Stew's Booty

Don't worry... this post is not going to be about Stew's buttocks, so please remain seated until the post has completed its taxi down the blog runway to the terminal that is the sick side of your brain. Instead, I'm going to share some info about some of the bizarre gifts Stew received for his 40th birthday. But first, allow me to tell you about the nice, appropriate gifts Stew received... the ones that don't make the hair on the back of my neck stand up (more on that later in the post).

Aunt Dee (Florida) sent Stew a VERY cool package of goodies. The package included the latest David Sedaris book, When You Are Engulfed In Flames. Since Mr. Sedaris is Stew's favorite author (translation: basically the only author Stew reads because he still can't seem to get himself to read more books), this would be deemed an "appropriate" gift. Also included in the package were numerous pictures of Stew as a baby, a toddler, as well as photos of Stew with his feathered hair while in high school and college. And, probably the coolest thing of all, there was a copy of the First Edition of The Stewart Howler -- a newsletter published by Stew's Grandpa Forest A. Stewart on March 13, 1933, after the birth of Stew's Aunt Almita! For those who don't know, Stew is the editor/publisher of The Stewart Family Barker -- our own family newsletter mailed out at Christmas. Stew never knew his Grandpa penned a family newsletter, let alone called it The Stewart Howler. So, this was an extremely cool surprise! And speaking of cool... we also received two bottles of Valient wine from Momma's Aunt Lois and Uncle Gaylen from Sioux Falls, SoDak. The Valient grapes used to make the wine come from Momma's Uncle Chuck's vineyard in Utica, SoDak. Watch out, Robert Mondavi Winery... there's a new fine wine maker in town!

Additionally, Stew received a kick-arse 13" Calphalon frying pan that he's used everyday since Sunday. He also got a $40 Starbuck's gift card (which is already down to a $1.24 remaining balance), and a $40 Macy's gift card he's supposed to use to buy some nice shirts (but does Macy's sell vintage t-shirts?). Now, on to the weirdness...

One day, we received a package addressed to "Bogart Stewart". Inside the package was a single recipe card on which was handwritten the following: "Happy Birthday, Stew!" Along with the recipe card was a kitchen towel -- one of the HUGE white ones your mom and grandma own that have some sort of design hand-sewn on them (and we have about 10 of these towels ourselves). The design on this particular towel shows a tree stump. On the tree stump is an acorn, and next to the stump is a hammer-wielding squirrel who is about to crush the acorn. Now, I'm not sure if I'm to interpret this towel as a threat or a show of support. But what's really strange is the return address on the package. It was simply a street address that I Googled, which lead me to The Countryside Family Restaurant in Roseville, MN. Now, I'm not familiar with this fine establishment, and I don't know if someone who owns, manages or patronizes this place actually sent the package. But what I do know is the restaurant offers genuine Broaster chicken, and we'll be dining on a bucket of bird this 4th of July weekend. In the words of my least favorite Food Network star (Rachel Ray), "Yummo!"

The other gifts Stew received are of the variety that really get under my fur. The cat-related gag gifts that "some people" think are funny. But, as a dog warrior, I take very seriously my role as Protector of the House against all things evil -- cats, squirrels/rodents, postal carriers, vacuum cleaners and, of course, little old church ladies who come callin' at our house. And I find these gifts to be a slap upon my snout with a rolled up newspaper. Case in point, the KittenWar playing cards from Aunt Julie. Sure, I'll admit kittens are cute; however, they are simply miniature versions of true evil... sort of like the characters on the Comedy Central TV show, Lil' Bush. No good comes from kittens. And then there's the little wallet from Aunt Dee (Rosemount) that has a picture of two, cute kittens imprinted on its cover. Not cute... although the aforementioned Starbuck's gift card inside the wallet is very much appreciated. But Aunt Dee didn't stop there... she had the gall to also present Stew with a home-made Fox News.Com throw pillow (which I have since THROWN into the trash)!

Anyway, I'm confident I've missed a gift or two, so I apologize to anyone reading this blog who also presented Stew with a gift. Nonetheless, I've enlisted Claire's assistance in showing y'all the most horrendous gifts so you, too, can share in my utter rage for these despicable acts of betrayal. Aunts Julie and Dee (Rosemount), you are officially on notice. Consider yourselves warned!