March 21, 2007

Threat Level elevated to SLATE BLUE

Today, I'm on full alert! Intelligence reports have indicated a VERY high likelihood that a brand new slate blue Kenmore Progressive Upright Vacuum with Inteli-Clean System is planning to assault our home. Furthermore, it's highly probable that the Kenmore will infiltrate our residence today. Earlier intel revealed the threat of a simple canister vacuum. While I'm unfamiliar with this breed of fundamentalist floor-cleaner, I've heard accounts from fellow guard dogs that a canister vac is more svelte because of its smaller size relative to an upright. However, a canister vac is more like a simple mobile machine gun while I liken an upright to a Bradley Armoured Fighting Vehicle. There's no comparison in that an upright is way more lethal. Despite the fact that an upright is slower and more cumbersome than a canister vac, this particular variety of Kenmore upright is an award-winning dog fighting machine that comes with the following traits, all designed to combat dog hair, which I consider a threat to my existence:

  • Infrared dirt sensors indicate where to focus cleaning effort to remove embedded dirt while, at the same time, tracking the dog's location.
  • A direct-drive beltless agitator for constant cleaning power, plus no belts to replace. This means dogs can neither rest nor hide from the vacuum's constant deadly assault.
  • A headlight provides additional light for night attacks when sleeping dogs lie in their comfy doggie beds.

The Kenmore shares the same mission of all extremist upright vacuums: total annihilation of dogs by running them over and chewing them up with rotating brushes. Luckily, I have battlefield experience fighting the bright red Dirt Devil Reaction Dual Cyclonic with Bonus Tools. Not one to underestimate the might of my opponent, but those supposed "bonus tools" are a joke. Frankly, I haven't seen them used in battle for quite some time. In fact, the entire Dirt Devil machine has been put out to pasture (i.e., placed in the garage while awaiting transport to the donation place where some nice cat-loving family can adopt it).

So, there you have it. I'm battle ready, and if all goes well, I'll be back tomorrow to blog another day. In the meantime, enjoy some more clips...

Last night's The Daily Show bit regarding U.S. attorney firing scandal:

The PC guy (from the "I'm a Mac, and I'm a PC" commercial) tells you how to protect your child from head lice:

And here's an irrelevant douche bag (Glenn Beck) from the Headline News channel, which is owned by CNN. And, as the Fox Noise channel will tell you, all cable news channels that don't have "Fox" in their name are extremely liberally biased. So, somebody better tell Headline News that Glenn Beck is a right winger so they can get him over to Fox News where he belongs. Here he's interviewing Minnesota Congressman, Keith Ellison (a Muslim... who, according to Senator Joe Biden, is also black, articulate, clean, fresh, and quite a snappy dresser). Unfortunately, there are people who have concluded that there's obviously something wrong with the water in Minnesota because the Gopher State elected a Muslim to congress. A Muslim who was born in the U.S., raised Catholic in Detroit, whose brother is a Baptist minister in Detroit, and whose family came to America in 1742 (most likely a plan to embed themselves early into our culture by getting jobs in the textile industry). But, he's a Muslim so we have to label him a terrorist until he proves otherwise...


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About This Blog

Commentary from a stay-at-home dad on daily happenings and misadventures while helping raise a wonderful little girl. The goal is to employ wit, sarcasm and/or humor to make the blog pseudo-entertaining. Then again, setting goals never really worked for me, but maybe you'll chuckle anyway.

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