Ambushed!

Last night, I was ambushed in the basement and held captive by the Swifter hand-held cleaning equipment insurgency! The entire ordeal was caught on the basement nanny-cam. Not only was I blindfolded and forced to breathe dust particles from a feather duster, but I was also interrogated by The Shark -- a hand-held mini-vacuum capable of jumping on my back and sucking the life out of me at any moment. The Shark is known to hang out on the metal shelving in the basement while it's plugged into an electrical outlet recharging its battery. The Shark is particularly menacing due to the fact it is battery operated; therefore, it's difficult for me to outrun as it's not bound to a 30 foot distance like the Kenmore upright vacuum. Additionally, The Shark is part of the Royal Family of cleaning equipment (better known for its Dirt Devil family members). Stew seems brainwashed by the Royal Family in that he also has a portable Dirt Devil vacuum in the garage for cleaning vehicles. Like their Saudi counterparts, the Royal Family of cleaning products purports to be the friend of honest, hard-working Americans while secretly supporting those who want to destroy the greatest Americans - also known as Man's Best Friend - the family dog. These cat-loving anti-Americans hate us because of our freedom to roam the house and jump on furniture when nobody is home, and there is no curbing their hatred for us or our fur. But I will try my best. If I don't stop them in my own home, then I can assure you that these vacuums, dusters, brooms and mops will follow me to YOURS! If you don't support my plan, then you don't support freedom, liberty and the pursuit of happiness (i.e., chewing on the rug in the front room of my house).

Speaking of freedom, after about five hours of interrogations, I was extracted from the Swifter camp by Momma. She saved me! As it turns out, Stew was snoring up a storm at 2:00AM. Momma's typical method of stopping Stew's snoring - sharp elbow and knee jabs to his spinal cord - proved unsuccessful. Therefore, she decided to take her pillow and go sleep on the couch. That's when she found me. With one huge sweep of her hand, so grabbed the dusters, broom and The Shark and threw them into the abyss (the area in the basement next to the furnace). For the rest of the night, I slept at the foot of the couch with one eye on my Momma and the other scanning the perimeter for another sneak attack.

It's obvious the insurgency's Operation Spring Cleaning has started. Therefore, today I'm calling up more specialists from the Fargo office of the Department of Guardianship (DOG). First, Retired Captain Theodore Hertzel (U.S. Army Special Forces) brings an enormous amount of field expertise in hand-to-paw combat, particularly against smaller devices like dusters. Captain Theo, as he's known to the pups once under his command, is a ferocious fighter whose bark is certainly not worse than his exceptionally strong bite. Also making the trip from Fargo is a special operative (some might call him a mercenary), Friar Tucker. He is known to be one bad-ass motherTUCKER to those who have fought alongside him. Although still a youngster, Tucker has seen his fair share of conflict - primarily attacks from squirrels in his Fargo backyard combat zone. Together, Captain Theo and Friar Tucker create a wrecking force unseen in these parts. I'm including a picture of a recent training exercise where Theo and Tucker are teaching me an interrogation technique called Hump-a-rump. After just 30 seconds of this grilling tactic, I was ready to give up my mother just to get them to stop. So, a little Swifter duster doesn't stand a chance against this dynamic duo!

One reason we need to capture and interrogate the insurgent hand-held cleaning equipment is so we can locate the whereabouts of their leader - the Kenmore Progressive Upright Vacuum with Inteli-Clean System. Our approach is that it will be much easier to seize and detain the smaller equipment than it would be to track and bushwhack the mighty Kenmore itself. However, once we know where the Kenmore hides and plans its attacks, we'll be able to design a strategy to overwhelm and, eventually, destroy it. Metaphorically speaking, cutting off the head of the dragon will kill the entire force (unless, of course, the Kenmore has regeneration abilities that we don't know about). To aid us in our efforts of locating the whereabouts of the Kenmore Progressive, we've strategically placed WANTED posters throughout the house. Eventually, a small household appliance or a frightened chew toy will provide us with the information we seek. Or, you can help out. If you happen to visit our house in the near future and see The Blue Emir lurking in the basement or other part of the house, I'd appreciate if you'd slide me a note. Besides, it's your patriotic duty. I'm doing this for you, too!