Be my Valentine... or get out!

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody... even you cats out there. Valentine's Day at our house is going to be interesting, to say the least. At least Grandma Helen will be here. She's passing through town on her way back from a telecommunications conference in New Orleans (she's on the Board of Directors of her local telephone co-op in SD). Anyway, I'm hoping she brings me something fun from my hometown (i.e., a doggie t-shirt that reads, "I drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was... GONE!"). So, Grandma and Aunt Karen are going to babysit Claire while Momma and Stew go out on a date. They're going to go see the movie "No Country for Old Men", a real love-story... if you like serial killers and violence. You guessed it -- Stew chose the movie they'd be seeing (but only because Uncle Peter Karl said the movie is "most excellent"). Anyway, since I don't share any of the HUNDREDS of dollars I've earned taking online surveys with Stew, the only money he has is actually Momma's money. Therefore, the couple decided to skip on buying Valentine's Day cards. Instead, they plan to give each other hand-made Valentines. That said, I've posted a picture of Stew's Valentine to Momma above. As you can see, he obviously spent a lot of time and put a lot of thought into it.

Moving on, let me just say that I'm not a snoop. Really. I am not. But I do follow Claire around the house to insure she doesn't get herself into any danger. I mean, somebody has to keep an eye on her since Stew is always lying on the front stoop in his Members Only jacket taking a nap. Anyway, Claire REALLY likes to wander into the master bedroom. Underneath the bed on Momma's side sits a basket that contains Momma's journal, plus a bunch of different books Momma likes to read before bedtime. Anyway, this basket is a Claire magnet. If the master bedroom door is open, you will find Claire inside digging in this basket, which is what happened this morning. Claire had books strewn all over the floor beside the bed. They were everywhere 'cause Momma really likes to read and has lots of books, especially books about business and how to become an effective CEO. I was about to grab Claire by the back of her shirt to carry her out of the room when I saw what appeared to be Momma's love letter to Stew. Since Momma's a business executive, the letter appeared to be a bit formal for Valentine's Day, but what do I know? Anyway, I probably shouldn't do this but I'm reprinting it for y'all here. Let me know what you think.

To My Dearest Stew,

First off, please allow me to express my love and gratitude for your nearly nine years of service to our marriage. I appreciate your support and participation in this endeavor, and I want you to know how much I enjoy your companionship.

On June 4, 2006, we drafted a resolution together that gave you the authority to resign from your position as a professional salesman of high-quality furniture at a modest price. The basis of our joint resolution was to allow you to become a stay-at-home dad (SAHD) upon the arrival of our first born child (now known as "Claire"). On June 15, 2006, you acted on said resolution and gave 6-months notice of resignation to your employer. Your official last day of employment was December 15, 2006. Furthermore, after my maternity leave expired on January 7, 2007, you became the sole primary caregiver for Claire.

Section 1.3.5 of our joint resolution specifically states that while your primary responsibility will be taking care of our child (or children), you will also actively pursue revenue-generating resources (such as, writing your first book, becoming a freelance writer, or starting your own at-home business). In fact, we set a goal that after 12 months, you would be bringing in enough revenue to cover mortgage expenditures. However, to date, very little - if anything - has been done to move this goal forward.

The attached pie charts illustrate both the lack of effort and progress on your part toward the accomplishment of our goal of reintroducing a second income into our household revenue stream. After completing an extensive cost-benefit analysis of this situation, I've come to the conclusion that more attention on my part is required in order to facilitate action on your part.

Therefore, consider this Valentine as your official 90-day notice that unless you show more initiative and progress related to the advancement of Section 1.3.5 of our resolution, I will have no choice but to request that you resign your SAHD position and return to the workforce.

Additionally, please be advised that I am open to the consideration of replacing you with a younger, leaner, more virile and physically appealing male companion should you fail to improve your performance within the 90-day probationary period I'm granting.

In the meantime, allow me to again express my deepest love and affection for you. It's my sincere hope you take this Valentine to heart and begin showing more initiative. I don't want to lose you but, if forced to do so, I will dismiss you from your matrimonial obligations.

All my love,
Your Schnookums