A cable box... my kingdom for a cable box!

Ever since moving to THE LAND of CHASKA, we elected to scale back our cable subscription to what I believe is called "standard cable". Translation: "we" (Momma and Stew) thought it was a splendid idea to save about $40 a month and get rid of all the good channels. Now I no longer have access to MTV, so I have no idea what the girls of The Hills are up to. I keep on the lookout for some 21 year old hot babes running around our Bavaria Hills neighborhood, but all I ever see 'round here are little rug rats! Anyway, most tragic of all is that I don't get to watch Comedy Central (The Daily Show and The Colbert Report) or the FX Channel and shows like, The Shield... It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (funniest show on TV)... Damages... and Rescue Me. The downside for Stew is that without the Fox News Channel, he simply wanders around the house all day muttering phrases like, "Who's going to tell me how I should think now?" So, now we're forced to watch "normal" network television. You know -- ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox and a few other channels. And now that I've been watching these channels for three weeks, I have a few questions for those of you out there who might know the answers:

1) Can someone please explain the popularity of House and/or The Mentalist? How are either of these shows so highly rated when they are clearly unwatchable? Are there really that many crackheads out there watching TV? If you watch these shows, then please stop so they will go away. Oh, and my god, why is ER still on the air?

2) Where did Sherri Shepherd come from (pictured here)? More importantly, how quickly can we send her back? I guess she's been on The View for a while now, but I've only been watching the show consistently for a few weeks. Regardless, I can honestly say she must be the dumbest person who is paid (a lot of money) to be on television. She is the Joe the Plumber of The View in that whenever she opens her mouth, something incredibly stupid comes out. And I always thought Elizabeth Hasselbeck was the moron on this show. Go figure...

Speaking of Joe the Plumber... I heard he got a book deal. Really? So let me get this straight. A dog with the ability to write and manage his own blog can't get a book deal while an unemployed imbecile who believes tax cuts for millionaires and billionaires is somehow better than getting his own tax cuts can? Unbelievable. The next thing you're gonna tell me is that airhead Sarah Palin is going to get a book deal, too. What's that? Excuse me. Really? You're kidding, right? Ohhhhh... why does god hate me so much (it's a rhetorical question Right Wingers... you need not answer)? Check this out... it appears Palin stands to make about $500,000 per minute for her 15 minutes of fame. I swear that throughout the end of the McCain campaign, I kept expecting McCain to jump in front of a camera with Ashton Kutcher at his side and scream, "Y'all just been punk'd, yo!" At least that would've explained why he made such an unbelievably poor choice for his running mate.

And who doesn't think of a turkey whenever hearing the words Sarah and Palin? Well, unless you're a Right Winger, you've probably already seen the video below. Apparently Governor Palin ceremoniously pardoned a turkey (to spare it from demise just days before Thanksgiving) then gave an interview to a local Alaskan TV news station... while a turkey was being slaughtered directly behind her. I just wish there were sounds of a screaming turkey to cover up the shrill noise that is Sarah Palin's voice. I need a drink... I'll bark at y'all next week. And don't worry - I finally found my camera and plan to get back to posting pictures of little Claire so you Right Wingers (aka Stew's family and Pierre, SD friends) can finally return to reading the blog. Later...