November 06, 2008

Very Frightful Night(s)

Now that the internet goblins have finished chewing on the local Chaska Wi-Fi cables, I can finally return to my blogging. And for you techno-geeks (aka "Uncle Kermit"), I realize Wi-Fi is just the trade name for the popular wireless technology used in home networking, mobile phones, video gaming and other electronic devices that require some form of wireless networking capability... in particular the various IEEE 802.11 technologies... and there are no actual internet cables coming into our home, but I feel the interruption to our internet service during the Halloween weekend can only be explained by goblins chewing on network cables (or possibly George W. Bush mistaking Wi-Fi equipment for a delicious little kitten - I just LOVE this picture). In the words of the most annoying Food Network celebrity, "Yummo!"

So, where do I begin? How 'bout at Halloween? Claire informed us that she would rather distribute cavity-making food to the little neighborhood turds - I mean, "children" - instead of walking around the neighborhood dressed up in a costume while her Papa Stew follows closely behind carrying an open 12-pack of Budweiser. Most of the dads who showed up at our house were merely carrying one or two cans of beer, but Stew has always enjoyed the phrase "go big or go home!" Anyway, Claire dressed up in a polyester suit that Momma wore when she was 2-years old. Earlier in the day, Stew almost bought Claire a pimp hat but decided it was probably inappropriate. It's true... Stew is actually capable of making the right decision but simply chooses to rarely exercise the frontal lobe of his brain (where the ability to recognize future consequences resulting from current actions - or to choose between good and bad actions - takes place). Anyway, Claire helped Momma hand out candy while meeting a few of our neighbors. But not once did a neighborhood mom or dad comment on Claire's "costume"; therefore, we've concluded that all our neighbors think we dress Claire in 30+ year old hand-me-downs... and we can't afford shoes for her (she just likes to go barefoot).

Last Saturday night, Momma and Stew attended a Halloween costume party in Chanhassen (the 'burb just up the road from Chaska). Momma dressed up like Governor Sarah Palin while Stew went as Joe Six-Pack. Momma's costume cost about $9.99 (the cost of the Tina Fey glasses). Stew had to buy a mullet wig and a Lynyrd Skynyrd cap, but he owned everything else (including his original hideously crooked, yellow teeth). His bowling shirt was compliments of Uncle "Wild" Max Fjelstad, the original owner of JoeHouse Coffee House in Brookings, SD. Max and his family moved to Alaska a couple years ago and can confirm their governor is less than impressive. And Stew created the pins they wore on their costumes:

Momma and Stew also wore nametags with "Sarah" and "Joe", respectively. Unfortunately, I'm told the first three people who saw Stew (and at least 3-4 more people throughout the night) referred to Stew as "Joe the Plumber". Now, I'm assuming these folks have never seen Joe the Plumber, the bald-headed dumbass from Ohio who - according to John McCain - "...didn't ask to be famous" yet could be found at press conference after press conference, not to mention multiple McCain-Palin rallies. I'm sorry, but I hate that guy. Anyway, Stew was pretty sure that if he wore a mullet and carried a six-pack of Budweiser silos (which are 16oz beers for you non-redneck lingo speakers) that people would immediately recognize him to be Joe Six-Pack. Oh well. There were several other scary moments when a few people shouted to Momma, "Hey, Sarah! I'm voting for ya!" Yikes... I wonder what they were drinking? Me? I'll take the Obama Kool-Aid! There was also another Sarah Palin at the party who looked less like Governor Palin than Momma does, but the other Sarah had a semi-automatic machine gun and a baby as part of her costume that I thought was a nice touch. When Joe Six-Pack met this other Sarah Palin, the following conversation took place:

Sarah Palin: "Joe, you have bad teeth!"

Joe Six-Pack: "Well... I can't afford insurance."
Sarah Palin: "That's okay... I want to give everyone insurance!"
Joe Six-Pack: "Are you sure? That sounds a lot like 'socialism' to me."
Sarah Palin: (doesn't say anything)
Joe Six-Pack: "I think Obama's the one who wants to make
sure everyone has insurance... you're plan leaves several million households uninsured."
Sarah Palin: (still doesn't say anything)
Joe Six-Pack: "But I would rather live without health insurance than live under a socialist like Obama!"
Sarah Palin: "Right on, Joe!" (pointing machine gun upward and firing multiple rounds into the ceiling before walking away)

Stew and Momma also met a couple of nice painters who wer
e together... handing out Obama pamphlets. Obama '08! Stew drank too many Bud silos (through a straw because of his teeth) to remember their names, but one of them was dressed as Vincent van Gogh. She had a bandage around her head with blood stains where her missing ear should be (she carried the severed ear in a little box). Apparently Joe Six-Pack didn't realize it was a costume, so he continually shouted at her for fear she couldn't hear his words... sort of like how Stew and my Grandpa Bob speak louder, slower and with less adjectives or adverbs whenever Grandpa's German-speaking Austrian cousins come to the U.S. to visit (examples: "We go to town now." or "We go town drink beer, yes."). There were also an extraordinary number of pimps at the party, as well as some woman with a black eye (wearing a nametag that said, "Hello... my name is Susan"). Joe Six-Pack leaned in to Sarah Palin (Momma) and asked, "What's with the woman with the Susan nametag who has a black eye?" Momma just sort of looked at him and replied, "Ummm... she's a black-eyed Susan."

Anyway, following are several more pictures from the night... including a VERY inappropriate photo of Joe Six-Pack with Hannah Montana (who I'm told is some sort of hillbilly version of Britney Spears... is that even possible?).

Here's what's on the front of Joe Six-Pack's t-shirt

vs. Palin

Joe Six-Pack
meets Billy Ray Cyrus
(Billy Ray and his daughter, Hannah Montana, shared the "Best Costume" award with a woman dressed as a One Night Stand)

Joe Six-Pack with Hannah Montana (I'm definitely going to Hell for posting this one...)
And here's the One Night Stand lady (notice the torn condom wrapper, not to mention the panties dangling from the table lamp)


Anonymous 2:53 PM  

Ah. And there you have it viewers, in an exclusive on "the wild kingdom" the neo republican in it's native environment, the suburb.

Aren't they beautiful? You can see eating, drinking, and mating behavior in all it's splendor. And best of all you can tell how they will vote.

Voting in the republican savana is a once every 4 year event where many republicans will roam from polling station to polling station engaged in an activity they call "caging" where they attempt to keep non-white people, gays, and "libruls" from voting. It is one of the few examples of self-extinction on record in all of the animal kingdom.

Thanks for sharing that Stew. It has been very enlightening for all of us in the viewing audience.

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About This Blog

Commentary from a stay-at-home dad on daily happenings and misadventures while helping raise a wonderful little girl. The goal is to employ wit, sarcasm and/or humor to make the blog pseudo-entertaining. Then again, setting goals never really worked for me, but maybe you'll chuckle anyway.

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