January 26, 2007

There's something about Mary.

A word to the wise: never show up at our house unannounced because Stew will bust a nut. The doorbell rang this morning, and Stew - right on cue - immediately flies into a rage. The guy is an antisocial freak. I mean, he goes ballistic at the sound of a doorbell. Pavlov would have a field day with him. "Gosh Doggit! Who could that be at this hour?!?!" he screams. Incidentally, it was sometime around 11:30am. I'm fairly certain it could be just about ANYBODY, aside from a vampire. So, Stew stomps his feet as he heads to the front door, and just before opening the door, he puts a menacing scowl on his face so that the poor soul on the other side of the door knows that he/she came at a bad time (bad time = anytime Stew is home). He peers through the window as he's unlocking the door, and he sees that it's a little old lady that's come a callin'. "What the hell do you want?" Stew mutters under his breath, thinking it's the church lady who stopped by last fall to politely point out that he was going to burn in hell unless he and Linda attend her church. But, realizing he can't be a total ass to a little old lady, Stew manages to produce his best fake smile... which makes him look a lot like Beaker from The Muppet Show (including the same hairdo). However, instead of a lab coat, Stew's still wearing his pajamas. Upon opening the door, Stew's greeted with a "Hi, I'm Mary from the corner house." Apparently, this lady is named "Mary" and she lives on the corner. Remember how I mentioned antisocial behavior previously? That would explain why Stew and Linda know about two of our neighbors, and Mary is NOT a neighbor who is known to us. Stew won't even leave the house if our next door neighbor is outside. He dislikes small talk so much that he'll hide in the house until the coast is clear. How he ever became an award-winning salesperson peddling high-quality furniture at a modest price is beyond comprehension. Anyway, back to Mary. She holds up a bag and hands it to Stew while saying, "this is for your little girl... I got this before Christmas, so I hope everything still fits." Ahhhhhh, how sweet. The nice lady stopped over bearing gifts for Claire, and we don't even know who Mary is! What an awesome gesture. And how does Stew respond? Like someone who suffers from social retardation. "Thank you very much... this is so nice of you... thank you." Then he shut the door. He might as well have shoved Mary off the front stoop. Granted, Mary had started to turn her back and head back home before Stew shut the door, but wouldn't any normal person invite Mary inside to meet Claire? But Stew had much more important things to do than to return human kindness (he was assembling a bookcase for Claire's room... which is a blog entry unto itself). Anyway, Stew assures me that he feels awful. And remember how I said we don't know who Mary is? Well, there are four corner houses on the end of the block where she could live. Luckily, Mary signed the card with her last name so Stew could look it up in the Robbinsdale phone book. But, here's the kicker -- and I'm not making this up. Mary's is the ONLY name in the entire flippin' phone book that doesn't have an address listed, and I swear to you that we have never seen Mary before and don't have a clue which house is hers. Perhaps she is a vampire after all??? And for those who are curious about the outfits Mary got for Claire... they're all 6+ months, so they'll fit fine. Granted, they're a bunch of little vampire outfits. But it's the thought that counts, right? Thank goodness Mary's not a cat lady!


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Commentary from a stay-at-home dad on daily happenings and misadventures while helping raise a wonderful little girl. The goal is to employ wit, sarcasm and/or humor to make the blog pseudo-entertaining. Then again, setting goals never really worked for me, but maybe you'll chuckle anyway.

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