. Seriously, folks. I can't make this stuff up. The woman is a clown. But at least her anti-government rhetoric hasn't (possibly) caused any unstable people to lynch a Census Bureau worker or anything crazy like that. Oh, that's right. Anyway, I'll give Ms. Bachmann credit for her physical attractiveness. She's oddly mesmerizing with her crazy eyes and all, and she actually makes a good calendar girl. She possesses all the qualities horny guys that purchase sexy pin-up girl calendars seek in a woman - good looks, lack of intelligence, and a whole lotta crazy!

I don't have time to get into the biographies of all these amazing women, but I assume you all know how to utilize the Google machine. Besides, you don't want to get me started on the former Miss California... who has now taught young girls everywhere that beauty is much more important in life than actual intelligence. Plus, if you can make yourself out to be a victim, then you just might make it into a Conservative women calendar yourself! Well done, Carrie!

Now in the interest of full disclosure, I have to come clean on a bit of my past for which I am not real proud. I, too, have been part of a calendar. More specifically, it was a beefcake calendar created by Puppy Love Magazine. I was a young pup and easily influenced... and I was Mr. December (I didn't even get any decent pet insurance quotes out of it). I'm posting a photo of the calendar below. Please note I've redacted my age due to some potential illegalities I wish to avoid. Additionally, I've strategically placed a bone graphic over my... well, you know. The photographer's assistant (known in the industry as a "fluffer") stood beside the photographer tempting me with a leash while excitedly repeating, "Who wants to go for a walk?!?! Who wants to go for a walk?!?!" Show me a dog that doesn't get turned-on by that, and I'll show you a dog that is obviously dead. Anyway, that's why I had to place the bone graphic on the photo. Sorry Grandma...