Fore!

Last Friday, Stew headed north to Clearwater, MN, for the Central Minnesota Habitat for Humanity Celebrity Golf Tournament, which is an annual tourney sponsored by the greatest financial advisors in the world -- Andy Jacobs and his family (Jacobs Financial). And, just like last year, Stew was the only celebrity in attendance, so he's bummed that he still had to pay the entry fee again this year. As the picture shows, I was all ready to head north... had my golf visor on and everything... but Stew told me "no dogs allowed." So, I stayed behind with Claire and Aunt Susan, who sat with us for the day until Momma got home from work. Joining Stew on his trek north were Uncle Kermit and friends, Eric H. and Katie M. (I'm witholding their last names to protect their "innocence"). The mighty foursome competed with 34 other teams in a "Golf Scramble" tournament.

In a Scramble, each player tees off on each hole (then takes a drink of beer -- or vodka lemonade in Katie's instance). The best of the tee shots is selected by determining which ball is not "wet" from flying into the water hazard, and all players play their second shots from that spot (but not before each player raises his/her drink and recites a toast in honor of the shooter of the best tee shot). If any of the second shots are playable (i.e., not deep in the woods never to be found), then all the players shoot their third shots from that spot. This vicious cycle continues until the ball is finally holed or the team behind you starts yelling "get off the course, you losers!" In either case, at least one beer/drink is required to be consumed per player before the hole is considered "finished."

In Friday's tournament, prizes were not only awarded to the 1st Place team, but random places (6th, 15th and 32nd) also received awards. Unfortunately, our fearless foursome finished 35th (yes... that's dead last). With a score of 84, our hometown heros were a mere 14 shots over par on this course. By contrast, the 1st Place team finished with a score of 58... or 12 shots under par, which means they required 26 less shots than our team to finish the course. On the bright side, with Stew as captain, the team easily consumed more beer than any other foursome on the planet. And I'm guessing no other team was even close. In addition to drinking beer and hitting golf balls into the woods, the foursome enjoyed a day of discussing military jargon for units of measure (such as in the phrase, "Hey, Kermit... you only missed the green by a ______ ______.") Decency standards forbid me from divulging the military lingo that fits this example. And speaking of decency, I'm told the three guys made it all the way to the 13th Tee before someone (probably Kermit... just guessing) directed an inappropriate comment toward the lady on the team. I think the guys all want an award or something for showing such restraint... proving chivalry is clearly not dead.

After the tournament awards ceremony, which included a free steak dinner with red potatoes and salad, the foursome headed to the only motel in Clearwater - some place with either "Budget" or "Inn" in the title (but it's NOT a Budget Inn). Anyway, you know the place. It's the motel directly across Highway 24 from Keith's Kettle Family Restaurant (click this link!) (http://www.current.tv/watch/25123016). Just look for Keith's picture out front! Apparently, Uncle Kermit did some preliminary investigation and discovered the tavern connected to the motel (Flinstone's Lounge) has a Big Buck Hunter video game, not to mention darts and a killer jukebox. The gang arrived sometime between 9:00PM and 10:00PM and didn't stop playing Big Buck Hunter and throwing darts until shortly after the young bartender politely asked them to depart at 2:00AM (and again at 2:05AM... and one more time at 2:07AM). Eventually, the kid had to throw the bums out at 2:08AM. The bar tab for the night only amounted to $78, whereas I'm told one could easily spend $78 on a single round of drinks in Minneapolis. Based on this fact alone, Kermit and Stew are looking for a house together in Clearwater... no word yet on if Susan and Linda will be joining the boys on their relocation.

Well, I've got to get going... but in case anyone ever wondered why golfers yell "fore!" after hitting an errant shot, here's a link to some possible answers:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fore_%28golf%29