This just in: Claire dislikes skinny people!

I have a theory that Claire does not like skinny people, and she doesn't want Stew or momma to lose any weight. Each time either of them hops onto the walking sidewalk machine in the basement, Claire will inevitably start crying and/or fussing within 20 minutes. Today, Stew ran two full miles... but it took him about 90 minutes to do so (about 10 minutes longer than normal). He had to stop to feed Claire, and of course she only ate about 2-3 ounces. A typical feeding for her is anywhere between 5-8 ounces (sometimes more). Stew was also all upset because the TV channel was stuck on ESPN's Sportscenter, and we had already caught an earlier showing (the show repeats itself). Plus, it was time for Live with Regis and Kelly (Stew has a huge crush on Kelly... or Regis... one of them anyway). Apparently, if the remote is not within his immediate grasp, Stew is incapable of repositioning his body closer to said remote. Anyway, back to Claire... my hypothesis is that she's trying to keep momma and Stew from exercising. She seems to remain quite calm whenever everybody is just lying around on the sofas watching trashy TV and eating brownies or cookies... or both in Stew's case. Even though she's not allowed to watch TV, Claire seems much more content when everyone is stationary.

Me? I get edgy if everyone is inactive for too long. It makes me nervous. So, every hour or so I need to leave the basement to walk my beat. This consists of a trip upstairs through the kitchen to the front door, where I look outside to see if any interlopers are hiding in the front bushes. Then I sneak into each bedroom to check for hiding burglars. Finally, I usually come across my rubber chicken lying on the living room floor, so I grab him before heading to the top of the stairs where I sit and await a signal from Stew that the coast is clear for me to return downstairs. Sometimes, if he's ignoring me, I'll give him a little grrrrroan to let him know my patrol duties are complete. I don't get any special treat for doing this, which is okay with me. The way I see it, it's my duty to protect my family. What can I say? I'm a great dog, and they're lucky to have me.