Total Recall

As I do most mornings after breakfast, today I flipped on Fox News to watch it's dopey little morning show, Cluster Fox and Freaks (aka Fox and Friends). You see, waking up each morning as a self-loathing, middle-aged man with low self esteem and severe back pain doesn't provide me with a sufficient amount of rage to get my blood flowing in the morning, so I need an extra bump from the menagerie of douchebaggery that only Fox News can deliver. And while I sometimes flip over to MSNBC to watch Morning Joe, I find Joe Scarborough's brand of conservatism is just no match for the panel of asshats I find sitting on the Fox News curvy couch each morning. So imagine my shock when I actually learned something useful today when Fox and Friends' and Minnesota's own Gretchen Carlson - she puts the loon in lunatic - reported a story about a recall on certain over-the-counter children's and infant's liquid cold products. I thought to myself, "Oh no, here we go again... another Fox News story about big government attacking capitalism - AND LIBERTY - through the use of pesky government safety regulations." Instead, Ms. Carlson introduced the segment by asking an intriguing question, "Just what should I do when I find recalled children's medicine in my medicine cabinet?" She continued, "That's a question millions of parents are asking themselves today after learning of (this) recall." Really? Seriously? Millions? Yes. It's true. I, for one, have no clue what to do with the recalled Children's Motrin I found upstairs. Do I ignore the dosage on the label and just give all of it to Claire at once so as not to let it go to waste? Or should I treat it like leftover table scraps and feed it to my dog? I mean, I was freaking out over this! I'm just a simple man. Rather, a stay-at-home dad - hardly a man at all. In fact, I only recently stopped giving Claire baths in the sink while doing dishes, so how am I to know what to do about bad medicine? But, thankfully, Fox News was there to give me exact directions for disposal of the recalled medicine. Unfortunately, that's precisely when I decided to flip over to Morning Joe to watch the grown-ups discussing politics (which only provides even more toxic fuel for my Fox-ignited rage). 

Anyway... Linda finished her half marathon on Sunday in a new personal best time of 2:08:08. Now she's talking about entering another half marathon in July. I'm convinced she's lost her mind, but she seems pretty upbeat and happy so I'm not going to rock the boat. Plus, I was so inspired by Linda's dedication and discipline that I decided to jump back into playing competitive basketball after at least a five year absence. I gave up hoops because I got tired of having to crawl around for 48 hours after playing due to an inflamed herniated disc that would send wrenching spasms down my lower back into my groin region that are painful enough to drop a horse (or at least a 200+ pound 40+ year old man).  Regardless, I woke up Saturday morning at 6:30AM and headed for the Chaska Community Center for a few games of pick-up hoops. Unfortunately, I was home about an hour later writhing in pain after injury my back after performing a series of spectacular, two-handed, reverse slam dunks to the amazement of my 20-something year old teammates. Either that or it was from simply jogging up and down the court three or four times while carrying an extra 15 lbs of fat around my gut. I'm not even sure what I did. What I do know is I just started walking upright again this morning. And, please, no homo erectus jokes. It still hurts to laugh. But smiling doesn't cause any pain, so here's a photo of Claire proudly displaying her Momma's half marathon medallion.  
Grandma note: the mark on Claire's arm is from a magic marker... it's not the big, long, infected scratch it appears to be.

POLICE BLOTTER

CHASKA - At approximately 3PM on Saturday, a gang of toddlers was apprehended in the parking lot of the Jonathan Montessori School for Children after a neighbor reported hearing loud, off-key singing of various nursery rhymes. Upon arrival, police discovered several tots wearing face paint and clearly inebriated having ingested ice cream sandwiches and several Dixie Cups full of Kool-Aid. The group's ring leader, a Claire E. Stewart of Chaska, was taken into custody but released soon after her Papa arrived on the scene... crawling on all fours and mumbling something about his [quote] "goddamn back!" No toddlers were charged in the incident after police discovered it was merely an Open House for the preschool.