STAY-AT-HOME-DOG: A Cinderella Story...

Some guy Stew calls "Jimmy" spent the night at our house last night. I'm told his name is Jim Benham, some clown Stew's known since the first grade. Uncle Jimmy, as he's now known to me, is on a consulting assignment in the Twin Cities, and this is my first time meeting him. And, since this was my first encounter with Jimmy, I was quite suspicious of him. I don't recall ever meeting anyone with hair on their face before, so I tried to steer clear of him for most of the night (except when Stew told me I had to pose for this picture). Please disregard our old furniture piled up behind the red snuggler... Stew's procrastinating about moving it to the garage and calling the used furniture donation guys to come pick it up. Momma is not real pleased with Stew's lack of motivation, so I suspect it will get done this weekend (or else).

Anyway, Stew dug up his old first grade class photo. Jimmy's the Teacher's Pet standing next to Mrs. Schmitt... and Stew's on the other end of the row wearing a stylish turtleneck sweater from the Garanimal's Collection. Stew's first girlfriend, Cindy, is sitting in front of him. Stew and Cindy used to hold hands at recess (back when Stew had game). Apparently, Jimmy's responsible for Stew's very first trip to the principal's office. One day in class, Jimmy threw his pencil down near Susie McIntyre's feet and told Stew to peak up little Susie's skirt while picking up the pencil. It was a cleverly designed plan, but Stew's execution was poor. Mrs. Schmitt saw the whole thing unfold before her eyes and sent both Stew and Jimmy to the principal's office to tell Mrs. Logan what they had done. Miraculously, by the time they arrived at Mrs. Logan's office, they both came down with a terrible case of temporary amnesia, so Mrs. Schmitt was summoned back to the office to explain to the principal what had happened... neither Stew nor Jimmy will say what their punishment was. And, this was just the first of several encounters Stew and Jimmy would have with authority figures while growing up on the rough streets of Pierre, SD. Throughout high school, if Stew ever got into trouble with his parents, he'd simply blame Jimmy -- even when Jimmy was not even involved in the incident. This strategy seemed to work well for Stew, and he milked it for all it was worth. But if he got into serious trouble and had to call out the big guns, Stew would blame Dave Bren (better known as that Bren kid around Stew's house).

Anyway, Uncle Jimmy is supposedly the best golfer Stew knows (don't ask how many golfers Stew knows because the answer will harshly diminish the impressiveness of this statement). At their 20 year class reunion last summer, Stew and Uncle Jimmy teamed up with Uncle's Frannie and Flaxxy for the reunion golf tournament. And despite consuming more Bloody Mary's and beers than any other team in the field, Team TwoDogs Puttin' walked (rather stumbled) away with the tournament championship, and Uncle Flaxxy even won the "Longest Putt" crown. The team used their winnings to hire a classmate to drive them back to town for a post-tournament party at the American Legion Cabin bar. Aside from Uncle Flaxxy's long par-saving putt, nobody else really contributed to the win, and Uncle Jimmy carried the team on his shoulders. In fact, I'm told his teammates were more of a hinderance than a help to Uncle Jimmy, and they won the tournament in spite of themselves.

Well, Claire is a callin' so I gots to go. I recently purchased a tape recorder, so I'll leave you with a couple brief conversations I caught between Stew and Uncle Jimmy. Enjoy and have a pleasant tomorrow...