August 09, 2007

Word FROM the wise

Prior to (and since) Claire's arrival, Stew has solicited counsel from various parties regarding child rearing tips so he can be the greatest stay-at-home-dad ever. So today, I decided to acknowledge some of the more useful suggestions he's received.

First off, a big bark out to Candyce (or Janice... or Carol... or Betty?). I can't actually remember her name, but she's the office manager at Stew's old company where he sold high-quality commercial furniture at a modest price. She probably sold more furniture into Stew's territory over the phone than Stew ever did calling on his customers in person. But, Stew always told me her greatest quality was dealing with "difficult" customers from far away places like, oh, let's just say Rapid City, SD, as an example. The attached photo was taken by Stew just outside Rapid City on his last trip to Western South Dakota... shortly before he quit his job. In fact, the day he quit his job, Stew told me, "Bogart, there are two kinds of people in this world - normal folk like you and me, and crazy-ass bitches... and apparently the latter all work in the furniture industry."

Anyway, Candyce has two kids, so Stew considers her to be a professional. She told Stew to procure several pairs of denim bibs because they won't wear out when Claire starts crawling all over the house. Well, as you can likely tell from blog photos, Stew took the advice to heart and thinks it was the BESTEST advice he's received to date. Claire crawls around the house like a (little) mad woman. And since most of our upstairs flooring is hardwood or tile, Stew uses a Swifter sweeper every morning to pick up my dog hair before Claire is let loose (apparently, I shed worse than most dogs). If Stew neglects to sweep (or vacuum the area rugs), Claire's bibs get covered in my fur. Recently, Stew came up with an idea to strap Swifter sweeper pads to Claire's knees, plus a couple Swifter duster pads to her hands, then let her run amok all over the place. Stew's so lazy, he'll try anything. Well, here's a picture of Stew experimenting on Claire while she napped this afternoon. My guess is that once Momma reads the blog tonite, she'll put an end to this idea straight away.

A couple months ago, Momma and Stew noticed Claire having "difficulty" passing her meals (that's the most delicate way I could think of for saying Claire "had trouble pooping 'cause her turds were too hard"). Now, I won't pretend to know what this is like since I've never had any problems leaving a pile in the backyard. In fact, I consider myself to be a champion pooper. It's the cleaning up afterwards that's a hassle [check out my friend, Woofer in the photo]. Anyway, watching Claire stand while grasping the side of a chair to brace herself, her face beet-red while she grunts and screams amazingly loud for such a little girl, is enough for me to know I don't EVER want to have this problem. But, ever since Stew changed my dog food a couple weeks ago, I don't think we need to worry. I don't know how much money he saved on this cheap kibble, but it's doing a number on my innards. I've been able to blame my farting on Stew whenever Momma's been in the room when I let one loose. But, unfortunately, the other day I happened to be lying on the hardwood floor in our bedroom when one of my (normally silent) farts escaped with a little "squeak". Momma knew instantly that it was me since Stew was already in bed under the covers. If only I had been lying on my fluffy doggie bed so it would've muffled the sound I'd still be blaming Stew for my farts to this day... oh well, live and learn.

Anyway, back to Claire's problem... several nice folk (including Claire's doctor) suggested a little prune or pear juice each day would help Claire. Well, this worked like a charm. Maybe even too well, judging by the screams I often hear from Stew when he's in the nursery changing Claire. At least I don't find Claire gripping the side of a chair or the sofa as often any more, and I think she's much happier.

Well, Claire is waking up from her nap, so I'd best start preparing to be chased around the house again. But before I go, one more quick story about Stew's mission to find white sandals for Claire yesterday. He and Claire stopped at two Target stores, two Baby Gap stores, two Gymboree stores, four Victoria's Secret stores, one Pottery Barn Kids store, two The Children's Place stores, one Macy's department store, one JC Penney department store, two sportsbars, and one Little Feet store. But he couldn't find any plain white sandals at this time of year. So, he called Candyce... or whatever her name is... who suggested Payless, where Stew FINALLY found some little, plain, white sandals for Claire. Why pay more when you can... pretty much pay the same price for baby sandals as every other place. Anyway, I don't have a picture of the sandals so I'm posting a picture of one of the stripper shoes Stew picked up at one of his stops at Victoria's Secret. I'm not sure what his plans are for the shoes, and I'm not asking. I can tell you one thing, though... if I ever come around the corner to find Stew standing there with a big grin on his face saying "come here, Bogey" while holding stripper shoes in one hand and his digital camera in the other, I'm outta here!


Anonymous 10:48 AM  

Nice...I wish I could take credit for the swiffer on the knee look! Next up...feather duster duck taped to Boogie's tail for the extra clean look on the end tables!

Bogart 6:26 PM  

There will be no duct-taping of any cleaning devices to my tail or any of my other appendages. I consider the suggestion a treasonous act that will be dealt with swiftly AND with extreme prejudice, Janice... if that IS your real name! Consider yourself warned.


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About This Blog

Commentary from a stay-at-home dad on daily happenings and misadventures while helping raise a wonderful little girl. The goal is to employ wit, sarcasm and/or humor to make the blog pseudo-entertaining. Then again, setting goals never really worked for me, but maybe you'll chuckle anyway.

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