Mission Accomplished

Major road racing operations by Stew have ended! Saturday morning, Momma and Stew ran a 10K road race with their friend, Bev. Let me repeat that again -- Momma AND STEW ran a 10K race. For Stew's sake, I was hoping the "K" stood for "step" or "second"... but it's apparently an abbreviation for kilometer, which I'm told is quite far. Now, if you're anything like me - a short, hairy, four-legged, ladies' man (sorry Uncle Kermit... you are one leg shy) - then you are undoubtedly asking yourself, "how the heck did Linda get Stew to agree to this nonsense?" Well, I got my answer Saturday morning when I found Stew wearing his "Show me your boobs!" t-shirt and his pimp shoes (as their name suggests, these are shoes that resemble those that only a pimp would likely wear). Apparently, Stew didn't realize he was running a 10K. Instead, he insists that Momma told him they were going on a pub crawl, which explains why Stew was wearing his favorite drinking shirt (not to mention his "going out" shoes). Momma said, "I knew Stew would never agree to a 10K, but he'd be fired up for a pub crawl... he hardly slept the night before because he was so excited." For those who have never been on a pub crawl, consider yourself lucky. The event (or crawl) starts at one pub, where you have a few drinks before you are taken via bus or trolley to the next pub. This cycle continues until you eventually drink yourself erect (i.e., upright in position or posture). At the end of the crawl, you will either go home in a taxi OR to jail in a paddy wagon. These are your only two choices, assuming you skip the "bail out" option: a ride to the hospital in an ambulance about midway through the pub crawl.

Anyway, once Stew learned that he'd be participating in a 10K, he hopped on the computer to Google "has anyone ever died from a 10K". To his horror, Stew found the answer he was NOT hoping for (http://www.mywire.com/pubs/MercuryNews/2006/03/26/1325035?extID=10037&oliID=229). Then, knowing a failure to stretch before running would lead to a crippling effect due to his sciatica issues, Stew immediately ran downstairs and popped his Rodney Yee's Yoga for the Back DVD into the player. Within 10 minutes, Stew was screaming for help because he had somehow gotten his right leg stuck behind his head... we are unsure how or why this happened since there are no exercises on the DVD instructing one to place one's leg behind one's head. Frankly, I'd just like to drop the subject if you don't mind. So, shortly after we untied Stew from his human pretzel, he changed from his pub crawl clothes into his jogging gear (see picture at right).

Soon after Stew was ready, Aunt Karen showed up to dog-sit me and baby-sit Claire while Momma's plan to "eliminate" Stew via a heart attack and/or stroke was put into motion. [Rumor has it that Stew has quite a hefty insurance policy on his head... and Momma REALLY wants a dinette set and new rain gutters.] As Stew and Momma were leaving, Aunt Karen presented Stew with a bag of chocolate chip cookies. Apparently, the cookies were intended to be a reward for AFTER the race, but Stew mistook them as a dessert to follow up the one little energy bar he had for breakfast. After picking up Bev, Stew drove everyone to Minnehaha Park where the race took place. Regardless of a severe traffic jam, the three managed to make it to the starting line just a couple minutes after the start of the race. Luckily, Stew had 10 minutes of his yoga prior to the race, but neither Momma nor Bev had a chance to stretch, so they had difficulty keeping up with Stew's 4-minute mile pace.

There's no need to provide any details about the race itself. Stew would quickly lose his 4-minute mile pace and decide to run alongside Linda instead. Rest assured the race was as ugly as you'd expect. Miraculously, Momma and Stew both finished with the exact same time of 1:10:52 (a little quicker than an 11.5 minute per mile pace). Out of 2,154 men who ran the race, Stew finished in 2,063rd place; Momma finished 1,563rd out of 1,888 female runners. Bev smoked them both by finishing three minutes earlier. Here's a photo of the event. Linda is wearing a white shirt, Bev has a blue shirt on, and Stew is running shirtless. About 200 yards before the finish line, I'm told Stew turned to Linda and said, "I don't ever want to do this again." Therefore, I can confidently tell you: Mission Accomplished.

With the end of the race came the end of Stew and Momma's Chubby Challenge. To refresh your memory, the Chubby Challenge was a 12-week contest where both Momma and Stew agreed to drop 10% of their body weight. Unfortunately, the Chubby Challenge was a bust in that neither participant lost any weight (Stew actually gained 5 lbs.). The problem with the challenge is that they were not competing for any reward at the end. They were only playing for pride. However, Stew has never had any pride in himself, and Linda lost all hers the day she married Stew. So, to celebrate the end of the challenge, the two lovebirds dined on chili dogs and homemade Mac-N-Cheese. A Chubby Challenge II is in the works. Instead of pride, I think the two are going to try to "do it for Claire" instead. She's definitely worth the effort, so I'm thinking this second attempt might work better. Plus, Stew has agreed to start cooking healthier meals and to do away with Chili Dog Night every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.