Desperate for a Hint from Heloise

So I'm watching Fox and Friends this morning on the Fox News Channel because I apparently hate myself and have no sense of dignity. Plus, Stew was watching the show, and I'm unable to change the channel with the remote due to a lack of an opposable thumb (good one, God... I really appreciate your qwirky sense of humor). For those fortunate enough to have never seen the show, allow me to tell you a little about its three hosts. Before I do so, let me just say I'm sympathetic to Fox News. You see CBS, ABC, NBC, MSNBC, CNN and PBS are all staffed by snobs who got their masters degrees in Journalism from schools like Columbia University. But Fox prefers to hire common folk (as long as they're Republican). Good people. The guy/gal next door types... who you hide from in your garage when you see them outside watering their lawn or shoveling their walk because you really don't want to talk to them. First there's Steve Doocy, who I think was a weather man or reporter from Kansas before moving to New York City and Fox, and I don't think it's a coincidence his last name rhymes with "douchie". Then there's Brian Kilmeade, who's every bit as stupid, uneducated, and unlikable as he pretends to be. Lastly, we have Minnesota's own Gretchen Carlson. She's the 1989 Miss America, and I'm still waiting for her to provide solid evidence that she graduated from Stanford and studied abroad at Oxford as her bio claims. Seriously, she's an imbecile. FYI - I stole most of this bio info from another blogger who apparently can't stand Fox and Friends either [source]. Anyway, there was a point to this story that I've since forgotten since watching this unwatchable morning show has turned my brain to mush... which I guess makes me an ideal candidate to host my own show on Fox. Heck, I could just lie on a couch and lick myself for three hours, and I still think Fox viewers would tune in. Note to self: call Fox News about my Breakfast with Bogey pitch.

So what I'm REALLY interested in learning from you is a solution for getting spaghetti sauce stains out of Claire's clothes. I've soaked her shirts in Oxy Clean for about three days now but to no avail. And since the shirts are not white, I can't try using bleach. A close confidant has told me I'm basically screwed because the sauce will never come out. Stew makes his own homemade pasta sauce, so I asked him what he puts in it to make it so toxic. He claims it's simply onions, garlic and crushed red pepper sauteed in olive oil followed by some Italian seasoning, salt and a large jar of Grandma Helen's canned tomatoes. He says he has a secret ingredient he cannot divulge, but everyone who lives here knows it's pure maple syrup. Stew puts maple syrup in everything. And I mean everything. No wonder his blood sugar level is through the roof. Anyway, I'm not sure what to do about Claire's shirts. Stew used to tell Claire to "stop spilling food on your shirt", but that didn't seem to work. So now both Claire and Stew are shirtless at the dinner table, but Momma has yet to join in the ritual despite Stew's incessant pleading. So if anyone knows of a secret way to remove sauce stains from clothing, please do tell.

In the meantime, I leave you with a funny pic sent to me by Uncle Kermit. The pic comes from the website LOLcats. Click the link to go to the site to mainly see pictures of stupid cats. There's also a link on the site to LOLdogs (where I found the second photo below). Enjoy!