April 17, 2007

Secret weapon discovered!

While I am completely confident my natural instincts - along with the combat techniques I've recently learned - will guarantee victory over the evil-doers currently attempting to permeate the confines of my house, I'm not yet ready to don a flight jacket and announce "mission accomplished" just yet. That would be extremely irresponsible on my part. Besides, major military operations against the Kenmore vacuum and the hand-held cleaning equipment combatants has yet to truly begin. But when that happens, the insurgency won't know what hit 'em. Allow me to explain...

Recently, I learned of the myotonic goat, also known as the stiff leg or the Tennessee fainting goat (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fainting_goat). When startled or excited, the goat's legs stiffen causing the goat to momentarily collapse (for about 10 seconds).


Historically, these goats were used by sheep herders wanting to protect their expensive sheep from wolves, coyotes and other awesome predators from the dog family. The herders would mix stiff leg goats in with the flock of sheep. When a predator attacked, the sheep would run to the barn while the goats would be on the ground waiting to be devoured. My attack plan against the Blue Emir (Kenmore vacuum) will be to have these goats strategically located throughout the house. Once the Kenmore starts devouring the goats, I'll pounce on the vacuum and restrain it with my powerful jaws. Then, once in captivity, I can begin the interrogation process to learn the origins of this mighty soldier and if there are more Kenmores planning to attack my home or yours. I've said it before, and I'll keep saying it because people seem to buy this ridiculous line of crap: if I don't fight them here in my home, then this insurgency will follow me to yours!

I learned about the myotonic goat from my cousin, Monty. Monty is named after British Field Marshal Bernard "Monty" Montgomery, who lead the Allied ground forces in the Normandy invasion during WWII. Monty brings a lot of military expertise to the table, and I'm grateful for his knowledge. Monty currently resides in St. Louis Park (MN) with my Aunt Heather and Uncle Ivy. That's right, I have an uncle named "Ivy." He's a tremendously popular female impersonator, not to mention quite successful. He also does a mean Bill Cosby imitation after 10 or so beers. Anyway, back to the goats... I'm currently scouring Amazon.com and eBay trying to find a herd of these badboys. So far, no such luck. But fear not, for I have a back-up plan! Thankfully, Claire has about 400-500 stuffed animals in her possession that I'm thinking can accomplish the same thing as the myotonic goats. I'll just have to lob the stuffed critters in front of the Kenmore, but I'll have to be precise. The margin of error on this plan is nil (that's "zero" or "none" for you less versed in military speak).

Speaking of stuffed animals, here are a few more pictures of Claire posing with more of her buddies on her 6-month birthday...

















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About This Blog

Commentary from a stay-at-home dad on daily happenings and misadventures while helping raise a wonderful little girl. The goal is to employ wit, sarcasm and/or humor to make the blog pseudo-entertaining. Then again, setting goals never really worked for me, but maybe you'll chuckle anyway.

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