Wednesday... Chump Day

Based on the title of this entry, you might have already guessed that I caught a glimpse of America's news source last night while channel surfing. That's right -- Fox News. More specifically, I watched about 30 seconds of Bill O'Reilly shouting over his guest, New York Congressman Charlie Rangel, for not offering a solution to the Iraq war. "You Democrats and liberals like to criticize President Bush and the war in Iraq, but I never hear you offering any solutions!" screamed O'Reilly. This little exchange reminded me of a squabble between momma and Stew last summer...

The story took place while Stew was grilling burgers on his Weber on the back patio. A squirrel sitting atop one of the big maple trees in the back yard was launching acorns and twigs at Stew while he was preparing the grill for cooking. One of the acorns landed on the hot coals in the Weber, causing one of the coals to bounce out of the grill and burn Stew's arm. So, Stew decided to retaliate by starting a fire beneath the tree in an effort to either kill the squirrel or at least smoke him out. Meanwhile, a nearby squirrel in another maple tree appeared to be watching the entire episode. With a menacing glare, Stew looked up at him and warned, "either you're with me, or you're with your little buddy... choose wisely."

So, while Stew continued building a fire under the tree, our neighbor poked his head over the fence and said, "Ya know, Stew, my son tells me that he thinks this other squirrel has been secretly hiding large rocks in that tree. We don't have evidence or anything, but I'm confident in my son's information."

With that, Stew ran into the house and told Linda "...Larry from next door guarantees me that the second squirrel has huge rocks stored in the tree, and the squirrel plans to use the rocks to destroy me. So, I want to attack this other squirrel, too."

Linda replied, "I don't think that's a good idea. Why don't you stay focused on the first squirrel that started all of this before going after the second one? Besides, didn't you have the tree trimming guy tell you just the other day that there are no large rocks being stored in that particular tree? Surely we can trust his information."

"My motto is 'trust no one'... and don't call me Shirley," retorted Stew. "I'm the decider, and I've decided that I'm going to attack the second squirrel, as well!"

So, Stew ran back outside and began building an even bigger fire under the second maple tree. Eventually, the second squirrel succumbed to the smoke and flames and fell out of the tree... lifeless. "Victory is mine!" cheered Stew. The last few leaves burned from the tree. Its bare limbs were exposed, and it became evident that there were no rocks being stored in the tree. "Oops," said Stew, "I guess the tree trimming guy was right, but at least my family is safe from what COULD HAVE BEEN a terrible ordeal. I took the fight to the squirrel so he couldn't attack us inside our home."

Just as Stew came to the realization that he attacked under false information -- and actually mislead Linda about it -- the neighborhood squirrels began assembling on the power wire that runs adjacent to the burning tree. Both gray squirrels and red squirrels, bitter rivals under normal circumstances, became united in their disgust for Stew. Then the grays started heaving acorns at Stew while the reds chucked twigs. However, after a while the grays and reds began to disagree as to which had the best weapon. They instinctively turned on each other and, before we knew it, a squirrel civil war erupted on the power wire. "Oh boy, now I've done it," Stew said with a gulp. "What to do, what to do... if only Dick Cheney were here to tell me what to do." And while Stew sat there scratching his... er, head... a burning limb fell from the tree onto the house, igniting it on fire.

Hearing the loud crash, Linda came running outside and yelled, "what the _______ is going on?!?!"

Stew sheepishly explained what happened and offered this solution, "I'm planning to throw more gasoline on the fire, which will enlarge the flames and scorch the squirrels on the power wire that have turned on one another... I'm thinking this will calm them down, and they'll all go home. But I have to warn you, it's likely the house will burn down in the process."

In shock, Linda said, "I think that's a horrible idea!"

To which Stew replied (ala Fox News), "all you've done is criticize me, but I don't hear any solutions from you!"

Still in shock, Linda asked, "Let me get this straight. You started a fire I was against in the first place. Now our house is burning to the ground, and you want me to come up with a solution... a solution you will totally disregard anyway?"

"Yep, that's about right. I'm going to the garage to get the gas can now," replied Stew.

Just then, a big 4x4 pickup truck with oversized tires and a Confederate flag glued into the rear window pulled up in the alley. Out jumped a striking young toothless man wearing a white V-neck t-shirt plastered with pork-n-bean juice stains. He shouted to Stew, "I been watchin' what you's been doin' this whole while, and I think we outta burn down the whole dang neighborhood... we gots some rabbits and ducks over in our parts that I just don't take kindly to... what do ya say?"

With that, Linda grabbed Stew by his acorns and told him what's what. She also saved the house in the process. But, I think it's too late for Fox News.