Insomniac

Claire has become an insomniac, so it's been difficult for me to blog during the day. She used to take much longer naps, allowing me to whip out a blog entry. Now, she doesn't nap as long - or as often - and I have chores to do while she's asleep. Therefore, you'll likely be seeing fewer blog entries. But fear not, for I have some amazing news to report on the Kenmore Terror Network, not to mention even more outdoor advisaries to tell you about... and I'm talking more than just ducks this time, too!

When Claire isn't playing with Stew or taking a quick little nap, she's been putting together a new workout video she's calling Body by Claire. In the video, she plans to show how she has developed rock-solid abs while maintaining a soft-as-a-baby's-bottom buttocks. I'm attaching several video stills of Claire performing exercises you can expect to see in the video, which will be available for purchase just in time for Christmas... make checks or money orders payable to "Bogart Stewart" in the amount of $25.95 ($19.95 + $6.00 postage/handling). Claire says the key to her success is a steady diet of baby formula. She says, "It's okay to indulge in solid foods every now and again, but don't eat as much of it as your parents want you to... throw a fit if you need to, but avoid eating a complete meal at all cost! I've found that projectile vomiting works wonders in getting them to stop force-feeding me the slop they call 'baby cereal'."

When Claire isn't shooting her workout video, she also likes to chew on her books. She also has a stuffed dog that sings songs like, "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes". Unfortunately, she has yet to show Stew where her nose is located, yet he continues asking. And when I walk over to him and show him my nose by sticking it in front of his face, all he ever says to me is, "Ohhhh, my god, Bogart... your breath smells like ass!" I don't think that's a compliment, but I'm going to continue sticking my nose in his face regardless. I'm not sure what he expects my breath to smell like, and I assume Stew's never tasted the "dog chow" he serves up to me in a dirty bowl everyday. They say "you are what you eat", and if you eat crap day in and day out, then I summize your breath is not going to smell like roses. And let's be honest here - there are times I need to "pamper" myself that involves sticking my tongue in places you don't want to know about. Let's just leave it at that, shall we?

In other news, Aunt Dee (Florida) sent me this: “When you have done something good, you will receive one Schrute buck. One thousand Schrute bucks equals an extra five minutes for lunch.”
- Dwight Schrute