April 06, 2007

Hippity Hoppity, carnage is on its way...

I was planning to wish everyone a Happy Easter today, but that will have to wait until Sunday. There's been more chatter on the Kenmore vacuum terror network, and I'm getting real nervous about this Operation Spring Cleaning. Recruitment efforts on the part of the household cleaning equipment (aka "insurgency") has escalated, and reports are that the Kenmore and Swifter tribes are now in cahoots with my other nemesis - the rodent. And I'm not just talking squirrels, my friends. No, I'm talking squirrels, bunnies, mice, gerbils... you name it. If it's disease-infested and hairy, then it's involved [insert your own distasteful genitalia joke here... such as the Bobby Krier classic: What's worse than a dead cat on your piano? A diseased beaver on your organ!].

Anyway, based on the latest chatter, I've intensified my patrols of the house. Additionally, instead of my usual routine of making a trip through the house every few hours, I've made random rounds to throw off the insurgency. And it's paid off! As you can see in the photo, Stew is holding a rodent I captured in the laundry room downstairs. By the time you read this posting, this piece of garbage will be in a cheese-induced coma due to the latest interrogation techniques being taught at the FBI Academy in Quantico, Virginia (Virginia is for lovers... Maryland is for crabs... and, some would say, Minnesota is for loons). Anyway, the technique, known as "cheese turding", is used to obtain information, coerce confessions, and for punishment and intimidation. Cheese turding consists of immobilizing the rodent and shoving cheese down his throat to simulate choking, which produces a severe gag reflex, making the subject believe his death is imminent while ideally not causing permanent physical damage. The subject typically slides into a cheese-induced coma and, eventually, severe cramping occurs before an eventual HUGE cheese dump a few days later. The subject will be so relieved (literally) that he'll say or do anything to keep you from performing a second round of the torture (or whatever we're calling it these days).

As stated in a previous post, I've called up my freedom-fighting cousins, The Erickson Brothers (Ole and Berkley), to help plan my own operation against the insurgency that we're calling "Shock and Paw." Following the brilliancy of the Bush Administration's Iraq Occupation Plan, I've decided to outsource part of our operation. Some call it "war profiteering", but I call it "necessary". And I'm the decider when it comes to Shock and Paw. As a retired general from the Special Forces Unit of the DOG (Department of Guardianship), Berkley Erickson still has connections to freelance commandos who can assist us. So next week, we're bringing in a double agent with whom Berkley has familiarity (see artist's rendering at left). For security reasons, I'm unable to expose the true identity of our spy. But I can assure you, he's ruthless and very efficient at his job. This guy's infiltrated more homes than any girlscout selling cookies ever has. And we all know how much everyone loves girlscout cookies, so you can be darned sure that this guy is a pro. Furthermore, by early next week, we should have confirmation of the availability of more Specialists from our regional DOG office in Fargo. These Specialists have advanced training on combating the hand-held cleaning tools, such as the members of the Swifter tribe mentioned in previous posts.

I'm expecting a quiet weekend but, then again, my enemy might be planning on such. Therefore, I remain on high alert. In the meantime, I leave you with the best Easter greeting I've ever received (it arrived via email from Uncle StewCat and cousin Dakota earlier this week).

HAPPY EASTER, EVERYONE!

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Commentary from a stay-at-home dad on daily happenings and misadventures while helping raise a wonderful little girl. The goal is to employ wit, sarcasm and/or humor to make the blog pseudo-entertaining. Then again, setting goals never really worked for me, but maybe you'll chuckle anyway.

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