Animal House

A great man once said, "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son." The man was Dean Vernon Wormer of Faber College, and the words are from the 1978 classic, Animal House. They're words to live by, and I try my best to follow his advice. I've got the drunk and stupid part down pat, but I've let my weight climb a bit in recent years. I joined Weight Watchers in January, but I eventually grew tired of going to bed starving every night, so I quit. And I try going to the community center gym, but all the 75+ yr old men insist on walking around the locker room naked with their towel slung over their shoulder instead of wrapped around their waste. It's gross! If I want to see hanging meat, I'll go to a butcher shop.

In other news, Claire's Auntie Karen sent me a funny email earlier this week. She was forwarding an email she got from Grandma Thullner's cousin Ed. The subject of the email is Why having a toddler is like being at a frat party. Not only is it funny, but it's eerily accurate. Of course, I had to add my own commentary, because that's how I roll.

WHY HAVING A TODDLER IS LIKE BEING AT A FRAT PARTY

10. There are half-full, brightly-colored plastic cups on the floor in every room. Three are in the bathtub (along with my souvenir plastic beer cup from the 2002 PGA Championship held at Chaska's Hazeltine National Golf Club).

9. There's always that one girl, bawling her eyes out in a corner. And sometimes that one girl looks a lot like a 6'2" 200 pound 40+ yr old man with crooked teeth and blotchy skin. Seriously. I had a beer guzzling contest with that girl in college at a Lambda Chi Alpha frat party... and I lost.

8. It's best not to assume that the person closest to you has any control over their digestive function. Farting at the dinner table is Claire's favorite past time.

7. You sneak off to the bathroom knowing that as soon as you sit down, someone's going to start banging on the door. Or Claire will just walk right in while asking, "Papa, what are you doing?" I decided to stop locking the door in order to avoid the annoying banging. So the first time Claire walked in and saw me, she decided she wanted to learn how to pee standing up... which brings us to #6 below.

6. Probably 80 percent of the stains on the furniture contain DNA. And when you add our carpeting into the mix, the percentage shoots up to 100 percent because of Bogey's doggie DNA. Although there is one spot near the sofa where it's all Claire after she decided to try peeing standing up.

5. You've got someone in your face at 3:00 AM looking for a drink... or to warn you that you're about to make a BIG mistake. The latter was the case at our house late Monday night. Linda was to fly out of town Tuesday for a short business trip, so she and Claire retired upstairs early to pack an overnight bag. As is usually the case, the two fell asleep on the bed before doing any actual packing. Before I climbed into bed, I transported Claire to her own bedroom. Then, at precisely 3:14AM, I was awakened by the words, "You forgot to pack your bag!" I rolled over, and there was Claire on the other side of the bed - her face inches from Linda's face - whispering quite loudly, "You forgot to pack your bag!" I just grabbed Claire and brought her into bed while Linda continued to sleep. And like a good frat party-goer, Linda has no recollection of this event whatsoever.

4. There's definitely going to be a fight. Fortunately, there's less fighting now that we've all agreed that Claire gets to be first... first up the stairs, first down the stairs, first out the door, etc. We just got tired of Claire kicking our asses, so she gets to win for a little while longer.

3. You're not sure whether anything you're doing is right, you just hope it won't get you arrested. And having discussed the difficulties of raising a toddler with friends who have a toddler(s) of their own, we're comforted by the knowledge that if we get thrown into jail at least we'll know a few other parents with whom we can share a cell block.

2. There are crumpled-up underpants everywhere. Literally... and not just mine.

1. You wake up wondering exactly how and when the person in bed with you got there. And when you feel a couple toddler size 8's digging into your spine until pain eventually shoots down the back of your leg leaving your foot numb, you'll know it's Claire.

So welcome to a glimpse inside our little Animal House. Grab a brew. Don't cost nothin'.