The Stewpranos

Claire has taken her first step... that is, her first step toward reconciliation with me. Ever since Aunt Karen exposed Claire's ability to talk to the crows, the birds have mysteriously disappeared. Claire was rumored to have been instructing the crows to attack me, but she denies she wanted to see me harmed. Apparently, Claire caught an old episode of The Sopranos (re-runs are currently running on the A&E Network) and hatched the plan involving crows. Claire came clean this weekend and told me that she didn't inform the crows to "whack me". Rather, she was only using the crows to "send a message" that she can get to me whenever she wants. She feels (what little) attention I get from Momma and Stew is a threat to her title as Family Boss. I assured her that she has nothing to fear from me and, instead, she should monitor Momma's belly. If it starts to grow outward, then that's a sign that Claire's reign over the family is in danger. So far, however, there are no such signs... sorry, Grandmas, but I'm told it will be a while so you should just relax.

Anyway, Claire figures that if Paris Hilton can do time for breaking the law, then she (Claire) should be punished for Conspiracy to Threaten (yes, it's a real crime: http://www.allheadlinenews.com/articles/7007525745). So this morning, Claire turned herself into the Stewville Mobile Dentention Center (known as "The Play Yard" around these parts). But unlike Paris Hilton, who gets special treatment by having her own jail cell (now in the psych ward), Claire was placed into a cell block with two other inmates -- a singing dog and a really strange looking elephant that makes LOTS of interesting noises when you squeaze and/or shake it. Claire was able to bring two books with her, so she chose Soft Sounds on the Farm and Dr. Seuss's ABC: An Amazing Alphabet Book. Upon her arrival at the detention center, a spokesdog for Claire (me) released the following written statement:

"I want to thank the Stewville Law Enforcement Department and staff of the Stewville Mobile Detention Center for treating me fairly and professionally. I am going to serve the entire one hour of my sentence. I have learned a great deal from this ordeal and hope that others have learned from my mistakes. Additionally, I'm shocked by the amount of media coverage -- particularly from the stay-at-home-dog blog -- and I wish people would focus on more important things, like tainted dog food."

Additionally, Claire has no plans to appeal her sentence. And, showing she still has a sense of humor about the whole ordeal, Claire posed in her cell block and gave her best Paris Hilton impersonation. Momma, Stew and I are hopeful that Claire never decides to choose Paris Hilton (or any other scum-of-the-earth socialite) as a role model. The point to having Stew stay at home with Claire is so she has a strong relationship with her father. While mothers usually serve as role models for their daughters (i.e., teach the daughter how to be an individual), fathers are the ones who teach their daughters how to regard themselves, what kinds of relationships are healthy, what to look for in a partner, and what to expect of men in co-parenting relationships (source: http://www.dr-jane.com/chapters/Jane125.htm). So, based on studies I've read, Paris Hilton hates her father (or, more likely, he hates her).

Well, Claire is about to be released from The Play Yard, so I need to get ready to help escort her to the backyard for more landscaping fun.