The Perfect Storm

This morning, we had what Stew called "the perfect storm." I'm not sure what this phrase means. All I know is that I had muddy paws and Stew scared the heck out of me, so I ran. Allow me to share a little more detail...

The storm started brewing yesterday... you'll recall from yesterday's post that we have a mysterious water problem in the basement, so Stew was down there yesterday crying like a little girl because he couldn't figure out how to [quote] "make it stop... please, just make it stop!" I'm not sure who he was talking to yesterday, but whoever it was -- he/she didn't listen. After much investigation and a slew of bad words, Stew deduced that he had a faulty condensation removal pump on his HVAC unit (furnace?). So, off to Home Depot he went with Claire to get a brand new, Frotec #554401 VCMA-15ULS 115V pump to replace the worn out one. At first, Stew thought it was the fetzer valve connection to the bypass line, but it turned out to be a faulty pump instead. The nice thing is that the pump comes with 20 ft of plastic tubing. And plastic tubing is the new duct tape. Just ask McGyver.

So, about that perfect storm... This morning, we were all going about our business. I made my rounds in the backyard and picked up some muddy paws because of some dew cover on a patch of exposed topsoil. So, after my patrol, I was sitting on the rug inside the backdoor waiting for someone to clean my paws (it's in my Protector of the House contract that I don't clean paws... much like the maid doesn't do windows). Since I don't read, I failed to notice the Wipe Your Paws door mat on the back step. Plus, I refuse to wear ridiculous doggie boots. So, while I'm sitting, Momma's heading downstairs to iron a shirt, and Stew is in the nursery changing Claire's dirty diaper (I believe poopy is the term I heard used to describe the diaper). All is normal until I hear Momma shout up to Stew, "I think you need to come down and empty your bucket!" My thoughts exactly - What the heck does that mean? Is Momma getting fresh with Papa Stew? Well, not exactly. Since he never got around to installing the Frotec pump yesterday, Stew put a 5-gallon orange Home Depot bucket under the furnace leak to catch drips throughout the night. So, as Stew was finishing up by placing a new diaper on Claire, she decided that she was still not finished expelling impurities via her backside... and Stew was not quick enough to move his hands out of the way. And, to add insult to injury, Claire decided it was an opportune time to go ahead and pee.

So, you get the idea. Momma is shouting up to Stew, and now Stew is yelling "just a minute!" back at her. Meanwhile, I'm just minding my own business waiting for my paws to be cleaned. Eventually, Momma returns upstairs and heads back to the nursery. I'm assuming she took over watching Claire after the diaper was changed because - out of nowhere - Stew comes bolting through the doorway into the kitchen where I'm sitting by the back door. He startled me so badly that I took off running. I was certain the Kenmore Progressive Vacuum with Inteli-Clean System was ambushing me while I was a sitting duck (or dog). Looking back now, it's quite funny. Especially the look on Stew's face as he's chasing me from room to room screaming "sit! stay! sit!" And those fluorescent green shorts he likes to wear... yikes!

Overcome by laughter, I finally stopped running. Stew cleaned my paws then patted me on the head before heading downstairs... where he soon discovered that a 5-gallon bucket is not quite large enough to hold a 9-gallon leak. So, I'm going to wrap this up and head downstairs to offer Stew some moral support. Meanwhile, you all enjoy some video clips...

"Progress" is finally defined by The Daily Show:
http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=85244

Classic "Hot Pocket" bit from Jim Gaffigan:
http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=78851

A compilation of scenes from one of the greatest movies of all-time, Fletch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SriU5QGT9bU