March 22, 2007

A call for a surge in troop levels

We're going to need a surge in troop levels, so I've called up Ole and Berkley Erickson from the South Minneapolis Brigade. Berkley, a Bernese Mountain Dog, is a stoic general with sound judgement and solid military experience. Ole, an everyday mutt's mutt, is a skillful master sergeant who wears a brown patch over his right eye to [quote] "remind myself of where I came from," referring to the mean streets of Duluth in northern Minnesota. Berkley is a brilliant strategist, and Ole has the street fighting experience that we're going to need. Here's why... after yesterday's report, I've learned there are more enemy combatants than original intelligence estimates. So, I not only have this new Kenmore vacuum to contend with inside the house, but there's evidence indicating a new postal carrier has infiltrated the neighborhood. So, we're going to need somebody on the street to patrol this guy's whereabouts at all times. He's reportedly from the Boston area, and the Northeastern Center for Anti-Terrorism (CAT) tells me this guy is to be considered very dangerous. I won't get into the particulars, but there's evidence he disguises himself as a common, everyday buffoon when in actuality he's truly a genius postal carrier with an aptitude -- and appetite -- for doggie destruction.

Ever since the Kenmore arrived, I've been conducting around-the-clock surveillance in an effort to determine where it's most vulnerable. Attached are images caught from the living room nanny cam, and you can vaguely make me out in the background. Unfortunately, I've yet to establish any kinks in its armour. This Kenmore appears to be a lean-mean-dog-chewing-up-machine. It's sleek slate blue exterior is intimidating, and it runs real smooth. It even gets louder and more ferocious when encountered with muddy paw prints in the carpet, and it has all sorts of lights that flicker while it performs its combat maneuvers. Yes, on the surface, this Kenmore gives the appearance of being quite the soldier. But every soldier has its breaking point, which means I'll need to go psychological on its ass... get inside its computer chip and find out what makes it tick. Is it self-conscious about the size of its hose? Did it get teased by shop vacs while growing up? Does it get harassed by other household appliances for "sucking"? Does it have a soft spot for kittens? I'll need to do anything I can to breakdown this beast, and nothing's off limits. Wish me luck.

In the meantime... that's right, yet another Daily Show clip:
http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=84110

2 comments:

Anonymous 11:24 AM  

Ole just wants to say he's having a very good day. A nice man from the Minneapolis Public water works just dropped of his dog tag which he found on the street. ...the same dog tag Ole was wearing the night of our accident back in December. The circle is complete! Ole's whole. And ready to defend the Stewart homeland from postmen both near and far.

Susan

Lily the Beagle 7:06 PM  

Bogey,

I am sensing a little old- fashioned sexism in your troops. I realize that Ole and Berkley are both big brawny guys, but there is always room in the ranks for a little female covert operative. I really feel that I proved myself on Saturday by barking at your neighbor dogs for nearly 10 minutes (all the while avoiding Julie, who was chasing me along your fenceline). Eventually, the neighbor people came out to yell at their dogs. Mission accomplished. If the mission was getting Julie to blush and slink off into your kitchen. Either way, I ended up with a milkbone. Anyway... all I am suggesting is that you invite the lady troops over occasionally. If you know what I mean.

Lily

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