June 21, 2007

The Karl Invitational Croquet & Lawn Golf Tournament

We are all VERY excited about this weekend because it will be our second time attending the Karl Invitational Croquet & Lawn Golf Tournament. Hosted by Sir John Karl and Dame Diana Karl (they were knighted several years ago after a bumper crop of horseradish saved the day... I'm sure you probably recognize the story, it was in all the local papers at the time), the event takes place in luxurious Waubun, MN. And if you're like me (cute, huggable and wet around the nose), then you're also wondering "where the heck is Waubun?" Luckily, Peter Karl (son of John & Diana) sent a map that I'm attaching for your convenience. And I thought I'd also throw up a picture of Pete - no pun intended - who is much taller than he appears in this photo. Anyway, the festivus takes place in the backyard of John and Diana's home. We all pitch a tent (he-he-he) and camp out in the yard, which is about the size of a dog park... which would explain why, at last year's event, I made an ass of myself by constantly running through the Karl's vegetable garden. I thought I was in a dog park and that the garden was simply part of an obstacle course meant to test my agility. Stew kept yelling profanities at me but, since I was just a puppy at the time, I thought he was shouting words of love and encouragement. Now that I know Stew better, I realize he's not capable of affection. And speaking of last year, we were joined by B-list celebrity, Patrick Swayze. Everyone was real excited, but I didn't understand why he was constantly running around shirtless and repeating the phrase, "nobody puts Baby in the corner!"

Stew is especially excited this year because he is the DEFENDING CHAMPION of the Lawn Golf Tournament. Stew has only held the title of "Defending Champion" one other time in his life - in 8th Grade during lunch break when he was Paper Football Champion at his table one day. Here's a picture I Googled of some "band nerds" playing Paper Football. Getting back to the Lawn Golf... if you're like me (fond of nibbling your backside and licking your front), then you're wondering "what the heck is 'lawn golf'?" Well, through extensive research I've learned the game has SEVERAL different titles: Lawn Golf, Rodeo Golf, Ladder Golf, Polish Golf, Redneck Golf, Monkey Ball, and - my personal favorite - Hillbilly Horseshoes. You can learn more names of the game, plus find instructions for building your own equipment, at this website: http://www.tourbeaufort.com/laddergolf.htm
It's a fun game if you are either drunk or "just a little slow". There are two goals (ladders) placed about 10 yards apart. Each player throws their set of golf-balls-attached-by-a-string at the goal. Points are scored if the balls wrap themselves around a rung (the lower the rung the more points scored). I'm attaching a picture of two people playing the game. I Googled the picture, so I don't know these folks. They are clearly not professionals because at the Karl Invitational Lawn Golf Tournament, most players sport a uniform (i.e., a stupid-looking hat or bib overalls or a crash helmet or whatever...). I got in trouble last year (of course) for attempting to chase the balls-on-a-string things. It was either me or possibly my cousin, Ole. Either way, a dog got reprimanded for following his natural instincts of wanting to chase, catch and devour balls-on-a-string. Oh, and I don't know this blond gal to the left either. But, her picture came up on my Google image search for "rodeo golf", and I thought she'd look good on my blog. She's part of the Auburn Golf Team... I'm not sure why her picture came up in my "rodeo golf" search, but I'm sure there's a distasteful joke involving the word "bareback" that I'm missing.

Last night, Stew demanded that Momma take pictures of him wearing his prize from last year - The Golden Balls Award. Taken directly from the Karl Invitational Lawn Golf Tournament Rules of the Game manual: The prize for winning the Lawn Golf Tournament is two gold-plated testes (balls) connected by a golden vas deferens (rope) presented in a scrotum (a plastic Hornbacher's Grocery Store bag) which is then tied around the Lawn Golf Champion's waist by a length of cat gut (more rope). I'm sure you'll admit that the prize is impressive... almost equally as impressive as the G.I. Joe shirt Stew lives in. The only days I don't see him wearing his G.I. Joe shirt are when he's wearing his Atari t-shirt (or his pork-n-bean juice stained V-neck t-shirt). Stew is lost in the '80's, and he also prefers wearing a visor to a baseball cap because, as he says, his "head gets hot real fast." Luckily, Stew gets to keep his award (as opposed to the "rotating trophies" this group of campers uses for other events, such as the Mini-Shuffleboard award). I can guarantee you that Stew will begin trash-talking immediately, which will totally jinx any chance he has at a repeat championship. I also know he has his sights on the Mini-Shuffleboard trophy (watch out Aunt Veronica... or Uncle Pete... I can't remember which one of you won the last tournament we held at 3:30AM in our garage one hot summer night last year).

Well, I have to help Stew start packing (after we clean the house first). So, I'll smell y'all later. Stay tuned for results of the big tournament(s) in Waubun...

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Commentary from a stay-at-home dad on daily happenings and misadventures while helping raise a wonderful little girl. The goal is to employ wit, sarcasm and/or humor to make the blog pseudo-entertaining. Then again, setting goals never really worked for me, but maybe you'll chuckle anyway.

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