The Stewpranos - Part 2: Lost In Translation

Yesterday was Stew's birthday, so I thought I'd get him something extra special. Unfortunately, my act of kindness was not as well received as I would have hoped. Allow me to explain. WARNING: Scenes of death and injury may appear that may not be appropriate for some audiences.

My story takes place on a warm Monday morning... let's call it "yesterday." Dew is still shimmering off the greenish-yellow, urine-burned lawn in our backyard as I stroll around looking for a new spot to leave my grass-killing pee. As I'm squatting on the lawn relieving myself, I'm thinking "what can I get Stew for his birthday this year?" I want to get him something that nobody else would think of giving him. Something that says "thank you for making me part of your family," while at the same time showing Stew that I'm ready to be made a Captain (a "Capo" if you will) in his Scots-Irish American clan... something that shows my allegiance to the family, as well as my dedication to protecting it at all cost. Just then, the ideal gift presents itself in the form of a black squirrel attempting to run from the big Silver Maple tree in the corner of the yard to the slightly smaller Basswood tree near our patio. I was amused by his bravado, yet insulted at the same time. I saw the perfect opportunity to show Stew my commitment to "the family", and I acted accordingly. Here's where you might want to look away... I present you with the least gruesome photo of the results of my carnage. Not only did I give Stew a great honor by taking out one of our backyard enemies, but I also sent a message to any other squirrel, crow or other pest that might venture into my domain. Nothing says "beware of dog" like the headless corpse of a foolish squirrel! I'm sparing you a close-up shot of the squirrel, but I think you can still see the flies on its body (gross!). However, much to my dismay, Stew did not seem thrilled with my gift. I knew I might have screwed up when Stew asked "Oh no, Bogey... what have you done?" Apparently, the sentiment I wished to extend to my boss was lost in translation. I thought Stew would have been pleased. He even gave me one of the dog treats that I love so much, but it wasn't to reward me (the treats are also supposed to cure dog breath... I often find Stew crumbling a biscuit over some cereal he is preparing for Momma in the morning... yes, her morning breath could peel paint from the wall). After he gave me the doggie biscuit, he kept demanding "where's the head, Bogey... where is it?!?!"

I can assure you that Stew never found the head and, if there's anything I have to say about it, he never will. I feel like Christopher from The Sopranos television show - unappreciated by the family and its boss. At least the squirrel tail will go to good use... to the place where all squirrel tails eventually end up. On the head and/or face of the evil John Bolton, a Right Wing "tool" of the Bush Administration whose sole mission was/is to destroy the United Nations (thereby allowing the G8 member countries -- and all rich white men -- to rule the world). But I digress...

There's not much more I have to say about Stew's birthday. I can tell you that he enjoyed it to the fullest. We had leftover grilled hotdogs in the refrigerator (Linda's cousin, Jane, and her family came to visit Sunday night... so, the humans dined on grilled burgers and hotdogs). Anyway, on Monday morning, I watched Stew pile a hotdog and a piece of bacon onto a bun before dousing it with ketchup, mustard, diced tomatoes and chopped onions. He did this twice before feeding Claire at 7:30AM. He repeated this ritual again at lunch time.

In other news, I recently learned how to upload videos to my blog. So, here's my first attempt. If it works, it's a video clip of Claire crawling across the room to grab her talking dog toy. Just between you and me, I think the toy is possessed. Claire took her first (crawling) steps on Father's Day when she moved about 24 inches forward. Prior to that time, she only crawled backwards. Now, she can crawl wherever she wants... and I typically find her next to my head tugging on my ears. In the video, you can hear Stew speaking to Claire in a ridiculous voice. I make a cameo appearance in the right side of the frame. I'm the dog sprawled out on the rug. Enjoy!


Finally, here's a little comedy about a huge Dick... The Daily Show dissects VP Cheney's latest absurd action:
http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/player.jhtml?ml_video=89061