Predictions for 2007 from NostraDOGus

Happy New Year! I apologize for the belated well wishes, but I have to rely on Stew for assistance with my blog. You see, I'm only 2' 4" tall, so I need to sit in Stew's lap in order to reach the keyboard with my paws. Unfortunately, Stew somehow threw his back out this weekend while laying on the couch eating leftover Christmas cookies and fudge. On New Year's Day, he took a trip to the urgent care clinic to get some meds (muscle relaxer and a pain killer). So, now that he's popping pills, it's difficult to keep him awake long enough to type a blog entry. Maybe now the lard ass will start taking better care of his (once delicious) body. The last time Stew felt this much back pain was two summers ago while visiting Grandma Helen & Grandpa Bob in Herreid, SD. It was the Herreid Centennial Celebration. So, after participating in the Centennial Parade (Stew, Linda & Aunt Karen rode in the back of Grandpa Bob's pick-up and threw candy at kids in the crowd), Stew decided to head to the beer tent. His other options were: 1) going to church, 2) walking through the craft fair building, or 3) jabbing a sharp stick into his eye. Needless to say, Stew made a beeline to the beer tent. And, since Stew didn't know a single person in the tent, he decided to stand next to the kegs and make small talk with the "bartender". Standing and slightly swaying in the beer tent for 10 straight hours took its toll on old man Stew. He woke up the next morning without the ability to straighten his back (and it was 2-3 days later before he could stand upright). On a positive note, while standing in the beer tent, Stew was able to meet all 400 residents of Herreid before the night was over. He also learned a valuable life lesson: proper stretching is key to a successful marathon beer-drinking session.

Anyway, Armageddon Week on The History Channel included a program about Nostradamus, the astrologer guy who supposedly predicted a bunch of bad things centuries before the bad things occurred (http://www.nostradamususa.com/).
The picture to the left is not Nostradamus, but I believe it bears a striking resemblance to the 16th Century astrologer. In actuality, this is a gnome taking a poop by the privacy fence of our backyard patio. It's quite the conversation piece, but you need to watch your step during summer cook-outs. Getting back to Nostradamus, I started thinking that perhaps I could come up with a few predictions of my own for 2007. Here are my Top 10 predictions:

10. Linda will only have 2-3 new jobs within her company this year (down from six in '06).

9. Vice President Dick Cheney will be replaced by Vice President Rudy Giuliani (or possibly VP John McCain... I can't decide).

8. Republicans will blame the Democrats for all the nation's problems while taking credit for any success in 2007.

7. Democrats will blame the Republicans (again) for all the nation's problems while taking credit for any success in 2007.

6. The rest of us will continue scratching our heads while asking "how the heck can we get rid of all those clowns in Washington?"

5. 2007 is The Year of the Pig on the Chinese Calendar, so it's going to be a banner year for the pork industry. The popular slogan, "Pork... the other white meat", will be replaced with the more accurate, albeit politically incorrect: "Pork... 1.3 billion Chinamen can't be wrong!"

4. I will finally capture the elusive gray squirrel that mocks me from high atop the maple tree in the backyard, thereby making him an example to all other rodents that dare test my hunting prowess.

3. After cats are finally exposed for being the evil creatures that I've always known them to be, all domesticated housecats will be banished to the wild where they will be hunted for their soft, furry coats.

2. Due to a serious case of procrastination on the part of its publisher, the 2006 Christmas edition of The Stewart Family Barker newsletter will be released as a Winter 2007 edition instead... hopefully sometime before spring arrives.

1. Claire Stewart retains her "WORLD'S CUTEST BABY" title!