"All options are on the table!"

To steal a way over-used phrase from Dubya and his gang of hawkish bullies, all options are on the table in terms of retaliation on the Kenmore Vacuum Terror Network. And much like Montgomery Burns has said (he bears an eery resemblance to Secretary of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff, don't ya think?), I have a "gut feeling" that something sinister is about to happen that involves the household cleaning equipment in our home. No reason really... except for some actual evidence recently presented to me by one of my top anti-terror specialists. So can we finally stop with the "we need to fight them over there so we don't have to fight them here" nonsense? [by the way, Google "Maureen Dowd" and read her op-ed piece on Dubya trying to be a cowboy... it relates to this "fightin' 'em over there" line of bull]

My friends, I submit there are already vacuums throughout the U.S. poised and ready to attack unsuspecting dogs TODAY as sure as cats have been unleashing biological warfare on the nasal cavities of millions of brave American humans for years. All evidence points to a catastrophic event... perhaps this Spring Cleaning event I heard chatter about six months ago.

Therefore, the Kenmore Vacuum Terror Alert System that was initiated in our household earlier this year has officially been elevated to Watch Your Ass! level. This is the first time in several months the alert has moved upward from the less dangerous level of I smell a rat...

Based on recent reconnaissance missions performed by Army Special Forces Captain Theodore Hertzel (right), disturbing video footage of a Kenmore sleeper cell meeting was captured in our basement. Captain Theo, a Fargo resident, holds extraterritoriality status which exempts him from the jurisdiction of local laws (the same thing commonly granted to foreign diplomats and/or current and former Bush Administration officials who perform acts of treason... now if we could only catch one of them Bushies lying about getting a BJ, then they'd be cooked for sure). Anyway, as an untouchable agent of the Department of Guardianship (DOG), Captain Theo was able to conduct several high-risk, life-threatening missions in our basement between July 4th and 5th, capturing the aforementioned chilling footage. Following are excerpts from Captain Theo's recon logs. For security reasons, I'm unable to reprint the entire log, but I am able to provide some still shots of the video.

4 July 2007

12:14pm - Arrive at the Stewart compound accompanied by my handlers, Matthew and Veronica, as well as Junior Agent "Bad Ass Mother" Tucker. Our assignment is information gathering, but we have direct orders to destroy any insurgency if feasible.

12:15pm - Disembark vehicle to stretch legs and exercise vocal chords.

12:16pm - Due to their compactness, my legs are fully stretched. However, my vocal chords could use some more work, so I chose to run around the large maple tree in the front of the estate barking to ward off any squirrels that dared approach.

12:20pm - Gained access to the compound via the anterior access port and immediately began my patrol of the upstairs zone. Struck by a foul odor emanated from a back room of the residence, I followed the scent to investigate further but it only lead me to Stew. I ascertained the smell of bad cheese emitting from his feet was merely due to poor hygiene, so I continued my rounds.

12:25pm - Rendezvoused with Agents Bogart and Tucker in the front room. I shared some Jeff Lebowski type philosophy with Agent Bogart, telling him "if you will it, Dude, it is no dream." Then, I joined Agent Tucker atop the hind quarters of Agent Bogart as a display of dominance to any Kenmore vacuums lurking nearby.

5 July 2007

3:42am to 3:54am - All inhabitants of the house are soundly asleep and confined within their designated sleeping quarters. Along with Agent Tucker and our handlers, I was safely tucked away in the (perpetually half-finished) guest bedroom in the basement of the Stewart domicile. But I was roused from my slumber by faint sucking sounds (get your mind out of the gutter, folks... the sucking sounds were coming from the adjacent room!). I peered out the doorway into the recreational room, and I saw several silhouettes against the far wall. I grabbed my 8mm video camera with night scope to investigate further. Approaching from the north, I scrambled up the big barker-lounger in the center of the room and perched myself at its apex to get a better view (barker-lounger = the recliner I like to lounge on until Stew enters the room and shows me the way to the floor). Using the night scope, I was able to determine that I was witnessing a meeting of the Blue Emir (Kenmore Progressive Upright) and all his "No. 2's" (from left to right): the Kenmore facing his fighters, the Rigid Wet/Dry Vac (responsible for attacks in the garage and areas where home reconstruction is underway), the Bissell Steam-Cleaner (responsible for attacks by land or sea, mainly in the rec room and stairway), the Dirt Devil Upright (Kenmore's personal physician and closest confidant), and the Shark Handheld (responsible for kamikaze missions throughout the entire Stewart territory). After a brief address from the Blue Emir, all the cleaners raised their hoses in a chilling fashion reminiscent of the "Sig Heil!" of Nazi Germany. After shifting my position to get a better vantage point of the action, my cover was blown when I knocked a baby bib that was draped over the back of the barker-lounger onto the floor [side note: Stew strategically places baby bibs throughout the house so that he can always easily find one whenever it's feeding time for Claire]. After my position was exposed, the cleaners all pointed in my direction and started to "ROAR!" As they initiated a blitz on my location, I called out for Agent Tucker to assist me. My thoughts were that Tucker could easily subdue the Shark Handheld vac while I used my ninja skills to restrain (or kill) the uprights and the wet/dry vac.

[End of log]

Again for security reasons, I'm forbidden from reprinting any additional information. What I can tell you is that the battle was fierce. The Rigid Wet/Dry Vac, the Dirt Devil Upright, the Bissell Steam-Cleaner, and the Shark Handheld were all pinned down in the basement and eventually seized. They are all currently being detained in the Trane Provincial Detention Camp (or, the area of our basement next to our Trane furnace... adjacent to the water heater). A large banner reading "Nothing stops a Trane" can be found on the wall facing the prisoners... it's all part of my psychological warfare on the vacuums. Proving that I'm a compassionate captor, each prisoner is occasionally released from confinement to exercise... but they must be accompanied by Stew.

So, you might be wondering "whatever happened to The Kenmore?" Well, my friends, the absurd premise of "they'll follow us home" almost actually occurred! Like the coward it is, the Kenmore bolted up the stairs trying to escape our house (and find safety within yours) while his troops took to battle with Agents Theo and Tucker. Upon reaching the upstairs sector of our house, though, the Blue Emir was met with a secret weapon. So secret, in fact, that I didn't even know about it...

Having been awaken myself by all the thunderous activity in the basement, I was making my way toward the stairs when I happened upon a terrifying event. Luckily, the action was caught on the living room nanny cam. To my horror, I found The Kenmore in hand-to-hose combat with none other than little baby Claire! Our little secret weapon! Unbenounced to me, Claire has been sleeping in her combat fatigues (aka Carter brand bib overalls) ever since I announced my war on the Kenmore terror network. Anyway, by the time I entered the room (to cower behind a chair), Claire had the Kenmore by its power cord, preparing to hog tie the beast. Knowing there's a security camera in the living room, Claire - the little diva that she is - posed for the camera throughout the duration of her skirmish with The Kenmore. Unfortunately, due to the grotesque nature of the vengeance Claire unleashed on The Kenmore, I can't show you any more video footage. Claire says the photos would undoubtedly dishearten her grandmas if they saw the brutality she carries inside of her.

Anyway, I'm keeping the terror alert at Watch Your Ass! until I deem it's safe around here. Stew has been interrogating The Kenmore on a daily basis by using a technique of hard labor (i.e., vacuuming the house each day). Stew tells The Kenmore, "if you like dog hair so much, then here you go... start suckin'!" Then he pushes The Kenmore across the carpet or rug, then pulls it back... repeating this method in an attempt to get The Kenmore to tell us where other Kenmore sleeper cells are hiding. But, so far The Kenmore isn't talking... but just give us time.

So, because Claire is now the heroine of the house, we've had parade after parade in her honor. So many parades, in fact, that I've been unable to blog. Hopefully, there are still a few stragglers out there who have hung in long enough to read today's entry. In the meantime, speak of the devil... Claire is standing beside me holding Stew's skateboard from junior high in her hands. We use the skateboard as a parade float atop which Claire sits while I pull her around the house. It's not that bad except for the fact that she insists on wearing that damn Hello Kitty tiara that Aunt Dee (Rosemount) gave to Stew at his third 39th birthday festivus. At least I don't have to wear it anymore...

Well, I gotta go... Claire is growing angry and starting to turn a little green... like a baby Hulk. And trust me, you wouldn't like Claire when she's angry. She grows thick hair and eyebrows, then tears off her onesy and starts tossing Stew around the room like a little ragdoll. It's scary.