We're getting a new television!

As some of you know, we have a morning routine around here. First, the alarm goes off at 5:20am, and Stew shuts it off. Then he shakes Momma awake... and she says, "what... huh... okay" and then rolls over and goes back to sleep. At 5:45am, Stew shakes her again and grumbles, "it's 5:45... get up." Finally, sometime between 6:00 and 6:15AM, Momma rolls out of bed and heads into the bathroom. Within a minute of two of the shower turning on, Claire wakes up and starts shouting baby gibberish that translates into something like, "come get me outta this crib so I can help Momma get ready for work!" So Stew falls out of bed, goes to get Claire, sets her on the floor, she runs into the bathroom shouting "Momma!", and Stew crawls back into bed for another 30 minutes until Momma and Claire emerge from the bathroom... Momma looking sharp and professional while Claire has make-up smudges on her cheeks and lipstick on her nose. Then we all head downstairs where Claire starts requesting breakfast by chanting "bar!" over and over and over and over again until she gets her "bar" (an organic pop tart thing Stew buys in bulk at Costco). After Momma heads off for work, Claire, Stew and I head for the front room so we can wave at her as she drives away. Then we're off to the dining room so Claire can finish eating her "bar" and drink some juice. Later, Stew and I check email accounts in the office while Claire sits in her green patio chair with her feet up on a stool and reads a magazine before beginning her day of destroying the house by scattering toys, newspapers, throw pillows, blankets and anything else that's not bolted down. Precisely at 8:59AM, Stew turns on the TV so we can all prepare to watch ellen - the ellen degeneres show. For those of you who actually have jobs and aren't familiar with the show, Ellen gives a monologue then dances every morning... and Claire loves to dance with her. Then Ellen interviews guests... sometimes has some games she plays with the audience... and usually has a musical act. But this morning, Ellen gave a flat screen TV to some woman. Apparently the woman wrote to the show saying her three grown kids recently moved back home, and now they all share a single TV set. The woman was complaining that the family can't agree on what shows to watch and that a new TV would help alleviate some of the tension, and Ellen actually gave the woman a TV. So, after watching the show, Claire decided to fire off her own email to Ellen requesting a new flat screen for our house (plus, dog treats for me, airline tickets to Florida to see Grandma Stewart, Aunt Dee and Uncle Brad... and an at-home job for Stew). And since it seems Claire has a way of getting whatever she wants, I'm fairly confident Ellen will at least be shipping us a new Vizio flat screen within the next few days. Hurray!

The Price Is Right comes on after ellen. So, as soon as Claire hears "Come on down!", she walks over to the TV, changes it from Channel 4 to Channel 5, points at the screen and says "The View". But we typically only watch about 15 minutes of The View before Stew starts shouting insults at Sherri Shepard, calling Barbara Walters "a bore" and asking Elisabeth Hasselbeck, "How can somebody so hot be so [bleeping] stupid?" I believe he actually thinks Elisabeth is going to respond. Then he gets off the sofa in a huff and stomps over to shut off the TV while simultaneously instructing Elisabeth to, "Stop parroting ridiculous Sean Hannity talking points and say something original for once!"

This gets us to about 10:15AM, and I'll let you imagine how the remainder of our day goes. Don't worry, though. I'm doing my best to insure Stew doesn't model Claire after himself and turn her into a bonehead. You have my word on that.