January 14, 2008

I call this meeting to order... Part 2

I fear the content of my previous post could possibly have been misinterpreted, so I feel it's imperative that I clear up a few points. First, one could construe from the last posting that Stew is a weak, little willy-nilly. Unfortunately, this would be a correct understanding of the post's intent. However, one might also think the post depicts Momma as a mean-spirited authoritarian who only accepts that things go her way or it's the highway! But this is NOT the case. Perhaps including the picture of Darth Vader was an exercise in poor judgement on my part (not my own Photoshop work... just a graphic I Googled)? To my knowledge, no riding crop was used on Stew to engage him in conversation. No, a simple look of disappointment on Momma's face is incentive enough (even though you'd think Stew'd be used to that look by now). Anyway, Momma is very loving and caring, but she's also an extremely skillful, capable and accomplished professional. One could even call her a crackerjack. And I submit she belongs on the cover of a magazine... even if it's a Houston-area periodical. Does this magazine cover remind anyone else of Designing Women? I hate that show (I find re-runs on the Lifetime Channel from time to time).

So, part of our Family Gameplan has already been put into motion. And, sorry, Grandmas... but it's not the part about increasing the number of Stewart children. Besides, that's a private matter, and I promised Momma I would not write anything about the goings-on inside the master bedroom (it would bore y'all to tears anyway). Also, in response to my pal, Scott (a.k.a. SexyTryingToLoseWeightDad101), Stew has no plans to become a male ecdysiast. Although, while attending college, he was approached by some coeds to do just so at a surprise birthday party for one of their girlfriend's (but you need to know they meant it to be a joke... but I don't think Stew saw it that way). But thanks for giving Stew the idea. Seriously. Since he's been researching income-generating ideas, he's excited about this idea. And now we think he'll probably end up looking like this guy in a few years (sans the moustache - or "MOLESTache" - since Stew is incapable of producing one). Incidentally, I think this is a picture of Schneider (from another horrible TV show, One Day at a Time).

Anyway, in an effort to eat healthier and exercise everyday, Momma has proposed (and enacted) that she and Stew initiate the Body for Life Program. It's a 12-week program of exercise and meals (the meal part's called Eating for Life) designed to transform your body. Stew's suggestion that they "continue eating Cheetos and Chili Corn Chips and see what happens" was vetoed by Momma. So, I think Momma's suggesting that the two of them take a photo together (wearing nothing but their swimsuits), and then take another photo in 12 weeks. Does the thought of seeing Stew in a Speedo cause anyone else out there to throw up in your mouth... even just a little? You can (sort of) see the people on the cover of the book that have done just so. If not, here's another photo of a female who participated in the program. I don't know who she is and, frankly, I don't care. I'm just grateful for Google Images! And, after looking at this photo, I'm confident a few of my male readers are, as well.

So, Stew was back on the treadmill in the basement this morning. He turned the TV to Live with Regis & Kelly because he has a secret crush on Kelly Ripa. Don't worry. I haven't disclosed anything Momma doesn't already know. She also knows about his crushes on Jennifer Love Hewitt and Carrie Underwood, and he knows about her affinity for Harrison Ford and Bruce Willis. Apparently Momma has some sort of old man fetish. Who knew?

Anyway, Stew set the TV to the Ripa show, turned up the volume and crawled onto the treadmill. Within a few minutes, I could hear him mumbling with each step, "this sucks... this sucks... this sucks." At first, I thought it was some sort of method of helping him set a pace. But, after just a few minutes, Stew stepped off the treadmill, grabbed Claire (who was playing with her new over-sized Leggos -- thanks cousin Jane & family), and headed upstairs. A few minutes later, I mosied upstairs to see what was going on, and I found Stew dressing Claire in her coat and hat before heading out the door saying to her, "let's go get Papa a Starbuck's!" Needless to say, I don't think Stew's off to a good start on his program. So, after they returned home, I addressed this with Stew. But he assures me he will succeed, telling me "I have my own gameplan." Then he took me downstairs to the guest bedroom, where he had a bunch of (what appeared to be) goals taped to the wall. Then he disappeared to the guest bathroom. When he reappeared, he had a fake beard glued to his face, and he was wearing some nerdy looking glasses. Then he sprang into a karate chop pose and yelled, "I am invincible!" Luckily, I had my camera and snapped a shot of it. Good luck, Stew...

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About This Blog

Commentary from a stay-at-home dad on daily happenings and misadventures while helping raise a wonderful little girl. The goal is to employ wit, sarcasm and/or humor to make the blog pseudo-entertaining. Then again, setting goals never really worked for me, but maybe you'll chuckle anyway.

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